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Original poster

Does he need to know about my sexual history?

254 replies

Muffinmoo · 25/06/2025 11:59

I have been in a relationship for a year with the most wonderful man - but I haven’t been entirely honest with him about my sexual history. I’ve not outright lied, but just not proffered the information.,

Long story short, I suffered CSA by my maternal grandfather. That screwed up my ongoing relationship with sex, in fact my first sexual experience when I was 18 I was so drunk I don’t even remember it. The same guy has actually been accused of rape / assault on more than one occasion since. I didn’t (and tbh don’t) even think of it like that but I do remember not talking to him the next day and being in shock.

Then when I was very early 20s I started ‘sugar dating’ as a way to earn extra money whilst studying for my first degree. It was one shade away from outright prostitution. He was over twice my age and the third person I’d ever had sex with. But I chose it. After a while, actual escorting seemed basically the same and so I did that for most of my 20s too, before ending up in an abusive relationship with an ex client.

I have done well turning my life around and succeeding despite this. I have two degrees, a masters, and a very high profile and well paid career in a very competitive field. I had to do a lot of work and healing to confront all of it and then obviously the connection between my childhood and my choices since. I had essentially been recreating that abuse and hoping someone would rescue me. I guess that was me in the end!

My partner knows nothing of any of this. I am scared he will reject me even though he has given me no indication he would, but I know people would look down on someone with my history and men can be so weird about it, despite the fact it’s men who create the demand, and the shame should be on them, it just isn’t.

I don’t want to keep things back from him but equally it would help explain some other current issues in my life, such as my slightly strained relationship with my parents who knew about the above but actually encouraged it and in a lot of ways benefitted financially from what I did. When I made a very difficult decision to give it all up we didn’t speak for nearly a year.

Does he need to know? I just don’t want him to see me differently. He looks at me like I am the best thing he’s ever seen in his life and I’m just so worried that will change 😞

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Muffinmoo · 27/06/2025 11:46

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/06/2025 11:40

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has been mentioned already. @Muffinmoo have you ever had any general conversations regarding prostitution? Do you know what he thinks about it? If not that would probably be the first step in your decision making process.

Are you NC with your family?

Yes I agree it would be a good way to sound him out - he is dead against men paying for it. Thinks it’s abhorrent. There hasn’t been much discussion re: the other side though…

OP posts:
Original poster
Muffinmoo · 27/06/2025 11:55

@Eyesopenwideawake oh and not NC with family, though we didn’t speak for about a year after I decided to give it all up entirely. I was basically excommunicated because I voiced how hurt I had been by their treatment of me and the weird attitude towards the whole thing.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 27/06/2025 12:22

Muffinmoo · 27/06/2025 11:55

@Eyesopenwideawake oh and not NC with family, though we didn’t speak for about a year after I decided to give it all up entirely. I was basically excommunicated because I voiced how hurt I had been by their treatment of me and the weird attitude towards the whole thing.

What risk is there that they will let something slip, either by mistake or maliciously?

Original poster
Muffinmoo · 27/06/2025 12:32

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/06/2025 12:22

What risk is there that they will let something slip, either by mistake or maliciously?

Show quote history

Very unlikely, they live abroad so don’t see them often and it’s not usually something that comes up in conversation! I highly doubt they would bring it up maliciously.

OP posts:
Greenfields20 · 27/06/2025 13:17

Muffinmoo · 27/06/2025 11:44

I said I didn’t go around accusing everyone of being incels which I did not.
I wouldn’t call it attacking with an insult so much as drawing a rational conclusion based on the evidence and your reasoning / the weird issue you seem to have with me which seems based purely on the fact I received money in payment for sex. A point which you have backed up with zero justification for whatsoever.
You clearly don’t have an issue with the act of paying for it or the exchange of money itself given you haven’t expressed anywhere near the same dislike or criticism of punters / clients, and have in fact defended them and disputed my observation, backed by actual experience, that men who think they are entitled to women’s bodies are misogynistic (they inherently are) and you clearly have no issue with casual sex given you asked why I couldn’t have just slept around for free.

So what is it? It can only be the fact I commoditised something you think should be freely given. That tends to be the attitude of men who as I previously stated, are angry at that fact and feel entitled to sex and would resent ever having to pay for it.

I have no issue with diverse opinions but I do have an issue with illogical and unreasoned arguments, particularly when combined with an unjustified personal attack against me and the needless derailing of my thread.

Show quote history

Explain how it is rational to think a woman who doesnt agree with some of the things you've said is an incel man? I dont feel the need to go into every detail as I've said what I needed to and you wont acknowledge it anyway. You can stop replying.

Original poster
Muffinmoo · 27/06/2025 13:18

Greenfields20 · 27/06/2025 13:17

Explain how it is rational to think a woman who doesnt agree with some of the things you've said is an incel man? I dont feel the need to go into every detail as I've said what I needed to and you wont acknowledge it anyway. You can stop replying.

Show quote history

I’ve literally very clearly explained my rationale behind it. And therefore acknowledged what you have said. You haven’t come up with another logical reason for your views / judgement of me. You no longer need to post on this thread 🙂

OP posts:
Meandmyguy · 27/06/2025 13:21

I was sexually abused by my brother from a young age until I was 14.

In my early 20's I was an escort.

No one knows this.

Once I knew I didn't have any std's I was happy with that and as far as I was concerned no one needed to know.

Original poster
Muffinmoo · 27/06/2025 13:25

Meandmyguy · 27/06/2025 13:21

I was sexually abused by my brother from a young age until I was 14.

In my early 20's I was an escort.

No one knows this.

Once I knew I didn't have any std's I was happy with that and as far as I was concerned no one needed to know.

I’m very sorry that happened to you 🙁 as I mentioned there is such a clear link and it’s not unusual.
I think part of the monetary exchange in particular is to attempt to have some kind of agency over your body and try and subvert the power dynamic. It is a fallacy of course, but goes some way to explaining the psychology behind it.

OP posts:
user1494375188 · 27/06/2025 15:28

Keep it simple. No. Not all men can handle all of that so if u r both happy how u r don't say a word

Eyesopenwideawake · 28/06/2025 13:08

I've been thinking about this one. Your sexual history is your own but holding back on what was a large part of your life (as opposed to your - ugh - 'body count') is going to become such a massive elephant in the room that I think you need to find a way of telling him. Otherwise you are deceiving by omission a decade of your life and that's no basis for a relationship built on trust and respect.

Original poster
Muffinmoo · 28/06/2025 13:37

@Eyesopenwideawake yeah I take your point and feeling this way was why I started the thread really, but I just wonder if it’s wise. To be clear, it wasn’t ten years of escorting, more like 4 years. Stopped nearly ten years ago.
My parents told me (despite not being remotely pleased for me, but rather almost annoyed when I gave up) that they had just wanted a ‘normal’ child and of course they didn’t want me to do it when other parents had ‘normal’ children.
My dad actually helped me with my website so I thought that was a bit unfair. There was zero protective instinct there from him. I guess I am afraid my boyfriend will wish he had a ‘normal’ girlfriend and not one with a fucked up sexual past. So it feels like a big risk telling him in some ways despite there being no logical indication he would react in that way.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 28/06/2025 17:26

I think you need to ask yourself what would be the fallout if he found out in 5/10/20 years? Would the lie you'd have been living be worse than the original issue?

Flip it for a moment - what if he confessed to a period of, say, drug running or fraud or male prostitution or something else you couldn't have reasonably expected him to do but he did it in extremis. How would you respond now? How would you feel if you found out in 5/10/20 years?

Original poster
Muffinmoo · 28/06/2025 17:39

Eyesopenwideawake · 28/06/2025 17:26

I think you need to ask yourself what would be the fallout if he found out in 5/10/20 years? Would the lie you'd have been living be worse than the original issue?

Flip it for a moment - what if he confessed to a period of, say, drug running or fraud or male prostitution or something else you couldn't have reasonably expected him to do but he did it in extremis. How would you respond now? How would you feel if you found out in 5/10/20 years?

I don’t understand why people keep likening this to something criminal. If he had committed fraud or ‘drug running’ obviously it would be an issue. Likewise with male prostitution - no market for it so likelihood is that would mean he’d probably slept with men. Also clearly an issue. Likewise I don’t think men being paid to sleep with women is really the same thing for reasons I already mentioned.

the only remotely similar thing I can compare it to would be more like self harm and that wouldn't change my opinion of him, particularly not after childhood trauma.

OP posts:
Happyhettie · 28/06/2025 17:56

I still don’t understand why people think he needs to know. Why? What good will it do? Does everyone else tell their other halves everything about themselves?! This sharing everything mentality can do more harm than good.

You have been through SO much and it’s in the past. He’s with you now and you are you now. You have not been in control of many of the things that have happened to you - you are such a strong person and now you have control over who you tell / what you say about the awful things that have happened. I don’t understand why people think you shouldn’t have that control - it’s your life and your past information. It’s only going to cause more hurt and you don’t deserve that.

Edited due to a lower case i !

Eyesopenwideawake · 28/06/2025 23:38

Muffinmoo · 28/06/2025 17:39

I don’t understand why people keep likening this to something criminal. If he had committed fraud or ‘drug running’ obviously it would be an issue. Likewise with male prostitution - no market for it so likelihood is that would mean he’d probably slept with men. Also clearly an issue. Likewise I don’t think men being paid to sleep with women is really the same thing for reasons I already mentioned.

the only remotely similar thing I can compare it to would be more like self harm and that wouldn't change my opinion of him, particularly not after childhood trauma.

Show quote history

By that token why didn't you mention it before? You can't have it both ways - if you did nothing that you believed to be injurious then no problem in telling him. If you believe he would react badly then you need to ask yourself why you think that might be. And if he's very 'morally upstanding' then the association with criminality is a possible answer.

NameChangedOfc · 28/06/2025 23:54

Echomama · 25/06/2025 12:06

He looks at you like your the best thing in his life.
But the past has shaped you to be you. You're a package deal. Knowing or not knowing about the past doesn't change the current you. It does however help him perhaps understand some dynamics in your life as you have said.
Personally if you're thinking you need to tell him, then you probably should.
And if that changes the dynamics between the both of you then perhaps its meant to be that way.

If I was in his shoes I'd rather know now that be blind sided 10 years down the line, or when you have children and the boundaries you might place with those come in to question.

Yes, this.

SingleAHF · 29/06/2025 01:20

Do not tell him.

Original poster
Muffinmoo · 29/06/2025 05:45

Eyesopenwideawake · 28/06/2025 23:38

By that token why didn't you mention it before? You can't have it both ways - if you did nothing that you believed to be injurious then no problem in telling him. If you believe he would react badly then you need to ask yourself why you think that might be. And if he's very 'morally upstanding' then the association with criminality is a possible answer.

Show quote history

I haven’t told him because I think it’s ’morally injurious’ - more because I know some men have a weird and unjustified reaction to it and it is deeply personal and also requires me to tell him other elements of my past that are hard to share, like CSA.
I can anticipate a negative reaction without agreeing with the reason why!

OP posts:
ThisChirpyFox · 29/06/2025 08:28

OP I fully understand the trauma you've been through and the escorting is understandable after what happened. I've also supported you on this thread and posted about the pp who was clearly trying to derail this thread.

However, in my opinion, I think your partner does need to know at some point. Because if he found out in a few years time, he'd know that you'd kept something so big from him. He might be understanding and great - it means he is a good guy. But if he's not and he's willing to walk away, then not only is he not the person for you but it's also his right to feel that way. That is only my opinion though and you did start the thread to gather people's opinions.

I'm not getting into the debate into male/female escorts as that's not what has created my view. But if my partner kept this from me and I found out, Id be thinking that i thought we knew everything about each other and then think we'll if hes kept this from me, what else don't I know. Again I don't want this to go into make escorts are different etc. it's not about gender but the principle.

But whether you choose to tell him or not is upto you. Reading your posts it seems you are reluctant to - apologies if wrong about this.

Original poster
Muffinmoo · 29/06/2025 09:20

ThisChirpyFox · 29/06/2025 08:28

OP I fully understand the trauma you've been through and the escorting is understandable after what happened. I've also supported you on this thread and posted about the pp who was clearly trying to derail this thread.

However, in my opinion, I think your partner does need to know at some point. Because if he found out in a few years time, he'd know that you'd kept something so big from him. He might be understanding and great - it means he is a good guy. But if he's not and he's willing to walk away, then not only is he not the person for you but it's also his right to feel that way. That is only my opinion though and you did start the thread to gather people's opinions.

I'm not getting into the debate into male/female escorts as that's not what has created my view. But if my partner kept this from me and I found out, Id be thinking that i thought we knew everything about each other and then think we'll if hes kept this from me, what else don't I know. Again I don't want this to go into make escorts are different etc. it's not about gender but the principle.

But whether you choose to tell him or not is upto you. Reading your posts it seems you are reluctant to - apologies if wrong about this.

No my original instinct was to tell him, it’s only how my parents responded and making it clear they were ashamed of me (despite benefitting) and that men seem to have a sort of ingrained negative reaction to it that has made me question it.

If he had something he hadn’t felt able to share with me I would be more upset he hadn’t felt safe enough to trust me with it tbh.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 29/06/2025 10:00

If he had something he hadn’t felt able to share with me I would be more upset he hadn’t felt safe enough to trust me with it tbh.

So there's your answer.

winter8090 · 29/06/2025 10:06

I don’t think you need to disclose any of this. It’s in the past and you’ve done incredibly well moving on from it.

Continue your healing. Practice self compassion.

Also consider why you thought about disclosing this? I don’t believe anything good or positive will come from disclosing this. It’s in the past now, leave it there.

CallmePaul · 29/06/2025 23:54

I don't think many men could cope with knowing that. Obviously some can, as I was reading just the other day that porn actress Riley Reid has not only a partner but a child too, but I guess he knew the situation up front.

Original poster
Muffinmoo · 30/06/2025 10:56

CallmePaul · 29/06/2025 23:54

I don't think many men could cope with knowing that. Obviously some can, as I was reading just the other day that porn actress Riley Reid has not only a partner but a child too, but I guess he knew the situation up front.

Porn is slightly different because that content is out there forever for anyone to see. Of course I would have to divulge that, but thankfully there is no trace online of me ever having been involved in SW. all pictures were blurred of my face and I look totally different now anyway, opposite hair colour and slimmer…

OP posts:
K8ate · 30/06/2025 14:53

Muffinmoo · 26/06/2025 08:59

@K8ate and further, I have met far more ‘punters’ than I expect you have and am therefore far more qualified to make an assessment as to why they are paying for sex, and I can assure you it isn’t because the poor loves are lonely and ‘traumatised’

Yet you continued to go ahead and provide a service.