Does he need to know about my sexual history?

[Muffinmoo]

I have been in a relationship for a year with the most wonderful man - but I haven’t been entirely honest with him about my sexual history. I’ve not outright lied, but just not proffered the information.,

Long story short, I suffered CSA by my maternal grandfather. That screwed up my ongoing relationship with sex, in fact my first sexual experience when I was 18 I was so drunk I don’t even remember it. The same guy has actually been accused of rape / assault on more than one occasion since. I didn’t (and tbh don’t) even think of it like that but I do remember not talking to him the next day and being in shock.

Then when I was very early 20s I started ‘sugar dating’ as a way to earn extra money whilst studying for my first degree. It was one shade away from outright prostitution. He was over twice my age and the third person I’d ever had sex with. But I chose it. After a while, actual escorting seemed basically the same and so I did that for most of my 20s too, before ending up in an abusive relationship with an ex client.

I have done well turning my life around and succeeding despite this. I have two degrees, a masters, and a very high profile and well paid career in a very competitive field. I had to do a lot of work and healing to confront all of it and then obviously the connection between my childhood and my choices since. I had essentially been recreating that abuse and hoping someone would rescue me. I guess that was me in the end!

My partner knows nothing of any of this. I am scared he will reject me even though he has given me no indication he would, but I know people would look down on someone with my history and men can be so weird about it, despite the fact it’s men who create the demand, and the shame should be on them, it just isn’t.

I don’t want to keep things back from him but equally it would help explain some other current issues in my life, such as my slightly strained relationship with my parents who knew about the above but actually encouraged it and in a lot of ways benefitted financially from what I did. When I made a very difficult decision to give it all up we didn’t speak for nearly a year.

Does he need to know? I just don’t want him to see me differently. He looks at me like I am the best thing he’s ever seen in his life and I’m just so worried that will change 😞

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

Your initial mention was totally irrelevant and judgy, designed to just critique with no constructive element. But, by all means, keep on digging the hole.

It would be risky to tell him about the prostitution. There is no need to drag up a past you have left behind, possibly to the detriment of a good relationship you have now. You've made a good life for yourself. The desire for too much honesty might be self-destructive. I suffered CSA and made bad decisions in my 20s, but I rarely think about that now, because I refuse to allow what happened to me to define who I am, or mess with my life now, or still prey on my mind, for that would make me a perpetual victim. I am a different person now through education and personal growth, and I suspect you are different to who you were. Your partner's relationship is with the woman you have become, not the one you once were.

Its definitely not irrelevant to my opinion, I'm just explaining the back and forth. OP doesnt need to keep replying if she doesnt want to, especially if she feels it's irrelevant surely.

You’re correct - i haven’t.
But you lost me when you stated your position regarding your partner which i disagree with you on.
i personally feel you should be honest with your partner so he can also make an informed decision as to whether he wishes to remain in a relationship with you.

@MiloMinderbinder925 Great opening, crap middle.

You decide what to tell him Op, however much you want, whenever you want. You control your own narrative.

And congratulations for 'saving yourself' and turning your life round. You should be proud.

@Greenfields20 why not start your own thread instead of derailing this one?

Your points are irrelevant, self serving and boorish.

You need to accept the fact that people have different opinions and yours aren't superior.

They are not irrelevant.

Excellent advice there. 🤣

We can compromise on just self serving and boorish I suppose.

Your history is nobody else's business

Do not tell

If that's your opinion then yes you are entitled to that opinion.

Glad you can take it on board. 👏

Just do everyone a favour and get off this thread.

OP asked for thoughts about whether she should tell her partner. She doesn't need people who don't know her judging her past experiences.

Looks like you're just here to stir things up.

I wouldn't see it as 'wrong' to continue withholding this information. There's no obligation to disclose. It's about trying to gauge what might lead to a better future for you and for this relationship, and I feel for you because you don't have a crystal ball and the stakes are high. It sounds as if you've done an awesome job of turning your life around after having been dealt some appalling cards as a child and young woman. I guess you don't want to risk your DP responding to a disclosure in a way that leaves you once again feeling vulnerable and exposed. However, it sounds like it is important to you to feel authentic in a relationship. You are uncomfortable lying. Disclosing something of your past would give him an opportunity to respond in a way that makes you feel more fully seen and accepted for who you are and have been. Shame is difficult to heal, even when we think logically that we have nothing to be ashamed of. But being loved and accepted in spite of what we are ashamed of can go a long way towards this. Of course, though, we can't guarantee a supportive response from others.

I agree with the suggestions above about cautiously feeling your way with this. There's no need to rush. Maybe disclose a little, indicate that there have been difficult times you find it hard to talk about and see what the response is and how you feel, before deciding to tell him any more? I'm not sure this has to be a yes/no decision. If you feel ready to give some hints, you might even find your partner begins to guess some of your experiences and shows whether he's open to knowing more and ready to support you.

Thank you… having considered the replies the more certain I am that this isn’t something he is necessarily entitled to know. As you say, it may be worthwhile sharing because of the value for being truly accepted for who I am, including my past, but he is not automatically entitled to the information and certainly not so he can give ‘informed consent’ to sex (ridiculous).

Those who have an unjustifiably hostile or disdainful response to women selling sex are usually men who are genuinely angry that women have commoditised something they feel entitled to, and resent having to pay for when ‘normal’ women don’t want to sleep with them. Particularly given the attitude of a certain poster is that punters could also be ‘traumatised’ and I could have just ‘slept around for free’…

Even if they don’t necessarily agree with it, I highly doubt another woman wouldn’t be empathetic considering the reasons behind it. But also women are far more able to recognise that other women don’t go into sex work because they would enjoy it, and wouldn’t do it unless they were desperate and emotionally damaged in some way, or on some level. Around 95% of sex workers have been sexually assaulted or abused (usually childhood SA). A lot of survivors don’t even remember what was done to them but it manifests in a multitude of different ways.

I don’t agree with sex work quite frankly, not because of some misguided ‘moral’ belief but because it’s deeply damaging for the women (and men selling) involved. I don’t agree with other women promoting it as some empowering choice to impressionable young girls, or glamourising it, but otherwise (usually) the only people it harms is themselves.

So I suspect the posters / male punter apologists on here are just angry incel men.

Thankfully their attitudes have made me realise that my partner is nothing like them and would not react to the news in the judgemental and irrational way they have. But I don’t have to rush into anything.

This is why you get a response from me. This idea that to have a more negative opinion of sex workers means I must be a man. Defend yourself if you feel it necessary but why call people incel men. The insult does nothing to change my opinion. Only you know if you had to be a hooker to survive and had absolutely no other choice.

@Greenfields20 well you’ve given no other justification for your quite frankly illogical judgement of me and conversely an empathetic view of men who pay for sex.

so yes my theory seems the most likely option. Particularly given you’ve expressed some kind of solidarity for the hundreds of men who have lined up to have sex with Bonnie Blue on other threads.

Unfortunately like it or not nearly all men have a visceral reaction to this sort of thing. Way I see it you have 2 choices don't tell him and eventually when he does find out the relationship will end anyway but if you do tell him you might get the "its fine" and "I understand" but you will notice the dynamics in the relationship change alot. Men's egos are a strange thing. You get no judgement from me because I have actually been in same boat but its definitely not as simple as just not telling him and everything will be fine. I know its not what you want to hear but every single guy I told about my past ended badly they just never get past it, constantly brought up, sex becomes more aggressive as they think you somehow you are more up for it now they know you used to be paid for it and just things are never the same. Its ok that you used to be a prostitute but it feels there is alot of projecting going on in this thread. We all had to make hard choices but i'm just sorry that most men arent willing to accept it. I know you will just reply in anger like last threads calling me an incel or whatever but its the truth as many other posters have pointed out. Wish you all the best hope you find someone willing to accept your past.

Not at all, ridiculous. I've said that Bonnie is just as bad as the men involved- how does that equal a solidarity with the men involved? And again in relation to prostitution the point I made was that not all men who pay for sex do it just because they are misogynists. Your making up a narrative about what I've said.

I’ve not had any past threads so I don’t know what you’re on about.

I have no problem with that opinion I pointed out the discrepancies in the other poster’s arguments and stated a likely theory based on their views. I haven’t once gotten ‘angry’ other than to highlight said poster’s blatant judgement of me is flawed and seems to be intent on a personal attack. That’s different from having another opinion I might not want to hear. There’s been opinions on both sides of this topic and I’ve not gone around accusing everyone of being incels.

the other poster seemingly has no problem with casual sex, but has an issue with me receiving money in exchange for it, thinks punters aren’t misogynists and could just be lonely and traumatised. I made an observation based on that and the fact women are highly unlikely to have the same view.

Just want to applaud your intelligence and clarity of thought @Muffinmoo

You've destroyed the attacking/MRA posters with your rationality. A shame they won’t learn anything.

In an ideal world you could tell your partner and feel truly known. He is not entitled to your past but I can see why you would want to tell him. If he is truly a good man, his heart would break for your past self and the child you were and it would bring you closer. But it may not be something you are ever ready to risk.

Good luck. You’re an impressive person.

You did accuse me of being an incel. I made points you didnt agree with and you also refuse to acknowledge exist and you attack with an insult.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has been mentioned already. @Muffinmoo have you ever had any general conversations regarding prostitution? Do you know what he thinks about it? If not that would probably be the first step in your decision making process.

Are you NC with your family?

I said I didn’t go around accusing everyone of being incels which I did not.
I wouldn’t call it attacking with an insult so much as drawing a rational conclusion based on the evidence and your reasoning / the weird issue you seem to have with me which seems based purely on the fact I received money in payment for sex. A point which you have backed up with zero justification for whatsoever.
You clearly don’t have an issue with the act of paying for it or the exchange of money itself given you haven’t expressed anywhere near the same dislike or criticism of punters / clients, and have in fact defended them and disputed my observation, backed by actual experience, that men who think they are entitled to women’s bodies are misogynistic (they inherently are) and you clearly have no issue with casual sex given you asked why I couldn’t have just slept around for free.

So what is it? It can only be the fact I commoditised something you think should be freely given. That tends to be the attitude of men who as I previously stated, are angry at that fact and feel entitled to sex and would resent ever having to pay for it.

I have no issue with diverse opinions but I do have an issue with illogical and unreasoned arguments, particularly when combined with an unjustified personal attack against me and the needless derailing of my thread.