He's left me.

[BookishBabe]

16 years together, married for 12, 2 disabled DS.
I've never felt so alone, or not good enough, or not worthy. I am absolutely broken, I begged him to stay and try harder, but he left.
I can't sleep, where do I go from here?

I'm making sure I look nice when I see him.
But I cant work out if I want him to like it or if I want it to piss him off.

Well it looks like it is pissing him off - I’d be happy with that personally!
Please don’t want him to like it - you already said there’s no going back, and your DD will be watching everything you’re doing now x

Ha!

I bet it's to piss him off.

I got to a point after mine left, where I didn't care about him anymore. I mean it took ages for me to get to that point, but I did get there.

The cruel stranger who stood before me wasn't my kind, loving husband.

Anyway. When we married, I didn't take his surname. He wasn't thrilled about this because he was quite old-fashioned about that sort of thing.

After the divorce, I started calling myself Mrs. "His Surname". It really, really annoyed him.

Because you made him your entire life, your everything.

Now you have to find yourself, your very own self, and build a life for yourself….. and your children.

This is scary, of course it is. All you can do is focus on the practical stuff, one step at a time, and prioritise yourself and your needs.

You can do this, and you WILL get there.

I don't want him back. He's ruined that.
So why do I still feel like I'm doing the pick me dance?

I was like that for ages though.
I think it's normal.
You'll get to the point where you DGAF.

I think the rejection is the hardest part.
He always said he would choose me, he is alive because of me, his only goal in life was to treat me like the princess I am, that every single drop of love in his body is mine, there is no way he could ever love anyone else because there isn't any left.

And then he left me for someone else.

That’s the first red flag. Love bombing is more about them than you. He wants to live in this romantic fantasy where it’s Romeo and Juliet and you burn for each other. It’s you and him against the world etc etc.

But then someone else showed interest and he transferred those feelings onto her. It was always about his need to feel like some romantic hero rather than real, steady love which sometimes can come across as ‘boring’ but it’s the love that stands the test of time.

Right now your self worth is linked to how he claimed to feel about you and what he said was true. It’s understandable that now he has done a 180 your sense of worth has plummeted and you don’t know who you are. But you are the same person now as you were last year. You haven’t changed. You have just let him be your barometer of self worth for so long that this change has left you reeling. You need to practice self love and show yourself kindness.

It will take time. You have to unlearn a lot and the trauma he’s inflicted will likely leave you with real scars. But once you have got through the worst of it, the freedom you will feel from not having to worry about anyone’s approval but your own will be worth this heartache.

Just caught up with this thread, you remind me of me and my relationship with my husband, he hasn’t cheated (as far as I know!) so this is coming from what I think I’d do/feel as a parent of a couple of kiddos too.

1. what an amazing parent you are to your boys. They are lucky to have you, who puts them first. It’s rubbish that their dad isn’t, and it’s rubbish that you have to do it for the both of you. You’re accepting so much help and I feel like it’s probably more likely for the boys benefit than yours (in your head), but you deserve to benefit from it just as much.
2. yes, it is FAR too early for him to introduce anyone to your kids (whether disabled or not).
3. I love how you love yourself and feel like you know your worth, although your esteem has been majorly knocked, I feel like you’ll get there.
4. when you feel weak, imagine the satisfaction of knowing how hurt the OW was that day at the school, and use that satisfaction to know she’s probably dying inside every time you have contact with him or seeing him. It’s not healthy, but it might just perk you up when you’re feeling bad.
5. when you get the chance, do something just for you. Could you join a gym or exercise class? I say this NOT because anyone thinks you need to lose weight, but it’ll help you become mentally and physically strong (not skinny, thin, or anything like that) it’s amazing how much better you feel mentally afterward. It took me over 20 years of adulthood to understand and appreciate exercise.
6. if you want to, you WILL meet someone else when you’re ready and hopefully you’ll have mentally grown and become a stronger person where you no longer ‘need’ a man to feel secure and you’ll take far less shit because he’ll be there as an asset to your family and not because you feel you need any security from him.

you might not feel like you’re bossing it but you 100% are!

Boundaries are still being crossed.
He had OW in the car when he had to come and pick up something from the house, even though we had already discussed this and I said if he needed to be dropped off by her can he do it a couple doors down.
I stood up to look outside, and she was standing outside my house. I was shaking and felt sick.
I told him that he knew I wasnt comfortable with this and wasnt ready after 8 days, and he just shrugged and said he'd forgotten and I was being silly.
But later afternoon and he'd gotten her to text me instead of him.
Am I mad?
Surely after 16 years together the few little bits I need to feel respected and make the transition away from the relationship easier should be followed?

You are going to have to grasp that he wants to fuck you over —this is the discard, the narcissistic discard. Hop over to chumplady dot com and learn how to get to not caring. The sooner you stop being surprised that he us and arse the better.

Absolutely agree with pp. From your first post I'm sure many of us knew there was another woman as those signs were clear just from what you wrote.

Now we're telling you this as a heads up, he's been seeing this woman for a fair time behind your back. It's absolutely not new.

He's likely lied to her and told her you two have only 'stayed together for the kids' and 'no longer have sex anymore'. She probably doesn't even know you were still together until a few days ago. Alternatively, he's told her you are nuts.Or both those things.

And most importantly -

He.means.you.harm

I know that is hard to grasp but it's an absolute fact. And you need to come to terms with this and act accordingly. Anything like 'i need you to put the kids first' he will think 'ah so that's where I can hurt her then'. He is deliberately doing the things you've asked him not to. Wake up and see that for what it is. Deliberate harm.

He isn't your friend! Please please stop thinking you can get there. He is contemptuous of you. That's not a friend. It's an enemy. Stop giving your enemy any extra knifes to stab you. And don't stand with your back to him and expect a hug.

Do as pp suggested and look up chump lady.
Also, Google how to coparent with a narcissist.

Good luck op.

Ps: it's not a reflection on you. No one deserves to be treated this way.

But you can want respect and kindness all you like, a lion will show you none. So act accordingly and protect yourself.

PPS: the fact he said he'd kill you both if the tables were turned is really terrifying. It shows clearly who he is and that he thinks of you as property.

It doesn’t sound like he’s rejecting you. It sounds. Like he’s rejecting monogamy. You disagree and it’s not what you signed up for, so you have every right to end the relationship. But perhaps you can find a way not to take it so personally. I know that’s not easy. But it actually sounds like he cares about you and your family even as he is struggling with the boundaries of marriage.

For gods sake he’s trying to hurt her at every turn at the moment, this is quite personal. It’s a big standard asshole- looking at or thinking about the op is too uncomfortably close to the realisation that he’s a complete waste of space asshole who has absolutely fucked her and their kids over, and he is the epitome of the things he’s called shit parenting in the past, this makes him uncomfortable so he covers it in anger and lashing out at her.

Today you are in terrible pain and shock and grieving. Tomorrow, the shock will have worn off just a tiny bit. Every day that you pick yourself up and get on with breathing in and out the agony will be a tiny bit less.

Get legal advice, regardless of whether you think you will need it, he is NOT your friend and NOTHING HE SAYS can be trusted.

Please also get counselling for yourself, to assist with your feelings of self worth, and the loss and grieving and abandonment you are feeling.

DO. NOT. TRUST. HIM. Go to Chump Lady.com if you want the most realistic views and stories about vile creatures like your ex.

Be kind to yourself. No matter what this is NOT your fault he is responsible for his own choice to be cruel, to be a cheat and to deliberately choose to abandon his children.

No, he said hes monogamous with the OW now.

Right. I am glad you are finding your anger. Well done. Hang on to that, and remember he is a POS who is treating you appallingly. DO get legal advice you will need it if for nothing else than his treatment of your children and child support.

Tbh I'd make a point of dropping the kids off with him as often as possible. He doesn't get to skip being a parent just because he's got a new woman.

He's counting on you not wanting her around them so he doesn't have to parent. Fuck that, I'd be like 'ok John it's your week, I'm off to Barbados, cheerybye!'. You think she'll hang around long if she finds out he expects her to help with the kids? Will she buggary. Not if you get them in there straight off the bat anyway. He'll be out on his arse in a month. Show her the work it'll be from the start.

If bite down my annoyance at her and make sure he does half the childcare regardless. It's not like she's a bloke that could be a paedo or something.

I mean obviously, you maybe don't want to risk him crawling back. But that's practically inevitable at some point (perhaps just for sex, perhaps because he realises the grass isn't greener there). Still, be best to be somewhere without his name on the lease when he tries to return.

I know having our kids there (who are quite difficult) would ruin the honey moon a bit.
But I just dont think its what's best for our boys. I also don't want to be on my own. Looking after them is giving me a purpose at the moment.
They're trying way to hard to play happy families, and I don't want to feed into that.

I keep thinking about one of the worst mumsnet i ever read. To me its stuck with me for 5+ years.

A man left his wife for an OW from the school run.
He quit his job, moved in with her and started being a stay at home dad to her kids. This was to avoid chid maintenance.
He cut his own children off instantly, they'd see him doing the school run for the other kid and be like "Daddy!!! Hello Daddy!!!" and he'd just put his head down and ignore them.
Then there was a father's day celebration at the school, and he attending and his new step kids sang his praise. And his actual kids just sad and cried while he ignored them.

I talked about this story of someone else's life regularly, because it absolutely broke my heart whenever i thought about it. He always agreed it was horrendous.

I understand completely how you feel and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It took me a long time to get over the shock of it and I could not process that the person I loved so deeply and trusted & relied on had pulled the carpet from beneath my feet. It helped me to say to myself throughout the day “He is not my friend” because I slipped back into the old ways of thinking & wishing and I needed to remind myself of the new reality. You will be ok, you have strength & integrity, but it may take time so please be kind to yourself. If people hear he has left you like this, they will either be kind & sympathetic to you, or they won’t worth having in your life.

I think he is being heartless by involving the OW so early and/or she is insecure & trying to gain some advantage in the situation. Put a stop to that, no more texting from her and no more her driving to your house. Put some boundaries in place, keep things amicable and distant and in that way create a safe place for yourself to recover.

I disagree with amicable, polite is all that is required and she should completely ignore any requests or remarks from him that are unacceptable. I also think she should only contact him through a parenting app so it is all logged from the start.

On reflection, I don’t disagree with that @Boddica2000. Polite is better than amicable in the early days because amicable implies some positive feeling towards him still and being more detached is much better for the healing process. Its difficult to do though, having a polite relationship almost overnight with someone you have loved for many years and I really feel for you OP.

So sorry you are going through this but I think you are amazing! I know it is utterly devastating, it happened to me also, but we didn't have children.

At the time I could not imagine the future. I didn't want to imagine a future without him. I didn't think I could be happy again, but life is so much better now. I got over it and you will too. i didnt know it at the time of course, but the best years of my life were yet to come.

Don't waste energy (although I know it's hard) thinking about him and her. The chances are they won't last. Don't think about the future for now just take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. You are grieving and you should treat yourself with care and kindness. Its you and your boys now, the three amigos!!!

You are a strong woman you will be ok. And if you feel down, put on Gloria Gaynor, I will survive.!

I agree he’s trying to hurt you, if I did what your husband did I’d be doing my best to keep my DH away from my OM from the sheer shame and discomfort of it all. I mean the way he’s behaved inside of a week is just fucking shocking imo, he has no conscience. No relationship is guaranteed but it doesn’t take much to show someone you claimed to love at some point some basic compassion and decency.

He is not your friend, he’s a giant prick.

Hones think facilitating as much contact with the kids as possible is the important thing (for their wellbeing). Work on grey rock, you are probably going to end up seeing the OW a lot, don’t let them think it bothers you, she’ll enjoy it. While the kids are with him think about what you can do for yourself, find some cheap classes doing something like yoga or knitting or whatever but get out and have some social contact with other people just as yourself, not someones mum or someones wife. You need to just be who you are without the filter of trying to please.