Partner drinking excessively

[BySpryGreenFinch]

Never done this before, but feel I need to try and get some perspective outside of my own head.

I've been with my partner for a year and he's asked me to move in with him. I should be so excited, but I'm a little hesitant. He's a lovely and charming man with a big heart and I really love so much about him. But there is another side to him that worries me...

I've noticed that he drinks quite a lot and I'm not sure if I should be concerned or not about moving forward into a potentially permanent long-term situation. He only really drinks 3 nights per week, but he seems to drink A LOT. I enjoy a drink at the weekend too, but I keep it to a limit and go to bed early. He will often stay up later than me comes to bed at 2 or 3am after drinking more on his own. I've worked out that he's having anywhere between 60 and 100 units every week. Because he doesn't drink every night and can still go to work and function normally, I'm wondering if it's me overreacting or just thinking that he's a bigger guy so can hold it. Although, I know deep down that this isn't good, and I've not experienced this level of drinking before with any partner/family member. I have tried to talk to him about cutting down and he gets quite defensive and has turned it around on me on the odd occasion (although I have a sneaking suspicion that this has been going on for a lot longer than I have known him). It came to a head when I threatened to leave, and he promised to cut down. He did for a couple of weeks, but it's back up to around 60 units again.

He has young children as well, and I worry about it when they're there. Aside from also worrying about the long-term health implications of this, he can tend to be tired, irritable and snappy over little things. I imagine it's due to the booze, even though he never really seems that drunk. I guess I've been worried to walk away in case this is 'normal' and i'm the one overreacting (as he has said in the past). I am in my early 30s and would like a partner, home and a child of my own one day, so I guess I'm terrified of leaving at this stage and I feel really lost and confused.

Aside from these issues, I do really enjoy his company when it's good. Of course, there are loads of good moments too or I wouldn't be here. I just keep wondering, are the good moments worth these worries?

I guess I just want to know, what would you do in my shoes? Stay, put up with the drinking and bad temper and hope it gets better, or leave, find my independence again and try looking for something new?

Whatever you do, do not have children with this man.

Don't have children with him. Walk away, before it gets worse. Because it will.

You’re young, he’s not the one.

Please don't think that just because he can go a day or two without drinking he's not dependent on alcohol. If he drinks to excess regularly (and it doesn't need to be every day) and he can't stop once he starts, then it's likely that he's dependant on it to function. Besides which, you are afraid to raise issues with him because he will get 'angry'. Even taking the amount he drinks out of the equation, he does not sound like a decent guy - a decent man wouldn't get angry if someone told him what he doesn't want to hear.

I've spent the last two nights with him and he's putting away 20-35 units each night having had 3 nights off. Tonight he will easily drink the same amount again. He seems fine the next day, no hangover, just tired. He will most likely fall asleep on the sofa this aft/eve...His temper is much better, and he's being very loving and kind. That's what makes it so unbelievably hard to walk away. When it's good, it's great. But I can't watch someone do this to their body. I'm terrified he will have a heart attack - I know I would drinking that much...I know I can't be live with this, but it confuses me when he's so loving and sweet. I wish he could cut down!

It’s clear he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. This isn’t good for him, for you or those around you. What if he drives the next day, still over the limit, and has an accident?

Hard as it is for you, it’s not your job to police him. You can wish all you like he wouldn’t drink, but as others have said, only he can make the change. And he has to want to, which currently it seems he doesn’t.

You wish he could cut down
He wishes you would not notice, or just be quiet about it.

May I ask how old you are?.

He re his temper is basically showing you now the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

It’s also not a question of he being able to cut down. As an alcoholic he should not drink alcohol ever again. He is likely also badly underestimating how much he is consuming.
He is certainly in denial.

He is always on a comedown from alcohol and the loving sweet man is now a fleeting glimpse, that initial man has well and truly gone now. His primary relationship is with drink, not you.

Were his children also present these last two nights?.

You’re still there policing his drinking and this is a habit you need to stop today. you’re also enabling him and or otherwise propping him up. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control.

The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

You can only help your own self ultimately so save yourself from any more misery and end this relationship.

Stop wasting both your time and life on him because he is not worth bothering about. The love of a good woman will not succeed here and in addition a person cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour. Neither approach works.

Are you determined to learn the hard way here?.

20-35 units a night!!!!! You will end up being his carer.
You can't make him cut down.

I would also suggest you read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

Your weak boundaries to begin with are being further eroded by this man now.

What attracted you to him in the first place. Did you also see a heavily drinking parent in your childhood?

OP, he’s an alcoholic. You already know what you know he’s drinking. There will also be more if it, when you don’t know.
That level of alcohol consumption will lead to a host of very serious problems over time, and it will then kill him. It’s not a nice death, if you’ve ever witnessed it.
His young children are a concern but they are not your concern.
You are still so young and also wise enough to predict what WILL become your future. You looking after a baby, his children while he lies in bed with a hangover.
I know you say you are not good with confrontation but you need to act. Ask any poster on here what it’s like being married to an alcoholic - it’s hell. He was one before he met you, and he will stay one.
I am not sure how old he is, but he will lose everything in the end. A good friend of mine, male, who functioned and worked and drank like this was recently arrested outside of our local supermarket. He’s now homeless. And he had a great, brilliant career. He’s just turned 50, and had been told he will be dead within a year.
You don’t know who he really is yet. Live with him and you will have to cope with the piss-stained sheets, vomit, it is endless.
I am trying to shock because please understand 5 units in one night is more than enough, 35 is deadly.
Alcoholics are liars. He can’t stop drinking for you and cutting down doesn’t work.
You are a solution to him. They are very selfish people.
I would hate to see you back here at 40, trapped in a home with this man, absolutely at the end of your tether.

20-35 units a night?
Did I read that correctly?
That's between 10-17 pints or glasses of wine per night.

How on earth does he still function.

I am sorry, I didn't read the whole thread (I will do) but is he saying it isn't a problem?

My ex was never a big drinker until he/we had a problem with something. Then, alcohol sorted it out for him rather than discussion, sharing, working things through as a couple.
I was genuinely concerned at the amount he was drinking, shouting and swearing at me, scaring me, and then not remembering anything the next morning (apparently, but I have my doubts). I was a nag, I was over-sensitive, I was this, that and the other - anything but the problem being him.
Such a shame when they appear to be decent people sober and cannot see that alcohol is not their friend.

Thinking of you and sending you positive vibes 🌻

I'm afraid it's a no from me!

My DH drinks more than I'd like him to, but I've never seen him bad-tempered either drunk or sober. Be careful who you share your life with, especially someone moody.

You can’t not save this man OP. You have already started to police his drinking. Walk away now before you move in with him and have children. It’s only going to get worse for you.

Walk away I bought a house with my ex I loved him so much but the drinking killed it for me and made me so unhappy and then the arguments started! I found out he died age only 50 u will ruin ur life and if u have kids you will be left doing all the domestic stuff will be hell. I moved into a flat had peace for years with my friend they won’t change. I’m older and wiser now and enjoy wine but I would never ever go with a man that drinks heavily after my experience. Don’t waste your young life u have years to enjoy listen to the advice of those on here that have lived with guys like your boyfriend

Hes already in a relationship - with alcohol, not you. He's already tried to cut down and failed because the alcohol is more important to him to medicate his depression about how his life is turning out. I also think he's picked a lovely young girl like you because your youth and eagerness to "fix" him and make him happy is endearing to him. You know you can't fix him - right? You can also raise his DC for him so he has more time to drink.

Sorry for the cynicism but I have a good friend who has wasted 15 years with a drunk and raised his DC (all now left to get away from him). He died of alcoholic pancreatitis and now she has to start over again with no chance of becoming a mum to her own DC as it's too late.

Would it help if you thought of alcohol as the "other woman" in your relationship?

He prioritises "her", he spends more time with "her" than he does with you. He gets snappy if you mention "her" or try to discuss "her". "She" is the problematic third person in your relationship.

If you wouldn't stay in the relationship if he had another woman, why would you stay when it's alcohol taking his time and focus from you?

@BySpryGreenFinch my late husband was an alcoholic. He wasn't when I married him, but life events hit and he 'coped' by using alcohol. I stayed with him for far too long - we had children together, I was suffering under the 'sunk costs' fallacy and I was definitely enabling him. By the time I took action, there was considerable damage done and by then he was no longer functioning - he was drinking 70 to 100 units that I knew of, but I found out later that he also drank every day at work, so you can probably double that.

The last 5 years of my relationship with him were hell.

You see him clearly now. So don't let this go any further. Walk away, find someone you have a real future with.

'how did I get here? I was once young and happy and bright and you've stolen it from me with your ignorance and arrogance'.

This was me with my exH. Don’t be that person. I’m now married to a wonderful man who rarely drinks and I can’t imagine why I put up with that for all that time. Get out now. x

Just divorcing a guy like this. He started off a couple of days a week (heavy drinking), now its 7 days a week. He drinks around 60-70 units a week. Holds down a 9-5 job. Is horrible when drinking, shouty, slamming doors, useless at any parenting/housework. All left to me. Does fuck all with his kids yet always has money for alcohol and weekends away with mates. Yet im the bad person for saying no more. Personally me and kids are looking forward to the day he leaves!

get out now whilst you can.

35 units in one night is huge. 100 units in a week is also huge. Someone recently told me that the difference between an alcoholic and someone just drinking too much is that someone who drinks too much can choose to stop but an alcoholic can’t. If he is alcoholic that is an illness and he needs to see a medical professional about it and you need to consider if you want to stick around for that. There is an alcohol support group on here that might help with the harsh realities of a relationship with an alcoholic. Good luck OP x

Put your foot down and tell him you have no intention of living with him. If he's after a free live in nanny he'll go and look for one.

35 units in one night - that would be 15/16 cans of beer at 2.2 units each. Thats a lot. Thats a problem

Sorry to post again - just feel like I need some support today. So Thursday/Friday/Saturday, he's had about 80 units. Coming to bed early hours of the morning, but then the next day he's fine. He just seems really bloated (he binge eats when he drinks too), hot and bothered, uncomfortable, tired...surely it's related to the alcohol (event though I know it's hot weather right now) - this cannot be good for his body.

But now he'll not drink for 3-4 nights and think he's healthy. I'm worried sick about his health and the impact of this weekly, long-term. It's such a shame, because he's been such a dream this weekend, and we've had a wonderful time together and clearly love each other. But if I move in, and have to live with this (the drinking, the late nights, helping with the kids etc...) I think I will grow to dislike it quite quickly, in despite of the good moments. Especially if his short temper comes back (which is usually when he's tired and irritable, particularly if the kids are acting up).

I've decided to talk to him tonight and tell him I can't live with this level of drinking and the late nights. I've told him before, and it's clearly not made any difference whatsoever and I need to be firm with this boundary. He's going to hate it, get defensive, raise his voice, blame me...It's going to be so hard, because I do truly love him. But I just know in my heart that this cannot be good for a long-term relationship. Even if he could get down to 20-30 units, I'd be happier, but the worry is that it'll creep back up again - it's just an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and his best friends drink like this too so he thinks it's fine. He will tell me I'm overreacting, but surely I'm not, surely this isn't "normal" every single week?!? I just need to be strong for when it inevitably ends and he directs all his anger at me. I need to know not to regret this.