“Pillow Princess” jibe unfair?

[Thestoryof]

Been seeing my BF/partner for almost a year. We were talking about keeping things fresh and he said last week that in the spirit of honesty he’d mention that he thought I was a bit of a “pillow princess”.
I thought this meant someone who doesn’t put the effort it in bed. As far as I’m concerned I do. I’m always very well groomed, sometimes dress up for him, have no issue at all going on top and always give him oral as part of foreplay. It’s pretty vanilla generally but I think I’m generous and never expect to receive anything I wouldn’t give back.

He said he meant that he spends ages going down on me whilst I just lie there. There is some truth in that, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Our normal sex involves that for a while (not ages IMO) because that’s how I orgasm. Then afterwards we have PIV so that he gets his.

I kept my upset to myself when he said these things but we have had sex twice since and I secretly timed things to see if he was being mad or I was (maybe I was mad to time things!). On both occasions he went down on me until I came but it was for under ten minutes. We then had PIV for about five minutes until he came, once with him on top the whole time and once with me on top at the end.

Is this “pillow princess” behaviour? It’s not like he’s down there for an hour then I just lie back and think of England.

Explore love honey, op,there are so many toys out there not just vibrators. You could have fun.

Also I think he's a bit of a selfish knob and you'll see this attitude in other things too. Notice how the comment was critical of you, a complaint, rather than 'this doesn't seem to be giving you fireworks, let's explore how we can change that'

I'd throw him back to be honest.

orgasm every time is pretty good in fairness

I do tell him that. I always thank him afterwards and tell him that it felt great (which it does).

I have always been like this. Until this morning I thought it was pretty normal. Is ten minutes (more like 8 or 9 when I’ve timed it) really that long? And yes I am pretty motionless and silent, but it does feel wonderful and he knows it does. And then afterwards he can basically do what he wants and I’ll happily help so that he feels wonderful too.

Honestly if I was giving a woman oral and she just lay there still and silent I'd be a. Concerned (are you enjoying this or thinking about what to have for tea) and b. Bored!

Does he want more enthusiasm from you? Grab his hair, arch your back, groan and tell him it feels good, that sort of thing? You could sit on his face to mix it up a bit?

If he only lasts 5 minutes inside you and can't make you come that way, its just as well he can do his 10 minutes of oral!

He’d last longer if he needed to. But we both know that it’s all about him at that point.

I think he is great in bed (although I thought that about myself til this morning!).

Ten minutes is a long time to be consistently giving oral. I wouldn’t last that long doing it for a man. Boredom and jaw pain would make it miserable.

I get this. But in terms of a, he knows I love it. I have told him many times. And in terms of b, I never thought that ten mins was such a long time. Apparently it is. I am now quite bothered about this.

This sounds pretty transactional to me and pretty boring and predictable.

I mean 10 mins in itself isn't a long time but if it was the same routine I wouldn't be looking forward to it if you get me? Id want to get you off yes but not in a set tit for tat way. And it can get like that when sleeping with other women (turn taking) so I do get it

I've never heard of the term 'pillow princess', I thought it must be about 400 thread count or something. Google's put me straight.

Sex is so complicated now, timing stuff for goodness sake and making the correct sounds. You have my sympathy OP, no one wants to be a chore.

@Thestoryof Don't let other people's personal experiences put you off or give you a complex. Female sexual response is wildly variable.
Great for people who only take a couple of minutes to get off, but 10, 20 minutes is also perfectly normal and I'm kind of thinking shame on the people who are being negative about the way you enjoy sex.

The only thing that counts is what you and your partner enjoy - so talk to him about it, because the random inputs from other people who aren't in bed with you aren't going to be useful in this context.

It's not an easy conversation, but just ask him about it, what he'd like, and remember that it's not just about what he'd like, but also very much about what you enjoy and what works for you - so sure, change things up, compromise if it also works for you, but don't get into being performative and unnatural or settling for less than you might want out of fear of being "boring" or "not normal" - that's bullshit. A good and considerate partner wants you to be enjoying yourself, so there should be plenty of common ground you can find!

I don’t think ten minutes is that long. But given that I didn’t have an orgasm with a partner for decades because I was so paranoid about taking too long, I’m biased. I do tend to do something to get through the early stages as it were so that I take less long when dp is doing what he needs to for me. So I’ll get the lube out, read some stuff, use my own fingers etc before he gets anywhere near me. Once I’ve come I’m more likely to switch it up for positions as well (not always because missionary is awesome). Try some of that? Also, would he like a slower, teasier blow job?
Some edging? I also love dirty talk, never knew what I was missing there. But if you don’t like it, don’t do it.

Agree 100% though that saying ‘you are X misogynist incel insult’ rather than ‘I’d love to try Z with you you sexy beast’ is stupid.

Maybe it's more that he feels like you're both very separated during sex. He's there in silence, no emotional / verbal interaction between you both for 10 minutes and then switch, repeat.

Like others have said, no need for making fake noises but instead interacting "that feels good" "faster/slower" "keep going" blah blah just some indication that you're there, enjoying it and alive 😂

@Thestoryof he's not great in bed because he's told you he resents putting the effort in. He's made it a "you problem" instead of it (a) not being an actual problem and (b) a reason to explore your sex life and have fun.

There's nothing wrong with you, how you express yourself or how long it takes you orgasm. I can see this developing into a hang up for you and you really mustn't let it!

I agree. If roles were reversed and I had to give DH head for 10 mins every time we had sex, my jaw would be clenching at the thought 😅
Sometimes I want to give him a BJ , sometimes I don't. If it was part & parcel of sex every time, I'd get bored & frustrated.

I don't like the way he said that, it's clumsy and of course you are rattled by it. It's great that you talk though as that's the best path to a fantastic sex life ime.

I also don't think 10 mins is that long. We're all different. Could you play with his hair or 69 or interact in some other way? Get him to use a vibrator on you for a bit to get you started while you go down on him before he finishes you off? Pause for a bit of PIV then back to oral?

My OH is pretty silent when I give him oral. And I’d also say 10 mins is pretty standard for him. I mix it up with my hands (could he do this with fingers)? And of course I know he is enjoying it because he tells me afterwards.

I am proud to be a pillow princess! I can’t imagine why it would be considered a bad thing?

Is that his way of saying he wants a BJ ?

Man, I have to get a life. I thought the thread was going to be about who got the good pillow. Bloody hell.

Maybe yous just have to mix it around a bit. It sounds like it’s pretty predictable and transactional.
Do you ever 69? So you are both giving/receiving oral together?
Can he use a vibrator on you while you are both having sex to orgasm together?
Can he sit upright and you on top and then the friction stimulate you to orgasm?
Theres loads of toys out there as well so you can enjoy things together.
They don’t have to be used all the time, just every so often but it can make things a little different for yous.

Also i wouldn’t expect you to be performing like a porn star with moaning etc but lying still and silent for 10mins isn’t very encouraging. No brief eye contact? Touching his head? Repositioning yourself to make things feel good? If my husband lay silent and still while I was giving him a BJ I would feel awkward, it also makes me happy seeing him happy and vice versa.

I don’t think your partner has addressed this correctly though! Sounds like you both need to be more open with what you both enjoy.

He gets a BJ every time. Not to orgasm, because he enjoys PIV, but I would if he asked. With one thing or another I suspect that he gets 10 mins of foreplay dedicated to him as well.

I don't think either of you understand what pillow princess means from the sound of it? You describe being fairly equal in terms of sexual acts.

In any case, its crazy that he has made this comment so that you're considering how this is a "you" issue. Id go back and ask what it is he's looking for - feedback, variety etc whatever. Then let him know what, if anything, you'd like. You don't have to bend to his preferences, or accommodate them at all if they're not for you but you should have a good chat to decide where you stand.

I think the meaning has evolved a bit?