DH wants DM rental income

[MMMMMBacon]

Summarised backstory first -

Married for 21 years and together 23/24 years. I am almost 47 Y/o. I am the higher earner of the two of us though we both earn decently - My only gap in work being a year Mat break 15 years ago. No second child mainly cos he is very tight fisted with money , even mine. I have always compromised and led a simple life - no fancy holidays etc , no fancy eating out or splurges with shopping. My only 'extravagance' from his perspective is I wanted our son to go a fee paying school and he does. Both our mortgage and DS school fees as well council tax, utilities, both phones go from my account that he also has a card to. His salary goes to another account that he saves , as he says, for 'our' retirement - he does afford himself little treats from there. He buys the groceries from there for us. He doesnt like eating out.

My mother has willed her house to me and is now almost 70. Last year she had rot and flooding in one part of the house and her situation was pitiable, staying at a friends house as the roof in one part of the house was horrific. She lives comfortably on a pension and some savings in the bank but didnt have enough to rebuild or even renovate parts of the house and it was ancient/crumbling. She thought about selling it to a small developer who would build it up as 2 units and then sell one and give her one unit. which I would get in future was her plan, it was H who said the developer seems very dodgy blah blah blah , finally long story short - I paid the money for the renovation and repairs which was under 50K (with him okaying it at the time) - now he says my mother should pay him 300 GBP every month for the 50K since he refused to free up any liquidity for me to have the 50k ( we have other assets we could have sold, and I had other plans for financing it myself) but he insisted at the time he pay the 50K from his severance pay he got last year (he got a new job immediately) - I told him I will give him the 300 GBP but he insists my mother pay it out of her monthly pension and savings. presumably my money is all his anyway and not he wants more. AIBU ?

He duped you into marrying the man he portrayed himself to be, not the man he was and is. You’ve been hiding the real person he is, you’ve felt great shame in how he has treated you but @MMMMMBacon it isn’t your shame to carry, it’s his! By putting the spotlight on his abuse, by telling the truth, that burden you’ve been carrying of his, will disappear from your shoulders.
Your son will have questions, you have to tell him the truth without dragging him in, to side with you, like his dad will. You just tell him, his dad has been controlling all of all money, you’ve both worked hard for, even your wages, the explanation skims through the top of your marriage problems without much detail. It will be like a weight have been took of his shoulders, as he thinks your paying for his education and gone bankrupt. Anything his dad says to him, you can tell him simply, it’s not his job to be piggy in the middle and to not allow himself to be dragged into it. That a good parent doesn’t try to make their children take sides!

Whatever the complexion of his particular illness - predisposition to epilepsy can be genetic - some types run in families. So that was something you needed to know upfront wrt children.

He possibly saw it as a weakness and was embarrassed about it. His parents, especially his father, could also have seen it as a weakness and told him not to talk about it. It is unreasonable not to say to you but he is not a normal person. You are a very strong woman to have put up with him and his antics all these years. A lesser person would have walked away a long time ago.

@MMMMMBacon

Of course he should have told you! Even if he wanted to start with "I think it's all wrong and bullshit but......".

Listen, I have 2 genetic conditions, one a dietary restriction and the other a blood disorder. Neither is life threatening and both easily managed, but they do affect my life, one on a daily basis, one every so often. The genetics aside, I certainly would have told anyone I dated about them because one would and the other could affect our day to day life AND obviously our children. My conditions, however, don't 'show themselves' until middle age so that ship had sailed by the time they surfaced. I'm adopted, so there was no way to know 'ahead of time'.

I know there can be a genetic link to epilepsy, but not always. Is this something you feel you should discuss with your DC's doctor?

But here's a bit of a caution. You already have enough to 'resent' about him, you don't need to add fuel to that particular fire and use up precious emotional energy. Think it through, of course, and consider whether you want to discuss genetics with DC's GP. But then, try to let that one go and focus on the 'real' issues facing you today. If you find there is a genetic link (and I think it highly unlikely), however, give him hell.

Well he isnt as bad as your initial post suggested. He's been financially controlling and he certainly should have been discussing major financial decisions like paying off the mortgage early with you but he has not been keeping your money as his savings. He also did spend money on your mother's house, even if he now thinks it should be repaid.

Are you an only child? We've been assuming you are and that therefore you benefit eventually from your mother's house. Even if the money is used to fund a nursing home for your mother you would probably have felt obliged to pay that, or take her in to the 6 bed house. He obviously is not his father's only child and may not inherit much from his father. I'm told (no idea how reliable this is) that land in India can sometimes only be inherited by Indian citizens. Even if there is a will your husband may have obligations to his female relatives.

Going forward you'll have a more equal marriage and can decide whether to stay or go.

Talk to your son about schools. He should be able to stay at his school if he wants but also consider other options. Schools you pay for are not always the best choice. Mumsnet can be a good place to find information on local schools and the higher education forum has regular threads on medicine. Your son should also consider registering on the Student Room website. There is also some, mostly decent, advice on applying for medicine there. What is stated on university websites as their requirements is generally less than the actual offers they make.

Because it makes him feel like he has all the power!
Pire and simply POWER…. He’s demonstrated this need by
controlling your account, getting
alerts and questioning every penny
you spend, controlling how you look by
moaning about expenditure on hair and nails etc.
Inviting friends to stay and treating you like his maid….
Working extra hours just so he can say he earns more than you … I bet he also describes your work as being less important despite the better salary.,,,

Not just a separate account but he needs to
pay half of everything… EVERYTHING!

Controlling you makes him feel more important than he is. You've earned more than him and he therefore has to "win" over you. Plus he'll see it as part of his culture that men make the decisions.

I know a Hindu guy who left his wife, she thinks he hid money from her. If he was expecting a new life with a 20 year old it's a few years on and she hasnt shown up yet. And his (adult) son would not speak to him or see him at all for a couple of years. They are back in contact now but he sees a lot more of his mother.

thanks all .....we spoke a week ago and decided to try our best to be amicable and work on this again with compromise on both sides. I sent my mum 200 GBP as a birthday gift which I have never done before , and got my online banking all sorted to my account and deactivated his debit card etc.

He put in his share of bills for this month too.

Last week my son was sick with tonsilities and I was so guilty i promised myself to put son first always and not ever argue with his dad in front of him

This morning I am minding my business with H on a saturday to avoid any arguments , ignored his you are fat now and eat too much jokes and was tidying kitchen - he asked for a cooked full breakfast , I cooked 90 minutes and served a breakfast that was filling but I cant eat large meals, I need to eat small meals every three/four hours ever since I started BP medication

H wanted to take DS to beach and I happily blessed that plan, DS and I had been out the first week of July before his week long thoat infection, and I was happy with a quite netflix and chill afternoon, I really dont think I am high maintenance and demanding but I know H wont take us out anywhere really nice for lunch and if its gets late , I start getting cranky now at 46 I cant wait till 3pm for lunch

H said I was not being good family , avoiding saturday outing with him and he wanted me to come - heard all this before and know how sometimess it can end - went along for DS. Even tho DS himself likes outings better with either one of us not both sometimes on a saturday where he knows there is only one plan and one idea for what to do out and about (hes consulted when its my doing the planning tho)

So off we went, H said waterfront, and I suggested getting sandwiches on the way , he didnt stop anywhere for the sandwiches. No parking at waterfront and whole town had the same idea. He starts circling around God knows why ? Then he drives to a tesco saying DS needs the bathroom. DS and I see a lobster restaurant right next to tesco. We go into tesco, I know H is going to feel the lobster place too pricey, so I say lets eat at tesco cafe it looks nice enough hadnt been to that one before - H says no its too insipid (though he cant spice) - then I say should we just get sandwiches here, he says no , we will find something else, I grab a snack sushi pack as its 1.45/2pm and i feel strange.

We go out , he says he wants to walk not drive to see lobster place menu, I eat the sushi in the car while he goes sees menu, I think he will call me and ask me to come over once he has sseen it, or come back to get car leaving son there at a table (Son almost 16) , both of them come back, and H says nothing vegetarian for you , lets go elsewhere - then I can see son wants to try lobster, and hes never had lobster ever i think, son is trying to tell me dont vegetarians eat mussels, and i am as worried about DS not having eaten at 2pm yet, he has just recovered from tonsiilities , I say lets go to lobster place, they can probably do me some chips as its a posh chippy or at the very least side salad and a desert . H says no we are not going there. Then even DS is confused and finally H says its gloomy there, and brings us back to a fast food rolls place right near home it is 3pm by then. I was crying in the car on the way back and DS noticed and looked upset and miserable too, but he doesnt understand potential gaslighting - and thinks genuinely his dad was trying desperately to find us a place to eat and could not till 3pm...and confused whether the problem is a mean man or a high maintenence whiney woman here....crying after getting home realising I can never give DS the happy teen /childhood I had growing up

Omg op am stressed out just reading this, what an ewful day you and son have had,
Your h isn't trying very hard is he, why put you down over your wieght why!! This not nice, this is a man who has promised to try harder, not belittle you, while asking for a fry up breakfast,
oh op I hope this works out for you and your son, but please don't except his disrespect of you

As an adult woman and mother with your own money and autonomy why did you allow that to happen?

You're into the fool me twice area now and this shame is coming onto you.

You can give him a happy childhood you just need to get away from your DH.

When DH said you were “not being good family” you should have said “we’re not a good family, that’s why we’re getting divorced, specifically you were not a good husband.”.

Going forward you need to stop playing the surrendered wife, don’t jump when DH says jump as he’s just trying to exert power over you.

If you don’t find the wherewithal to stand up to him and get away from him your son will genuinely have a miserable rest of his teenage years.

Oh this isn't a good marraige at all and it's a really horrible way to live.

You don't deserve to live under this controlling cloud of negativity and criticism.

If you don't feel you have the strength to leave, can you at least try some counselling to raise your self esteem and gain the courage to exit?

Why the fuck did you allow the day to carry on like that?

Honestly.

It's not worth 'saving'. There's nothing there to save!

I’m so sorry @MMMMMBacon, he's back to punishing you again, little digs about your weight, demanding a fry up and making you got out as a family. He’s needling you, trying to make out the problems in the marriage is you. He is furious you stood up to him and opened up a bank account, he is showing you he won’t change, he will get worse. He’s using the pretence of a united family to get you to obey him and punish you, it’s backfiring and making your son see the cracks.
Your son knows you cried in the car because you were hungry and your H can’t try to make out it was any other reason. He knows his dad is difficult, he may even be walking on eggshells himself around H.
You would walk into fire for your son, you even tried to speak to your H and give your marriage another chance for the happiness of your son but your H only puts his own needs and anger first.
Move back into the spare bedroom, you have no other option than to speak to a solicitor, to know that you are entitled to 50/50. You could sell the house and both buy a two bedroom house each.

son says I was the unreasonable one tho , as I had sushi to tide me over and we were all genuinely finding a place to eat ie despite the late hour everyone was trying their best and he wished i hadnt got so upset over 'nothing'

for all those out there waiting till your kid is 16 or 18 to leave, take it from me, leave when the kid is 6 or 8 ...too exhausted with the weather at 25 to 30 to even cry haha, yes moved back to guest room for space and quiet

Whether you stay married, separate or divorce, your son will be affected by his dad, he is too obvious, bitter and angry and the cracks are becoming more obvious! There is nothing you can do, your H is imploding, showing his true nature! The only thing you can control is giving your son a stable, happy home by divorce and buying a smaller home for you and your son away from the tyrant.

i am not even sure if son will come with me if i leave...new low

You had sushi because you know dh is tightfisted git. Your son and dh could have eaten out but your dh trying to put the blame on you. I would honestly just do my own thing. Why should you not treat yourself with nice food now and again. Too tight to buy a Tesco butty.

Op, in the last 5 years or so I’ve been to the funerals of 6 people under 55.

What are you waiting for, leave now and live your life. We make a mistake when we assume we have all the time in the world. Not all of us will get to 100, or even 80 or 90. I’m just so frustrated reading your updates, you can leave now, and it won’t be easy, but you and your son will be happier for it. Every second you’re spending with this awful man is a waste of your life. Wishing you strength!

And the next time 'D' H wants a cooked breakfast - show him where the pans live and point him at the fridge.

so tempted to go on tinder and have a casual affair to forget this pain, my heart is really breaking over and over again even tho each time I tell myself there are no more tears left to be cried

I know I wont have the guts even to do that though, as my track record for being able to keep a relationship casual is zero. I'd screw that up too I am sure.

btw this lunch drama is off the back of him treating himself to a new laptop for 800 quid this week and a 4th TV for the house which I didnt think was needed for 200 Quid - and claims the refusal to enter the lobster place was care for me that it had nothing vegetarian ( chips ? dessert ? water ? Drinks?) for me, and not because the lobster was 25 quid

He’s never going to change I hope you get more money to yourself now. Talk to your son first no point going without him.