“Pillow Princess” jibe unfair?

[Thestoryof]

Been seeing my BF/partner for almost a year. We were talking about keeping things fresh and he said last week that in the spirit of honesty he’d mention that he thought I was a bit of a “pillow princess”.
I thought this meant someone who doesn’t put the effort it in bed. As far as I’m concerned I do. I’m always very well groomed, sometimes dress up for him, have no issue at all going on top and always give him oral as part of foreplay. It’s pretty vanilla generally but I think I’m generous and never expect to receive anything I wouldn’t give back.

He said he meant that he spends ages going down on me whilst I just lie there. There is some truth in that, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Our normal sex involves that for a while (not ages IMO) because that’s how I orgasm. Then afterwards we have PIV so that he gets his.

I kept my upset to myself when he said these things but we have had sex twice since and I secretly timed things to see if he was being mad or I was (maybe I was mad to time things!). On both occasions he went down on me until I came but it was for under ten minutes. We then had PIV for about five minutes until he came, once with him on top the whole time and once with me on top at the end.

Is this “pillow princess” behaviour? It’s not like he’s down there for an hour then I just lie back and think of England.

I don't understand what it is he thinks you should do.

If he’d like to suggest different things in bed, he should do that rather than just calling you a silly name.

Maybe suggest he look up how to improve his oral skills so it doesn't take so long to get you off?

I think you should tell him that it hurt you but you weren't being sure if you were taking ages and then say you have timed the last two times and that's how long it takes. Maybe it feels longer to him and knowing the stat will help. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be giving a blow job for 10 mins straight but maybe I'm ADHD!

I suppose he thinks the PIV is pleasurable for you, if not orgasmic, whereas the oral sex is a bit one directional. Why not spice it up for the next few times and don't do any oral (for either of you), but add in something else, like a vibrator. You may be able to come with that and it could be fun to try something else. Doesn't have to be every time but worth looking at other ways you can get pleasure.

Sorry he seems like a bit of a prat, doesn’t he know female sexual response is not just a quick backwards and forwards
maybe she should get better at pleasuring you !!

So he's not entirely happy with your sex life together. His way of handling that is to call you a silly name, rather than initiate something different or have an adult conversation. That has led you to question your involvement in that sex life and even 'time' the activities. I may have read it all wrong but I think I'd be saying goodbye.

Not the point of the thread but do men generally prefer the woman to be on top ?
You're taking about it which is great OP. Maybe ask him for more detail on what he would like changed ?
I suppose yes ,close to 10 minutes if a long time for either partner to be giving oral.

I sort of get where he’s coming from. I don’t think he’s bad at understanding what I want. I have an orgasm every time. It’s just that, yes, I lie there silently for ten minutes whilst he’s doing that. I just thought that was normal behaviour.

You don't make any kind of noise at all? That is a little weirder

Not really 😦

There might be a ‘Yeah’ or an “I’m gonna come” at the end but nothing before. It’s lovely but I’ve never been a moaner. Maybe just some happy sighs.

Oh god am I weird, being silent and taking far too long? Argh.

What noise do you suggest? Is there some sort of protocol 🤣🤣

Just some general noises of enjoyment! I think I'd be weirded out if my husband stayed completely silent when I gave him oral.

This is running the danger of giving you a complex and could result in you being performative in bed rather than actually enjoying it.
10 minutes is a long time to go down on someone in reality, would be a real shame to stop that as it sounds pleasurable but also sounds like you could change things up? I’d defo recommend introducing some toys.
don’t take this all on yourself to change, you’re in a partnership and need some healthy communication, whilst he’s been clumsy in his approach it could be the start of chats that get you both to a great sex life

I don't think you're being weird or taking too long. If you're not a moaner, you're not a moaner. You shouldn't start faking it.

Maybe you could switch things up a bit and get him to use a vibrator on you, so he's not doing oral for 10 minutes straight.

Is he basically saying he wants you to behave as if you're in porn? Calling you a silly - and incorrect - name is childish. It sounds like he's just annoyed about doing something he doesn't feel he gets any benefit from since you're not performing while he's doing it.

I don't agree that 'changing it up' to your, and only your, detriment is the answer.

Maybe. But I really like it! I no longer own a vibrator but when I have in the past it’s been functional but nowhere near as enjoyable as oral sex.

I think the communication thing is key. I don’t want him thinking I’m selfish. I don’t want to be selfish! I honestly thought I wasn’t taking an unreasonable amount of time or behaving oddly. Maybe I am.

I agree with PP in that women’s orgasms are more complex and you shouldn’t have to perform like a porn star.

Honestly though, I’d say oral sex for 10 minutes every time while you lie there silently does sound like a) quite a long time and b) potentially quite boring for him. I wouldn’t want to give a silent blow job for 10 minutes every time we had sex.

I know you say you like it but is there anything you can do to get you closer before he gives you oral? Or maybe not doing it each time?

It’s great you’re both open to talking but he needs to knock off the silly names or else it’ll destroy your confidence and potentially your relationship, ultimately.

I am the same, I don't make a lot of noise usually until the very end, but I do try to interact with him like looking him in the eyes from time to time or brushing his hair :)

Do you just lie, almost motionless and silent for 10 minutes? Maybe wriggle a bit, and try 69 so hes not bored for 10 minutes 😂

You don't have to be a moaner, but are you literally just lying there still and silent for most of the 10 minutes? I can see why that might be a bit disconcerting

I dislike the way he told you, but maybe he just needs some feedback/interaction from you in those 10 minutes, even if it's noise-free (hair touch, eye contact etc etc). Or if that's really not you, just tell him how much you enjoy it afterwards so he's not left wondering!

Jaysus woman if you're going to sleep with him you should be able to have a proper conversation with him! Discuss it another time, not in the middle of an argument, have a couple of glasses of wine together, and discuss what both of you would like/need? Make sure it stays non-accusatory, start by saying what you like that he does, so it feels like a positive conversation, then see what he says?

Is it just me who doesn’t think 10 minutes is that long? 😂

Obviously no one wants to feel like they’re in bed with a statue but I used to find it far more intense if I kept the (fake) noises down. A genuine moan here and there yes, but if I had to put on a concert then I couldn’t come.

Silently?

It's bloody ages, I would orgasm in less than a minute this way and once I have my brain switches off and I can't bare to be touched anymore. If my partner took ten minutes I would think he was really bad at it. But maybe I have a lot of nerve endings or something.