Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

Fantastic username by the way.

Gordon Bennett he is after your assets.

A deaf and blind person could suss him out two miles away.

Dont let him move in for christs sake dont let him to you to Vegas get you pissed then visit a nice little chapel to hear Elvis sing.

What is MRA?

Yeah , I’m kinda on board here aswel with Arseynal , especially unfair dismissal thing , does sound a bit shady & you only know him 6 months ..
Be careful OP ..

hobosexual 😂

"Men's Rights Activist"

AKA

Men who want a little lady at home who will do all the household jobs so they can do the their Big Man Job....whilst still going out and working full time, preferably paying the vast majority of the bills, so the men can spend their money on themselves. So a housekeeper who sucks his dick.

Bonus points if there are also kids involved, then she is a Nanny with a Fanny and a bank balance.

Then they slag off women like me who wont stand for that shite.

Oh and cant work out why they cant get laid......

RUN don’t walk
I wish Mumsnet had been around when I was in an extremely similar position. Turned out he had been sacked for being useless at his job, fair and square, and the amount of debt he’d told me he was in massively shot up after I was pregnant with our DD who he very much wanted and now does not support in any shape or form. And apart from her I lost everything.
Just glad he’s someone else’s problem now.

Also, they can sometimes be women as well. I’ve come across a few of them. They act like mothers to such men and defend them. For example a mother of boys worried about the Me Too movement in case their boys get falsely accused of rape.
Or they might protest boys schools going coeducational because it will “disadvantage” their sons being prepared for traditional leadership roles.

The door is that way >>>>>>>>>

HTH.

You are not living with this man, you enjoy his company, what does it matter? He's not asking you to support him.

If you were planning on setting up home with him, his lack of money and security would be relevant but you are only six months in and having fun, I don't see it as an issue if you really like him.

Hi - just reading all your posts and someone has said when I haven’t replied. I work very early shifts so I was asleep while all you amazing people help me with this predicament, so
apologies. So, basically he was divorced 20 years ago and supported his ex and the children for a couple of years until she married again. Fair enough. The house was sold and shared. He also inherited £80k from the sale of his fathers house shortly after. He then had a long relationship, roughly 10 years and lived with this person. I actually think he is a good man but his answer is, he just spent it on life! I don’t quite understand how you can let this happen and he has always worked, hard! I have tried to find his pensions for him and it is obvious that until the last few years, he must have opted out of any work place pension. There is a small pot of about £25k from the employer before last but that’s it. My daughter is 17 and starts a law degree, all being well, in London a year this September. The accommodation fees alone have made me sharpen up to the fact that I need to be awake to my financial future and can’t be with somebody so cavalier with his money. The connection has been amazing and I met him when I was quite vulnerable which wasn’t the best idea. I should have allowed a bit of healing time, but I was very honest about where I was. I think he’s baled out his sister a few times, he certainly doesn’t gamble, he’s just lost a grip on things. My problem is I have feelings but my gut is saying no but he is heart broken and fighting to keep this relationship. He said he will do anything not to lose me, which is hard to ignore after the last 10 years of being invisible in a marriage. But, coming from quite a frugal
and careful upbringing, and having worked all my life too, moving to
London and always having to watch my cash until my career took off, just the thought of having credit card debts makes me feel very jittery! Reading all of your responses has sealed this decision, so thank you! Honestly, I think I was telling myself to ignore his situation, you won’t find anyone else out there like him when I venture into the world of internet dating eventually. But this relationship just doesn’t feel equal and the future I have worked for won’t look how I had planned it to look! PS, Now this is just to add a lighter note, after years of physical drought, the sex was insane! 😬. Don’t judge 🙏

Jemjemima it is far too soon to be thinking so seriously, why not enjoy being single for a while. It is possible to love, and have a good relationship with, someone but not get financially entangled. Just make the most of how things are, it's good for you.

Beautifully written terrible advice is still terrible advice.

Not demanding security from men. Demanding not to be security FOR men.

UltraProcessedLifeGoals I’ve never demanded security from a man - I have always been self sufficient, worked and looked after the kids. I think it isn’t unreasonable to be cautious whatever your gender.

A relationship doesn’t need to be equal - but it will struggle if it’s too unequal. Like you feeling guilty about him paying for meals knowing he can’t afford it, deciding where to go on holiday knowing he really can’t afford that either, him feeling bad if you pay. It’s got no future. And the trouble is, if you think ‘there may be no future but we should just enjoy it while we can’, all the time you’ll be either harbouring doubt and resentment, or developing stronger feelings that will make pulling away so much harder. As much as it hurts, you should end it now because it’s coming anyway and the longer you leave it the worse it will be.

The having no money thing is very worrying but his cavalier attitude towards money would have me backing right off.

I have saved 15% of every wage I have had since I started earning. My Dad grew up with one pair of shoes between 11 of them poor, so set me on this path.

For him to have got to 59 and still have no money is the biggest red flag ever.

You will end up paying his way through life. No wonder he's keen!

No strings/FWB?? That would work.

Not a bad shout but I would feel like I was using him and ultimately it’s just not me! Quite like a meaningful relationship but I have jumped too soon. What I need to do is let him go with respect and care. It has been lovely and in his defence, he made me feel amazing and beautiful. But I have to be grown up about this and concentrate on the divorce, the kids and keeping myself sane!

Keeps this casual then, he doesn't have to be with you for life. Just have fun. Do not let him move in with you though and 30k of debt is a lot. Don't lend him money or pay his rent. He will start leaching off you if you do. Is he looking for a job???

It's pretty common. I don't have any assets and don't have a private pension.

ETA having read your rather crucial drip feed, you've already made your decision to walk away so no need for further discussion.

=====

At 6 months you won't have scratched the surface of knowing someone in anything more than a superficial level.

if you're enjoying his company, just keep it at that level. You're not being asked to sign away your house ans life savings to this person. If he's a decent man, he won't give you any concerns he's after a nurse with a purse (which is a vile, dehumanising expression if ever I heard one).

there's one thing about being financially savvy, it's a whole other ballgame valuing this man purely by his assets and the wealth he's accumulated. You have to go by your values and your priorities, we can't give you anything other than a superficial impression based on absolutely no real information.

youd be daft to base a relationship decision on the scant information you've given us and our inadequate responses. If you do, then this man is too good for you, not the other way round,

I really struggle understanding people who earn lots of money but are in debt, it’s just wasteful and shows no budgeting skills.

He earns more than the majority of the country and it would put me off that he struggles so much.

However, you do not know if that debt was from his ex wife or how much he’s paying towards his wife/kids and so I wouldn’t judge too harshly until I had the facts.

But more importantly you have only recently come out of a marriage yourself and have 2 teens so the last thing you want is a serious relationship anyway and I suspect you never want to get married or have more kids.

So I would continue with the relationship and be companionship for each other.
Go slow and don’t move in together etc.

Utterly ridiculous post.

and whilst it is true that love isn’t about spreadsheets, an insolvent partner can become a financial liability, especially when you’ve worked hard to build stability.

The strain of carrying someone else’s debt isn’t erased by emotional support… why would you take this on for a man you’ve only known 5 minutes. You need to finish things with him. No need to say why. Harder to do nice you’re more invested, but do not take this financial baggage on. It’s madness. No sense of companionship warrants taken on this financial mess.

This post has been written by someone who isn’t financially savvy and probably lives day to day with no thought for the future.