DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

You may be the higher earner but you are paying for virtually everything. He has a card to access your bank account, yet his salary is paid into his own, that presumably you have no access to. He's accumulating a huge amount of money, whilst paying for very little. He gave you the money to pay for your Mum's housing renovations, but is now expecting your Mum to pay him £300 per month for the renovation costs??!!! Did he mention to you at the time, that this money he gave you was a loan and he wanted your Mum to repay it??? Your finances need to change, he should be paying for much more than he is and you need to stop him having access to your bank account!!! After all you can't access his! I bet he has a considerable amount of money saved too. He sees your money as his, his money as his and now your Mum's money is also his too!!! He's a massive arsehole. He's controlling your finances and clearly wants to control your Mum's too. You need to end this relationship, and divorce him. At the moment all assets on both sides are put into the marital pot. You don't want to end up inheriting from your Mum, whilst married to him, this too would be classed as an asset.

I often think he secretly grudges our son the school fees even !! even tho I promised to pay it always. We literally spend on little else ?

A million times I have tried to explain to him that all humans die eventually on average at 80 and we dont get to take the money with us when we do die ....he is almost 54 ....does he think he will get a special allowance to take the money along when he goes ? my dad was only 57 when he died of pancreatic cancer.

I know narcissm exists, but this is just dumb beyond a point. Its a sickness and you all right, its only getting worse.

If you do decide to leave him and split assets - and I really really hope you do - do some research into what he has before you tell him. You’re in a tricky position at the moment because you don’t know how much he has squirrelled away and we’ve all heard of people hiding money when it comes to divorce. Try and establish what will form part of the settlement before you get the ball rolling.

@AdaColeman sums it up nicely - make sure you know OP what’s in that savings account

There is something very wrong with this man. What's yours is his. What's his is his too.

Get rid of him. He's awful.

I don't understand who paid the 50k? You say you did but also that it came from his severance payment?

Jeezo op. Why are you still married to this specimen? Seriously, divorce this horrible man, make sure you get what you are financially entitled to, relax and enjoy your life. Bet your son finds him hard work too!

I'd suggest for your DM bypass you and gift any remaining assets to your child when she passes- unless you are divorced by then.

"His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement" ".

Does it? How much is in it? Is it being used to the best of it's ability ie invested in a way that maximises it's earnings? 🤔 How is he able to just withdraw from it if its invested in the best way? Or is he just hoarding it in his own name? Or does it even exist?

What was the arrangement at the time, when you were going to fund the renovations and before your husband said his money should be used? He can’t demand your mum pay for something she didn’t agree to!

I won’t repeat what others have said about being financially abusive - but he is.

Honestly every day I wonder why women stay in this kind of relationship. Why are you still with him? It's a serious question. Every day it's a choice you are making.

There is absolutely no fucking way I would want to retire and be beholden to this man and his money. Not a chance in hell. If he is tight and controlling now, once you are both retired it will be AWFUL.

This. Divorce him and you will solely inherit your Mother's house too so win win.

What a wanker!

Absolutely appalling man. I hope you can see how controlling he is. I very rarely say this but you should leave him. He's awful.

thanks everyone again - everytime I broached the topic of divorcing his dad (once every six months) , up till now DS has in the past couple of years - always said he wants us to be together. I hate to upset him during his GCSE/A levels years but I spoke to him briefly just now and he agreed he would rather see us separated and being happier people and a happier environment thereby for him - clearly I bring out the worst possible greed in his dad, who used to be a better person than this.

Thank you so much , so much outrage from you all has really helped to do what needs doing now

You know this is wrong. Go and see a divorce lawyer this thing in the morning. You cannot carry on living like this.

Do be careful. You don’t know where his money is, or even if he has any. He could be gambling if away in risky investments.

Do your research on his stuff. Quietly return your valuables to your mum. Consider her leaving her estate to your son rather than you, and she must name someone who isn’t your husband to be trustee until he’s old enough to resist his dad’s pressure. 21? Do you have siblings? It could be you and a sibling that are the trustees so it’s never him even if you were to die.

You can leave your share of the house to your son as well, if you write a will too.

This.

Ooft! You’re not being unreasonable at all. You’ve already paid your share and more—mortgage, bills, school fees, and now helping your mum. He offered the money, you didn’t ask, and now he’s trying to make your mum pay him back? That’s not okay. Feels like he’s moving the goalposts to control the money

He’s fucking creepy!

Please don’t ask your ds - my own dm asked me every 6 months or so between the ages of 11 and 18 whether she should leave my dad. There is no way I could answer that - either I had a miserable mother or a miserable father but I wasn’t the person to make that call.

My dm did leave him in the end and still 30 years later says she stays because of me.

My df still 30 years later says she left because of me.

I tell them both their marriage and end of was not my decision.

He sounds awful...and financially manipulative. What a scammer!
Can you get rid of him, seriously.

OP, you don’t need your son’s permission to divorce this venal arsehole but from what he’s said it looks as if he has 1,000 times more integrity, consideration and compassion than his father and understands why you would want to.

Go for it !

You are being financially abused on a grand scale and I bet he is emotionally and mentally abusing you too. Get out and get divorced, preferably before your mother dies otherwise he will steal her wealth too.

Divorce him and claim half of his very substantial savings that he has accumulated over your marriage, and buy a lovely house for you and your mum. Start the process by having a one off consultation with a family solicitor to find out your rights, and what you can expect.

Don't let him abuse you any more.

@MMMMMBacon op I’d bet you will never see a penny of these “savings” and if he does have them he will be controlling the use of them when you retire .

Id split now before he gets his hands on any more of your future earnings /investments . Also before you get inherited your mums house. .Split now and split everything and give him £25k if you must for his half of your mum’s renovations .

He is a pig and has it all worked for himself in his favour .