DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

In any case, FIL lives in India, so H would not be able to see DS , so a shit suggestion either way - even H would not rock DSs life like that, he replied to his father with I can come stay with you more after DS goes to uni.

Go live in India leaving your job here that pays 1000s , as a carer for your dad - a noble thing to do for your dad, but all cos your MIL would not pay you 300 Quid a month ?or in this case actually MIL is willing to pay 300 Quid a month but your wife said no. H just makes more and more sense.

Actually yes you are all right, he can go live with his dad , my son will be with me. Perfect. Thanks FIL

It was just the cold way he said it after I took care of him like a daughter here , I dont think his own daughter has cooked for him for six months visit

cold and dismissive

Strength to you OP! You are 100% right in this but there is no point asking your H and his family to see any sense.

Get your ducks in a row and enjoy the rest of your life. Xx

As I understand it, daughters in law are not generally treated favourably, no matter how much work they put in?
I suppose as a parent you'd always back your child. Try not to focus on FIL too much.

It’s a rough road you have had throughout your marriage, and I don’t think you have ever felt totally comfortable with your husband in the way you should do after all these years. I don’t think it’s going to get any easier anytime soon because his ego and entitlement is so high that whatever you say will be wrong in his eyes. I think about you every day and I do feel so bad for you. Unfortunately, I don’t any advice that will help you beyond what you have already been told in this thread.

@Agapornis H and his folks pick and chose from multiple cultures and traditional/modern values , only what suits them to keep themselves entitled.
PILs would not stand for their daughters being treated like this

But yes, this is a non issue, don't know why I am still shocked at this point by anything

@MMMMMBacon just get out these weird family set ups OP - sons will always be the priority in these situations and frequently can do no wrong

Thank you, your message brought tears again to my eyes

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

His loyalty will always been to his own blood and men of his generation often take it for granted to be waited on by female family members, he probably didn’t even register it.

I wonder how your FIL and extended family would feel knowing his son is a kept man and you pay all the bills including mortgage and for your son’s education whilst he hides away his earnings? I bet your DH hasn’t mentioned that?

Stay strong, you are in the right here, but do let this be a sign to see your husband for what he really is.

He said to FIL with tears in his eyes, I put one salary for the expenses (mortgage, school fees etc) and another salary(His) fully for overpaying 'home loan' and she speaks about me as if I am stealing from her. FIL looked aghast and horrified at how his son had been accused

So moving that I felt like Taylor Swift singing it's me I'm the problem it's me ....

Anyway, he has called the bank to deactivate his card to my account and take his name now off my account. He has kept the mortgage and school fees DDs to my account, but has put a monthly transfer through from his to mine for half the monthly bills. So I guess I got what I wanted - no getting my mum to pay and controlling the finances - but he has us all convinced I am the bad guy as always.

I am shutting this topic down with him completely till DS is 18, while keeping my powder dry and getting ducks in a row. Working on mentally detaching completely now. My son has overheard and annoyed today and is starting to say he be moved to state school from Private. #

Thank you everyone for helping me take two small steps , though it has been difficult, would not have had the courage without you.

@MMMMMBacon

Oh Love, you've probably figured out that I'm old enough to be your mum, so I'm going to speak to you as if you were my daughter. If I get a bit 'stern', put it down to that.

So he said all that to his father. So what? Did you really expect him to say "I'm a shit husband and MMMM deserves a divorce all on her terms"? Did you really expect his own father to take your side? Why would you think that? You may have been the greatest and most fantastic DiL on the earth, but his family is going to side with him regardless. Just as you would expect your family to side with you. And don't be surprised if he doesn't start saying shit to your family and mutual friends (if he hasn't already). He has to make himself into the victim and the wider audience he has, the more of a victim he'll feel. So again, don't feel you need to run around putting out his little fires. Those who know and love you will know the truth. The rest can get to, well, wherever they want to get to, I guess.

I'm glad he's agreed to start paying his share. I'm glad he's shut down his card on your account. Just be sure all the passwords are changed. And from now on, consider him a 'roommate', not a spouse.

So now, stop getting involved in what he says and to whom he says it. Stop paying attention to him. Stop defending yourself. It isn't going to change a thing and it only slows you down. Remember that your marriage is a dead as a doornail and there is no saving it or improving it. You are simply biding your time until it is the right time for you to leave, be that tomorrow or 2 years from now.

Scolding over.

You'll get through this. Seek counseling on your own if you need a place to blow off steam and someone with the skills and training to help you sort through it. And of course, we're always here for you, too.

Some people move their kids from private to state for 6th form because they believe universities favour state schools. I dont believe that and think your son should be where he will be happiest but dont just assume that's his current school. The extra discipline of public schools helps some children but isnt needed by all.

Public schools do seem to spoon feed kids a bit more so the students may find the first university term needs more adjustment.

Edit - Indian culture is mysogynistic, I wouldnt expect FIL to side with a mere woman over his son. I doubt he'd put his own daughter before a son.

Thanks @AcrossthePond55 and @anyolddinosaur , wise advice and I love the tough love on here.

While factions of Indian culture are indeed misogynistic , there are several elements that would have the woman be the matriarch of the house ( buying property in the female's name back then as the 'Goddess Lakshmi (God of wealth) of the house' sentiment etc.

Some ppl like H are just picking and choosing elements here and there as they go. To make me feel a certain way.

Will post in a week if any updates, thanks a lot all.

sorry if the mmm being in caps hurts the eyes , will try to modify user name - mmmbacon is a That 70s show reference :), apparently also a Simpsons reference as I found out just now ....

Given he's not the breadwinner in your house he needs to learn his place and stay in it.

I mean, ultimately who gives a crap what his FIL thinks or his little buddies think... they're either obliged to be on his side due to genetics, or stupid enough to fall for his shit and you wouldn't want them as friends anyway - it is no loss to you in the slightest!

You know the truth, and your DS will (he seems smart enough!) know the truth, anyone who is a true friend to you and values you will know the truth... that is all that matters!

Importantly - the financial stuff is on its way to being sorted, you have WON that battle, outright, hands down! With a tail wind and a pinch of luck you stand a good chance of winning the whole war here! :D

Make sure he has actually done he says everything with the bank, and not just told you that he has.

Your H hates feeling he is losing his authority over you, he tells his tales of woe to his own dad, knowing that he’d always back him up, He thinks if he can get other people to agree with him (even though he’s twisting the truth) you will start to doubt yourself and feel you have to back down.
It doesn’t matter what lies to gain support he says to his father, or friends, you know the truth. Your son knows something is up, he knows it’s to do with money and if he asks, just tell him, ‘Dad was controlling all of our money for years, including my wages’. You don’t need to explain anything more than that, it will give him peace of mind because right now, your son is probably worried your penniless and still paying for private education for him.
You are stronger now, you can go out with friends, visit family, get your ducks in a row, without feeling like you need his permission. You’re biding your time until your son is 18, you still need to get a free consultation with a solicitor to arm you with knowledge.

Thanks @SpryCat , @WiddlinDiddlin , @AcrossthePond55 , @anyolddinosaur and others for their responses. If I ever get through to the other side of this, I think my book will be titled, navigating an abusive marriage for Dummies I have that many questions unanswered but equally many now put to rest from the advice on here

Quick question again an AIBU one, when I was talking to one of DHs friends way back in 2007, three years into our married life and five years after we first met and suddenly he let slip how DHs childhood had been 'different' with 'him leaning on his Parents for support'. I had no idea what that was up to that point.

Turns out he had been diagnosed as an pre-teen with an extremely rare benign and mild form of epilepsy that was only resulted in lack of consciousness (not seizures in the traditional sense) under certain reflexes/triggers - he was indeed taking meds still for it daily at the time while he had been telling me these were Vitamin supplements.

After this came out, his position was and has remained that he thinks it was a misdiagnosis , the medication never helped , he hadn't had an 'episode' in years and years, it was behind him so why the need to mention it to me is his contention...

He since, in 2008, found a doctor to sign him off needing to take the medication without I think a full discussion on side effects (potential). I do believe his personality changed in a few since after 2008 , compared to 2002-2008.

Am I wrong in still feeling he should have shared this me during the dating phase and certainly before the engagement /wedding planning phase ? Of course he always has perfectly valid logic and rationale as to why it 'has nothing to with him or his life post 1990's ' but I can't imagine not telling my OH if it was me, it would have been part of the formative me. I have since read on and off into these types of diagnoses and illnesses , and do think I should have been told and allowed to make an informed decision , I think I would have tailored my expectations and outlook accordingly and I resent being kept in the dark about this first five years - to this day his parents have/had not engaged in dialogue on this when I am around - if they hid this ' in shame' during his childhood, then I imagine that has worse repercussions mentally than the ailment itself.

Of course you should have been told by him.

More dishonesty and duplicity from him.
He is seriously damaged goods and a horror of a man.

I agree with @spry tell your son that Dad has been controlling your money for years but you now have insisted upon your own account.

I still think that all you have endured is a serious police matter.

Yes of course he should have told you.

My daughter had petit mal as a child, a few bullies tried to shame her and make out that had something wrong with her brain! I put her straight!
It does sound like your H felt shame as though he was less than perfect, his parents shielded him (maybe they felt ashamed he wasn’t perfect in their eyes). His Achilles heel is people finding out his true self and he has used that on you, he likes to have an audience and smear you.
He is unable to be emotionally intimate, he has never allowed you to get close, he has a wall of competence around him like a shield, he hides behind it and it enables him to feel perfect. Any mistakes he makes, wrongdoings is shot down in flames because it’s been entrenched in him since he was a child.
Your marriage never had a chance, in order to pacify his ego and fears, he has to dominate, in order for people to not question him. It’s like the elephant in the room, family of alcoholics etc must never question or acknowledge the problem and live their lives shielding and enabling the alcoholic from consequences, they internalise the shame as their own to hide from the world.

Of course he should have told you - also how does he come to the conclusion that the medication didn't help if whilst on it, he didn't have an episode - thats what the medication is meant to do.

Misdiagnosis is possible, of course, and people can easily end up taking medication for years unnecessarily - but to not tell you a word about the whole thing, yep, thats out of order.