“Pillow Princess” jibe unfair?

[Thestoryof]

Been seeing my BF/partner for almost a year. We were talking about keeping things fresh and he said last week that in the spirit of honesty he’d mention that he thought I was a bit of a “pillow princess”.
I thought this meant someone who doesn’t put the effort it in bed. As far as I’m concerned I do. I’m always very well groomed, sometimes dress up for him, have no issue at all going on top and always give him oral as part of foreplay. It’s pretty vanilla generally but I think I’m generous and never expect to receive anything I wouldn’t give back.

He said he meant that he spends ages going down on me whilst I just lie there. There is some truth in that, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Our normal sex involves that for a while (not ages IMO) because that’s how I orgasm. Then afterwards we have PIV so that he gets his.

I kept my upset to myself when he said these things but we have had sex twice since and I secretly timed things to see if he was being mad or I was (maybe I was mad to time things!). On both occasions he went down on me until I came but it was for under ten minutes. We then had PIV for about five minutes until he came, once with him on top the whole time and once with me on top at the end.

Is this “pillow princess” behaviour? It’s not like he’s down there for an hour then I just lie back and think of England.

Hi OP, I think you are worrying about the wrong stuff. 10 mins is fine. However, there are a few dynamics here that may be worth looking at and being open to rethinking.

first, it sounds like it’s all a bit routine and automatic- maybe try mixing it up.

and yes, if sex always starts with you getting your 10 minutes, lying passively until you come, I can see that feeling like a bit of a chore. Do you need to always get that first?

then you sound strangely disconnected from the actual sex. Sex ideally would feel mutually enjoyable. Perhaps if you’ve come already then your excitement level is pretty low and it all sounds like it gets transactional - like, yes you’ll do different positions, but it’s basically for him so he comes quickly knowing that, and you are already basically done. It doesn’t sound that satisfying for either of you.

My DH and I got into a bit of a routine at one point- always starting with oral for him, then sex, and finishing him off. Then if I wanted it (and often I didnt because Id be tired) oral for me. It wasn’t his intention but it all started feeling very routine and a bit unfair.

I’d mix it up. Maybe he can go down on you to get you turned on but for a shorter time then you have sex that feels more exciting and mutual, then he can finish you if you like…. Or you start with oral on him, then sex, then oral on you…do something to surprise yourself - eg initiate in a different room in the house or at a different time or starting with a different configuration.. or whatever….

right now, your routine does sound a bit disconnected - like you passively receive yours then basically check out a bit?

The most important thing is don’t go into a spiral of self doubt or defensiveness. Take this as an opportunity to have a fun, sexy brainstorm with your partner. What would he love to experience sometimes? What would you? Have some fun!

I don't agree. Straight couples adopting a defined term and misapplying doesn't change its correct usage.

Stage management time: A few moans to show appreciation, perhaps directions like ooh yes; there, or that's really nice! Practice the sincerity a bit by yourself. It will add fun to those times as well..
Exit Stage Left, pursued by bear.

Me either! My DH regularly puts in a 20 minute shift without complaint. It apparently takes women 15 minutes on average through oral, so if anything OP’s boyfriend is getting off lightly!

OP, you don’t have to do anything other than what feels good for you. Some women are performative and wail the house down to make their partner feel like a sex god. Like you, I prefer to keep quiet and concentrate on enjoying the sensations. You’re not doing anything wrong. Too many men expect us to behave like porn actresses. It seems that nobody has told them that porn is to sex what WWE is to wrestling (ie. completely staged, way over-the-top and not real).

Certainly fake moans are out, but the occasional "Mmmmm" or "Yes!" wouldn't hurt, surely? OP might find that increases her own enjoyment anyway.

I just want to say (as a lesbian) that 10 minutes of pleasurable cunnilingus is not at all a long time! There are loads of ways of sensing your partner’s pleasure, like, quickened breathing, her wetness, subtle body responses that indicate she wants you to continue. Personally, going down on my girlfriend is a massive turn on and I agree with PP that it’s important to not take too much to heart what other people are commenting about what’s ’normal’ because a sexual interaction is more about the two people involved than randoms on the internet. And it’s REALLY important that you don’t internalise comments on what’s normal, as there being something wrong with your sexual response or behaviour. Please try not to become performative. That time when you are receiving pleasure is purely about you, and it’s up to your partner to deal with whatever his insecurities are that require you to focus your attentions on him when he’s doing that, rather than focusing purely inwards on your pleasure. There is nothing wrong with you, I think a frank conversation is required where you let him know that it’s not up to you to make him feel good while he’s pleasuring you!!

I had a boyfriend who was silent and not very animated in the bedroom and tbh it was quite disconcerting. To me sex is a two way thing and part of the fun of it is receiving physical feedback, heavy breathing, some movement, a gasp, a moan, something. I don't think I would be too keen to give oral for 10mins to a statue, it would completely cool down the moment for me and make it feel like a job rather than something more mutual. I don't expect partners to put on a great display but usually there is some kind of physical response when a person is feeling it.

Agree with this. I used to be really quiet but then I put the effort into being a little more vocal and it does increase the enjoyment.

I've seen it be quite an unpopular opinion on Mumsnet a few times though. You get accused of performing for men and playing into porn fantasies. I don't think making some noises to show you're enjoying yourself = pornstar though.

Straddle his face OP! He gets a nice lie down and it’s a bit sexier for both of you (IMO) than the awkward angle of you lying and him straining his neck for 10 minutes.

Absolutely this!

It’s like the tennis players who grunt! Doesn’t it actually help their serve? Probably not, but it likely makes them feel like they’re giving it more oomph!

It's not weird. We are all different.

The female orgasm can be tricky and elusive. If someone enjoys things and manages to orgasm by being quiet then that is absolutely fine.

We aren't porn stars and oral is the one time in sex when it should be just about the person letting go and enjoying what is happening without it being analysed.

It's normal to make loads of noise and it's normal to make no noise.

It's normal to take 2 minutes to orgasm and it's normal to take far longer than that.

I think it is so unhealthy when people (especially men) put expectations on partners based on either previous sexual experiences or from porn.

Intimacy should be about the journey and connecting and pleasure... It sounds like OP makes lots of effort. She shouldn't feel bad just because she doesn't moan and groan to his satisfaction

What you've described isn't a pillow princess- it would have been typically used to describe a lesbian who would lay there, receive pleasure, and have no interest in returning it. If you are both engaging in giving sexual pleasure then you are not a pillow princess.

I also don't agree with the PP who said that not making noise is 'weird'- I make a lot of noise but doesn't mean everyone does, we're all different.

As a bi woman (the kind who was married to a woman for years) I’d say there are a number of men who do want something like a pillow princess. They do often do PIV which is a definite modification. I generally say my husband wants a princess though.

I think sex should never be talked about critically.

I think accusing someone of being a ‘pillow princess’ isn’t nice at all. Who wants sex if you feel you are being marked on your performance?

But you should be able to talk about it positively and encouragingly-like ‘I would really enjoy this’ or ‘can you do this rather than that’.

I do think some positive noises make it a lot more fun and arousing but, equally, if silence is the most exciting for you-being in your own head space-there is room for compromise.

He is a Pillock Prince

OP, you may not be compatible or maybe he wants to do other things during “he can do pretty much anything when after” or some other things before going down on you/mix up the order of operations. He really shouldn’t be using any term in a derogatory way ESPECIALLY about sex. Up to you if you decide to talk it over.

I think 10 minutes of oral is quite a long time, especially in silence - maybe think of changing it up slightly (not everytime). I would suggest get a bullet type vibrator and use it on your clit as you sit on his face. Then you still get oral but the combination of tongue and vibrations will probably get you off quicker. You could also try using it when he's inside you for similar stimulation and he'd probably love feeling you come around him

Ten minutes... you could get the online shopping done.

A pillow princess is a lesbian term for someone who receives but doesn't give. You aren't a pillow princess you are just a woman receiving oral.

He's getting a Bj and Piv sex, different positions. You are giving plenty. It says a lot that he thinks the 10 minutes of oral he gives makes you a pillow princess.

I think if it takes you 10 minutes of oral and you are generally fairly silent then that's just you, some women take time. Personally I dont think it's up to you to put more effort in during oral or perform for him. There are plenty of things he can do to make this time more varied

Jesus Christ does he realise you’re not battery operated! This sort of shit is guaranteed to make you take longer because you’ll get in your head and then it won’t happen at all! What is he expecting you to do? Install a timer and go ‘ping’ when time’s up?

It sounds more like you are great in bed and he isn't.

Please don't internalise what's "normal" OP. Whether the length of time, or you being silent, it's normal for you and you can't and shouldn't change that, especially if pretending and being performative makes you uncomfortable.

He said he meant that he spends ages going down on me whilst I just lie there... Our normal sex involves that for a while (not ages IMO) because that’s how I orgasm. Then afterwards we have PIV so that he gets his.

Can you ask him to, rather than call you a name and complain, actually say what he would like to change? Because if his answer is some version of you not getting off, or if he tells you he doesn't enjoy giving oral after all then obviously this is a dead end. If he wants things to be different then the onus is on him to think about and express how they can be, rather than give you a complex around sex.

Always thought this was a LGB term for women who receive but don’t reciprocate? Only context I’ve ever heard it.

It’s a bit harsh when you’re telling him openly you’re enjoying his attentions and are willing to fully participate in other stuff. Maybe his head is pornified and thinks you should be lying there panting and writhing and cooing. As
to time, surely it takes as long as it takes? Ten minutes seems fine, if he is getting fed up he doesn’t have to bloody do it. Sounds like he’s making you insecure which is not the hallmark of a great lover!

I thought it was going to be about a woman who likes to sleep a lot

Bit weird how you just lie still and silent like a corpse.

Bit weird that he won't learn how to get you off with PIV. Foreplay is great by surely you want to experience mutual climax from PIV?