“Pillow Princess” jibe unfair?

[Thestoryof]

Been seeing my BF/partner for almost a year. We were talking about keeping things fresh and he said last week that in the spirit of honesty he’d mention that he thought I was a bit of a “pillow princess”.
I thought this meant someone who doesn’t put the effort it in bed. As far as I’m concerned I do. I’m always very well groomed, sometimes dress up for him, have no issue at all going on top and always give him oral as part of foreplay. It’s pretty vanilla generally but I think I’m generous and never expect to receive anything I wouldn’t give back.

He said he meant that he spends ages going down on me whilst I just lie there. There is some truth in that, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Our normal sex involves that for a while (not ages IMO) because that’s how I orgasm. Then afterwards we have PIV so that he gets his.

I kept my upset to myself when he said these things but we have had sex twice since and I secretly timed things to see if he was being mad or I was (maybe I was mad to time things!). On both occasions he went down on me until I came but it was for under ten minutes. We then had PIV for about five minutes until he came, once with him on top the whole time and once with me on top at the end.

Is this “pillow princess” behaviour? It’s not like he’s down there for an hour then I just lie back and think of England.

This!

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my suspicion is that he is getting lazy and is beginning to not want put in the effort for her, but still wants the fun for himself. IME men have been happy to make sure all is good at the start, but then they become lazy, but still want to get their end away.
OP its not your fault that it takes 10 mins. Its perfectly reasonable. If he cant be arsed to give you that time, but is still more than happy to take that time, it may be time for a rethink.
He wouldnt be happy if you decided he only needed 2 mins PIV and then its all over, would he.
The problem is that now he has raised this problem you will probably feel less at ease, you will be worried that its taking too long, and it will become elusive.

If he knows you enjoy it, and its the thing you like the most, then he is being pretty mean tbh. We cant help how our bodies are built.

Nor me! I go down on my partner for longer than that and I'm sure it's the same for me!

Sorry, was meant to reply to @scoobysnaxx

Wtf?? You’re advising she works to speed up her orgasm then focus her attention on him, taking time to figure out what he likes (no mention of doing this quickly, as there is for her) and then she needs to sort herself out while he’s pounding away, noting that he ‘won’t mind or notice’ (ie won’t care) that she’s seeking to orgasm too. Why, just why, would any woman think this is satisfactory?

For me though it's about mutual enjoyment. I don't want to do something sexual that I don't enjoy. I didn't enjoy going down on the guy that was like a statue. I just didn't,it grossed me out and I didn't want to do it. It felt like I was doing something to him that he wasn't into, even though he came and said he was into it, the feedback during just wasn't there and it was weird and uncomfortable. Surely people can see how that may be the case?
There a whole lot of space in between statue and performative porn star to show that you are actually enjoying the intimate moment between you.

See, I just don’t have expectations anymore. I’ve tried waiting and expecting and hoping that one of them will have the patience and selflessness to get me off. But alas no. At least this way I get to come a few times! But I hear you!

Maybe he wants you to sit on his face. I suffocate him while you're there if I were you.

It all sounds horribly formulaic. Is there any real connection between you both?

Not sure what he expects you to do whilst he’s down there….!

What does he do whilst you’re down there on him?!

Honestly sounds like you need to just ask him what he means by it/what he would change and then have a conversation about it. Sounds like he probably doesn’t like the selflessness of going down on you because it’s 10 minutes where he’s not being directly pleasured but that’s selfish behaviour on his part if you don’t climax from penetrative sex

I really agree with this. I would feel uncomfortable.

He'll have been watching too much porn no doubt.

Maybe it’s just the lying there. My DH told me about an ex just lying there like a board and it being really disconcerting so if this is what happens every time it maybe a bit much. Nevertheless ten minutes is not too long! And frankly I celebrate a woman being open and concentrating on her needs. So many of us don’t.

I was starting to think he expected you to writhe around and moan like in a porno, but the more you post, the more it sounds like he sees getting you off as something he needs to get done so he can crack on with PIV and get off himself.

well tell he needs to improve his techniques

i would find it hard to move on from this

I hope he doesn’t see it as a chore. I
would expect any partner to ensure I was satisfied, and that is the only way any man has ever managed to get me there. So that’s what has to happen and I don’t think I’m being unreasonable in expecting it.

On the other hand I would expect to satisfy any partner. If said partner took ten minutes of oral to come and couldn’t in any other way I don’t think I’d complain.

PIV is enjoyable for us both, I hope. It’s not just a means to an end for him. I like it and participate enthusiastically even though I’ve had my orgasm already, partly to maximise his pleasure but also because it feels nice for me too and it’s just a nice thing for a couple to do.

Over and over again on this thread - change it up, mix it up, stop doing what you enjoy, your poor man is getting bored doing this one single thing for less than ten minutes. There's nothing in from the OP as far as I can see that there is any need to do mix or change anything up. All she has said is that her boyfriend seems to resent a sex act because it takes ten minutes. That's it.

A hundred times this. I honestly can't get over the fact other women are perpetuating this idea that she's taking a bit too long. Less. Than. Ten. Minutes.

@Thestoryof

Next time I'd whip out a book and start reading -like the kama sutra for example.

Or have a snack on the bedside table ready to go

No moans or groans or encouragement?

No. They’d be fake moans or groans. God bless the screamers of the world but whilst I can confirm that it feels bloody lovely I’ve never felt the urge to moan.

I don't think you're taking too long at all, from the perspective of someone who has performed oral sex on several women (not at the same time, I hasten to add!), but the lack of noise would be really off-putting for me.

I can understand if you are silent and still that it must not be great for him. Not touching him, hands in his hair, slight movements of your body at all? That does seem weird to me, and if I was giving someone a BJ and they were silent and still I would hate it. I think you need to be a little more enthusiastic during the time he is pleasuring you. I 'm sue this is possible without faking it. But I have no idea how it can feel great yet you lie completely still. Each to their own I guess

To be honest I do think it sounds quite boring. Sounds scripted almost, like you have a set routine of who does what and for how long and in what order. I think I would like spontaneity