DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

JFC do not have sex with him ever again. Or tell him that it costs £1000 each time. That will hopefully stop him asking as he doesn't like to pay for anything.

He's one of the worst men I've ever read about on Mumsnet and there's some stiff competition for that title.

Are you in UK OP ?

Yes up north

What an absolute abysmal man . NO,NO,NO to YOU or your mother giving him money.
It appears you have normalised his unco-operative mean ways and your Child will think this is how a partnership is supposed to be.
im so sorry for you .

@MMMMMBacon I’m a people pleaser too - totally lead to people taking the piss in a big way over the years

I say this so often on here, but it's time to dry your eyes & find your anger OP.

How fucking dare he sponge off you for years & not even be a pleasant partner? How dare he waste your precious life denying you the pleasure of travel and food and fun?

Demand half of the savings.
Tell.him to leave your mum the fuck alone.
Tell him you're going on a holiday, take your kid somewhere amazing & let him stay home counting his savings.

You have all the tools to be independent.
This doesn't have to be it for the next 30+ years.

@MMMMMBacon and your mum sounds totally lovely.

Agreed. My dh asked my dd this once apparently and I am not impressed at all. A child cannot possibly understand the intricacies of a marriage. So please, stop asking and get out. This man you married is vile to you.

@MMMMMBacon come on op - off to a good solicitor asap! Meanwhile, can you stop him being able to siphon money out of your account? Don’t give him a bean. And certainly don’t lie back and think of England - coerced sex is rape. He is utterly horrific.

Wow, what a sorry excuse of a human. OP, you’re worth so much more than this, leave him, and you, your son and your mum go and enjoy some holidays in the her twilight years and make some memories. Leave tight misery arse to get on with it. You have the financial means, end it and enjoy your life.

You're amazing! I read your other updates and well done you.
Not only is a terrible human and husband but he sounds like he takes no joy from life at all. Life can be fun and I think you'll see how good things can be without him.

There's compromise and then there's outright stupidity, OP. If you split he'll get half the house, even though you've paid for it, and he'll hide the ££££££s he's saved and stashed away. Stop him having access to your account and consult a solicitor about your rights and the best way forward. If you inherit from your mum, there's a possibility he could get half of the money. Split now, with 20 years to go before retirement (he'll come after half your pension), and go and live with your mum.

@MMMMMBacon
You should absolutely leave your abuser. And ASAP.

however, I have an issue with you asking your son whether you should divorce his father. You say 'every time I ask ds whether I should divorce his father' or something along those lines. How on earth is this fair on the poor child. That poor boy caught in the middle of all this. Please grow up and make some adult decisions, and don't put such a responsibility on him. That's appalling.

LTB

^^ this
she said is more succinctly than me

This is so awful I can't really address it.
Get legal advice tomorrow.

You deserve happiness in your life, OP! You’re only young - you have so much of your life left. LTB and enjoy yourself - go on holiday and out for meals and spoil yourself a little bit! You deserve it for putting up with someone so horrible for so long.

Also the problem with him saving his earrings is that you have no idea what he's done with it over the years. Has he gambled, spent, hidden it all away? That's why these sorts of financial set ups are so problematic.

Change your account details ASAP. He can only have what is in a joint account.

What a vile horrible man. You need to get a shit hot lawyer and dump this bastard.

You can do so much better than him. You deserve better too.

Thank you ....Its more that I say I need to leave your dad, I know its the right thing to do, because I think he will be a happier person like he used to be, I hope you will be okay with that, you might be upset by changes at first but it will get better
In his early teens , he would say no this would upset me too much I want you to both stay together. But of course you are right, I know I shouldnt be asking for his okay. Hes still a child at not quite 16 still. Yes, I shouldnt be puttting it on him I see that

Read your post back to yourself as if it was a daughter, sister or best friend who told you this and you'll know what to do hon 💐

1. You are being financially abused by a cocklodger.
2. Try to find details of his savings, tax code and current income.
3. Stop letting him take money from your account.
4. Tell him to leave - you've been paying all the bills, it's your house.
5. Get a divorce.
6. Change the locks and go on holiday.

He would have to spend to get into a casino first to gamble....

He buys lottery tickets every week and says when he's a millionaire he will ride off into the sunset with a 20 something .... maybe he will splurge and spend a lot on her ....

I don’t think this is the way adults should manage their money. You pay almost all the bills and he gets to save all his salary and pay virtually nothing? Then he essentially dictates what you can spend on? You are doing the right thing by not allowing your DM to pay the £300 per mth. I would start by saying he has to pay half the mortgage and utilities. He also has no say in how you spend your money so meals out, holidays etc should be paid for and you don’t need his permission. He sounds awful so yes I could not continue putting up with that.