DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

@WellerUser , thanks for your post.

Had some terse words this morning before DS was up - H says he is justified in some payment from my mother for the 50K.

I mentioned opening a new account as he has selective amnesia and forgets all the times I had bonus'es over the years and higher pay when contracting etc if he really thinks that it has all been more or less equal cos there were many many years when extra 1000s by me.

The argument then moved on to everything under the sun, the woman from the hobby who was his special friend , every man I was even in the same room with yada yada, ended in mutual exhaustion and disgust as needed to get on the day and DS getting up.

Genuinely he does not get it, and there is huge amount of entitlement, I am unable to really gauge and measure how much of this is just Male entitlement, how much is Indian /Asian male entitlement - and how much is narc arsehole entitlement. To solutionise accordingly.

If it was not for DS, I would leave today - as much for H's peace as mine. Because he genuinely seems worried my mother is out to rob him. No words.

I am ashamed to admit I yelled well I don't think your parents did a good job of parenting at all (haven't said anything mean about in laws since crossing 30 I don't think) in response to his last word that he didn't trust my mum at all and said she was expecting H to fund her 'lavish retirement'

Please don't be ashamed. You are finally seeing your husband for the awful person that he is. His treatment of your mum is disgusting and you are completely in the right to stick up for her and to challenge his ridiculous narrative. He will continue to use your mum as a weapon to make you back down. Don't fall for this. Stay strong.

Saying he thinks your mum wants him to fund a lavish retirement is ironic when you consider that you paying for everything has been allowing him to save for a lavish retirement of his own. So really what he’s saying is he doesn’t want to share the retirement he plans for himself which is funded by others.

Thanks @thepariscrimefiles and @LurkyMcLurkinson

Just crazymaking .....He sounds utterly convinced he is the victim in all this.
I suggested counselling and getting every single occurrence of 23 years out in the open in a safe space and him expressing his emotions (and me mine) with a counsellor helping us figure out a way forward

He said no - he doesn't 'need therapy'
I think I have sadly mentally checked out now , maybe for the long haul this time and not just a few weeks huff, and will get my ducks in a row to leave between son turning 16 now to going off to Uni in two years at 18. I think I need to use the interim period to build up some adulting skills I lack,

Hi @MNHQ , please can I have this thread moved to relationships.

The voting is done (97 pc) of people said H was being unreasonable, although I drip fed what had happened in 2013 after some had already voted, but also the drip feed about him and his crush in 2018 hopefully evens it out some.
Think I got my answer but would love to dip in here and request advice as things continue to unfold, please ?

@LurkyMcLurkinson indeed - there’s a certain type of person I’ve come across, mainly male in all honesty who seems to want to do bugger all beyond 50 and get everything paid off , and in this case on @MMMMMBacon s dollar!! This is all fine and good if it’s a joint ambition and has been discussed and there’s full transparency across all finances and savings and the load is equally shared and supported- in this case though @MMMMMBacons H hasn’t been transparent at all nor does it seem a shared vision- wouldn’t suprise me if he’s been dabbling in bitcoin etc , that often fits with the get rich quick and hide savings mentality. He sees himself as ‘in charge’ OP - despite the fact you are clearly enabling and funding ‘his ‘ vision to the detriment of yourself - to be honest I would file, get the places sold off , maybe give him £25k more to allow for 50% of what was given to your mum - because if he hadn’t given it that £50k would have been ‘in the pot’ anyway. He’s getting aggressive and wound up because his ‘vision’ is now going out the window- and quite rightly .

I was in an abusive first marriage (he was 10 years older)drinking made him aggressive and he used ex forces experience as an excuse ( I was in the forces at the time but he’d left). I had a wonderful solicitor who arranged for me to move back on base , sorted a bank account and even offered to store any furniture or other things I wanted for me. The girls on camp were very protective and screened my phone calls for me and he wasn’t allowed on base. He tried to get money from me by claiming depression meant he couldn’t work but it was proved that it was his dinking that was the cause and not depression. I had no family support - my mother told me to stay with him.
My point is, you will get through this and it looks like you have a supportive mother and friends - hugs and good luck. Don’t let him play with your mind

It's important to never go for couples counselling with an abusive partner so it's good that he isn't interested.

Remember grey rock - no matter what crap comes out of his mind.

You no longer care what he believes to think.

He has had his own way for years and now he can’t understand why you are suddenly going against him. He is like a spoiled child.

Dear OP you are doing well and will do even better as you clear the undergrowth away and get a clearer view.
Avoid any talk with him.

There is a Scotsnet section of MN.
Maybe they have meet ups.
Or you could suggest it.
Anyway full of useful advice about living in Scotland and different areas.
I know you've been there for a while but branching out on your own is different.
Also might be nice to meet some real live MNers and have their ongoing support and encouragement.
All the best from far too hot London burbs.

I have reported your post so MN see the message. @MNHQ doesn’t actually go anywhere, despite looking as though it does!

Getting your ducks in a row is sound advice even if you make up with him tomorrow. I doubt your marriage will last now that your eyes have been opened so it's really a matter of when, not if. You won't get the opportunity to look at his financials ever again as he will be in the process of covering his tracks, so now is the time to do it.

Moving forward it might be beneficial for you to get separate therapy, or do what I did - continue to read the Relationship board and see "my DH and his traits'" being repeatedly mentioned. These types of men are everywhere, and unfortunately the type of women who put up with them are too many, then they come here, read, and think WTAF??!!?

If not therapy (or other threads), you could invest in The Freedom Programme which explores boundaries, and learn the art of grey rocking aka cba anymore.

The crazy making is to confuse you, to make out he’s the victim and to turn any discussion into any argument. People like this won’t ever admit accountability, will deliberately not see your point of view and are so closed down.
You can’t sort anything out with a crazy maker, you can beg, talk calmly or shout, there is no getting through to them.
You’re told ‘your point of view is skewed’, they make out you’re a liar or that you’re losing your mind.
Then when you get your ducks in a row, start making your own plans for moving on, they panic, they beg for a second chance and declare they will change. They are incapable of seeing anything wrong in themselves or changing, they believe themselves to be the victim.

Men this awful often have a whole other level of weirdness going on yet to be uncovered. Check carefully into whether his savings still exist and he hasn’t spent it on something nefarious.

Yes, well next time he says that, tell him that the 20 something will stay with him till the money's gone, and then she'll bugger off with someone her own age.

@MMMMMBacon

I think I have sadly mentally checked out now

Nothing remotely sad about it! You have done this in order to protect yourself and to give you the incentive to build your own life. I guess you can think of it as an 'emotional divorce'. You're still married 'by law', but within yourself you have divorced yourself from the emotions that make a marriage. And all things considered, you are right to do so.

And of course he doesn't want counseling. He has no faults and he already knows all of yours. What is there to discusss, right? Unless of course, the session consists of him cataloging all your 'wrongs' against him whilst the counselor nods wisely at him whilst giving you cutting glances. And even he isn't stupid enough to believe that will happen.

To tell the truth, it is strongly advised that a person never have joint counseling with their abuser. And you have been abused, financially and emotionally. If you have counseling with him, all he will do is say nothing and quietly memorize every thing you say so as to turn it against you later and to exploit any emotional weaknesses you bring up in session. In other words, all it will do is give him more and valuable 'ammo' to hit you with.

So just keep that emotional 'distance' and in frank terms stop talking to him about the marriage. There's no point. If you make a decision than he needs to know about (like the new account and hopefully him contribution more) you say it baldly and then walk away. No talking about your mum, his parents, the past. Stay in the present and necessary things only. If he starts bringing things up say "You know, it looks as if you're trying to start an argument. I'm not interested in that" and then change the subject. If that doesn't work, leave the room.

Remember JADE. Never Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain your actions or decisions.

He only shows you bank statements that he wants you to see. You can bet your boots he has more money than he is letting on. Look for other bank accounts. Don't forget that he will be making his plans too.

Yes he may have other accounts. Comb the bank statements for signs that money was being siphoned off.

Have you stopped his access to your account yet? New accounts take time to open, freezing a card is quick. Your employer should be able to quickly remove him from your existing account.

Thank you everyone who replied, I havent been able to stop crying for hours now and my chest feels tight like I cant breathe, forcing myself to stop crying to be able to breathe.

I heard H speaking to FIL and telling him some nonsense version of how I always speak disrespectfully about him to my mother - I joined the video call and told FIL about the asking my mum interest and did I not have the right after all that I earn to waive interest from my mother if I wished to ? would I have stopped H paying 300 quid a month for FIL if he needed it given FIL has willed 100K's property to him ?

I really thought FIL would say something a bit supportive of me , have been his DIL for 21 years , I looked after him when he came and stayed in SCO for six months in 2022 even tho it was so tiring ,all he said was pls consider my grandson and stop arguing -making me feel like a shit mum
Then when he thought I left the room he said to H, just leave and come home , this is a 90 year old talking to a 53 year old, mind you - probably wanting a carer at this point on call - why wait till this situation to ask your kid to come and care for you, if you need the support you can ask anytime ?
Just brought back memories of the first few years when H would seem like a fundamentally good person, compared to PILs sometimes.....

Just havent been able to stop crying today....my mother never has said leave him....and has always tried to see the best in him....like a son

See this for what it is - your FIL knows there IS no defence for his sons behaviour, thats why all he can say is a bland and vague 'stop arguing for your kids sake'.

It would be MUCH better for you if ex H did piss off to live with his Father, leaving you and DS alone to get on with life, and for you to sort out divorce and finances without him huffing and puffing and being an arsehole!

FIL didn’t actually take sides he just said stop arguing and think of your kid. Which is fair enough.

I don’t think it was appropriate to get involved in their conversation, nor was it likely to end well. If your DH is telling tall tales that’s just another reason to get away from him. A 90 year old dependent on their son is not likely to rock the boat and involving him is just stressful for him.

Your mother may just be a kinder person or she may be conditioned to feel subordinate to men and try and make a marriage work whatever the situation. Perhaps she could have been more supportive to your leaving him. Either way you need to leave now.

Agreed.

Don't take your FIL's thoughts too seriously. After all, your H got his negative views of divorced women from somewhere! You FIL is of a different generation and may culturally frown upon divorce even more than your husband does.

Him moving out to his family would be amazing, no? None of the upheaval for you!