DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

I have been abused in other ways too, which I posted about recently - a much awaited promised Barcelona trip (cheap airline and hotel but still much looked forward to) didnt happen instead his friend and friend's wife came over to stay with us for ten days to sightsee our town , instead of staying at a hotel, and he expected me to cook and clean for/after them till I was exhausted although he did all the driving and some of the work too . We rowed then too most recently - his friends are cheap too !! I had to be cook , maid and free B&B host to them.

I think he just despises me and wants out maybe and is turning up steadily the ick factor to make me make the break maybe. Maybe this is another version of the script. It wasnt this bad for 21 years, the last 5 years have been the worst.

He is used to being considered extremely handsome, and he gets women to fawn and blush and flirt very easily, everyone says he is very charming when they first meet us , now his looks are fading and he doesnt get as much easy attention and spotlight. Maybe thats why hes becoming more hateful.

It might be worth taking out a charge on your mothers house - possibly after the divorce so that the £50K isnt swallowed up by care charges

I'm excited for the life you could have once free of his control.

It doesn't really matter why he does it or why he is becoming more hateful. The point is you don't have to live like this.

@MMMMMBacon your mum sounds an absolute sweetheart. I’m glad you’re so protective of her finances and well being - now do the same for yourself! ♥️

the best you can say is "it wasn't this bad? ducks in a row time OP.

Objectivity goes out the window when we are too close to a situation , I genuinely half wondered if he was half justified , except I did offer to pay him 300 GBP myself from my account that he helps himself to anyway so is no longer enough for him I guess

@MMMMMBacon
Pay attention to your husband as he moves from room to room.
Listen carefully.
Does he squeak when he walks?

There is absolutely nothing more unattractive than a tight man.
And your husband is a tight man.

Nothing good will come from staying with this awful man.

He sounds dreadful and abusive. Who does this sad little person think he is? Id get rid asap, draw a line under his theft from you, and do it before you inherit.

Mumsnet has become a lifeline to spend time reading on in recent years ....thank you all so much, stay blessed ....

Your attitude to money sounds good in terms of values but it’s allowed you to be exploited (although at least you are married so in principle you can get most back in divorce). I agree re parents, especially if they helped you financially when you were a young adult it absolutely makes sense to be generous now. Within a marriage it mostly doesn’t matter who pays what or which income it’s out of, almost everything is considered joint anyway. For pensions you should be careful though since his wouldn’t automatically pass to you if he dies, where normal savings would.

you should not ask your sons opinion about divorce. it’s too much to put on a child. This makes me think you are unwilling to make your own decisions and take responsibility. Your mums passivity in agreeing to husbands suggested £300 also makes me wonder if you were brought up to be overly agreeable, passive, people pleaser etc. You need to move past this.

If I were you, I’d want to check that his salary does indeed go towards your retirement, and that he’s not just squirrelling money away for himself and not you.

Once I’d done that, I’d get rid of him. You don’t need him! What on earth does he actually contribute?

thanks to those who have suggested getting a handle on where all 'his' money is going - he does show me the bank statements and pay slips - he does make small splurges on his family - like he might buy only a 10 GBP Asda cake for me or my son birthday if that, but for his cousin he bought a 30 GBP cake to send south for her wedding anniversary - which I mostly just keep silent on for the sake of peace.
I feel like hes the kind of petty person who would argue hours to get 200 GBP off his elderly MIL that honestly he could easily take from my account and I would probably ignore him to keep the peace - and not an actual high flying actual swindler ( that would take actual planning, organising, and project management) who would hide 1000's ....but who knows ? I could be underestimating the new lows ahead. Thank you will stay alert.

Get out, stop letting him take your money, and enjoy your freedom! Go on those holidays!

yes we come from a long line of amiable jovial people pleasers ......I have had to force myself to unlearn a lot of those learned traits......

How ? They’re married. It’s all marital assets.

That’s the saddest thing, OP.
My former husband’s family used to come and stay - I loved them so much, but it was so much hard work and stress and money. I’d have them for two weeks and then have a week to recover and clean and stock up on groceries and get ready for the next set of his relatives to arrive.
It was exhausting.
And my husband never lifted a finger - he didn’t even say thank you.
My husband, however, was not financially abusive until we divorced - and then he turned into a nightmare.
I beg of you to protect yourself NOW before any division begins.
Please.

you've seen pay slips, but have you seen those savings and pension? Must be massive, considering you pay for everything.

Why do you pay for everything and he just saves all his money?? He sounds like a tight-fisted, selfish, controlling, financially abusive cunt. I hate him and I've never even met him so God knows how you must feel.

Free yourself - why are you staying with this awful man…

Get copies of all financial documents and see a competent family solicitor. And file for divorce. Make sure you get every penny due to you and don’t let him rob you of your hard earned money.

thank you all for all the concern and thoughts , it means a lot to be able to talk about this. I was crying all afternoon, but some of your posts made me laugh out at how ridiculous my marriage has gotten.

to those who asked about the ick being with someone like this - yes I haven't felt physical attraction in many years now, he still nags frequently till I say okay (he probably likes to avail of it cos its free), but I cant bring myself to do much more than just lie back and allow. for many years now. The tightness and meanness among other things is a major ick.

How much worse ofd would you be for divorcing him?

I'd ask my mom to bequeath anything she is planning to leave you, to your son instead. Your husband will otherwise pluck it all away from you 😬.

This is absolutely shocking!! You pay all mortgage and bills and all child related stuff for your joint child and then he keeps all his money to himself?!?! He doesn’t have to give you any of that btw in old age. Nothing to force him.

Just tell him it’s over. Your son will get used to the situation and will be happier in the long run. Get a good divorce solicitor lined up and don’t let him bully you. Everything goes though solicitors. Just think how happy you could be three years from now