Life changing injury

[Bigdolly76]

My husband had a really bad fall a few months ago and spend 5 weeks in hospital. He is home now, he is only in his mid 40s and has became double incontentant and is having to use a zimmer frame to get around. He is very down and sometimes gets very frustrated and it makes me feel rubbish and angry. We no longer sleep in the same bed as he has to sleep downstairs until his mobility improves. I have two jobs and now have to do everything in the house. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Thank you, @Forthemarket.

Some of the replies on here have been breathtakingly sanctimonious. Thank you,

I'm angry that I can't help him, I also feel like our marraige is falling apart. It was our 23rd anniversary last Sunday and I just feel like his carer now rather than his wife.

It is a massive change for both of you and will take time to adapt.

My initial thought when I saw the word 'anger' was that what you are going through is like the bereavement process.
Anger can be one of the stages before you finally get to acceptance.

It is still early days, you can vent and be angry but hopefully over time and with support you can regain a new form of intimacy as man and wife.
Please look to see what support is out the for not only your dh but you as well.

I think most areas have carer's support and social groups. They maybe especially useful to you in the early days while you establish a new 'normal'
I wish you both the best.

I hear you. My DH contracted Multiple Myeloma. It rendered him bed bound for a year. I am his carer, I had to leave my own job to manage it, as we have custody of 2 small kids as well.

He still has to have a hospital bed with an air mattress in our lounge and will never be able to sleep in a normal bed again. On Friday they found a tumour in his bladder so it looks like the whole merry go round will again.

It’s exhausting. I love him with every ounce of my being, but sometimes, in moments when I’m trying to juggle a million things I feel a resentment that I’m ashamed of.

Oh do fuck off. Come back with some empathy.

This s the best reply here and bears repeating.

OP there is nothing to be done but this.

In addition : If you can afford it get as much help in as you can for your dh. The double incontinence is so debilitating and demeaning for him and emotionally painful for you that however you can get that managed by a third party the better for both of you.

It is one thing to be a spouse’s carer and quite another to be their nurse in such an intimate way. I think it helps both of you to try to keep some zone of privacy, both physical and mental.

Aren’t you the intellectual one! However it’s true, she’s very woe is me, which I do understand. However what about her DH who has suffered life changing injuries which may or may not improve over time!
WTF
Of course the dh is dealing with something physically life changing but the op is also dealing with a huge unexpected change as well.

In her shoes would you be' oh well, let's get on with this' and be absolutely fine with it or would you have a wobble from time to time.

Op is angry that she can't help him.
Not angry with him.

I am sorry, Bigdolly, this is very sad for you both. It could happen to any of us. What is the prognosis, will he recover in time? You must be entitled to some state help. Just having someone to clean your house once a week would take a burden from you, and some personal care for your husband. You can't be expected to do it all and work.

Is his current situation permanent? Or is there the chance that over time he will improve?

We went through something very similar although we were younger. It was incredibly hard as he was so angry with the world and I felt I needed to be strong. I used to cry when I got to work.
He was permanently disabled and our life changed forever. However, that was over 20 years ago, we are still together and happy.
What you are feeling is completely understandable. Be kind to yourself.

You’re both grieving, and navigating a different life on a path you didn’t choose. It’s tricky, so do reach out for help, keep posting on here if it helps - some posters have been staggeringly unsympathetic though - so cherry pick the responses you process. I’m always heartened by how supportive the majority of posters are. There’s a wealth of knowledge on here so do lean on us. We’re here x

Oh goodness this sounds horribly difficult for you both. It’s different but my OH has had several periods of severe depression when he struggles just to get out of bed and is obviously very down and feeling frustrated and often angry with life. It’s so hard to keep everything going and it makes you feel so useless you can’t do much at all to help or to fix things. It’s hard not to feel some resentment at having to pick so much up even when you recognise it’s not your OHs fault.

I feel like it’s entirely normal that you are finding this hard and that you need a space to vent. I’m sorry you are both going through this and that you didn’t get more people just acknowledging it’s hard and giving you some support.

If it's a spinal injury it will affect bladder and bowels too no matter if he can walk a bit.

My dad has had a life changing injury 3 weeks ago. Broken neck and is a tetraplegic.
My husband also had a 2nd brain injury 7 years ago- which changed our lives, our hopes and our dreams
It's hard-particularly as you grieve the life you had hoped. But hopefully as he gets into his groove the caring becomes less. It feels relentless in the first year.
Bless you- refer yourself for some talking therapy and remember to be kind to yourself- and don't give up exercise or whatever you do to help your mental health on the sidelines

Many sympathies to you and everyone else in this kind of position. Same here, my partner had a life changing injury and my life too has been completely changed. No one says much to you, the partner, in hospital, just assumes you will pick it all up. All I can say is it gets slowly easier. Look for peer support from charities like Back Up. Have you had a social care assessment to see if you can get carers to support him? Means tested.

Maybe they didn’t get married in a church using those words.

I’ve seen a podcast recently, many many men leave their wives if the wife gets permanently unwell. But here a woman is struggling and she’s not even being allowed to be angry.

This thread really hit me as I've been through all this up till 6 years ago, I know how your relationship changes & you wish things could be back to how they were.
Don't beat yourself up and please get any help your entitled to as I tried to manage it all for 10 years while also working full time and it nearly cost me my life!!

I’m so sorry, OP. As others have said, make sure you’ve applied for / are receiving all the benefits you can, have identified any insurance you might be able to claim on and found any charities that support his particular injury. It sucks and you’ll both go through grief that never really goes away. I haven’t found any real peace but more an equilibrium where I can experience joy in small things and block out the big losses.

The single most important thing for me has been finding a counsellor who will listen to all the ugliest, nastiest, most selfish and fearful thoughts I have. Plus, I keep a “destroy without reading” journal, in case I need somewhere to vent in between appointments. Having that space to express myself helps keeps the intense negativity from poisoning my relationship with my husband and family.

Look after yourself and don’t for a second beat yourself up about how you think you “should” feel xx

I was just going to come and say that. OP it must be so hard.

🙄

Unhelpful.

Is he likely to continue to improve? I mean, it's still fairly early days isn't it and he's young. I had to become my husband's carer whilst looking after a young baby and child a few years ago. He did gradually improve over time and now can do as much as before. It's taken a few years to reach this point though.
Can he join a gym/do things to improve his mobility? My husband was referred to one on the NHS for physio. In the end he saw someone privately to get more mobility back.
I think that you need to see what things you can do and organisations to reach out to so that he can start to meet others in a similar position. It's understandable that he is feeling very low.

I'm so very sorry OP. This is tragic thing to experience and you both must be feeling very hard done by. It's huge change to your lives. I really hope there's a chance for some improvement for your DH.

You sound like you need a break from it which is completely normal as it's all so fresh and new and you're still adjusting to this being a new normal for you. You're also grieving your old life. You shouldn't have to be his carer long term. That's a huge task to do alone. Is there any help you can access to take a break from it all?

We used to pay for someone to care for my Mum various hours during the day in the last year of her life. It helped me and my brother so much. We still were very much around but it meant we could take some time off to recharge. Full time care is a very heavy responsibility.

You can't do that alone. Big hugs for what you are going through.

Are you suggesting he's just being lazy? There are probably internal injuries. The OP is not obliged to give full medical details.

@Bigdolly76 I'm sorry I'm not able to give you any advice as I have never been in this position and don't know if I'd be able to cope if I was. Some posters have given you what seems like good advice and I hope it helps you. Ignore the heartless twats.

Vows are broken all the bloody time, stop
being so bloody sanctimonious!

OP I’m sorry for your situation.

I feel for you OP. 5 years ago my husband (age 30 at the time) had an accident where he broke his pelvis at work in a fall. At the time a&e told him it was muscle damage although he could not walk. 5 years later he is permanently disabled. Overnight our lives changed. It destroyed us both (although mostly because it was missed by the NHS - this is not an NHS bashing post or to say the same will happen to you) He went from being a fit, healthy, active man who was the breadwinner. We both had fantastic careers, fantastic social lives, money, no care in the world. I was angry, upset, scared at how our lives had changed. I was frustrated that he could no longer do the things he could before. I gave up my career to care for him and our son. It truly is a lonely place to be. Please make sure you get help from all available resources - carer charities, social services for respite, the GP, get registered as an unpaid carer. Make sure you take time for you. It really does take it's toll on you.