Suspicious of neighbours behaviour towards my DH

[Stace88]

The couple who lived next door to us when we moved in broke up a few months ago and the man has since moved out.

The woman who lives there rarely spoke with us before but since breaking up is always chatting to my DH when she sees him. I can be stood next to him and she doesn’t look at me and aims any conversation towards him. She also refers to him by his name but doesn’t ever say mine.

That alone isn’t what my post is for. In the last couple of weeks she has made comments to DH - she saw him get back from the gym and asked him if he’d be her personal trainer (note - DH isn’t in bad shape but is a once a week gym goer and certainly isn’t a PT!). DH politely replied and she said she hasn’t had any workouts since becoming single and added ‘if you know what I mean’ with a laugh - fairly obvious what she was insinuating.

Yesterday, I was out all afternoon for a friends’ baby shower so my car wasn’t on the drive. DH told me he was pottering in the garden when our neighbour called his name over the fence and asked if he could help her with moving something in her garden which was too heavy for her, DH said yes and she told him to go down the side gate.

When DH went round she was wearing a bikini and in his words had clearly not been doing any gardening. He moved a pot at her request and then she asked where I (“your missus”) was. DH said I was out for the afternoon and she then asked if he fancied having a drink with her in her garden. DH politely made his excuses and came home.

I trust DH completely but feel like our neighbour is starting to stray into CF territory and I worry what her intentions are. DH thinks I’m being silly. Do you see where I’m coming from?

Sadly people quite often go with the narrative that presents themselves in the best light. Especially when there are no or few witnesses to counter that narrative.

As you say this is very dangerous ground relationship wise because the potential alternatives to the truth could be quite extreme (i.e. cheating, relationship ending).

What most people should realise is choosing the truth is actually the easiest path to an easy life. Accepting responsibility and taking a telling off or whatever but preserving the trust in a relationship is far better than drip feeding half truths in the pursuit of a lighter telling off. As these sow the seeds for doubt, paranoia and complete brekadown of trust.

So he's lied already, no doubt he's done something with her. He's trying to minimise.

She was on the hunt. He was her prey. He was lured in, probably flattered, then realised where it was going and became scared. He was probably doubly scared due to realising how it would look. She knew what she was doing but it took him a while to cotton on.

He was the innocent but made to be a fool and to look weak. He didn't do anything but was wise enough to realise too that the predator would put a spin on things, probably in her hope you would kick him in her direction.

Don't play her game! If he thinks anything of you and cares for your relationship, it must come from him to never acknowledge her again. Don't let her think she has any influence or leverage or power. The only thing I'd perhaps say to her, if the opportunity arose, is to laugh and say how, when he told you, he nearly wet his pants from being so scared at her laughable and obvious efforts to seduce him like something from a Carry On film - and do not hang around for a response.

To him I'd say thank you for being honest and you can see why she'd fancy him, or to try and pull any other man to prove to herself that she's still attractive and to replace the man that's gone. He was just convenient and easy. I'd also say that he's free to make his own life choices, but, be clear, if EVER he made the wrong choice to be unfaithful, the consequence would be the end of the relationship.

What @FirstNationsEnglish says makes a lot of sense.

There are elements of OPs description of events that remind me of Fatal Attraction.

@Greenfields20 @FirstNationsEnglish

I’m sure this narrative is exactly what her H is hoping to portray. The fact he can lie and minimise the situation shows he’s not completely ‘innocent’ or a ‘fool’.

OP has picked up on bad vibes from this woman and perhaps she is some deranged man eater who lures men, who have never given cause for her suspect they are interested, into her garden for her to pounce.

However the truth is usually much more nuanced. He knew she has been flirting. He has likely been enjoying it and flirting back. Whatever happened when OP was out has crossed some line and he’s terrified that she is going to say something. Whether that line was crossed with words or actions is still unclear.

Whilst OP has witnessed the woman talking to her husband and not addressing her, everything else has come from his mouth. She has no idea what their dynamic really is and now that he’s lied to her face and categorically told her he turned down the drink when he knows that’s not what happened, shows that none of his other interpretations of events can be trusted.

@OchreRaven I hear what you are saying, but the beauty of a message board is the diversity of perspectives it brings. Having witnessed predatory behaviour from women, I don't rush to assume their weak male prey are complicit—at least not initially.

Sounds lke something has definitely been going on with the pair of them! Especially when he says she could twist things. They're both a pair of liars and I would not be putting up with that shit anymore!

No one knows the truth apart from the two people involved. Highly likely DH is not innocent but doesn't stop me from being reminded of fatal attraction as another possibility. Plenty women go after taken men.

The whole ‘she’s crazy, don’t believe what she says’ is SCREAMING that there’s more than what he’s telling you. Something has happened and he’s scared shitless about it coming back to you.

I’ve read all your updates and changed my mind from posting that you are being OTT to thinking something has definitely happened. Your husband is being clumsy in drip feeding you information which cries out guilt imo. If I was to guess I’d say she may have made a pass at him and he reciprocated..

If neither of you want to go and say something then your husband needs to just stop any conversation dead until she gets the point. I have a neighbour who will talk until the cows come home if he sees me in the garden, he’s not trying to shag me (well I hope not) but it’s annoying , If I know his out in the garden I’ve pretended to be on a call or just put head phones in.. He seems to have taken the hint.

Just read your update so ignore my post.

Your husband and you need to be on the same page in ignoring or keeping contact to a minimum with this neighbour.

No more helping out, or friendly chats over the fence etc.

I would make a point of making sure she is in earshot of you somehow and make a joke to the effect of, "I wonder if the bunny boiler will be out in her bikini today, the saddo!" And have a giggle.

Unfortunately, the only way to stop this behaviour can actually be to embarrass the person involved.

You've not read the OP update that her DH did in fact have a drink with the NDN. That's all he's admitted so far but has told OP that the NDN is a nutter so don't believe anything she says.

I must be the only one that smells a rat this post has been going on forever or maybe my husband is much more assertive than yours and would put a stop to this long before now, if it’s a genuine post then I’m afraid you have Dh probs as well as a nutter neighbour

Well heaven forbid a man might actually just be telling the truth about what really happened.

@Stace88 have you confronted him again or are you thinking of letting it go?

It might be a new build area, but within every new build establishment the council have to allocate a small portion of houses for affordable homes. It is very possible, unless you know for a fact that this family owned the house, that they were only placed there on a 'temporary accommodation' basis.

Think you are on the wrong thread!

I just thought of the OP and that she hasn’t updated for a couple of days. I hope you are okay @Stace88.

This. Unfortunately the issue here is that you now can't trust your own husband. This has nothing to do with the nature or location of the women. He knew what was going on, sat with her to have a drink (at the very least) and then lied to you and said he "didn't want an interrogation!" Cheeky fucker. Unfortunately you're finding out who he really is. You'll be called the crazy one next.

Thanks for those who have messaged, unfortunately it’s not a good update and I’ve just been taking the time to digest what he finally told me yesterday.

I went with the suggestions of telling him I had spoken to our neighbour and he had one more chance to tell me the truth. He started crying and eventually told me that they were intimate on Saturday when he went round and he had made the biggest mistake of his life. I got out of him that this wasn’t just kissing but they ‘pleasured’ each other (stopped short of sex) and as soon as this was over a massive wave of guilt hit him and he was straight home. This is why he has been acting so strange.

He didn’t have anywhere to go immediately so slept in the spare room last night and is spending tonight at his parents.

I kept asking him why over and over, he said he hasn’t felt wanted by me for a long time and that he should have spoken to me before, but he knows what he did was completely wrong and didn’t know why he did it.

He has bombarded me with messages today begging me not to leave him but I can’t ever get over this and dread seeing our neighbour.

Dirty bastard. Nice touch implying you're kind of to blame though. Prick.

Oh OP, I'm so bloody sorry. I was not expecting that update.
Take your time. None of this is your fault, you should not be the one ashamed.
Sending love

Hope you are ok.What a pair of fucking scum bags him and her.