Partner drinking excessively

[BySpryGreenFinch]

Never done this before, but feel I need to try and get some perspective outside of my own head.

I've been with my partner for a year and he's asked me to move in with him. I should be so excited, but I'm a little hesitant. He's a lovely and charming man with a big heart and I really love so much about him. But there is another side to him that worries me...

I've noticed that he drinks quite a lot and I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not about moving forward into a potentially permanent long-term situation. He only really drinks 3 nights per week, but he seems to drink A LOT. I enjoy a drink at the weekend too, but I keep it to a limit and go to bed early. He will often stay up later than me comes to bed at 2 or 3am after drinking more on his own. I've worked out that he's having anywhere between 60 and 100 units every week. Because he doesn't drink every night and can still go to work and function normally, I'm wondering if it's me overreacting or just thinking that he's a bigger guy so can hold it. Although, I know deep down that this isn't good, and I've not experienced this level of drinking before with any partner/family member. I have tried to talk to him about cutting down and he gets quite defensive and has turned it around on me on the odd occasion (although I have a sneaking suspicion that this has been going on for a lot longer than I have known him). It came to a head when I threatened to leave, and he promised to cut down. He did for a couple of weeks, but it's back up to around 60 units again.

He has young children as well, and I worry about it when they're there. Aside from also worrying about the long-term health implications of this, he can tend to be tired, irritable and snappy over little things. I imagine it's due to the booze, even though he never really seems that drunk. I guess I've been worried to walk away in case this is 'normal' and i'm the one overreacting (as he has said in the past). I am in my early 30s and would like a partner, home and a child of my own one day, so I guess I'm terrified of leaving at this stage and I feel really lost and confused.

Aside from these issues, I do really enjoy his company when it's good. Of course, there are loads of good moments too or I wouldn't be here. I just keep wondering, are the good moments worth these worries?

I guess I just want to know, what would you do in my shoes? Stay, put up with the drinking and bad temper and hope it gets better, or leave, find my independence again and try looking for something new?

7 weeks ago i ended my long term relationship due to his excessive drinking...we didnt live together as own our own homes so the real extent was hidden from me.
The weekends and holidays we spent together were dominated by alcohol...we were having lots of rows as when he was drunk he would become nasty and argumentative.
Have since found out he is drinking a bottle of rum a day.
Please dont be me...im now 51 and have wasted the last 7 years.

@BySpryGreenFinch He is an alcoholic, a functioning one. I used to work with one of these although nobody knew at the time that he was an alcoholic, he hid it so well. He ended up in prison for killing a woman because he had been drinking before driving.
Please leave him. You don't know where your path is going to take you but if you stay with him then future distress and misery is almost guaranteed. You deserve a happy life.

Don't be daft OP, it's not worth the stress and hassle of this man just to have a child and partner. You can do sooooo much better. Throw this one back for some other smuck to enable and facilitate and eventually regret. You're too smart for that!

There’s no way he isn’t drinking on the other nights

You’ve only been with him a year, this is still the honeymoon phase, he's still trying to show you his best side so in another year or two, you will be looking after his kids, whilst he drinks and rages at you all, or picks a fight with you to give himself a reason to drink. You won’t dare leave him because he will threaten to commit suicide or cry and say he will cut down, he won’t! He needs someone to take care of the him and his kids so he can be free to drink himself stupid. All celebrations will be ruined by his drinking, you will end up not going anywhere, for fear of his behaviour. As for his temper, he will rage at you, if you dare say anything about his drinking, he will show you up in front of everyone and you would be walking on eggshells incase you set him off again, you will end up a shell of the person you are now. It will be like living with Jekyll and Hyde, imagine bringing a baby up in that environment!
Run!
The nights you’re not with him, he will be drinking like a fish, alcoholics are masters of deception and hiding the amount they drink.

This.

Also, 35 units a week would be something to possibly be worried about. 35 units in one night is a massive red flag. Only a hardened drinker can do that level of drinking.

My Uncle died aged 47 from heavy drinking. You'd never have known he was an alcoholic, he masked it incredibly well and my poor aunty had no idea how much he was putting away on a daily basis.

Walk away, you will never know peace of mind again if you move in with him.

Don't walk away - run like the wind, without a backward glance!

My Dad used to drink about 100 units a week and it killed him in the end, through pancreatitis and liver cancer.

He had a responsible, executive job, God knows how really, but he could drink a bottle of whisky in an evening and then be up the next day at 6am, whistling in the shower, before he went off to his high powered job.

He was an arsehole though, through the drink and it gets very tiring and aggravating, having every family event permeated with the question "Is there a pub on the way?" when you don't drink much yourself.

Bin him off.

Wow, OP, I cannot even imagine how a person can drink 35 or anything in one night. This is more than excessive, he is in deep trouble and yes, I would walk away. I have personally experienced what alcoholics do to themselves and their families, and would never knowingly start a relationship with someone who is.

@TheDogHasFarted Oh god, I am so sorry to hear that. It sounds absolutely awful. My partner also gets up the next day as if he's fine...it must be the tolerance, but this is an example of what it does to your body over time and it must be incredibly painful for anyone who loves you to watch that happen.

@livelovelough24 I honestly think it would kill me if I did it. The scary thing is that I think he would wake up and feel like he needed a break for a while after doing that much damage to his body in an evening, but he could have another 20 or 30 the following night. But then he will cut it out for 3/4 nights and the end of the week comes and it begins again. I persoanlly feel like it's a really dangerous way of living, but he won't hear it from me.

@BySpryGreenFinch I am sure you love him and that there are parts of him that are lovely, but alcoholism is a disease and a terrible one at that. It is a difficult one to fight but you can only do it if you want it. To want it you have to be aware of it, you have to accept you have a problem, and it seems that he is not accepting it. Please take care of yourself, do not move in with him. Living with an alcoholic can be devastating.

Run OP. Don't stay with this man. He needs a lot of help and the only one who can give it to him is him.

You will see the same message over and over OP from those of us who have been unfortunate enough to have an alcoholic partner. There’s no happy ending with an alcoholic, it’s just a question of who breaks first, you when you can’t stand it any more or them when they destroy their own body. As other pp have said they are masters of deception so if he is openly showing you this level of drinking before you’ve even moved in he is a very hard case. I can say from my own experience this will bring you a world of pain if you stay with him.

How much is he drinking on those three nights to get it up to 100 units per week?! If a bottle of wine is 9 units he’d need to be drinking 3 bottles plus on his drinking evenings to hit that.
That’s an insane amount in one sitting. I am not tee total and do go over my 14 units fairly regularly but if I drank to that level I wouldn’t be able to get up for days. Really worrying and no I wouldn’t be moving in with someone with drinking habits like that.

Running shoes on - get set and go......who needs that in their life?
I wouldn't even bother with a discussion about it. You'll only hear what he wants you to hear anyway. He will promise to cut down, he may well do so for a week or two and then back to it he goes.
Why waste any more time or energy on him.

As someone has said, you think he’s only drinking three nights a week. What you see may well be the tip of the iceberg.

@BySpryGreenFinch Please listen to those of us who have experienced exactly this.

Your case is not different. You certainly cannot 'save him'; only he can save himself, and for that to happen he has to hit his 'rock bottom'.

You are not the cause of his alcoholism (he will say anything to get himself off the hook), you cannot control his alcoholism (by counting his units) and you will never be able to cure it (for him).

My exH was your partner to start with; charming, lovely, kind, said & did all the right things. He became a monster when he drank and was dead 19 years later, leaving our daughter aged 15 without a father.

Al-Anon Family Groups can help you understand how/why Alcoholism is such an insidious disease - it is for anyone who has been affected by someone else's drinking (not to be confused with AA - Alcoholics Anonymous - which is for the problem drinker)

No - I would leave him

He has young children as well, and I worry about it when they're there
Part of his reason for wanting you to move in will be looking after the children so that he can properly indulge himself, ie even more drunk and 7 nights a week. You'll also be handy for doing the domestic work- he needs to focus on indulging himself & then recovering from it.
Also paying bills if he becomes unable to work due to his drinking.

I have an ex who is currently entering the end stage, I'd say.
I dont want to go into any detail, for the sake of his dignity really. As much as I dislike & feel wronged by him I would never wish this on him.

You should end it at once. But a word of warning. You obviously have really poor boundaries in relationships or you wouldn't have stayed this long with an alcoholic.

Be aware that when you finish it, he will promise you the earth and may even cut down for a while to "prove" that he can do it and that alcohol is not the centre of his world. You need to ignore this. The only way anyone ever gets clean is by wanting to do it for themselves, not for other people.

In the very unlikely event you breaking up with him did lead him to this realisation, alcoholics in recovery should stay away from new relationships until they are much further along the road. Don't be taken in by any promises to cut down on the booze as long as you are there to support him because he can only do it with you. Harden your heart and protect yourself and your possible future children.

When you are free of him, get some therapy to unpick why it is that you even got into a relationship with an angry drunk man who scares you, let alone stayed in it and actively considered having children with him. Good luck!

A year is way too soon to move in when there are DC involved. I also think he wants a live in nanny.

You know things are not right OP, you would not have posted here otherwise.

If it's validation that you need, no do not move in with him.
You are going to regret that decision if you do.
You are also going to be raising his children when they are with him.

It seems like your clock is ticking but this is not the person you want to have a baby with.

I have to say I get a deep sense of foreboding when I read your original post OP. I just don't see a good outcome for you on this and as hard as it'll be to break up or step back - I think that disengaging yourself from this situation now will save you ridiculous heartache and grief going forward. Everything happens for a reason..... But the fact that you've started counting units, even now, is a massive warning sign imo. Listen to it. I'd at least pause and see if he's able (or willing) to change..... But imo a leopard never changes their spots..... even if they're able to short term..... They always default back over time. I just don't see a good outcome for you, sorry.