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Partner drinking excessively

129 replies

BySpryGreenFinch · 25/06/2025 19:40

Never done this before, but feel I need to try and get some perspective outside of my own head.

I've been with my partner for a year and he's asked me to move in with him. I should be so excited, but I'm a little hesitant. He's a lovely and charming man with a big heart and I really love so much about him. But there is another side to him that worries me...

I've noticed that he drinks quite a lot and I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not about moving forward into a potentially permanent long-term situation. He only really drinks 3 nights per week, but he seems to drink A LOT. I enjoy a drink at the weekend too, but I keep it to a limit and go to bed early. He will often stay up later than me comes to bed at 2 or 3am after drinking more on his own. I've worked out that he's having anywhere between 60 and 100 units every week. Because he doesn't drink every night and can still go to work and function normally, I'm wondering if it's me overreacting or just thinking that he's a bigger guy so can hold it. Although, I know deep down that this isn't good, and I've not experienced this level of drinking before with any partner/family member. I have tried to talk to him about cutting down and he gets quite defensive and has turned it around on me on the odd occasion (although I have a sneaking suspicion that this has been going on for a lot longer than I have known him). It came to a head when I threatened to leave, and he promised to cut down. He did for a couple of weeks, but it's back up to around 60 units again.

He has young children as well, and I worry about it when they're there. Aside from also worrying about the long-term health implications of this, he can tend to be tired, irritable and snappy over little things. I imagine it's due to the booze, even though he never really seems that drunk. I guess I've been worried to walk away in case this is 'normal' and i'm the one overreacting (as he has said in the past). I am in my early 30s and would like a partner, home and a child of my own one day, so I guess I'm terrified of leaving at this stage and I feel really lost and confused.

Aside from these issues, I do really enjoy his company when it's good. Of course, there are loads of good moments too or I wouldn't be here. I just keep wondering, are the good moments worth these worries?

I guess I just want to know, what would you do in my shoes? Stay, put up with the drinking and bad temper and hope it gets better, or leave, find my independence again and try looking for something new?

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 30/06/2025 10:21

BySpryGreenFinch · 30/06/2025 10:12

Sorry to post again - just feel like I need some support today. So Thursday/Friday/Saturday, he's had about 80 units. Coming to bed early hours of the morning, but then the next day he's fine. He just seems really bloated (he binge eats when he drinks too), hot and bothered, uncomfortable, tired...surely it's related to the alcohol (event though I know it's hot weather right now) - this cannot be good for his body.

But now he'll not drink for 3-4 nights and think he's healthy. I'm worried sick about his health and the impact of this weekly, long-term. It's such a shame, because he's been such a dream this weekend, and we've had a wonderful time together and clearly love each other. But if I move in, and have to live with this (the drinking, the late nights, helping with the kids etc...) I think I will grow to dislike it quite quickly, in despite of the good moments. Especially if his short temper comes back (which is usually when he's tired and irritable, particularly if the kids are acting up).

I've decided to talk to him tonight and tell him I can't live with this level of drinking and the late nights. I've told him before, and it's clearly not made any difference whatsoever and I need to be firm with this boundary. He's going to hate it, get defensive, raise his voice, blame me...It's going to be so hard, because I do truly love him. But I just know in my heart that this cannot be good for a long-term relationship. Even if he could get down to 20-30 units, I'd be happier, but the worry is that it'll creep back up again - it's just an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and his best friends drink like this too so he thinks it's fine. He will tell me I'm overreacting, but surely I'm not, surely this isn't "normal" every single week?!? I just need to be strong for when it inevitably ends and he directs all his anger at me. I need to know not to regret this.

Why would you want to be around someone who consumes 30 units? The thought of being around a man stuffed with 10 drinks a night is horrendous.
Your idea of a ‘dream’ man is my idea of hell.
Love doesn’t come into it OP.
He is an alcoholic and he will move you in and then use you to look after his kids. His poor kids getting roared at for ‘playing up’ I feel for them.
I am not sure how old he is but he’s a ticking time bomb.
He is an alcoholic and the only way he will improve is if he stops drinking.
It doesn’t matter if he had days off, drinking to that level means he can’t stop.
Watched a close friend of mine lose her husband at 42, similar levels of drinking/eating. What happened to him in the end was hideous, I don’t want to upset you so I will leave the details out. The children were traumatised and it has now given them horrific life issues.
The alcohol will come first over his children and you every single time.

DipsyDee · 30/06/2025 10:33

BySpryGreenFinch · 28/06/2025 10:39

I've spent the last two nights with him and he's putting away 20-35 units each night having had 3 nights off. Tonight he will easily drink the same amount again. He seems fine the next day, no hangover, just tired. He will most likely fall asleep on the sofa this aft/eve...His temper is much better, and he's being very loving and kind. That's what makes it so unbelievably hard to walk away. When it's good, it's great. But I can't watch someone do this to their body. I'm terrified he will have a heart attack - I know I would drinking that much...I know I can't be live with this, but it confuses me when he's so loving and sweet. I wish he could cut down!

If he didn’t cut down for his ex and their children he will NOT cut down for you.

BarilynBordeaux · 30/06/2025 10:33

Going to ask this with total sincerity and I hope gentleness:

what is going on with you internally that you haven’t already dumped this guy?

He’s an alcoholic, you’re not married, he’s got a temper. Literally what is stopping you from going ‘hmm no actually I would like more than this for myself?’ Because that’s your actual problem, not his units per week - that is his problem for him to solve.

Bittenonce · 30/06/2025 10:38

I’m sorry to say this because you clearly have such strong feelings for this guy, but he isn’t going to change. If you make it ‘choose me or the drink’ he will choose both. Nobody gave up the drink while earnestly believing they didn’t have a problem. And if he can’t drink in moderation - he has a problem. But in his head, he doesn’t have a problem because his definition of a drink problem is necessarily different to what he does, how he is.
I’m afraid you’ve still got some tough days ahead of you, speaking as someone who’s been there and got a couple of T shirts.

Parky04 · 30/06/2025 10:40

What is he actually drinking? I'm finding it very hard to belive he is drinking that many units! Drinking 15 pints of beer in a night is virtually impossible! 3 bottles of wine is more probable but surely he would be paralytic?

GoldDuster · 30/06/2025 10:44

You either want to be with someone who has a problem with alcohol and binge drinks, or you do not.

You get to choose. Yes you love him, yes he can be a "dream" but he is also an angry alcoholic, who you're scared of. He's someone you should not be entertaining the idea of moving in with, let alone sharing children with. You've made it clear before that you don't like his drinking. That's not setting a boundary. You setting a boundary is you stating what you will or will not do, not asking someone else to change.

Every day with him is a day wasted if you're looking for a happy fulfilling healthy relationship which might be a good basis to bring children into. They're your days, weeks, months, years and you get to choose to spend them how you like but I can guarantee you could spend a lifetime with this chump and look back and regret not choosing a different path for yourself.

gardenershelp · 30/06/2025 10:47

You’ve been together for just a year. Seriously, now is the time to leave, it will be hard, but it will be so much easier now than in 5/10 years when you’ve got joint finances, a child/children etc. If he drinks this much, and gets defensive about you mentioning it, then it is absolutely a problem for him. Add to that that you’ve mentioned his temper and this is definitely a situation that is going to cause you problems for as long as you’re together. Do you really want to find yourself in 5 years with small children, a partner who drinks excessively and gets angry (and gets angry in front of your small children)? You are still in the honeymoon period right now. Life is stressful and someone who uses alcohol as a crutch will always struggle to resist it during times of stress. Small children and family life is stressful. Seriously, don’t do this to yourself or your future children, you absolutely will regret it and kick yourself for the rest of your life for not walking away now.

I’m sure there are lovely parts of him and I understand loving someone and wanting to give them the chance to change for the better. But you’re just going to put yourself in a position where it’s harder to leave a few years down the line when he had failed to change. Wish you the best op.

BySpryGreenFinch · 30/06/2025 10:51

@Parky04 beer, wine, spirits..it's the amount of spirits that is racking it up. He can drink it like a fish. And he likes cocktails too so a mix of all sorts.

OP posts:
BySpryGreenFinch · 30/06/2025 10:52

He's a big guy so never even seems drunk...he has very high tolerance

OP posts:
BySpryGreenFinch · 30/06/2025 10:55

Thanks so much everyone. It's tough to hear, but it's what I need. And the questions are making me ask them to myself and no I don't want to end up in 5-10 years with a small child and a partner who's still drinking like this or made himself ill. Going to talk to him and get this done. Sorry for being so obviously weak! It's just very hard to do. But I will do it.

OP posts:
Thatsalineallright · 30/06/2025 10:56

Why are you still with him? I'm honestly curious. You have no binding ties to him - how did this relationship get past the first couple of dates? There's simply no point dating an alcoholic - they're a ticking time bomb and will always choose alcohol over you.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 30/06/2025 10:58

He is already ill OP.

Outofthemoonlight · 30/06/2025 11:00

RUN

Don't walk, RUN.

Seriously……. Because this cannot possibly end well if you stay.

ByGreenHiker · 30/06/2025 11:03

I wonder why his wife left him.

🍺 🍻 🍷 🥂 🍸 🍹

Bingo

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2025 11:06

What are you going to talk to him about?. His drinking?. If so that will be a complete waste of time. You need to end this before he really does drag you down with him. Nothing short of ending this codependent relationship will end your pain re him Op

I would also suggest you seek therapy for yourself going forward to establish exactly what attracted you to him and why your boundaries are so very poor. Reading Codrpendent no more by Melodie Beattie and Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood could help you no end.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2025 11:07

And indeed he is already ill. Alcohol affects all bodily organs and I would assume his short term memory is not as good as it was previously.

GreenGully · 30/06/2025 11:14

100 units is equivalent to 10 bottles of wine a week. That is alcoholism. He may be a functioning alcoholic but that soon slips into not functioning.

GoldDuster · 30/06/2025 11:26

BySpryGreenFinch · 30/06/2025 10:55

Thanks so much everyone. It's tough to hear, but it's what I need. And the questions are making me ask them to myself and no I don't want to end up in 5-10 years with a small child and a partner who's still drinking like this or made himself ill. Going to talk to him and get this done. Sorry for being so obviously weak! It's just very hard to do. But I will do it.

or worse, drinking every night. Get it done. Move on. You deserve better.

theansweris42 · 30/06/2025 11:32

Please please end it.

The longer you live in the "it'd be better if it was only 30 units" delusion the harder and harder it is to see clearly.

If he cuts way back or goes sober that has to be his choice, at his time.
You cannot support him to drink less.

You must not waste a decade hoping he recovers. The time just slips by.

I speak from bitter bitter experience.

His drinking and being in active addiction is nothing to do with you - including that you can't affect it in any positive way.

His problem with alcohol doesn't make him a bad person, but he's not available for a relationship while in addiction.

The 4 days off means nothing. The medics tell us try and have 2 or 3 days off a week but that's to mitigate the definite damage. And the effect for him is null given the weekend binges.

It doesn't make you a bad person to end it. You're not leaving him because you don't care for him but because you care for YOU.

For your future, for the children you may have, for the travelling and career you may want. For the relationship you deserve. For your very own self.

I got mine to move out and I'm still seeing him once a week because of guilt, fear, his loneliness. With alcohol it all becomes so messy. Please please put yourself first.

beforetherain20 · 30/06/2025 11:49

walk away
i dumped a boyfriend because of similar. I saw him a while ago and he’s still in the pub all the time, bloated and red faced now and looks awful

DonnyBurrito · 30/06/2025 13:39

You've had a lot of replies and you sound like you've made your mind up, to an extent. I think you are right to not move in, as that in itself will affirm to his subconscious that it's not a problem. Whether you end the relationship entirely might depend on whether he can acknowledge he has a problem, accept it, AND make a change. My partner was a weed addict, and he no longer is... But it took a lot of my support, a lot of pushing for it, and putting things in place which made it possible for him to stop. Addicts don't tend to do well with less support. It did take years, though.

I also have experience with AUD (Alcohol Use Disorder). My late father died in a very undignified, scary and upsetting way from liver cirrhosis after starting out as a functional alcoholic. He chose alcohol over my mum, me and my brother, and that has scarred me more so than watching him die from it. I've also got a mild to moderate AUD which got it's claws in when my dad started to get very poorly, although I've always loved the affects of alcohol due to an anxiety disorder which I've had since childhood. Thanks, dad 👍🏻

However, despite knowing first hand the impact of drinking, until I did the AUDIT-C (Alcohol Use Disorder Identification Test - Consumption) on ChatGPT, I had conflicting thoughts about the severity of my drinking, and the treatment I needed.
My own therapist told me that it didn't seem too bad due to the fact that I was functioning, it's only 3 nights a week, I only drink in the evenings, and I can go days in between. She was trying her best not to shame me, but that advice was completely wrong for me, given that alcoholism has a hereditary component. I decided to stop seeing her, because 'just being kind to myself' is what made me drink in the first place.

I got on ChatGPT and wrote down the facts (which was hard to pin down accurately at first, even to an AI robot!) about how much I drank, what I drank, how long I'd been drinking and why it started.

Having it put in a factual and non-shaming way helped me see things clearly. I didn't need to go to rehab, have a community nurse, or take naltrexone and acamprosate. I needed to go back on my SSRIs and go cold turkey, and get a new therapist.

There are different reasons people drink and having an understanding of why your partner drinks, when it started and his family history is crucial if you end up sticking around.

When you bring the discussion up to your partner later, and he begins to minimise his drinking or tell you that it's just your opinion that he is drinking too much, get onto ChatGPT and say "okay then... Let's put all these facts into a non bias computer and see what it says". If goes along with it, I'm sure he will chose answers that minimise things or straight up lie... but you have been keeping an eye on his units, so you could actually do the test for him based on the facts in advance to equip yourself. If nothing else, his reaction to you shining a spotlight on the facts will show you how tight his relationship with alcohol is.

You don't have to help him with it, but don't let him gaslight you and try to convince you you're wrong. My dad claimed he never had a problem, even when he was having seizures in the hospital from withdrawal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2025 14:15

Problem is you cannot help him with his alcoholism because he does not want your help or support.

All you should tell this man later on it’s that it’s over. You do not have to use chat gbt or whatnot to tell him.

With all respect OP you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him, not that he wants your help anyway.

Ohmygodthepain · 30/06/2025 14:26

Oh love.

He's drunk SIX TIMES the recommended weekly maximum in just 3 days this weekend.

Don't be me. I ended up asking my ex to cut back his drinking when I was 9 months pregnant so that he would be sober enough to drive me to hospital in labour. He didn't...

I left after 2 kids when the youngest was just 3. They've barely got a relationship with him - he CANNOT be a good father drinking this much. He's already not being a good partner.

You need to leave. You need to tell his kids' mother exactly how much he's drinking when they're staying.

Do NOT tie yourself to this man, and do not lumber a kid with him as a dad.

Crushed23 · 30/06/2025 14:27

Do not get involved with a man who has young children. The heavy drinking is a secondary red flag. For Christ’s sake, you’re only in your early 30s, the dating pool is plenty deep to find a decent partner at a similar life stage to you who isn’t an alcoholic. Raise your bar and have some self-respect - how can you even think of settling for this?

DonnyBurrito · 30/06/2025 14:43

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2025 14:15

Problem is you cannot help him with his alcoholism because he does not want your help or support.

All you should tell this man later on it’s that it’s over. You do not have to use chat gbt or whatnot to tell him.

With all respect OP you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him, not that he wants your help anyway.

Don't drag my post into yours when you have completely misunderstood it. Thanks.