Suspicious of neighbours behaviour towards my DH

[Stace88]

The couple who lived next door to us when we moved in broke up a few months ago and the man has since moved out.

The woman who lives there rarely spoke with us before but since breaking up is always chatting to my DH when she sees him. I can be stood next to him and she doesn’t look at me and aims any conversation towards him. She also refers to him by his name but doesn’t ever say mine.

That alone isn’t what my post is for. In the last couple of weeks she has made comments to DH - she saw him get back from the gym and asked him if he’d be her personal trainer (note - DH isn’t in bad shape but is a once a week gym goer and certainly isn’t a PT!). DH politely replied and she said she hasn’t had any workouts since becoming single and added ‘if you know what I mean’ with a laugh - fairly obvious what she was insinuating.

Yesterday, I was out all afternoon for a friends’ baby shower so my car wasn’t on the drive. DH told me he was pottering in the garden when our neighbour called his name over the fence and asked if he could help her with moving something in her garden which was too heavy for her, DH said yes and she told him to go down the side gate.

When DH went round she was wearing a bikini and in his words had clearly not been doing any gardening. He moved a pot at her request and then she asked where I (“your missus”) was. DH said I was out for the afternoon and she then asked if he fancied having a drink with her in her garden. DH politely made his excuses and came home.

I trust DH completely but feel like our neighbour is starting to stray into CF territory and I worry what her intentions are. DH thinks I’m being silly. Do you see where I’m coming from?

I’d be angry with my husband for not putting a stop to it. I wouldn’t do it for him, he isn’t a child and it would be beneath my dignity to ‘fight’ for him. If he did not think it was necessary I’d say ok so you are ok for me to go over to (insert male neighbour name) in a bikini and insinuate I need a good working over and could he help me and that would be just fine with you yeah? Not inappropriate in the slightest? I’d hope to be able to make him see reason. If he would not put a stop to it, I would create some consequences at home deserving of such insulting treatment.

So your DH has reported these incidents to you and by the sounds of it they make him uncomfortable/suspicious (eg, she was wearing a bikini and had clearly not been gardening) and yet at the same time he says you are being silly for your concern? That's rather contradictory.

I agree. OP, you say you trust your husband completely but from later replies it doesn’t sound as if you do. Do you have doubts?

Were you actually with your H when she made the comment about his physique OP. Or did he tell you what she said?

He obviously found the bikini incident out of the ordinary otherwise he wouldn't have recounted the details of what happened when you were out.

So he is definitely not being honest when he says he doesn't know her behaviour isn't innocent. I hope he has given you the full details of what actually happened when you were out that day and he went to her house.

You need to have a conversation with him about her behaviour towards him, and her behaviour towards you for that matter. And you need to talk about boundaries and that its up to him to shut this woman down by impressing on her he is a married man and not interested in her games.

He should refuse to go into her garden/house if she asks again. He should recommend a handyman etc.

she could say something happened when it didn’t and he wouldn’t be able to deny it easily. He need to protect himself.

Agree. It’s a shame as good neighbours are hard to come by (I wish I had OP and her DH next to me as I’m single and tiny and really could do with some brawn at times in the garden 😭) - even if DH can’t see it, she clearly has an agenda so I’d ask DH to stop with the small talk and if asked to do jobs say he is unable and recommend handyman /bad back if it’s for any further small jobs in garden. Neighbour is shameless but those types are usually a little psycho also so OP needs to be careful and I don’t think she should be getting involved as I can imagine the woman fantasising that DH fancies her but it’s the ‘missus’ stopping their true love or some such ! Honestly people can become very deluded very fast! I hope DH steps up without OP needing to get involved!

I wouldn't lower myself to say anything to her. Your DH needs to make it very obvious he has no interest in her at all and tell her that her actions are making him uncomfortable and to back off. He's not a child, he's a grown up and shouldn't need you to step in - you're not his mummy!

She’s definitely coming onto him. Has he not had much experience of women paying attention to him? He’d have to be very naive to not see it. Maybe he’s just really embarrassed and therefore in denial. I think I’d be tempted to say something to her, not in a warning off sort of way, just make it very clear that he is reporting everything back to you. If he was planning to cheat, he wouldn’t be telling his wife everything.

A friend of mine would deal with this by being overly friendly with the woman which would include some sarcastic undercurrents. She’s great at that.

Your DH obviously realises what her intentions are which is why he made his excuses and left!

I suspect him telling you you’re being silly is his way of reassuring you that whatever she’s doing he won’t be reacting in a way that’s inappropriate?

This happened to me. My neighbour hardly ever engaged with me, but every time my husband went outside, she suddenly appeared, all giggly and touching his arm. He didn’t have a clue because there was nothing obvious to him. Then I pointed it out and I set a test. I went out to do something and there was no sign of her. After I went in, he went out and she suddenly appeared. Hair flicking and gushing over him. Next time I saw her I told her she was embarrassing both my husband and herself and she needed to back off.
She ignores us now, but at least my husband can see how desperate she is.

I would never lower myself by saying anything to her. You’d make yourself look ridiculous, she’ll just deny everything and make you look like a jealous wife. This is on your DH to discourage her behaviour, problem is, he’s obviously enjoying the attention. Ask him how he would feel if it was a male neighbour behaving this way towards you ?

Agree with this @Stace88

Go to her door and tell her she’s wasting her time as your husband is impotent.

You have exactly the same writing style as several other recent slightly suspect posts that appear designed to get people frothing at the mouth?!

Tell her to stop flirting with your husband, because she definitely is. Make it clear to her that he isn't interested. Don't listen to any denials she makes.

Better to say he's gay. She'll just think she's special enough to cure his impotence and consider it a challenge.

Aw, not another dud?

You don't say a word to her. You tell him "you triangulate me with a randomer next door and you'll be moving in with her" and you refuse to elaborate because he isn't that naive. She's flattering and he's flattered. He gets one warning to pack it in.

I don't think it's lowering yourself when you set boundaries with people. All OP has to say is she's uncomfortable with women flirting with her husband and being rude to her by not including her in conversations when she speaks to both of them. The flirt can deny it, but she'll know she's lying as will OP. OP has no reason to care how she looks to this woman.

The huge red flag here is your DH - telling you alllll about these supposed interactions, then telling you you're "being silly" to be bothered in any way about it.

Does he have form for trying to make you feel crap/jealous/insecure?

Lets be honest, he's fucking loving having his ego stroked, if he wasn't he could have put a stop to it quite easily.

I'm sure you'd think it was a red flag if he kept it to himself too.

True. He needs to be put in his place as well and possibly dumped on his arse if he keeps up this bullshit. So I suppose she should tell him he has to discourage the flirt rather than doing it herself.

It's a red flag that he hasn't done anything to discourage the woman, not that he tells his wife about her flirting.

Yes, like Cleo from 'With six you get egg roll'. Back off lady!
s