Suspicious of neighbours behaviour towards my DH

[Stace88]

The couple who lived next door to us when we moved in broke up a few months ago and the man has since moved out.

The woman who lives there rarely spoke with us before but since breaking up is always chatting to my DH when she sees him. I can be stood next to him and she doesn’t look at me and aims any conversation towards him. She also refers to him by his name but doesn’t ever say mine.

That alone isn’t what my post is for. In the last couple of weeks she has made comments to DH - she saw him get back from the gym and asked him if he’d be her personal trainer (note - DH isn’t in bad shape but is a once a week gym goer and certainly isn’t a PT!). DH politely replied and she said she hasn’t had any workouts since becoming single and added ‘if you know what I mean’ with a laugh - fairly obvious what she was insinuating.

Yesterday, I was out all afternoon for a friends’ baby shower so my car wasn’t on the drive. DH told me he was pottering in the garden when our neighbour called his name over the fence and asked if he could help her with moving something in her garden which was too heavy for her, DH said yes and she told him to go down the side gate.

When DH went round she was wearing a bikini and in his words had clearly not been doing any gardening. He moved a pot at her request and then she asked where I (“your missus”) was. DH said I was out for the afternoon and she then asked if he fancied having a drink with her in her garden. DH politely made his excuses and came home.

I trust DH completely but feel like our neighbour is starting to stray into CF territory and I worry what her intentions are. DH thinks I’m being silly. Do you see where I’m coming from?

Oh I would be speaking to her now without a doubt. Trying to make out she's crazy and not to be believed? That's textbook.

So it’s gone from you “being silly” to her asking him inappropriate questions about your sex life whilst having a drink with him?

He’s already lied to you a lot about this. I would not be surprised if he is cheating. I don’t think her comments have come from nowhere. Do you have a Ring doorbell or similar that could potentially have caught some of the comments? Could be why he has told you if so.

He has apologised profusely and told me that he thinks she is not the full ticket and will likely twist things so I shouldn’t believe a word she says.

Oh dear. This is bad.

So he wants you to ignore anything she says? That's very interesting isn't it.

Ah the old chestnut of an unhinged woman and 'not believing a word she says'! Unfortunately, that more or less says there's more to tell, and he's still shitting a brick that Mrs Unhinged might spill the beans! She's no more unhinged than you or I. Ensnaring your husband has given her a confidence boost, and made her feel attractive again after her husband left. Your husband is the idiot here, he knew perfectly well what her agenda is, right from the start and he's walked straight into it. She's your neighbour, you can't avoid her, and living next door knowing your husband has been up to God knows what with her is going to be bloody difficult. I'd have to move, if there was any chance of the marriage being salvaged. There's definitely more he's not telling, and before you can go forward he has to be honest.

I definitely would be having a conversation with her now about exactly what happened when she invited him in for a drink wearing a bikini.

He has already lied.
You won't have any peace till you do.
Calling her crazy is textbook stuff.
Twat.

Unfortunately now he has lied to protect himself from his own behaviour he has shown himself not to be trustworthy.

His latest version is not the whole story. In his version he still hasn’t done anything wrong so why the need to lie? Would you have been that upset at him for accepting a drink after doing a favour for a neighbour? According to him she did all the talking. It makes no sense to lie to your wife about a situation you accept was wholly inappropriate and apparently he walked into innocently.

He’s still terrified of you talking to her because he knows there is more to it. I doubt she would tell you the truth because she wants it to continue but clearly his guilt is making him paranoid. I would push him again. Tell him you spoke to her and does he want to tell you the full story. Tell him you want to hear his version before you will tell him hers.

Watch the trickle truthing start. She tried to kiss me I pushed her away. Well I was a bit drunk and it may have lasted a few seconds. She put her hands in my shorts and I pushed her away. Well I may have let her finish me off but then I knew how wrong it was….etc etc.

Bollocks, something more happened. It’ll be the drip effect - he left quickly, oh actually he did stay for a drink, ok it was just a quick kiss, no actually this did happen but I really regret it…making out she’s crazy in case she drops any hints to you that he’s done something. Wake up!

You’re only getting his side of the story and he wants you to believe what he’s saying. Sadly men lie.
Do either of you have any cctv, ring cameras etc or the neighbour in the garden where they had a drink?? I
you never know it might not even be her coming onto him?! As a woman I don’t think I’d be so brazen!! It could be a cover story so you can blame it all on her! You don’t know what he’s been saying to her or telling her about you.

No we don’t have any cameras or ring doorbell.

Stopping short of confronting her myself I don’t know what else I am going to find out as DH keen to draw a line under it and assures me he is being truthful.

I do understand the suspicion on here about what he has said about ‘not believing’ her though so will be interesting to see if she says anything when next bump into her.

Why not tell him you have spoken to her and give him ‘one last chance to be honest.’? His reaction will tell you if there is more.

Can you really just move on and forget this when his behaviour suggests he’s still not being truthful?

She won’t say anything. Like I said he’s paranoid because of his guilt. He is likely going to tell you more to keep control of the narrative if he thinks she has said something.

You don’t need to say much just let him do the talking. Don’t feel bad about misleading him since that’s what he’s been doing to you.

I think I will do this, my best friend has suggested similar and that his reaction will be telling. The fact he blurted something out in the first place suggests some level of guilt - I just don’t know about what.

I would absolutely say nothing at all, be polite to her and certainly don't show any insecurities. I wouldn't say anything to her, certainly not on behalf of your 'silly' DH. Is he really that dim. let it play out and let him embarrass himself. If he is interested then he is clearly not the one for you!

Deffo tell him you had an interesting chat with the neighbour.

Him telling you a sanitised version of their interactions and asking if you have spoken to her screams guilty. But you can use his guilt to get to the truth. You need to use silence (only say what you have planned and don’t get into any discussions outside of this) and use certain lines to lead him to the truth. Play on the fact that this is probably causing him lots of anxiety still. He will want to be honest so he can stop these feelings but he’s worried about the repercussions.

Be calm and say things like

’the trust is pretty much broken with your lies so you might as well tell me the full truth as there is no moving on without it. At least that way you don’t have to fear what is to come.’

’I know you to be an honest man which is why this situation is so hard because if I value honesty above all.’

’I know you don’t want this to carry on and neither do I so help me understand what happened.’

If he is adamant that nothing has happened. Ask him
’Did you know she has cameras at her house?’ And walk away.

I don’t think you can believe what either of them say. I think you need to approach this through another person - do you know someone who is close to your neighbour but also you can trust or someone your dh will open up to who is also loyal to you?

As a guy my gut tells me this is a classic case of a guy telling half truths.

I honestly suspect at this point he’s only had a drink with the neighbour. However, he was omitted this most likely because he revealed she was in a bikini.

Had he said to OP he went round at neighbours request, moved some stuff and sat and had a drink before returning home then OP could hardly complain. Nothing wrong with having a friendly drink in the garden with a neighbour (newly single or not). Even if she has gave him some compliments so far.

However, after revealing to OP she had been in a bikini (most likely he let it slip in convo to OP), then all of a sudden a drink in the garden becomes inappropriate.

He likely omitted the drink info at first because he knew it was wrong and on reflection has panicked incase neighbour was like ‘ooh we sat and had a drink and after in the garden the other day’ and is now on the back foot.

I don’t think DH has cheated as other implied. However, DH is in the wrong for having a drink in inappropriate circumstances and needs to address his behaviour for OP to rebuild the trust.

Inside he’ll he kicking himself for revealing the bikini info because the neighbour was hardly going to say ‘DH was over having a drink whilst I chilled in my bikini’. He’ll either reflect and adjust his behaviour or he’ll make a mental note to censor himself before he talks in future.

@Kubricklayer what’s your take on him not wanting op to talk to the neighbour and saying that is because she’s crazy and will twist things?

Why based on the scenario you have described would he be so adamant that she would make something up or reveal something he hasn’t already told her?

I suspect most likely the conversation was flirtatious both ways. He's probably rationalised in his head that it's harmless as it's not going further from his side.

And under certain circumstances we all have a harmless flirt from time to time. Be that a slightly risque joke that someone tells, followed by a witty innuendo. That can be harmless and of no threat or disrespect to our relationship.

However, a drink and flirt with someone sitting in a bikini in their garden is overstepping that boundary.

I suspect he's worried in case the neighbour reveals some of chat. For example, she could have mentioned about the gym and maybe he flirted back about helping her out. With no real intention but perhaps caught up in the flirty moment.

Again not justfying any way DH behaviour. I just think based on the evidence that my gut impression is DH has been inappropriately flirty as opposed to having full on pumped her (not to be too vulgar).

Also you say he might be kicking himself for mentioning the bikini, but he has also told OP of all the inappropriate conversations and comments- what's your take on that? Why disclose that to OP?

@Kubricklayer I agree that it’s probably because he has said things, that in the cold light of day, he regrets. Maybe talked negatively about OP and their sex life or made complimentary comments to the neighbour and realises how bad it would sound if she told Op. BUT the problem is he has lied so he’s shot himself in the foot because the truth could also be a LOT worse. He has been telling OP about her predatory actions for a while. Building the narrative he’s the innocent one so that anything to the contrary can be portrayed as this woman being so enamoured with him she’s willing to lie to destroy their marriage.

There is a very real possibility that he has read into her comments as flirty but she was being friendly. He invited himself over for a drink and she rejected his advances and now he’s on the back peddle trying to re-write the narrative. Would explain why he would be so worried she might ‘twist’ something.

The issue is either of these could be true. What isn’t true is his current version where he did nothing wrong but accept a drink and make small talk before leaving because he was uncomfortable.

Because OP is supicious and needs answers from DH that will satsify those suspicions.

If he metioned helping the nighbour out the OP will naturally ask what the neighbour was talking to him about. If he lied and said she talked about clearly normal mundane stuff no way would OP believe that, because she has witnessed first hand the nature of how the neighbour talks to DH.

if he said we talked about weather, TV etc OP would not believe this and would increase the pressure on DH and escalate her actions (i.e. go talk to neighbour in person). DH is aware of this.

So DH optimum course of action at the time was to reveal half the truth.The flirty way she was talking etc as OP would believe that and possibly relent on quizzing DH. It also limits the level of bollocking OP gives DH hence why I say his optimum course of action.

If he revealed the complete truth which was they were both flirting and having a drink etc OP may have gave DH an extreme telling off. DH obviously wants to avoid this. DH opted for the half truth and a smaller telling off, hoping he could control revelation of the remaining truth and a further telling offf.

Again just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Of course he is keen to draw a line under it. Come on! He's lied more than once, it's his own fault you don't trust him.

Tell her she can have him if she tells you the truth about what has happened.

"She's not the full ticket" If this isn't a classic case of a man making a woman out to be crazy so no one listens to anything she says, I don't know what is. He's laying the groundwork for you to dismiss anything she tells you, OP.

It's irrelevant now but before your DH's lying came to light, I thought YABU with the whole "I'll have to have a word with her if he won't". Her behaviour isn't yours to control, and you can't expect to be able to control it. The situation is resolved by your husband (if he was telling the truth about the situation) asserting boundaries and refusing to engage, not you trying to change her behaviour.

Note to your DH. You are not 'out for the afternoon'. You are on your way back from ... and will be home any minute now. Always.