“Pillow Princess” jibe unfair?

[Thestoryof]

Been seeing my BF/partner for almost a year. We were talking about keeping things fresh and he said last week that in the spirit of honesty he’d mention that he thought I was a bit of a “pillow princess”.
I thought this meant someone who doesn’t put the effort it in bed. As far as I’m concerned I do. I’m always very well groomed, sometimes dress up for him, have no issue at all going on top and always give him oral as part of foreplay. It’s pretty vanilla generally but I think I’m generous and never expect to receive anything I wouldn’t give back.

He said he meant that he spends ages going down on me whilst I just lie there. There is some truth in that, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Our normal sex involves that for a while (not ages IMO) because that’s how I orgasm. Then afterwards we have PIV so that he gets his.

I kept my upset to myself when he said these things but we have had sex twice since and I secretly timed things to see if he was being mad or I was (maybe I was mad to time things!). On both occasions he went down on me until I came but it was for under ten minutes. We then had PIV for about five minutes until he came, once with him on top the whole time and once with me on top at the end.

Is this “pillow princess” behaviour? It’s not like he’s down there for an hour then I just lie back and think of England.

I timed it because I didn’t really know how long it was taking, and he said it was taking too long. I didn’t use a stopwatch or anything - I just glanced at the clock.

Until this thread I thought that my gratitude and appreciation was demonstrated enough by me saying it. It seems that I might have to do more. OK, that’s something to bear in mind.

He's just not paying attention, my lovely husband is pretty quiet but I can still tell he's enjoying it.

So many posts in this thread are reminding of teen mags in the 90s and 00s, all of which were focused on his enjoyment over hers

You're taking the wrong thing from this thread @Thestoryof

Ten minutes is not a long time for a woman to come! Some take up to 30 or can’t come at all. If you over think this it will just get worse and take you longer to finish. Men don’t understand that it takes us a lot of concentration to orgasm. Whilst you can try to be a bit more vocal at the beginning I know when I’m close, any change or disruption can take me back to the beginning!

What you describe is a normal sex life. Maybe he wants you to be more performative like in porn but that’s his issue. That’s not real life and you sound great in bed! 😂 Don’t over think it but be open to trying new things.

Agreed. I think this is really sad. As someone who has had a previous lover complain it took me too long to orgasm, it took me many years to relax enough with others to allow myself properly enjoy oral and orgasm from it again. I now have a lover who adores going down on me and can’t get enough of it.

Moaning a bit helps.
I usually start with the price of petrol.
(Sorry.)

I do think it sounds a bit "transactional." He gives you oral until you orgasm and then you have PIV sex until he does. I sort of get where he's coming from.... I wouldn't want to give oral for 10 minutes either as my jaw would ache and a totally silent partner would feel disconcerting. But I don't like the way he's gone about telling you.

Why not try mixing things up a bit? DH and I recently bought one of those bullet vibrators from love honey. We don't use it all the time but sometimes he'll use it on me (nipples as well as clitoral stimulation) or we'll use it during PIV sex, or I'll use it on him when giving him oral. I think a bit of variety is no bad thing!

Also, as a woman that never came from PIV and only came via clitoral stimulation until my mid 30s....it is something you can learn to do with a willing and experimental partner! DH and I had been together 10 years by the time I managed to come via PIV and I was so happy when it happened I cried 🤣. All to say that experimenting a bit and having an open mind and being able to discuss things in the bedroom is no bad thing.

I agree. It would turn me off. It's OK to show that you enjoy it.

You’re not being weird and you’re not asking too long.
Getting in your head about this is not going to lead to anything fun.

Yeah, OP, how dare you want to do the activity which makes you reliably orgasm? You’re such a bore! You need to mix it up and omit your orgasm-achieving activity—only do the activities that give DP orgasms every time. Save those which give you an orgasm; only do those on occasion—otherwise you’re too into a routine/boring. And if you’re trying to relax and enjoy the activity/get your head into orgasm mode, it’s selfish! You should be in BIG performance mode at all times! And you should come within 120 seconds—preferably during PIV.

Talk to him again, and explain you’re feeling a bit paranoid now, is there an issue with him giving oral or does he not realise that lying there is normal when receiving oral.

But if that’s how you orgasm then there’s no need to switch it up. 10 mins to make sure you orgasm as well as him is not some unfair expectation.

I expect he would prefer it if you show you're taking an interest and appreciating him.

Try putting your legs over his shoulders so you can hug him. Hold and fondle his head and ears. Ruffle his hair. You can also move his head for best effect.

Pornstar noises are unconvincing but you can comment, preferably approvingly

Jesus. Thank goodness my DH actively enjoys my enjoyment (which is not performative).

There is nothing wrong with you, OP.

Your boyfriend would have given me the ick with that little speech, though, and I don't think I could relax and enjoy sex with him again knowing that he's internally huffing about EIGHT OR NINE MINUTES of effort to ensure I'm enjoying myself.

Next!

Ask him if he watches too much pornography thus has an unrealistic view on how you should behave or perform in bed. That or he’s insecure and needs more affirmation that he’s pleasuring you, but that’s a him problem not a you problem.

Well the result is that he's ruined it. You'll always have this in the back of your mind and you won't be able to relax and enjoy. This would give me a massive ick

Men and their bloody demands in bed…
Here’s my advice and it’s worked out well for both of us… help yourself while he’s down there.. orgasm faster, and don’t let him do all the work. Give lots of BJ’s and ask how he likes it, all men are different and once you know the rhythm, pressure etc then you’re away!
PIV the same.. if you’ve already come once, time your PIV orgasm (again, use your fingers on yourself, he won’t mind or even notice!) so you come together.
I’ve had tons of different partners before marriage and the helping yourself method has never let me down.

Any man who you’re having sex with should be intimately acquainted enough for you to tell how you’re feeling. So talk to him.

No, you are not taking too long. Perfectly normal. Put that out of your head or it will take longer!

Nothing wrong with adding a toy or doing something else before and he just finishes you off with oral, but only if you want to as 10 minutes is fine!

As a lesbian, 'pillow princess' isn't a jibe.

That's all. As you were.

I’m with you! I sometimes go down on my partner for an hour. Lots of teasing, slow build up… he returns the favour. Doesn’t just stop the first time i come, which is sometimes longer than ten minutes!

Best fact based answer ive ever received. Thankyou (no i am not been sarcastic)

It’s nice to know I am good enough at something to be able to give tried and tested advice! My mother wouldn’t agree hahaha!

I don’t think it’s the time it’s probably you just laying silently and not engaging with him while he does it… there are loads of ways to engage without performing or faking anything

I wonder if he, like many men, doesn't really believe PIV isn't as pleasurable for you as it is for him?

"Pillow princess" is a resentful jibe, in the circumstances. He's not saying he's hurt by your silence, or worried he's not performing the act well enough. He's implying that you're doing something unfair. That you get more than you're giving.

I'm guessing he thinks, like many men, that penis in vagina is incredibly sexually fulfilling for women. They really can't imagine it doesn't feel as amazing for the woman as it does for them. I wonder if he thinks of clitoral orgasm as some kind of optional extra you're greedily demanding to get every time, when PIV should be enough for you? If you're more active and vocal during PIV, and less responsive to oral, this may confirm his belief that you find PIV more pleasurable.

What a tosser.