Partner drinking excessively

[BySpryGreenFinch]

Never done this before, but feel I need to try and get some perspective outside of my own head.

I've been with my partner for a year and he's asked me to move in with him. I should be so excited, but I'm a little hesitant. He's a lovely and charming man with a big heart and I really love so much about him. But there is another side to him that worries me...

I've noticed that he drinks quite a lot and I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not about moving forward into a potentially permanent long-term situation. He only really drinks 3 nights per week, but he seems to drink A LOT. I enjoy a drink at the weekend too, but I keep it to a limit and go to bed early. He will often stay up later than me comes to bed at 2 or 3am after drinking more on his own. I've worked out that he's having anywhere between 60 and 100 units every week. Because he doesn't drink every night and can still go to work and function normally, I'm wondering if it's me overreacting or just thinking that he's a bigger guy so can hold it. Although, I know deep down that this isn't good, and I've not experienced this level of drinking before with any partner/family member. I have tried to talk to him about cutting down and he gets quite defensive and has turned it around on me on the odd occasion (although I have a sneaking suspicion that this has been going on for a lot longer than I have known him). It came to a head when I threatened to leave, and he promised to cut down. He did for a couple of weeks, but it's back up to around 60 units again.

He has young children as well, and I worry about it when they're there. Aside from also worrying about the long-term health implications of this, he can tend to be tired, irritable and snappy over little things. I imagine it's due to the booze, even though he never really seems that drunk. I guess I've been worried to walk away in case this is 'normal' and i'm the one overreacting (as he has said in the past). I am in my early 30s and would like a partner, home and a child of my own one day, so I guess I'm terrified of leaving at this stage and I feel really lost and confused.

Aside from these issues, I do really enjoy his company when it's good. Of course, there are loads of good moments too or I wouldn't be here. I just keep wondering, are the good moments worth these worries?

I guess I just want to know, what would you do in my shoes? Stay, put up with the drinking and bad temper and hope it gets better, or leave, find my independence again and try looking for something new?

I was replying to the op.

They are all lovely, kind, sweet, darling people when it suits them to be so.

Why do all of us stay for so long with them? Because we get glimpses of how they could be all the time if they would change. get help, cut down the drinking, stop the bullying, quit being so aggressive etc etc. That's what keeps us hanging in there, falsely believing that 'the strength of our love' will show them the way, our never ending support, talks, showing them how much they have/are hurting us will get through to them.
It doesn't.
By all means have a good discussion with him when he is sober and tell him what you have told us, but please do not expect a change.
You will hope for one, you will want to believe him when he says he will change and get some help, he will tell you that he loves you and you mustn't leave him - and you may well want to hang in there to see if it does happen.

Maybe you need to feel like you have tried one more time before you are ready to leave? I can certainly identify with that. I should have left 10 years ago, but hey ho, it is what it is and I have left now.

Ending any relationship is painful and confusing and you can only do it when you are ready to do it. But do keep yourself safe, do not move in with him and please do update us after you have spoken to him.

thank you so much

You are doing the right thing by ending it. You need to forget what hes drinking as youll drive yourself mad counting units. He wont change and you dont want to live like this. So youre making these changes to live a better life for you. He can do what he likes, not your problem. Definitely tell the mum of kids about what hes doing tho. I would want to know in these circumstances for sure

Update: I spoke with him about this issue again. He told me he didn't think it was as bad as I was making it out to be and that me trying to stop him doing it is controlling behaviour. So I tried to relax and overlook it and spent the weekend with him. Another 30 units on Friday and 40 on Saturday...and if I bring it up, that's controlling behaviour because now he won't drink again until next Thursday....I really don't think having 3 or 4 days off mitigates this. The kids will be here next week so he won't be as bad, but still...the weekends they aren't here it's just out of control. And he really wants to make it work with me, but I just find this hard to tolerate.

He's an alcoholic. He doesn't want to stop.

You either accept him as an alcoholic or you leave him.

There is no magic world where he changes.

Personally I would leave, but you're the only one who can decide what's best for you.

Alcoholics always blame others while they are in denial.
Alcoholics cant get better until they accept they are responsible for themselves.

Why does it matter that he thinks you are controlling if you ask him to try and limit his drink?

Why are you with him?
Honestly his drinking is either a deal breaker or it isn't...he has turned this around on you so you are questioning yourself and tying yourself in knots rather than concentrating on what you actually want.

That’s what addicts do op
they lie
They gaslight
they turn it into a ‘you’ problem

you wouldn’t believe the utter bullshit I’ve heard from both the addicts in my life . Both literally looked me dead in the eye and claimed they hadn’t touched a drop , that I was crazy / just looking for a fight.

There is evidence to show that children can have long term medical issues when fathered by men with long term substance misuse/abuse. It used to be thought that it was only the mother's health that impacted children but now they believe that the quality of the sperm affects children equally.

So there is that to consider also.

In the nicest possible way, please find your dignity. Any self esteem that may still be in there, find it.

He wants to make it work with you because he needs a nanny so he can get smashed. Why are you accepting so little in your one life.

Leave now OP.

@BySpryGreenFinch how do you know he only drinks 3 nights a week? If he is drinking every night he’s with you, what makes you think he’s not drinking when he’s not with you? It’s pretty obvious he’s a functioning alcoholic and clearly has no desire to stop drinking. You have mentioned this more than once now and his reaction tells you everything you need to know. The tolerance isn’t because he’s a big guy it’s because his body has built up a tolerance due to the amount he drinks. Don’t waste your breath, time or energy with this. He has to WANT to do something about it and he clearly doesn’t. So why are you still with him? Especially when you have no ties like a house, marriage, kids. You are in the early stages and are free to walk away. There is absolutely no point of going round the continuous cycle of you policing his drinking, bringing it up to him, and him dismissing you. He knows exactly how much he’s drinking and he knows he has a problem. He’s just not able to admit it yet.

My advice would be to stop wasting your time.

Alcoholics are liars.

My ex DP downplayed his drinking because he was ‘only drinking when at my house’, apparently when he had his kids he was ‘sober’. It took one quick look in his recycling bin to disprove that. He was miserable all the time. You’re young enough to walk away and have a family of your own. Alcoholic DP + blended family sounds like an absolute nightmare.

What is this chap bringing to the table that has you so invested in such a short space of time? I'm not being judgemental here, but genuinely interested?

What are his good points - he is not a good father so aside from that, what do you see as his good points? Great sex life, amazing cook, encouraging you with your future dreams and aspirations, conversations about things that are important to you, same sense of humour, shared family goals, great times out together etc etc?

What were your previous relationships like and why did they end?

What do your friends and family think of him?

You have no obligation to be in a relationship for any reason. You are not trying to control his drinking, you just don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who drinks as much as he does. That is your boundary and your choice.

The fact you are scared to speak to him about it says everything. You shouldn’t be scared to speak to your partner about anything. You are worried about his reaction. He gets angry. This may lead into violence especially if he is drunk. He doesn’t shower is drunk because he is an alcoholic. I am sure he drinks other times to maintain his health as if you are drinking that much you feel ill without it. He just hides it.

It’s not up to him if you stay. Leave for your own health and maybe warn the kids mom of his excess drinking. The kids are probably not safe with him either.

PS you having boundaries of not wanting to be with someone who drinks that much is not controlling. It’s you not feeling safe with someone that inebriated all the time. He is probably almost 100% guaranteed still inebriated when he wakes up and goes to work and drives if he drives.

He is putting you and others at risk.

He is not worth it. He is gaslighting you. Get into therapy if you need it. You need to leave him for your own safety.

Why does no one mention the financial problems caused by spending so much on alcohol?

Does he drive? He will not be sober the morning after.
How many children are there?

He is drinking 70 units in a weekend, has children in his care, what on earth are you doing?
That is child abuse. He is not fit to look after them.
If he’s drinking that in front of you, he’s drinking more when alone.
If you stay with this man you have zero respect for yourself and I have absolutely zero sympathy for your plight thereafter.
You are putting yourself in harm’s way and for what?

Not sure if it’s been mentioned previously but I’d put money on his drinking and temper being why his previous relationship(s) broke down

@Sunflowers67 It's literally as you mention...'great sex, amazing cook, supportive of my work, same sense of humour...', and he has a family and wants more kids, and we have a ball together...until he overdoes it and I go to bed alone while he's sat on the couch putting away more booze. Never been in a relationship with a man that drinks like this ever before. He's very charming, so friends and family think he's wonderful...but with me, I see the drinking and the aftermath...

@sameshizz I absolutely think the same...I don't want that to happen to me too because he hasn't learnt from last time.

I really needed this from everyone. I feel gaslit. I came away from the conversation thinking I was the problem, which is obviously what he wanted so he feels enabled to continue. I don't care if it's just a weekend thing, or if it's every day. It's too much for me to live with. And I don't want to be the nanny or carer.

Ok, done. I'll take care of it.

I am so glad it's sinking in. You deserve better than life tied to an alcoholic.

Well done!

It is difficult and it will hurt but every good thing that he is to you, you can and will get with someone else who doesn't drink that much. But you wont ever find your person if you stay with this one. See it as a positive experience - you have discovered a boundary that you will not tolerate in future relationships and now you are going to be that strong, independent woman that will not except anything less than what she deserves.

And if you plan to tell him in person - do it when he is sober, don't fall for the puppy dog eyes or empty promises and say what you have to say and leave.
I think I'd just be tempted to send a brief text, wish him luck for the future and ask him not to contact you again. Then block him.

Good luck - you've got this 🌻

It is difficult I know this too OP.

But you are doing the right thing for you.

Just brace yourself for the aftermath though. In my experience he will swing it all around to you being at fault. Of course we all know that this is not the case, but the chances are high that it might happen.

Kindly, OP. It doesn’t matter how many units he drinks, I don’t understand why you count them in the first place. What matters is what is acceptable for YOU. If you are fine being in a relationship and starting a family with an alcoholic, go ahead; if you’re not fine with that, move on.
It is you who sets your own boundaries. It might be a good idea to attend an Al Anon meeting because you come across as codependent already, counting his units and monitoring his behaviour instead of just blocking the guy on everything and moving on.

You sound like a caring, considerate person. Why do you think you deserve to spend your life with someone who has a temper, is drunk most of the time and must be reeking of half-digested alcohol?

I would also think you are codependent op and someone taught you how to be so as well (one of your parents perhaps ). I also wonder why you have not blocked him.

Are you determined to learn the hard way that the love of a good woman cannot cure alcoholism?. Please do not do this to yourself. You’ve already wasted more than enough time on him and your boundaries here are really poor. I would like you to think about what attracted you to him. You feel gaslit because you are being gaslit by him, he wants to make his alcoholism a you problem.