DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

You, tour mother and child need to get away from him

This. OP the 'pension' and saving are ALL in his name. You have NO security. Your paying all bills and more for your family. He is safeguarding himself in case of what ? Divorce? He is awful. If everything else in this marriage works you need to have a serious chat. Dm money is yours..that 50k he 'lent' also yours from the saving he's been making by you bankrolling the entire family. Spreadsheet it out for him to see if needed. Otherwise cut your losses now, get paperwork for ALL his money and where it is saved before taking further steps.and he attempts to hide it.

Wtf have I just read

Ugh. Just reading that gives me the ick.

Oh come on. You know full well this isn't OK. What are you thinking?

As above, WTF have I just read! I can’t even think of other words. Astounding.

Oh OP, listen to everyone. He has access to your money, he pays for food but nothing else, and you’ve put up with this all these years. Have you any idea how much he squirrels away? Please get a good lawyer and get out.

Well, he has successfully ripped you off financially for years, and now he wants to do the same to your Mother!
He needs to go, but before you give him any hint that you have divorce in mind, delve deeply into all his finances, so you are sure you will get your fair share of all the money.

As for "his" savings being to provide for your joint retirement, I would bet that if you were foolish enough to stay with him, you would never see a penny of any of that money.

He sounds ghastly !

THIS !!!

That’s not being tight fisted. That’s being financially abusive.
HE agreed on giving your Dmother the money/pay for the repairs. He doesn’t get to them change the rules and ask for money!

And why are you paying for everything when he works and ‘has a decent wage’??
Of course he now has a nice cushion of savings. For HIS retirement. Don’t be fooled. He isn’t going to share it when you retire!!

Nope. What he has proposed doesn't even make any sense.

Why are you accepting this ridiculous financial situation?

He is a greedy, grasping tightwad who has leeched off you, and now wants to leech off your mother.

Your whole set-up reeks of financial abuse and coercive control.

Yes exactly this.

Thank you everyone who replied, I needed to hear this today. The best part is my mum called , caught me crying and I spilled the beans about this monster's latest demand - and she cheerfully tries to console me saying tell him thats fine dont argue. She feels she has plenty even as an elderly pensioner cos her heart is big. He will never feel he has enough.There is no way im taking 300 a month off her, sick !!.

Also I decided today that given that my mum (and dad when he was around) paid for all my uni fees so I had no student loans + contributed to my wedding + spent a lot of money on me when my son was born for stuff for him
that not only am I absolutely okay with never seeing any inheritance money from her or the 50K back as I would rather she use it for her care in the years to come rather than have any of it come to me and half go to DH as marital asset division as a PP above said inherited wealth is also marital asset ? And even otherwise its her house. But not just that - I am going to give her back all the jewels and other valuables she has ever gifted me in the past 45 years which are 15-18K in value as various objects. He can stew on that !- I am disgusted too. Thank you for opening my eyes clearly.

OP, how did he ever convince you that any of this was fair? I mean, what words could he use to persuade you to go along with this?

Because I think you are starting to wake up and see what an awful man you are married to.

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?

No nice holidays? Scrimping?

He's financially abusing you and now he wants to financially abuse your mother.

If he had offered the money on condition of rent being paid then your mother could have made a decision at the time about whether she was willing to accept those terms. He had no financial claim in the house and therefore no means of forcing payment. Tell him neither you or your mum will pay the money and mean it.

Stop his access to your bank account immediately and plan to divorce this awful man. You will be happier and wealthier without him. Get a good solicitor to make sure he does not try to fleece you in the divorce.

This will only get worse the older he gets! I’d encourage you to make plans to leave…

Divorce him before something happens to your Mum and he doesn’t let you do anything with your inheritance.

P. S. Have you made wills yet? I will bet anything he'll not want you to leave anything to your DC.

He sounds absolutely terrible. But before you give anything back to your mum be aware that she will most likely predecease you,meaning that she may need to pay inheritance tax if her estate exceeds £325,000 ( or £500000 if she wills her major asset,the house,to a son or daughter) Don’t inadvertently add to her estate !! She could always continue to use/ wear jewellery even though it technically belongs to you.

First reply nailed it. Also make sure you get half of all assets including savings gs in his name.

Bravo Op. Give that man a talking to while you are at it.

Get out before you inherit and make sure you get the best settlement including his pension - how dare he dictate everything like this