Suspicious of neighbours behaviour towards my DH

[Stace88]

The couple who lived next door to us when we moved in broke up a few months ago and the man has since moved out.

The woman who lives there rarely spoke with us before but since breaking up is always chatting to my DH when she sees him. I can be stood next to him and she doesn’t look at me and aims any conversation towards him. She also refers to him by his name but doesn’t ever say mine.

That alone isn’t what my post is for. In the last couple of weeks she has made comments to DH - she saw him get back from the gym and asked him if he’d be her personal trainer (note - DH isn’t in bad shape but is a once a week gym goer and certainly isn’t a PT!). DH politely replied and she said she hasn’t had any workouts since becoming single and added ‘if you know what I mean’ with a laugh - fairly obvious what she was insinuating.

Yesterday, I was out all afternoon for a friends’ baby shower so my car wasn’t on the drive. DH told me he was pottering in the garden when our neighbour called his name over the fence and asked if he could help her with moving something in her garden which was too heavy for her, DH said yes and she told him to go down the side gate.

When DH went round she was wearing a bikini and in his words had clearly not been doing any gardening. He moved a pot at her request and then she asked where I (“your missus”) was. DH said I was out for the afternoon and she then asked if he fancied having a drink with her in her garden. DH politely made his excuses and came home.

I trust DH completely but feel like our neighbour is starting to stray into CF territory and I worry what her intentions are. DH thinks I’m being silly. Do you see where I’m coming from?

Yes says a lot that his priority is the cost of the hotel room and not the situation. He will be in the denial stage.

I guarantee he’s had your neighbour at the hotel

Urgh! What a knobhead he is. Don't let him gaslight you that it wasn't sex. Pleasuring each other is sex, just not penetration. Disgusting that he thinks he can just 'resolve things' after what he's done.

If he moves back then don't be doing anything for him - laundry, cooking etc. make the bastard look after his own needs.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

He shouldn't have fucked about then....we reap what we sow matey.

Put your foot down and insist that he respect your need for him to stay away, @Stace88. He is still attempting to coerce you into backing down. He can stay with his parents and it’s his responsibility to navigate that. It’s a consequence of his infidelity and appallingly cruel manipulation of you. He has to face the music.

I too am wondering if OW has been with him at the hotel.

You can tell your parents. It’s not embarrassing for you, it’s embarrassing for HIM. And he did the thing. He shouldn’t be getting out of it unscathed. If he’s so worried about people finding out he shouldn’t have bloody done it in the first place. You need and deserve real life support around you.

To echo absolutely everyone - it doesn’t matter if he had penetrative sex or not. He took time to pleasure another woman. That is the deepest betrayal. Much more so than if he just got himself off quickly and left. It was a mutual thing. Not only that, but the second another lady showed interest he jumped on it. It clearly didn’t take a lot to make him stray. The opportunity was there and that was it. The betrayal here is unbelievable. The very least of repercussions should be people knowing the truth, where you feel appropriate.

I’d be telling his parent everything. It’s not embarrassing for you. It’s embarrassing for him. He didn’t have sex which her, well that’s something you should be grateful for isn’t it (sarcasm by the way) how dare he try and minimise this! No coming back from this

Wouldn't be surprised if he was with OW at the hotel at this stage.

I also dont believe it only happened that one time, and that they didnt go all the way.

100% later down the line, you will find out its a full blown affair, and he in fact did have PIV sex with her, multiple times.

Explains the breakdown of her marriage, in hindsight.

I would get tested for STIs. You have no idea on her sexual health, or his now, unfortunately.

I also agree by thinking he hasn’t been alone. Also how will you ever be happy with him knowing she’s next door and that at the first given opportunity he was round there. Don’t think he won’t go back because he will

Is the neighbour still away?

Are there children OP?
Because if you were my daughter I would hate for you to forgive this prick after his behaviour and no children would mean it is easier.

You will never fully trust him again.
He's an opportunistic sleaze and in my view there is something particularly distasteful about fxxking around with your neighbour, messing where you eat.

There is a hierarchy of fxxking up on the infidelity ladder IMO and inlaws, bestfriends, neighbour, colleague........and he has really scored high on the list.

He has brought this to your door.
I think keeping his behaviour under wraps benefits him and allows him to believe it was a blip.

Telling family and letting him experience the full glaze of their disapproval is the only thing that MAY land for men like him, who are quite shameless.

His blaming you and calling her crazy is particularly manipulative and premeditated.

There is no trusting him again.
Tell him go to his parents to stay, you will tell them why he needs to stay the hell away from the family home and his piece next door!

Good post @Burntlemon.
He has no right blaming you for this, and yes he should be ashamed. I’d be telling everyone and dragging his sorry arse through the mud.

1. His idea of "resolving" things is you forgive him and go back to the way things were before he had sex with your neighbour. Could you do that OP? Could you ever trust him again?
2. His parents should know what he's done and unfortunately you're protecting him by not telling them. He seems to feel no shame whatsoever. Feeling the full weight of his parents' opprobium may actually help him find his moral compass and take genuine responsibility for what he's done.
3. There are other hotels - he can find a cheaper one - and if you add this inconvenient fact to the brilliant reply @OchreRaven crafted further up this thread, you could get the peaceful weekend you need.

So, how are you feeling about all this now OP? It's still early days, but do you think you could ever forgive him? I get the impression you want to.

I’m sorry @Stace88 he’s not acting in a way that would convince me he was remorseful.

He wants to protect his reputation, his money and his easy life. It is suspicious that the OW has not been home when your H had been staying at a hotel. It may seem almost ridiculous that he would be texting you about how sorry he is but also having sex with her.

However you have to judge him by his previous actions. He tells you what he wants you to think, not the truth. Right now he’s working out how he can hedge his bets so he gets out of this situation with the best deal. His preference is probably staying in the relationship, keeping his reputation, and financial security. But if you tell him it’s over he needs to keep her happy so he can move in with her and not be alone. He’s fucked his life and he doesn’t want to be left with nothing because in his eyes he’s the most important person here. His needs trump all.

I really feel for you because he is taking an awful situation and making it worse. I would amend my previous message.

’I am not an idiot. Do you not think I know who you have spent the night with? What are you hoping to achieve? All you have done is think about yourself — how you feel, what you need, what’s best for you. That is not what love is. I know you are panicking but you are becoming a man I don’t recognise.

You have done one of the worst things anyone could do to their spouse. The only thing I have asked of you is space to process how I feel and you can’t even give me that. You are showing me that your feelings and comfort comes first— again. If you want to push me to make a decision right now then it won’t be the one you want.’

It seems as soon as the neighbour made it known she liked him he gave in. Or that’s the version he has given you. I think you need to consider if you can trust him or want him in the house. If he is going to be there I thought I would go elsewhere for the weekend. He has gaslit you and made you out to be crazy when he was being dishonest. The neighbour clearly thought it was a funny game. I would worry there is more to this and it has been going on for longer than you realise.

Sorry — thought of something to add to use his paranoia to get the truth.

’I am not an idiot. Do you not think I know who you spent the night with? Remember I know what car she drives. What are you hoping to achieve? All you have done is think about yourself — how you feel, what you need, what’s best for you. That is not what love is. I know you are panicking but you are becoming a man I don’t recognise.

You have done one of the worst things anyone could do to their spouse. The only thing I have asked of you is space to process how I feel and you can’t even give me that. You are showing me that your feelings and comfort comes first— again. If you want to push me to make a decision right now then it won’t be the one you want.’

Guessed he wasn’t at his parents house .You can see what’s coming next,he bumped into her in town and she come onto him.They ended up in the hotel room together.But it meant nothing he was lonely.

Oh come on. He's been staying in a hotel and she was -unusually- away for the night?

Okay, just read your update that he was actually at a hotel. He was definitely with your Neighbour OP, how disrespectful having a hotel shagathon and texting you at the same time.

LTB!

The fact he’s telling you he knows what she’s at.

He’s done something

@Stace88
I’m so sorry!
i wish this didn’t happen! Some men are absolute d!cks.
Don’t let him home. This is his doing, should have kept his d!ick in his pants.
It sounds to me like he would do it again the way he’s trying to push back home.
He should be totally submissive to you.

i hope you’re ok!

as for her, what a tramp!

I completely agree.

"Shall I tell your parents for you?"

Funny how it's easier to cheat on you than it is to say one sentence to his parents.

Wow! How can he possibly think he gets to call the shots after what he’s done?!

Did he originally say that he was staying with his parents? Because that would be another lie to add to the list. Very interesting that her car is missing. It does make me wonder if she’s at the hotel with him. I’m honestly starting to think this is an ongoing affair rather than an isolated incident.

Even if it was a one off, I’m gobsmacked that he’s just announced he’s coming back to the house to “resolve” things, without a shred of concern about how you feel about the situation. He really thinks this is going to go away and you’ll go back to normal.

I’m so sorry OP, this is just awful for you. You’ve had your whole life turned upside down in a matter of days. Unless you can find somewhere else to go you’re in for a very stressful time. How intertwined are your finances? Can you pay for a hotel for yourself out of a joint account? You should not have to be under the same roof as him after what he’s done.