Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

He's obviously spent money over the years - on what it's not entirely clear. I do think he will look to you for financial support but you have yourself and your children to support and have obviously been careful about money. I am not saying he doesn't like or care about you. But I think you might be his pension plan. Realistically, what sort of life will you have with him? I wouldn't want to be scrimping because of his poor financial choices.

The good thing about relationships when you are older is that you aren’t going to have children with them. Therefore you don’t have to move in together or share finances at all.

You’ve misunderstood. She’s not asking him for security. She just doesn’t want to be responsible for someone who has no home, is 30k in debt, and no pension.

Feminism isn’t about reversing roles and her bankrolling him it’s about equality. And being a feminist doesn’t mean taking in a cocklodger. Educate yourself @UltraProcessedLifeGoals

Your last sentence hits the nail on the head.

I wouldn't want to be scrimping because of his poor financial choices.

If I’ve been financially savvy and planned for a modest/comfortable life/retirement I certainly wouldn’t want to find someone else’s lifestyle or have to scrimp because they weren’t planning ahead.

In part I think due to my raising my DS alone and from less than a standing start I wouldn't be interested in this. Where has his money gone? What is his plan?

I don't expect anyone to keep me but I don't expect to keep anyone else except my DC if I need to.

You could continue with this and then find yourself paying for everything or doing less than you'd like because you can't afford to pay for two.

I know someone like this man. When he's got money he goes on the most terrific holidays, when he hasn't he finds a woman to fund him. He is so lovely to be with as well. Of course he is.

Like a poster up thread said maybe his plan was to meet a solvent woman.

I agree with this. It's all very well saying love isnt about spreadsheets but up to 40% - almost half of all relationships that end do so due to financial issues so to say love will carry you through is stupidly naive.

My concern is not so much the situation he is in now, it's that he doesnt seem to know why he's in this situation and that is what is very concerning. He says his money all went on "life"- I mean, could this be any more vague and nebulous? it shows a complete lack of self awareness and self responsibility to not know how you've ended top at age 59 with no assets or money. He also seems stupidly naive about this pay out he's getting if he assumes it's enough to retire on.

At least if he were to acknowledge exactly where his money has gone and accept responsibility for it and to get some financial advice or set out some financial planning/goals it would make me feel slightly better about it because it would show a degree of self responsibility and proactiveness.

But this "gee, I just dont know where all my money has gone - its literally just disappeared into the ether- its a mystery" faux naivety and victimhood would piss me right off and it does not bode well at all for your financial future if you entangle yourself with this man.

I guess he just never thought about the future, I have met a few people like this.
They don't typically have great retirements.

100% this. OP, the lack of foresight and planning is not great.

OP, do you want to subsidise his retirement? Ask yourself this before your feelings get even deeper.

Exactly this. Don't let yourself get even more emotionally enmeshed.

The connection has been amazing and I met him when I was quite vulnerable which wasn’t the best idea

Classic move by this hobosexual type. They always go for vulnerable women.

Something really doesnt add up here- he inherited 80k and he also split half the value of his previous house with his ex. Thats a considerable amount of money considering up until recently he was also earning a high wage. Where has all this money gone then? what has he done with it?

This man is a walking red flag, doesnt matter how great the sex is, that will be of little comfort when he's bled your finances dry

I'd run! Your responsibility is to your children and yourself - don't risk your futures on a man with no financial sense!
He'll be wanting to move in/borrow money at some point. Even if you say to him that you are never going to live with a man again, once you are in a relationship it would be very hard to turn him away if he lost his rental etc. You don't want to find yourself living with him by accident.

My feeling is that once you push back on his request to move in with you and other financial support (because you want to help your daughter at uni among other things), he will end it with you. Then you will feel bad for being dumped and feel awful for having being taken in by him.

Hobosexual ! I love this term ! 😄

Not one person nor the Op has suggested she asks him to financially keep her.

So stop cringinging unless it's about your lack of comprehension

Which is it Op unfair dismissal or redundancy?
He has given you 2 different reasons here for why he is unemployed

But this is a man

This. If I were in his position, instead of pissing money up against the wall paying for meals out etc, every penny I earned would be going into clearing off debts and trying to get myself into a better position.

Given his age, cc debt and lack of pension, even if he had a considerable payout, history would probably repeat itself r.e financial responsibility.

Have fun but I wouldn’t expect more than that.

Flee before you care too much to do so.

You will never be able to comfortably share life unless you bank roll him. This will eventually make you resentful but by then you'll feel unable to set yourself free because he's dependent on you.

He will find someone else who shares his financial approach. You are not compatible

His ship is coming in. How often is that heard on MN. Unfair dismissal, insurance payout etc. It won't. DO NOT lend money to him. Do not gift/sub any money. The gravy train doesn't leave the station. You can have a relationship but don't get dazzled. The gofundme will arrive eventually.

I am always appalled when I read of people opting out of the NHS pension, particularly when in a higher banding, can they honestly not see that the government contributes over 23% of their salary for retirement which is second to none. You can guarantee 💯 that they will be livid in their 50s when you start the inevitable pension chats and when you can comfortably retire and on what income and they’re fucked.

I think the completely different attitudes towards money would doom things anyway. You’re a planner and he’s a spender - to have nothing to show for 40 years of working life is quite something.

He’ll have designs on what you have. You’re going to wind up as his pension plan if you’re not careful. There’s nothing as attentive as a man with no house.