Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

I am in a relationship with a man not unlike him in that he has no savings, no assets etc. while I earn a lot more, own my home etc. It doesn't matter to me because we won't be living together or joining finances, and I have no desire to "fix" or "save" him (and he has never asked or expected it of me either). We enjoy our time together when we are together, and that is what it is. But if you know that you have saviour tendencies and will end up trying to bail him out, then I would walk away now. Certainly, this is an issue he will have to work out for himself and you should not get involved in any way. If that means ending it, then so be it.

This. It's the wide eyed and mystified thing that would make me turn and walk away.

When I met DH he was in a bit of debt but once we started seeing each other seriously, he explained and it all made sense. He had a house too, had worked all his life from the age of 14 and had raised two kids in a better style than he himself lived. He had a plan to pay off the debt and by the time we got married, it was all sorted and we were on a level field.

When you get older, romance is all well and good but you want to shake off the shackles of responsibility. Adding to them takes the gloss off PDQ.

I think you’re polar opposites and this could never have a future.

You’re sensible about money and he’s laissez faire. You’re too old to romanticise it; he sounds like a loser.

Keep him as a fwb, or move on.

This is how I’d feel about it.

It’s the card getting declined, OP. That suggests not only lack of funds, but poor management, if he has to have cards declined before he knows he’s run out.

Good luck , OP. You sound like a sensible and caring person; I think you will make a good life for yourself.

For those aghast at the thought of no assets or pension - there's a lot of people in that situation and not necessarily due to fecklessness, so a little less judgment please. I'm basically in that situation.

Workplace pensions only became compulsory for all employers to offer between 2012 and 201 depending on the size of the business. I only have a couple of very small ones from prior to that, worth a few hundred pounds a year.

I rent and missed the boat to get on the property ladder before prices got ridiculous. Do I regret some previous decisions? Yes.

I'm the same age as him and I am worried about the future. However, I have zero debt, have always managed my money carefully and am doing my best to plan as much as I can for retirement. It's his lack of financial control and responsibility that's an issue here - and it would put me off him too. His 'plan' is probably to try and find a meal ticket.

Don’t marry him, don’t let him move in.
Don’t become his retirement plan.
Love him ,leave him. Just keep him at arm length.

Sounds like my husband when we met but he had no debt , he’s paid half the mortgage since we married so has accrued equity and my large equity is protected by legal agreement. There’s a big disparity between pensions but as I’ve got health issues it’s not been a problem when I’m planning to retire at 55 and he will need to keep working til 60 and save hard to retire

I can't believe anyone would accuse you of being overly money oriented. it's a question of his judgement and self-control which appear to be lacking, and yes of course that tells you something about his suitability as a long term partner, more than the caring side which frankly he can probably turn on when it suits. Don't enter into anything permanent with this one - keep him at arm's length and get rid eventually.

Depends what youboth want. .
If you know that ultimately you want a life partner to share your life with, he may not be the wisest choice

No problem IF you can keep him at arm’s length, I.e. don’t let him live with you, don’t lend him money, don’t let him take out a loan or lease in your name, don’t get married, etc.

That will all depend on how resilient you are with not falling for emotional blackmail from him when the shit hits the fan and he had no money and can’t afford his rent, can’t get his next car lease, can’t afford to pay his share of meals or holiday costs etc.

The longer you are with him, the more you’ll be invested in him emotionally and the harder for you to withdraw and walk away.

Only you know whether you’d be able to walk away in a year or two when the money and credit facilities run out. Or whether it’s better to walk away now!

Getting to that age with no house, no savings, no pension, and huge debt isn’t just a warning sign, it’s a massive red flashing hazard warning sign that tells you he has no money management nor planning abilities.

My friend almost married a man with absolutely no assets. She has a house, a nice car a good job with a pension. He was planning to marry her, rent her house out and rent a bungalow. He had started, insidiously moving in with her.

Luckily he showed his true colours, just a few weeks from the wedding. They were heading home, in her car, late at night. He was driving. They had an argument and he forced her out of her car and drove off and left her. This was in the middle of a big city, late at night. She didn’t have her handbag, so no phone or money. A taxi driver saw what had happened and he came over. She was obviously very upset and could barely speak. He offered her a free lift home, which she gratefully accepted. How kind was that?

The boyfriend wasn’t there when she got home, so she secured the house and went to bed. Next day she called off the wedding.

You've definitely made the right decision OP. Love and sex isn't enough to be happy ever after. This man has been utterly careless and cavalier with money his whole life with absolutely no thought for his future or his retirement. He is going to be poor in old age, struggling to survive on the basic OAP, which I wouldn't wish on anyone. So if you were to stay with him, you'd either be in a relationship with someone on the bones of his arse, or you'd end up subsidising him, probably the latter.

Personally, I don't understand how someone who has worked hard all their life and had a decent salary, has at one time shared ownership of a property that he got 50% of the proceeds from when it was sold, AND an £80k inheritance, has blown through the lot and ended up at age 59 with £30k worth of debt and just one £25k pension. That really is a world class level of stupidity and carelessness. A great shag he may be, but I'm glad to hear you've decided to throw this one back.

Sounds like you were already feeling like you wanted to end it, but started this thread to confirm your thinking.

You ending things doesn't mean he is a bad person. Just that he is not a suitable partner for you.

You get to a certain age and become aware at how common it actually is for people both male or female, that have nothing to latch onto naive unsuspecting or vulnerable people.

I’ve known a few cases where it’s resulted in DC being completely cut out of their parent’s will, because the leech has manipulated the person when they have become ill or vulnerable.

It’s a very real tale as old as time.

Last post like this and the female OP got a kicking from others for being fickle.

I absolutely agree with your worries about this man!! He will be a liability in future. Lack of financial acumen/security is unattractive. I mean that on the part of women too… I have several friends with absolutely zero job prospects, nor savings/pensions. They are entirely reliant on their husbands who may die/leave/be awful. Really sad situation in middle age!!

It’s absolutely fine to not want to be with someone who can’t manage their money sensibly.

We need to stop conditioning women into accepting crap men just to be in a relationship.

Absolutely.

I fear the flags are scarlet. Head for the hills. The unfair dismissal and lack of assets reeks of one of life’s victims.

@Jemjemima

How did you meet this guy?

Was it online dating or through social events?

Given the vast majority of carers are women, I wonder why you only feel sorry for men?

It’s not women’s job to give succour to divorced or disabled men.

I knew a man like this - very good looking, charming etc. He had no assets because he was/and still is a gambler.

She isn’t demanding anything, she is rightly protecting herself and her children from a man who has the potential to drain her finances.

Your gut is telling you to run for a reason. A close family member ended up with someone similar post divorce. He was charming and full of promises about how he had land / house etc to sell, unfair dismissal claim, he was between jobs etc. To be fair he was also very kind, caring, funny, sociable etc. my family member decided to just enjoy the relationship and not to complicate things by having him moving in etc. however he managed to worm his way in slowly and is now living comfortably in her house. He still hasn’t had any land / house sales etc come through, but it’s talked about regularly and lots of promises for an exciting future. The reality is he’s a perfectly nice enough bloke but is one of life’s chancers who hasn’t prepared for the future and somehow always lands on his feet (by screwing over people over). As someone else said, you can do better.

OP, you sound lovely and sensible.
Your children's education comes first, as simple as that.

Being on the same page re money is critical in a relationship.

So many people underestimate the cost of retirement, it is very expensive.
Nothing as miserable as being old and not being able to manage to have any of life's comforts.

My friends friend met a lovely single man at a golf tournament and they started seeing each other casually. He worked, had a nice small house and she was very fond of him. He has led a very interesting life, loads of travel on different continents, lots of great experiences and stories.

Two years in he tells her he has to move out of his sisters house as she needs to sell it to fund her childrens education, and he suggests moving in with her.

She was stunned.
He has a tiny pension and will definitely need to keep working. This woman has a lovely home and is retiring on a very good pension. She has plans to enjoy herself. Him moving in and her subsidising him was not in her plan.

Her two daughters feel very strongly that he shouldn't be moving in.
He is very hurt as he's in love with her and thought they had a future together.

Upon hearing this I quoted MN to my friend "no man more in love than one needing somewhere to live".

She has told him she doesn't see herself living with anyone and he feels very "let down" by her.

I don't see where he gets her obligation to house him from.

They are taking space from each other at the moment but she knows she needs to be sensible much as she dnjoys him, she really doesn't want to share her home in these circumstances.

Head above heart in such matters IMO.