Partner drinking excessively

[BySpryGreenFinch]

Never done this before, but feel I need to try and get some perspective outside of my own head.

I've been with my partner for a year and he's asked me to move in with him. I should be so excited, but I'm a little hesitant. He's a lovely and charming man with a big heart and I really love so much about him. But there is another side to him that worries me...

I've noticed that he drinks quite a lot and I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not about moving forward into a potentially permanent long-term situation. He only really drinks 3 nights per week, but he seems to drink A LOT. I enjoy a drink at the weekend too, but I keep it to a limit and go to bed early. He will often stay up later than me comes to bed at 2 or 3am after drinking more on his own. I've worked out that he's having anywhere between 60 and 100 units every week. Because he doesn't drink every night and can still go to work and function normally, I'm wondering if it's me overreacting or just thinking that he's a bigger guy so can hold it. Although, I know deep down that this isn't good, and I've not experienced this level of drinking before with any partner/family member. I have tried to talk to him about cutting down and he gets quite defensive and has turned it around on me on the odd occasion (although I have a sneaking suspicion that this has been going on for a lot longer than I have known him). It came to a head when I threatened to leave, and he promised to cut down. He did for a couple of weeks, but it's back up to around 60 units again.

He has young children as well, and I worry about it when they're there. Aside from also worrying about the long-term health implications of this, he can tend to be tired, irritable and snappy over little things. I imagine it's due to the booze, even though he never really seems that drunk. I guess I've been worried to walk away in case this is 'normal' and i'm the one overreacting (as he has said in the past). I am in my early 30s and would like a partner, home and a child of my own one day, so I guess I'm terrified of leaving at this stage and I feel really lost and confused.

Aside from these issues, I do really enjoy his company when it's good. Of course, there are loads of good moments too or I wouldn't be here. I just keep wondering, are the good moments worth these worries?

I guess I just want to know, what would you do in my shoes? Stay, put up with the drinking and bad temper and hope it gets better, or leave, find my independence again and try looking for something new?

I would walk away now. At times, drink played too big a role in my childhood. I would never have married a man who drank too much.

No, I wouldn’t be moving in to be his live-in nanny and housekeeper, while he ramps up the drinking even more because you’re there as the sober responsible adult to look after his kids.

I would run like the wind from this relationship.

You have given him the opportunity to cut down and he hasn't- probably because he can't, he's an alcoholic.

Walk because staying will cause you immense grief - he already has the love of his life.

He does drink too much OP , that will get worse .. You’re not overthinking it …
His kids watching him aswel , not good ..
I wouldn’t like to be with someone personally that is too fond of alcohol..
I wouldn’t take any notice if it was we’ll say , has 2 beers after work sitting down in the eve 3 times a week , your partner drinks to excess , sits up until the am hours to do it …
Not good OP .. x

Walk away now and safe yourself the heartache of seeing someone you love destroy you, him and everything around the two of you. He is an alcoholic with that level of drinking.

My exH did this, got home from work, and go the odd bottle out, then another, and was up making yellow sticky notes reminders till 3am, hardly able to drag himself to bed then stinking of alcohol sleeping and snoring next to me.

I regretted almost immediately having moved in with my ex as his issues with drinking were far deeper and complex than he had made me believe.

My ex also became a bully when coming out of the intoxication. Ruined holidays and special occasions. And was like butter could not melt if he knew I was about to leave him. My ex is still drinking 19 years on. It took me 7 years to leave.

I am in my early 30s and would like a partner, home and a child of my own one day, so I guess I'm terrified of leaving at this stage and I feel really lost and confused

If you knew what you could be getting into, you would be terrified of staying.

Find your independence again and do not get into further relationships with heavy drinkers with bad tempers to boot. Raise your relationship bar to not include such men in your life.

He’s an alcoholic and his primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. Alcohol also
is a cruel mistress. You should refuse his offer of moving in and from that end the relationship. I never write such things lightly but you can and should save your own self here from more misery. You’ve also been policing his drinking and that is a bad sign too.

He just wants someone ie you currently
look after or otherwise manage his kids whilst he gets ever more pissed on a regular basis.

Again he is not partner material. Why are you so apparently terrified about leaving him?. Or are you afraid of his reaction when you tell him it’s over. This man is absolutely not your last chance to be a mother but this man is your very own Mr Wrong.

Why do you think his last relationship ended?. It ended likely because of his drinking to excess. Think critically here, take off the rose coloured glasses and do not be your own worst enemy by hoping against hope that things will improve.

Wow, I didn't expect to get any responses. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and reply.

I think it's clear from the responses that this isn't just all in my head, and it's not normal and not something I should walk into in a more permanent capacity. It's just so hard when you do love them and do see the good things too. It really hurts. But the problem is, one day when the 'desire' wears off, and i'm sitting there with another baby, helping to raise his other young children, running around trying to keep it all together, going above and beyond to make him happy, and then watching him drink himself to ill-health, snore next to me all night and fall asleep on the sofa the next day and get bad tempered, it'll make me resentful and angry. I imagine I'll look at my life and think, 'how did I get here? I was once young and happy and bright and you've stolen it from me with your ignorance and arrogance'. Sorry, that was harsh! But it terrifies me and keeps me up at night...(and then I think, 'maybe I'm overreacting and it'll all be fine'...).

@AttilaTheMeerkat you're absolutely right, i'm afraid of his reaction - i don't handle confrontation well and i dont like it when he gets angry, it really triggers me massively and makes me retreat within myself. I have a very strong inkling that the ex left because of this too, though I don't know for sure.

No you are not over thinking and no it will not be fine if you are fool enough to move in with him. You know this relationship at heart is wrong otherwise you would not have posted and your misgivings are very real. Do not swallow down your valid feelings here for someone like he because he is not worth it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you so much! i really appreciate you taking the time to respond and it really helps!

@TheAvidWriter yeah I always thought of alcoholics who got up in the morning and started drinking, but this guy doesn't drink 4 nights per week. so it's really hard to get my head around it. but when he starts, he just cannot stop and it keeps going until the early hours.

And yes his ex likely left because of his temper too along with the drinking to eccess. Alcoholics cannot be cured by the love of a good woman.

The only person who can help
your man is his own self and he does not want your help or support. He also does not want to address his drinking. You will just end up propping him up so please do not move in with him.

Walk away. Having lived with heavy drinking parent and ex; it does not get better, it will on occasion get very much worse. And the fact you are already feeling uncomfortable will just amplify into frustration, anger, resentment- all of which you will be gaslit into thinking its your problem, not theirs. Get out now before you invest too much more

Yes this. I made same mistake stayed 16 years. Horrible consequences for my ds
Alcoholic dad
He is a lifelong addict - its ruined everything like an insipid poison. Don't be me.

Run. He's an alcoholic.

you do not know for certain he does not drink four nights a week. That is likely what he tells you. Have a look also at his recycling bin. He lies and will keep on
lying to himself and you and will otherwise be in denial.

Alcoholics do not sit on park benches and drink copious amounts out of paper bags. Many are very ordinary people, some hold down jobs until they do not and they often continue with their long suffering families until the wheels well and truly fall off. Binge drinking is problematic in its own right so do not make his drinking your problem too.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism: he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent.

I don't date men with substance abuse issues because of what I experienced. I would have stopped dating your dude on e I saw the extent of his drinking and his defensiveness over it.

Do not move in with this guy. Do not have children with him.

His primary relationship is with alcohol.

He's may be functional now but at the rate he drinks, you can't count on that continuing.

If he can’t stop - it’s a problem. My ex wife was similar- you can argue about the A word but it’s pointless, everyone will have their own definition and find one that doesn’t apply to them. Bottom line - are they in control? Is it adversely affecting their life? Sounds like a no and yes.
You talked about ‘hoping it will get better’. It won’t. Promise.

I agree with all them.

I also think arguing the toss as to whether or not he is an alcoholic is unproductive. Is his current drinking at a level you accept for your relationship now and going forward?(No)

Is this level of alcohol consumption indicative of someone who is good father material? (definitely not)

Yes, I mean we can all go to a party and have too much to drink, wake up the next morning and think i'm never doing that again! And then drink moderately over the coming weeks. But he is drinking 60-100 units EVERY week...and not because we have a social event. He's often either with me or on his own. I may have a glass or two of wine with dinner on my own after a stressful day at work, but this seems excessive over 3 consecutive nights. I've seen him put away 35 units in one night! It's mad that I'm policing this even...i've never even calculated units before meeting him. This isn't right. I know I need to leave.

I can't imagine bringing more children into this either. The stress and exhaustion with that and putting up with this level of drinking and the temper and tiredness too. It makes me feel really quite devastated. I can't do it.

I could have written this word for word

His love of alcohol is a problem for sure, but so too is his anger. You should never afraid of your partner!