DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

For the £50K you should be on the deeds of DM's house for the appropriate % age as tenants in common, that way if she has to go into care and the house sold you will get your money back - otherwise you might get nothing.

What the fuck have I just read? He sounds awful.

Inheritance is NOT automatically divided between spouses in a divorce. If it has always been kept separately then it belongs only to the person that inherits it.
After my income funded home improvements, cars, holidays my STB Ex husband’s inheritance cannot be taken into account in the financial split because it has always been in his name.

If you DH was serious about providing for retirement then surely he would have been investing in ISA’s and additional pension payments, which would have significant tax advantages. These have to be in single names, signed by each investor, so you would know about them, and they would be part of your investment portfolio for divorce purposes.

He sounds absolutely awful. Money grabbing, tight fisted arse who cares for nothing except money. Your mum doesnt have much and he's still trying to grab £300 a month off her. I think you would be so much happier without him. He brings nothing to the table and no happiness in your life. I' would make an appointment with a solicitor and grab as much financial information, copy statements from your husbands bank accounts. Once you have your ducks in order, then throw divorce papers in his face.

I would also book and go on holiday with your mum. Shes elderly now. It sounds like you have a close relationship. Enjoy your life without him, find yourself a new man (but financially protect yourself, always).

Apart from anything else this is not a tax efficient way to save - there should be ISAs for each of you or additional pension contributions.

When you divorce I wouldnt mention to your solicitor agreeing to pay your sons school fees. He should have been paying half of those too.

Dont ask your son what to do, very unfair.

But I don’t understand why you would want to be with this man??? This is truly a mystery. You are not his slave or prisoner. This is not Afghanistan.

you need to free yourself from this monster for you and your child.

During my 30s I stayed well groomed , getting hair and nails done etc - I think he nagged about all this less then , as maybe he thought it was useful for career promotions - since the pandemic and WFH being the norm rather than the other way round - honestly has nagged even about hair or nails once a month or once in two months - even at the budget places - I just do what I can at home these days. But have noted cynically , how when a well groomed expensively dressed woman in the community walks by or interacts, how he enjoys looking and admiring. Has been frustrating.

I have read books like Lundy's why does he do that ...and tried to figure out how to change him ...many times

I don’t know how you would do this but I agree, if he spends on nothing but groceries he will have a decent savings pot that you should get half of. I have heard of people hiding money though and I don't know how they do that and how easy it is or isn't to find them. I think you could do with legal advice.

God I hope you take him to the fucking cleaners OP.

this would end my marriage, and I don’t say that lightly but to try to take money off your mum is despicable, I’m really sorry you’re in this position but it would be a hard no and a fuck off if he argues back. A family is more than just kids its parents too and family is everything x

@Newmeagain , family is way down south and I am almost at the opposite end of UK - I couldn't move there if I divorced, to share son, would have to stay here - sometimes that has held me back, where I keep trying to convince him lets move south instead so we both have family and if things improve because of that, good , if they don't then at least we have family support for when we split. I went directly from home to marriage at 24 and never lived alone , much less across the country. Sorry typing as I travel hence no punctuation. But he never agreed to moving five hours south. even tho he's isolated here too and we don't need to be here anymore for work like when we moved up north 17 years ago.

He likes keeping me isolated maybe , we spend a lot less here. This really feels like the last straw though, this year.

Don't try to change him. Just leave him or make him leave. He's a disgusting specimen of a man in every single way. Speak to a solicitor and employ a forensic accountant.

This this this.

Half of the savings half of the house are yours. Make sure that you divorce before you mum dies.

The real irony ? His dad who is 90 has willed his house to him and he stands to inherit a property worth 400k (!!!) when FIL goes. FIL has not gone into care, but stays with an elderly aunt who would otherwise have been homeless but now she has boarding and lodging and they keep each other company. She will go to her two daughters care if shes still around after FIL.

My point is his inheritance is much more than mine, we only have the one DC, and we both work and lead simple lives as far as I know - he doesnt need 300 Quid from my mother !!!!!!!!!! Madness.

I have no idea about inheritance taxes though ....and also I realise from posts on here, I dont have a great understanding of inheritance law either - but my point is I cant even put this miserliness into any perspective. Have suggested counselling so many times

@MMMMMBacon wow!! and now he has proof of using HIS money to repair the house belonging to your mum!!! do you have access to HIS account like he has access to yours? do you know how much is in his account???

Lol. He's really put himself in a spot here - years of financial abuse & handing over £50k for somebody who will one day inherit a house

Id run with it. Make it clear your standards have changed & if he pushes this you will be packed up & living with your mum pending divorce & he won't know what's hit him.

Just sending a hug OP

This. I hope you can find a better path forwards! You deserve so much better xxx

Every once in some months, I saw show me what you do with the squirrelled away money, he pulls up and shows me he's got it all in savings under his name. Sometimes he spends on gadgetry stuff he's a techie buying stuff from amazon he never needs or uses , sometimes he uses my account for that too.
He is capable of giving long answers explaining why his expenses are reasonable and sensible and mine are silly and I usually give up to go do something, I am ashamed to admit.

NO.

Id tell him he can consider it his contribution to the mortgage all these years. Married money is shared money after all.

He is massively financially abusive to you and now he wants to target your elderly mother. Please wake up!!

He’s a controlling abusive prick. If you can’t stand up for yourself stand up for your mother! I’d wait and divorce him formally once his inheritance has come in so you get half of that too 😆

thank you, my dream come true would be getting full custody of my son I must admit , I know that is not possible or right though....

Son is 16 soon though and hopefully chooses to spend most of the week with me , till he finishes high school and goes to uni.

I have texted H and asked for a divorce now.

OP you sound brave and determined

I am shocked to read about your situation, it really is abusive - no way to live your life or a marriage for your son to think is the norm.

Hope you take him to the cleaners when you divorce.

Maybe your son is interested in going to a southern university, and that’s your cue to move back south?