DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

I'm curious about the toilets and why they take so much cleaning. Does he does clean up after himself with the brush leaving the toilet pretty much clean all of the time?

Yes..... thank you, thank you , thank you

I meant the showers and the tub and the sinks too :-).....they stay dirty if I dont do them , yes , for a longer time than they should.

My son has recently started doing his own, so now there is only one boy child in the house

Morning @Greenvases , @SpryCat , @AcrossthePond55 , @IVbumble and others who followed my posts over the weekend (thanks a ton again !)

Today is our 21st wedding anniversary, but I am still NC, and he is walking around muttering and looking annoyed too about my reactions last week to mum paying rent - so I might as well use the day off I had organised weeks ago for today, to sort bank.

Would you say it is minimal paperwork to go with

1. Opening new account with the challenger digital bank I work at
2. I need to go in to current bank anyway, to sort out Internet banking for me so checking with them for another new account
3. Going with Nationwide online for the 200£ I could use for a solicitor consult - as suggested by a PP

Do whatever works for you. Do you get any employee perks such as interest rates with the bank you work for? I’d say avoid current bank in case he manages to get someone to impersonate you on the phone for access.

Thank you, I have messaged a colleague now in the relevant department to enquire about how to open a new account as an employee and waiting to hear back.

I can see exactly why you were ground down into doing that, though. And you shouldn't blame yourself. What an utter cunt he is.

Thank you @CameltoeParkerBowles (the user names on here are the icing on the cake to the amazing support and advice on MN :-))

Yes , it is strange, throughout the first ten years, he would sulk if he didnt get his way , I would stay small to keep him happy - many times he would casually say how we weren't compatible - I was shocked when he didnt jump with joy when I did finally break and suggest divorce.

Reading Lundy's should I stay or should I go ...... :(

Never ever stay small to make people happy ❤️

My username is so boring, I’m trying to think of a great one,
itshouldofbeenmetomhardy

Your H will be muttering to himself because you’ve not organised anything to celebrate the fact you’ve been married for 21 years to an abusive Scrooge.
I suggest you book yourself somewhere nice for a meal for one and buy him a pot noodle to eat in front of the tv.

Read about the different types of account you can have. Some you pay for but have perks, e.g. phone and travel insurance included. First Direct have good customer service and they also offer incentives to move to them from time to time. The recommendation for Nationwide was because you could make the change immediately. https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/compare-best-bank-accounts/

So if he has been paying down the mortgage and incurring a financial penalty for doing it he's financially illiterate but at least he's spent most of the money on a shared asset. It would have been better to put the money into cash ISAs and then paid down the mortgage when the financial penalties expired and you remortgaged.

Going forward you need to be protecting your financial interest and making him pay his share of the bills. Either he helps with housework or you hire a cleaner.

If your son is set on medicine it's expensive to support your child through their degree. Student loans dont usually cover the costs. You wont have private school fees to pay, that will help. You should encourage your son to look at working in school holidays. The NHS has bank admin and healthcare assistant jobs from time to time. It's fairly well paid and relevant experience. The application process in England is slow, dont know about Scotland. https://jobs.scot.nhs.uk/ Potential medical students may also work with the 111 service. An acquaintance's son did this.

Can I just pull you up on something you said up-post?
You are NOT broken!
If you were you would not be thinking so lucidly and fighting back.
Whatever you decide to do going forward, you will find the courage and strength within you...
Take time and love yourself.x

Insisting that you clean toilets while he does his 'oh so important and very manly' work is his way of telling you that you are of low status compared to him because you are a woman. Stupid, inadequate men need to do stuff like this to make them feel superior to their wives who are actually cleverer, more resourceful and definitely much nicer people than their horrible husbands.

He sounds totally repulsive.

@MMMMMBacon

Since I'm in the US (and 8 hrs 'behind' you) I can't really advise on UK banking choices, other than to echo a PP who says it's best to have your new account at a different bank. And also, keep all banking notices via email, preferably using a new email account he doesn't know about. No letters to the house.

'Keeping small' is something I remember all too well in my first marriage. Literally creeping around the house trying to avoid his notice and the resulting nastiness. Along with the feeling of freedom after I kicked him out, I felt taller and like I could finally really breathe deeply.

As far as being shocked when you say he pooh-poohed divorce, I'm not. Think about it, he had a cook, cleaner, nanny, accountant, social secretary, bed partner and more, all rolled into one lovely package. And the bonus of being thought of as 'a good family man', which can be meaningful in certain careers and social strata. And at virtually no cost! Why should he give that up due to 'incompatibility' when it means he'd have to cook his own meals, clean up after himself, wash his own pants, care for his own child, and keep his own life 'organized'? In fact, he should be doing that now. Part of moving to the guest room should also be the withdrawal of all 'domestic services' for him. Let him get used to looking after himself. You have better things to do.

Sorry, didnt realise Nationwide cash is for existing customers only. First Direct can be opened online though and currently offers £150.

This absolutely nails it!

:-) Pot noodle reference reminded me of the pot noodle wanker thread I am following on here @SpryCat . I haven't done any cooking or anything for him since the flare up on Thursday.

Some girlfriends' of mine had recently been trying to plan a girls' trip for one of the summer weekends - without the DHs or DC - and H had guilted me into feeling that was 'bad moms' idea - so much so that when I tried pulling out of the plan gently, my amazing friends suggested we do a families trip instead to the Lakes or similar. I called one of them this evening (H and I haven't spoken today and the NC continues mutually, despite today being our 21 WA , which was sad but necessary) and suggested let us revert to Girls trip original plan - he must have heard me as he stormed out banging front door soon after. Didn't tell DS where he was going either, and DS has asked me twice if I know.

Thanks @anyolddinosaur , @thepariscrimefiles , @AcrossthePond55 and others who replied, I have got the online form and list of things I need to collate now for the new Bank account at where I work.

Let him stew OP. Despicable man.
He is making noises because he knows you mean the business

Even the very slightest hint of anger or violence against you, ring the police and spill the beans on this abusing sexually coercive pig.

Don not hesitate OP.
Well done for calling your friends.
Tell them the truth about him.

@MMMMMBacon find it hard to believe you work in a bank and dont know how to open a new account online! that should have been done days ago! it is also too late to get this month's wage paid into a new account!!

It was the pot noodle wanker thread that gave me to idea 🤣, her husband has a fantastic wife too x

And I work in Legal, Audit & Risk - if that makes it even more impossible to believe :-)

This thread has opened my eyes to so much just in 48 hours seeing all this written down and people's reactions, believe me :-) I am in more shock than you.

Twenty years in an abusive relationship can dumb down even PhDs maybe (I am not a PhD)....or maybe that's just my excuse ....

I am nowhere near fantastic anything category @SpryCat , but thanks for your support , very kind .......

Your strength and determination is a joy to see.

Believe you are fantastic, you just haven’t seen your fantastic self for a while.

But she’s coming out and speaking up xx