DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

He's still playing games and your son is too immature and inexperienced to see it.

You were NOT all genuinely trying to find somewhere to eat - your 'husband' was taking the piss and trying to make it your fault.

Don't put yourself in situations where he can do that again, ever.

If he tries it again:

'we're not a good family, we're a family in the process of splitting up, because we don't work well together'.

Be prepared too, IF for some reason you do get stuck with him driving you all around, make sure you have a snack in your bag before you set off. Then ignore his games, just brightly say yes to any suggestion, don't make suggestions yourself, just repeatedly give the same response 'happy to go wherever you choose, its your day out', in as genuinely happy and up-beat tone as you can.

No crying. Don't do it. The minute your eyes leak, he can claim you're oversensitive, being dramatic, trying to manipulate, can never be pleased etc etc.

But most of all, just DON'T be trapped into all going out together again. Have other plans 'oh sorry I've booked x for myself, DS can join me if he'd like.' Or just get up and fuck off before he can suggest a thing, ensuring DS knows where you went as well as DP (text both 'Off to x, back by x' )and nothing more.

And fgs, no more cooking, you're NOT his wife any more, you're his estranged wife, you're separating from him, you are not his lackey, chef, or whipping boy any more.

I know you're trying your best to remain amicable. But honestly, I think it's time to drop the rope. Why did you cook breakfast for your pig of a husband after he insulted you (not to mention everything else he has done)? Why did you agree to go on an outing you knew in advance would be miserable? From now on, if you're not prepared to leave the marriage, can't you just live a truly separate existence in the same house? Though TBH I think your best option is to divorce and live separately.

You had sushi. Confused as that’s not vegetarian is it?

It can be.

He’s twisting everything to make you look unreasonable. Right now you are feeling like doing something rebellious to get back at him. It’s not something you would do though as you are a lovely person. He’s just trying to show you, he is in control, he has spent money to drive that point home but this weekend he has lost something priceless …. You. He has shown you he isn’t reasonable, he wants to drive you away and he’s a bitter, angry man.

The only thing that has changed from a few weeks ago is, you gave your H a chance to work with you on your marriage. I know you’re disheartened and upset but at least you know, you gave him another chance! He’s just proved, yet again that he is beyond spiteful, he is not someone who you can trust or like and only interested in making you miserable.
You did it because you’re a lovely person, you wanted to give him a chance to try, before you gave up on him.
You feel like you’ve had a setback, you haven’t @MMMMMBacon, you’re still on the first rung of the ladder, towards being free of him. You opened your own bank account, you looked at all the finances and you will slowly and surely get away from him.

If my husband called me fat and said I ate too much he'd be cooking his own breakfast. "Oh, sorry but I need to taste what I cook and I'd be eating too much then, you'd better cook it."

You know what he is like, always have a snack in your bag for both you and your son. If you eats nuts they'll tide you over or you can probably get vegetarian breakfast bars.

If you dont want to go out with him, dont go. "I'm sorry but I have to wash my hair / do housework/ I've already arranged to ...."

Hope you havent paid towards either laptop or tv. 3 people dont need 4 tvs.

I’m so sorry but I can’t follow this thread anymore. I started off really rooting for you but it just makes me so cross to read your updates and see you continue to pander to him. You are damaging your son (not to mention yourself!) by continuing with this relationship. Despite all the amazing advice on here you are showing no signs of getting a spine (sorry, I don’t want to be hurtful but it’s the only phrase that fits) and leave him. Each of your updates makes me wince.

I am sending you all the virtual strength and love I can muster and hope one day you feel you can leave him and enjoy the freedom and incredible future you deserve. Take care xx

@MMMMMBacon Honestly, I’ve read your post and I’m just shaking my head. You’ve done everything right—looked after your mum, stepped up when she needed help, and made sure everyone was sorted. Now your husband’s acting like he’s the Bank of England, counting every penny that comes near him. It’s not just tight, it’s next-level. Expecting your mum, who’s on a pension, to hand over rental income? That’s not just cheeky, it’s downright embarrassing.

Let’s be real—most people would be mortified to even bring it up. Your mum’s not living in luxury, she’s just trying to get by with a bit of dignity. Meanwhile, he’s sat there, probably working out how much the kettle costs to boil, and acting like he’s doing everyone a favour. If he’s this tight now, what’s he going to be like in a few years—charging you for using the loo?

It does make you stop and think, doesn’t it? There’s careful with money, and then there’s whatever this is. Life’s hard enough without having to justify every act of kindness or generosity. You’ve already given up so much, made sacrifices, and kept the family running. It shouldn’t be too much to expect a bit of understanding, or at the very least, a bit of basic decency.

You deserve better than this. Someone who’s not just looking at the bottom line, but actually cares about people—your people. It’s not about the money; it’s about respect, and about being on the same team. If he can’t see that, or worse, if he doesn’t want to, then maybe it’s time to ask yourself what you’re actually getting from all this.
Don’t let him make you feel small or unreasonable. You’ve done nothing wrong, and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself for looking after your own mum. If he can’t loosen the purse strings for family, what hope is there for the rest? You deserve someone who’s got your back, not someone who’s always got one eye on the bank balance.

What an absolute mess. You speak about your DS like he's 4. I was shocked when you said he was 16! There's no need to be going on "family days out" for the benefit of a 16 yo. No wonder he'd rather go with you separately.

What an absolute mess. You speak about your DS like he's 4. I was shocked when you said he was 16! There's no need to be going on "family days out" for the benefit of a 16 yo. No wonder he'd rather go with you separately.

DH thinks he has done enough with how far he has acquienced thus far. I was once told " a leopard doesn't change its spots, they just molts for a while". You should start planning for a future with just yourself and your Son. It will only turn out worse in the long run. He may end up entitled to half of your mums house and you may end up worse off longterm.

'decided to try our best to be amicable and work on this again with compromise on both sides.'

Surely you mean you being even more amicable than a normal person could be. There's absolutely no compromising coming from him.

No one could be amicable or compromise with him because his whole life motivation is based on ways to make you miserable.

He feels good about doing that. It's the thing he most loves to do.

It's time to move on & leave this miserable miserly bugger to himself.

Remember - all the time your son lives in the shadow of his Dad's behaviour he is being emotionally & financially abused - just like you.

Whether your son sees and still believes his dad’s narrative, is neither here nor there, the fact is that you are being used as a target for your H’s unhappiness and dissatisfaction of life.
Your son is 16, your H is trying to involve him in his mind games and you, as your H intended, have felt judged harshly. He wants you to feel caged and controlled, without a voice. Your H’s behaviour is normal to your son, you need to speak up everytime H is nasty. When he said you were fat, demanded a fry up, you calmly tell him not to insult you and you won’t be cooking him a fat breakfast. If he makes out he is a great H, who has worked hard so you all can live in a big house, you calmly point out that you paid half. Calm is key but you, whether your son is there or not, tell him the truth. Whether your son jumps on the bandwagon, you tell the truth. Your son needs to know, you don’t treat women with control and disrespect, women are not objects to be squashed down and destroyed!

You and your H are damaging your son pretending to play happy families- going on a day trip together- just why?! You cooking H breakfast?! You need to get a reality check here. By not separating and living in different homes, you are damaging your son more than you realise. Pack your bags or kick H out. Your DS is 16 and he is the one I feel most sorry for in this farce.

Do you want you son thinking it's acceptable to call you fat? Do you want him to be like his father when he is a DH or father himself. By staying with your prick of a H, the message he is getting is just this. You have stayed to try and be amicable. Do you really think this plan is working?

I’m beginning to think you’re beyond help @MMMMMBacon. You’re miserable, your son’s miserable, why do you want to perpetuate this? Just do everyone, especially yourself, a favour and leave. Divorce this horrible excuse for a human being and build a life for yourself.

I know you don’t want to hurt your son in any way but this pretending to be a United family is a farce and he know it @MMMMMBacon. He doesn’t know why but you need to speak up to H and drop the rope, your H is an awful, controlling bully and you aren’t happy being made to feel less than dog poo on his shoe! It’s not your son’s job to choose sides or to dismiss your feelings along with his dad. You can teach your son an invaluable lesson, that if you treat someone badly, control them and have no regard for their feelings, you end up driving them away! It’s as important as teaching him when he was small, not to put his hands on a very hot oven.

He’s too young to understand the dynamics of what’s happening and he’s looking at it from a purely superficial pov.

DH demanded breakfast and then demanded you play happy families - which was U to begin with not likely to result in anything but squabbling. Lobster is the least of it.

He's still playing games and your son is too immature and inexperienced to see it.

Exactly.

You carrying on the farce is teaching him it’s acceptable in a marriage, for the man to have all the power, to be nasty to a wife, that only his happiness is of importance. That wives are only good for cooking, cleaning, procreation, obeying and bringing in a wage for the husband to rule over.
It would break your heart to see him treat his future wife this way, to see the light go out of DIL’s eyes and lose her voice.
You want him to marry and cherish a wife with love and his wife to love him with her whole heart too, your GC to have a happy life without pretence.

You don’t have to leave. The house will have to be sold anyway and 2 establishments purchased. DS can do 50:50 if he wants.

Just get on with the divorce process, sleep in separate bedrooms if possible, keep to separate parts of the house and don’t kowtow to demands for food and days out.

Exactly this with "BELLS" on.

@MMMMMBacon

we spoke a week ago and decided to try our best to be amicable and work on this again with compromise on both sides

You do realize that his idea of 'compromise' is "I tell you what to do and you do it". And 'amicable' means that you paste a smile on your face and 'be happy' no matter what the provocation.

It took only one, ONE, outing to prove my point.

As far as your son, naturally he's falling on his father's side of the situation, because he's seeing you being 'sulky' and 'demanding'. Are you? No, you're being upset and asking for consideration. But his father is louder than you and unafraid to show his anger at your 'unreasonableness'.

Nothing is going to change. He doesn't want it to change when the 'old way' works better for him.

Now you know that 'being amicable' and 'working on compromise' isn't going to work for you. It's just more of the same with a different coloured ribbon tying up the package. So what are you going to do now?

Being amicable hasn’t worked has it!

Please pluck up the courage to leave. Ds can come and go between the two houses as he pleases at 16. To begin with he might be angry at you and he’ll stay at his dads as he’ll feel sorry for him etc, but he’ll come round and see that you are happier alone.
If he doesn’t, then you’ve already lost him to his brainwashing dad, and the future isn’t good for your relationship with your ds whether you stay or go. The damage will become obvious that its already been done. But at least you’ll be happy in a house without your abusing nasty husband.