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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I'm about to be dumped...

226 replies

passionfruitfriday · 22/06/2025 19:08

I've been dating a chap for a couple of months and I know I'm about to be dumped, probably by text.
I'm not in wracking sobs. Maybe a bit sad, but there we go.
SO..... what's the best way to respond to a break up text? Silent treatment? A certain phrase? I'm curious.
The last break up was my marriage and I went hell for leather with the spiteful comments! LOL!

OP posts:
EveryOtherNameTaken · 23/06/2025 07:15

PopeJoan2 · 23/06/2025 01:05

This is really odd, op. Youn broke up
with someone on the advice of a few strangers without even having a conversation with him? Wow.

My thoughts too.

Original poster
passionfruitfriday · 23/06/2025 07:20

It was 3 months of a really lovely, quite intense relationship. The issue was, he was freshly out of a long relationship and seems to be a people pleaser. Ex and he decided they still have lots to talk through, hence why I thought they may get back together yesterday. They didn't, but they are meeting up again soon for more talks. Personally, I wonder why he'd go back (if he does) but that's not for me to say.
I decided to end it due to the "she still wants to discuss things with me" comment. I'm not being someone's second choice.

OP posts:
BotDranning · 23/06/2025 07:25

You did the right thing. I suspect he may contact you in a few weeks/months. Just be very careful. Good luck.

nwsw · 23/06/2025 07:29

Dump him first

palmleafsinwinter · 23/06/2025 07:52

Good for you OP! You’ve removed the security blanket of you being there waiting in the wings if things don’t go well with the ex. If there’s still things for them to be discussing, then there’s unfinished business and neither have moved on and shouldn’t be in relationships!

Be prepared, that the likelihood is he’ll be back in contact at some point when things don’t work out. Don’t go back. You say he’s a people pleaser, but he’s selfish and weak because he didn’t care about pleasing you and focusing on you and your relationship.

Be proud of yourself for showing such self respect x

RaspberryPavlovaPlease · 23/06/2025 07:53

passionfruitfriday · 23/06/2025 07:20

It was 3 months of a really lovely, quite intense relationship. The issue was, he was freshly out of a long relationship and seems to be a people pleaser. Ex and he decided they still have lots to talk through, hence why I thought they may get back together yesterday. They didn't, but they are meeting up again soon for more talks. Personally, I wonder why he'd go back (if he does) but that's not for me to say.
I decided to end it due to the "she still wants to discuss things with me" comment. I'm not being someone's second choice.

@passionfruitfriday It all depends what their relationship was surely? If they were married for years or had lived together/ had children, I can understand that they might want to discuss what went wrong. Just for 'closure' or to clear the air.

Did she dump him? Sounds as if he did it.

Many years ago my fiance ended our engagement and I asked to see him to talk over why he changed his mind as I was baffled. It was never with the idea of getting him back. I just needed to understand.

So I don't think you should have automatically jumped to you being '2nd choice'.
Unless you were sure he wasn't over her and wanted a reconciliation. Maybe he's a kind and thoughtful person who says 'Ok I'll talk to you about why I left but I'm seeing someone new now.'

If there is something to be learned here it's tread carefully with anyone out of a long term relationship.

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 23/06/2025 08:18

CalmDownKaren · 22/06/2025 21:41

Absolutely 100% agree with this. Nothing says “fuck you” like a good ole thumb emoji 😂

Show quote history

This. I would go for the thumbs up and maybe even a smiley to go with.

AllTheTreesOfTheField · 23/06/2025 08:27

Yes, he'd either get back with his ex, or you'd become a free counsellor and shoulder to cry on while he droned on about his former relationship.

sameshizz · 23/06/2025 08:28

You did right op . He should have had these talks with his ex before embarking on another relationship . I wouldn’t feel very uncomfortable if someone I was seeing was having these meet ups with their ex. That should all be done and dusted and you shouldn’t have to sit around waiting and wondering what’s going on .

merrymelody · 23/06/2025 08:53

You could say, “So glad you called it! You’re a great person but I don’t think we’re that compatible.”

RaspberryPavlovaPlease · 23/06/2025 08:55

sameshizz · 23/06/2025 08:28

You did right op . He should have had these talks with his ex before embarking on another relationship . I wouldn’t feel very uncomfortable if someone I was seeing was having these meet ups with their ex. That should all be done and dusted and you shouldn’t have to sit around waiting and wondering what’s going on .

Edited

But not everyone is like you and there isn't just one way of doing things.

I don't think anyone who's 3 months into a relationship can expect their boyfriend to erase their past, if their ex asks for a conversation.

We don't have the details but if this was a significant ex (years) and she wanted to 'talk' some people would say this man is being kind and thoughtful to at least tell her it's really over and how she needs to accept that.

But there is clearly a limit to the number of these meetings and whether he is still emotionally invested.

I see OP's point but she's actually coming over as insecure and expecting a lot after a few weeks in. Seeing his ex for a chat doesn't mean he's going to rekindle it does it?

If it's clear he's pining after the ex, that's different. But if he's being a decent bloke and trying to soften the break up with the ex, that's not the same thing.

She calls him a 'people pleaser' but someone else might say he was kind and thoughtful- depends if he's happy to be out of the relationship with the ex or not.

At least he's been honest and isn't sneaking to see her without telling her.

Alondra · 23/06/2025 08:57

You did great OP. You had a fun relationship with him for a couple of months but he needed to explore the end of the relationship with his ex, which means he was not over it. Even if they are not back together, he still has unresolved feelings for her and won't be ready for a healthy relationship until he's dealt with the baggage.

Well done.

RaspberryPavlovaPlease · 23/06/2025 08:59

Alondra · 23/06/2025 08:57

You did great OP. You had a fun relationship with him for a couple of months but he needed to explore the end of the relationship with his ex, which means he was not over it. Even if they are not back together, he still has unresolved feelings for her and won't be ready for a healthy relationship until he's dealt with the baggage.

Well done.

Does it say he has unresolved feelings for the ex, or is it the ex who needs the chat with him?

Rosscameasdoody · 23/06/2025 09:03

RaspberryPavlovaPlease · 23/06/2025 08:55

But not everyone is like you and there isn't just one way of doing things.

I don't think anyone who's 3 months into a relationship can expect their boyfriend to erase their past, if their ex asks for a conversation.

We don't have the details but if this was a significant ex (years) and she wanted to 'talk' some people would say this man is being kind and thoughtful to at least tell her it's really over and how she needs to accept that.

But there is clearly a limit to the number of these meetings and whether he is still emotionally invested.

I see OP's point but she's actually coming over as insecure and expecting a lot after a few weeks in. Seeing his ex for a chat doesn't mean he's going to rekindle it does it?

If it's clear he's pining after the ex, that's different. But if he's being a decent bloke and trying to soften the break up with the ex, that's not the same thing.

She calls him a 'people pleaser' but someone else might say he was kind and thoughtful- depends if he's happy to be out of the relationship with the ex or not.

At least he's been honest and isn't sneaking to see her without telling her.

Edited
Show quote history

I think needing more than one meeting is a red flag. They are ex’s for a reason - several meet ups for discussions doesn’t say getting closure to me. More like they’re deciding whether or not it’s on again and he’s stringing OP along until he’s made his choice.

Alondra · 23/06/2025 09:08

RaspberryPavlovaPlease

If he had turned an emotional page, he wouldn't have met with the ex to talk about "past relationship issues", specially when he was dating the OP.

Fecklessfrog · 23/06/2025 09:13

passionfruitfriday · 23/06/2025 07:20

It was 3 months of a really lovely, quite intense relationship. The issue was, he was freshly out of a long relationship and seems to be a people pleaser. Ex and he decided they still have lots to talk through, hence why I thought they may get back together yesterday. They didn't, but they are meeting up again soon for more talks. Personally, I wonder why he'd go back (if he does) but that's not for me to say.
I decided to end it due to the "she still wants to discuss things with me" comment. I'm not being someone's second choice.

Good for you OP! Respect!

Anzena · 23/06/2025 09:17

"Same here, all the best"

Wishimaywishimight · 23/06/2025 09:21

"I agree, it wasn't going anywhere. Fun for a while though 🙂".

mrmr1 · 23/06/2025 09:26

Dump him first. saves him a job.

RaspberryPavlovaPlease · 23/06/2025 09:30

I guess it all depends.

We don't know his side.

I'm not defending his behaviour 100%, I'm just saying there are cases where the ex wouldn't be seen as a 'threat'. Only the OP knows the situation.

To be fair, it's not a good idea to get too involved and 'intense' as OP says, 2 months in (she says it's 2 months then 3 months...) when the guy is straight out of long term relationship.

It's likely to be too early for him to process it all, be on his own for a bit, and clear his own head, irrespective of the ex wanting to talk it all over.

MascaraGirl · 23/06/2025 10:16

I think needing more than one meeting is a red flag. They are ex’s for a reason - several meet ups for discussions doesn’t say getting closure to me. More like they’re deciding whether or not it’s on again and he’s stringing OP along until he’s made his choice.

I agree. One "closure" chat is ok-ish, but any more, and they're on the brink of being back together, surely?

Ontherocksthisyear · 23/06/2025 11:08

'No worries (insert name, which isn't his name), wishing you the best.... '

He'll be wondering and mift about who else you've been seeing, and probably reply with, 'This is Greg'

Then you simply say, 'oh gosh, Greg, I'm sorry. Wishing you the best! 👍'

MascaraGirl · 23/06/2025 11:20

MascaraGirl · 23/06/2025 10:16

I think needing more than one meeting is a red flag. They are ex’s for a reason - several meet ups for discussions doesn’t say getting closure to me. More like they’re deciding whether or not it’s on again and he’s stringing OP along until he’s made his choice.

I agree. One "closure" chat is ok-ish, but any more, and they're on the brink of being back together, surely?

I know its probably bad form to quote your own post, but on reflection, I don't think even one 'closure' chat is a great idea?

ZoeCM · 23/06/2025 12:08

OP, you dealt with this very well. Be kind to yourself. Just because the relationship was short, it doesn't mean the end isn't painful. I'm glad you didn't go with any of the passive-aggressive suggestions on this thread - that would have made you look a bit mental!

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 23/06/2025 12:38

He jumped into a rebound, 2/3 months is early and an understandable time to be still talking about their breakup.

That's why it was intense, as he was trying to bury the pain from the break-up.

He's not ready for a new relationship, maybe something casual, but that's for someone else OP.
Like you said, don't be second choice.

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