“Pillow Princess” jibe unfair?

[Thestoryof]

Been seeing my BF/partner for almost a year. We were talking about keeping things fresh and he said last week that in the spirit of honesty he’d mention that he thought I was a bit of a “pillow princess”.
I thought this meant someone who doesn’t put the effort it in bed. As far as I’m concerned I do. I’m always very well groomed, sometimes dress up for him, have no issue at all going on top and always give him oral as part of foreplay. It’s pretty vanilla generally but I think I’m generous and never expect to receive anything I wouldn’t give back.

He said he meant that he spends ages going down on me whilst I just lie there. There is some truth in that, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Our normal sex involves that for a while (not ages IMO) because that’s how I orgasm. Then afterwards we have PIV so that he gets his.

I kept my upset to myself when he said these things but we have had sex twice since and I secretly timed things to see if he was being mad or I was (maybe I was mad to time things!). On both occasions he went down on me until I came but it was for under ten minutes. We then had PIV for about five minutes until he came, once with him on top the whole time and once with me on top at the end.

Is this “pillow princess” behaviour? It’s not like he’s down there for an hour then I just lie back and think of England.

Perhaps you and BF are just not very compatible sexually? It sounds like you need to be with someone who would love an unexpressive, non-responsive, formulaic sexual partner.

Ten minutes? I’d suggest he needs to learn how to do it right 😂

Make sure he knows this then, that it's not just him.
I don't think there's such a thing as normal lengths, everyone is different.

I agree with this. It sounds like it's the same everytime.

He's probably hoping she'll become self-conscious, and either start faking it to be done in half the time, or stop asking for it at all. Sex will become all PIV and all about him, until it falls off a cliff.

It is the same every time. Perhaps that’s it. I am satisfied with that, perhaps he is not. I will have to talk to him.
But I will still need that period of oral to come, and I don’t think I’m unreasonable to expect it or to behave how I do when receiving it. People have talked about a toy or whatever but no, I like the feeling of oral and that’s what I want. It feels heavenly. Maybe I should tell him that.

Before or after that if he wants to do whatever then let’s do it. It’ll probably be fun!

Do you think he realises that last part? Or does he assume your enthusiasm means you're enjoying the PIV more?

I’ve told him that I only come through oral. He knows I enjoy PIV but not as a means to an orgasm. I just like it and I like that he likes it enough to climax.

10 minutes isn't too long but maybe it feels like it is to him because he's getting nothing from you. I understand you're not a noisy one in bed but surely if it feels that good then you'd make some noise or be arching your back or even curling your toes? Maybe interact a bit more whilst he's going down on you because I do think it's the lack of that that's making it feel longer to him

And all that is totally fair enough if it's what you like and what you want. But it may also feel uncomfortable for him....a lot of people on this thread have said they wouldn't like giving oral to a completely still and silent partner and that's fair enough too. Different people are into different things.

I don't think there's a right or wrong here, but you may not be that compatible in bed. Talk to him about it.

Have you considered that he might be feeling uncomfortable giving oral to someone who stays silent, like a lot of posters have said here? I don't think the length of time is really the issue.

He's not unreasonable to want something back from you during oral, and you're not unreasonable to want what makes you feel good. You need to talk to him and see if you can work it out. Otherwise I think you're probably not compatible sexually.

You do him. He does you. You can do it to each other at the same time you know.

Then he's selfish and he's stopped caring about your pleasure. He's shaming you, as a tactic to try and get a sex life that's all about him. He won't care if you're self-conscious or unfulfilled, as long as he gets what he wants.

Sorry, OP. I'd run a mile. It can only get worse.

I don't think ten minutes is a really long time, but I do think the lack of interaction and feedback is very unusual and probably unsettling to him. I'd be bored too and I'd also feel like I couldn't possibly be doing it right. You don't have to moan like a porn star, just touch his hair and move a bit, make some little noises to indicate when he's doing it right?

Exactly this.

didn’t realise we all have to orgasm within so many minutes, make lots of noise (difficult with teenagers /kids) next door, bounce around in excitement to have porn sorry I mean good sex.

And yes my wonderful partner will pleasure me for 20 minutes whenever I want. He loves it. And I love it. That’s our sex. It’s not a race.

But that's not what he's said, or what the "pillow princess" jibe means. The princess is enjoying it. The princess is getting more time and effort spent on her and does not reciprocate. That's what it means.

If he'd come to OP a bit awkward and said "look, is this working for you, because I can't tell" or "I need a bit more encouragement", that would be different. But he hasn't. He's made a petty jibe.

It does sound like they could use more variety in their sex life. But it doesn't seem he made any suggestions to improve her pleasure. Just shamed her for taking too long and not being responsive enough. He's been a shit to her.

Honestly, I'd not be that keen to spend ten mins pleasuring a partner while nothing was done for me, it seems too long and I think I'd loose my arousal. You aren't weird, but can you switch around a bit more? Like a couple of mins him going down on you and a couple of mins you going down on him, and then switch back? Or 69?

Or is he maybe trying to say he'd like oral sex in return, not just piv? I can kinda get that, piv is presumably mutual fun, even if it's only him that cums.

You can mix up your required 10 minutes of oral though. Break it up, with some PIV or a blow job in the middle. Or sit in a chair while he does it, or straddle his face.

And grab his hair and show him with your body that you like what he's doing. Play with your boobs if that works.

It's not about faking anything. It's like if someone's cooked you a nice meal, don't you ever go "Mmmmmm" as you're eating it!?

It's the formulaic nature of it all that sounds like the issue.

I agree, I think he is using the term "pillow princess" completely wrong.

The original post does say that "He said he meant that he spends ages going down on me whilst I just lie there." though, so that makes me think it's the lack of feedback being the issue. If she showed that she was enjoying it, then maybe he would be keener to go down on her for 10 minutes straight. ~Although I know my jaw would be aching~

Calling her a pillow princess was shit though.

You are very stuck in your ‘I only cum from oral’ mentality. However it is fun to challenge yourself and mix it up. Don’t take oral off the table but maybe start with him fingering you, then a little bit of oral until you are close then use a vibrator while PIV. It’s not about what he wants, it’s just nice to try something different. IME oral orgasms are great but they feel different to PIV orgasms (with clit stimulation) and variety is the spice of life and all that!! If you don’t cum then there is always next time and presumably you know how to get yourself off after.

Anyway apologies for the TMI!!

It takes me more than 10 minutes even with a powerful vibrator. Oral more like 30 minutes or never (this is true for pretty much everyone I’ve slept with so it isn’t an issue with anyone’s skills). Everyone’s body is different

So you’re just… silent? For the whole time he’s giving you oral apart from announcing you’re going to come? Just radio silence?!

The OP hasn't actually said she lies completely still. Silent is a different thing. Absolutely nobody in this world is a statue when something pleasurable is happening to their body. He will absolutely be getting that interaction, even if it's subtle. If he cares about her, he will care about that more than performative vocalisations that take her out of the moment.