Does he need to know about my sexual history?

[Muffinmoo]

I have been in a relationship for a year with the most wonderful man - but I haven’t been entirely honest with him about my sexual history. I’ve not outright lied, but just not proffered the information.,

Long story short, I suffered CSA by my maternal grandfather. That screwed up my ongoing relationship with sex, in fact my first sexual experience when I was 18 I was so drunk I don’t even remember it. The same guy has actually been accused of rape / assault on more than one occasion since. I didn’t (and tbh don’t) even think of it like that but I do remember not talking to him the next day and being in shock.

Then when I was very early 20s I started ‘sugar dating’ as a way to earn extra money whilst studying for my first degree. It was one shade away from outright prostitution. He was over twice my age and the third person I’d ever had sex with. But I chose it. After a while, actual escorting seemed basically the same and so I did that for most of my 20s too, before ending up in an abusive relationship with an ex client.

I have done well turning my life around and succeeding despite this. I have two degrees, a masters, and a very high profile and well paid career in a very competitive field. I had to do a lot of work and healing to confront all of it and then obviously the connection between my childhood and my choices since. I had essentially been recreating that abuse and hoping someone would rescue me. I guess that was me in the end!

My partner knows nothing of any of this. I am scared he will reject me even though he has given me no indication he would, but I know people would look down on someone with my history and men can be so weird about it, despite the fact it’s men who create the demand, and the shame should be on them, it just isn’t.

I don’t want to keep things back from him but equally it would help explain some other current issues in my life, such as my slightly strained relationship with my parents who knew about the above but actually encouraged it and in a lot of ways benefitted financially from what I did. When I made a very difficult decision to give it all up we didn’t speak for nearly a year.

Does he need to know? I just don’t want him to see me differently. He looks at me like I am the best thing he’s ever seen in his life and I’m just so worried that will change 😞

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

No. You don't need to share any of this.

You had a really traumatic start in life and of course it affected your relationships and attitude to sex.

This is now in your past.

Focus on the person you are now.

I really don’t understand your point - whether they had partners is not within my control that is on the men (who you are so keen to defend) entirely. I couldn’t have turned anyone down if they did. Fairly sure my agency would have had something to say.
I couldn’t have financially survived at that time without the money.
no idea why you are so intent on having an issue with me and want to attack me regarding a choice I made that in no way harmed another person.

Ignore Greenfields20.

He/she was on the Bonnie Blue thread absolving the men of any responsibility. Very weird.

Makes sense!

clearly a man. Just a hunch.

I dont have sympathy for a woman who chooses to sleep with men who have partners (you know fine well a lot of them did). If a man cheats the majority of the rage should be directed at him but I don't consider the woman innocent. Especially doing it for money. You've changed it from wishing to earn extra money to now saying you couldn't have survived without the money. But at the same time apparently it wasnt about the money but because of past experiences.

@Greenfields20 the whole point about sex work is it isn’t free consent though is it.
amazingly, some decisions can be the result of a variety of complex factors. Go and bother someone else on another thread. I’m not engaging with you anymore, your arguments are illogical.

Ah yes a woman against chosen prostitution must be a man. Yeah that makes sense!

Only against the women involved in prostitution though, not their clients. Hmm.

Every decision we make in life results from how our life experiences. It's not always an excuse. I dont have to agree with your life choices. The main thing I didnt understand was your instant dismissal that its only women caught up in the sex industry can use the trauma card. I can though understand you now look back in anger at your earlier decisions.

I haven’t rtft but depending on his personality and what you feel would be helpful for you can you give vague details? Like ‘I had a very difficult and traumatic time around sex and relationships from age x to y, because of…’ and then be as vague or specific as you want to be about the abuse. Tell him outright that you would rather not go into the details but that a lot happened that has had an impact on you. My partner has done similar with a different kind of trauma with me and it means I know some topics are sensitive for him and am happy not to pry as he’s a different person now and wants to leave the past behind him.

Where did I say that?

If my DH told me he used to be paid for sex I would be surprised but would not think badly of him. If he told me he paid for sex that would be a completely different thing. The first disclosure wouldn't invalidate my consent around the relationship with him, because it doesn't say anything negative about who he is as a person. We both had STI tests which I would do and have done with every sexual partner so prior sexual behaviour is not relevant to that.

And men who are also selling sex. But no I don’t buy your reasoning that clients are victims of trauma. And I suspect I have met a lot more of them than you have. They are entitled, misogynistic and sometimes downright dangerous. Even the ‘good’ ones feel that sex and women are ‘owed’ to them. The whole industry is horrendous. I am beyond appalled that certain individuals in the media hail it as being somehow empowering. It is deeply damaging. I suspect others will realise that as I did when / if they have safely escaped. Sadly many do not.

as I already mentioned, your sympathies with male clients and conversely your disdain and unjustified judgement over my choices are ridiculous and illogical.

What??
you know the point was to make money, not to have sex with lots of men, right?

The poster thinks male punters are traumatised victims, I would have been better off shagging around for free, and that conversely what I was doing was somehow morally abhorrent despite not harming anyone else, was a financial necessity (especially after I started and my family then asked for increased rent I couldn’t pay, for the posters accusing me of ‘changing’ my story regarding the money…) and quite clearly a result of childhood sexual abuse and evident trauma response.

insane.

Look you know fine well I've never said that most men who use prostitutes have suffered trauma but you simply cannot say that all men who do havent. It's your inability to acknowledge that, but at the same time expecting your past trauma to explain everything, that is what I was commenting on.

So the only way you could make money to pay to live in a family owned property was by being a sex worker?

You know fine and well that was your implication. ‘What about the poor men’…

go and do some research about the correlation between childhood sexual abuse and sex work.

And yes at the time, working full time and studying full time meant I felt there were no other options available to me. The point is most healthy people would not turn to sex work as an immediate solution to that. For me, my body had become a tool for me to do that, because I was so detached from it because one of my grandparents had raped me as a small child.

I didn’t ask for anyone’s sympathy actually my thread was about my partner, who I don’t think it entitled to the information but nevertheless I was opining as to whether to share the information. My history is relevant to that question.

why you have come onto my thread to attack me is incomprehensible. Your value judgements about sex work and ‘think about the poor men paying for it - they might be ‘traumatised’ too are unnecessary.

Not the point here but I am very shocked that your parents knew about and actively encouraged the SA. You talk about a strained relationship with them. I would cut them completely out of my life.

Jesus @Greenfields20. Back off.

OP came on with a question. This isn’t AIBU. You’re coming across so so badly:

I've never said poor men. Dont be ridiculous.

You chose sex work for the extra money. I'm sure you werent on street corners doing it. It's in your past but now its playing on your mind because you are dating someone you like. He doesnt need to know but if its playing on your mind then maybe you should tell him.

But be prepared that not everyone would be happy about it. Some will be fine with it, some wont.

Well they encouraged the sugar dating / escorting not the abuse. I think they thought it was somehow supportive but they benefitted from it in many ways and were visibly annoyed when I made the decision to stop, which meant for a time I was on my knees financially speaking. Prepared to go into a refuge for former sex workers, which I avoided but only just. I sold everything I owned I literally didn’t care. I was never doing it again.

ironically I earn over six figures now and my contact with them is limited. I don’t feel they are deliberately vindictive or necessarily overtly abusive but it was messed up and unhealthy.

I wouldn't tell him about the prostitution. I'm sure he's a lovely guy but that is the sort of information that can be used viciously and would destroy you, and people respond unpredictably at times.

I initially mentioned to the OP that she doesnt know all the reasons why a person might use a sex worker and thats how this exchange of messages between myself and the OP started.