Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

I'd put money on him being, ironically, a gambling addict. Or some sort of addiction.

How else do you blow 70k a year with nothing to show for it? AND debt into the bargain.
The math isn't mathing.

@nettie434 sometimes it isn't incompetence though - or bad luck. With some people it's about the decisions they make. Though thinking about it, if it's incompetence, I would actually say that makes things worse.

Who wants to go out with that person?!

And in terms of it mattering in a relationship, it can tell you a lot about a person, how they've handled their finances over a long period of time.

And also, I guarantee when he falls on hard times, which is due any minute now it looks like, he will be asking the OP to help. Yes, she can say no, but it's much easier not to date the guy in the first place. Even if it's quite casual, it's going to affect the whole situation.

And you think he’d not want to advance his chances with someone so much more financially solvent? It’s not his unfair dismissal case that’s saving his situation, it’s hitching his wagon to a richer partner who can save him from a poor old age,

No pension at 59 equals irresponsibility. He’s a bad bet and the op should discreetly back away

He’s got to 59 and has no pension at all, even though he has earned a good salary? That’s crazy. On top of accruing all that debt, he’s clearly not financially savvy at best and completely financially irresponsible at worst. Yanbu for being put off by that.

Agree. If you can't see all the problems down the track ...

He’s fighting for wrongful dismissal but doesn’t mean he’ll win his case.
I would end this relationship as if he’s £30,000 in debt now it’s not going to get any better. You’re going to feel you might want to help him if this continues but it’s his problem not yours sadly

I feel sorry for disabled men, or men who have divorced and been somewhat cleaned out.

i know a fantastic man who was left high and dry when his wife had an affair. He moved out initially whilst she remained there with their two teen sons. Eventually she moved her new man in, and the house went up for sale.

It took years to sell.
He initially lived with his parents until they passed away (he was in his mid 50's) and became his mother's carer. This meant he had to give up work in engineering to care for her. He began a business from home, but never quite made up for what he had lost.

eventually his family house sold, what he accrued was not enough to purchase a new home. He had to move out of his parent's home after it was sold (to release inheritance to siblings).

he now rents in a very nice area, yet has no 'assets' yet is a well educated, reliable, wonderful human being. Thankfully, he met a woman who adores him and isn't out of touch like the OP.

Fear and working class insecurity really does make a cunt out of insecure women decent human beings, doesn't it?

There but for the grace of god go i.
And thank god I am not WC.

It happens.

same with my stbeh

TBH every time i come on this website it is heaving with women who claim to be feminists yet still demand security from men.

I am fucking tired of it. It's so outdated and cringe.

Mumsnet kind of reminds me of China: users suddenly swimming in new WC money yet not quite educated enough or cultured enough to know how to parse it.

This basically. My friend has moved in with a man who's got basically nothing. Low wage jobs all his life, state pension, no assets. But neither has she. When it's equal footing I guess there less resentment as your in the same boat.

But why can't you just carry on as is? I'd not complicate things by moving in together.

That is a somewhat different situation from a man who has apparently had a good salary up until very recently, yet has no assets and substantial debt. And OP is not looking for security from anyone else. She's done what you're criticising women for not doing, and made herself independently financially secure - she's entitled to consider whether this relationship will endanger that before continuing.

Not an answer to your question OP but I am sick of reading on here (and elsewhere) about people with good incomes who have done fuck all to save for their retirement. Why should taxpayers subsidise pension credit and housing for those who had 40 years and every opportunity to contribute to a good pension? No problem whatsoever with supporting low income people and those who could not work for good reason, but it should not be legal to avoid pension contributions or reduce income when you cannot be self-supporting without recourse to the state.

OP would have said if he had financial problems because of divorce.

I would dial this relationship right down as far as you can, well before September when he could suddenly become needy.
His long term plan is reckless ….it doesn’t sit right with you at all and you can’t ignore his cavalier attitude knowing how it’s likely to impact you in the future.
I wouldn’t be able to let him buy dinner for me if he has a 30k debt. It would spoil everything knowing that. Even watching him eat a dinner he can’t afford would be uncomfortable.
It seems crazy to be banking on an unfair dismissal claim. Even if he gets it, it doesn’t solve his pension or asset problem.
You have planned so well financially and worked too hard yourself, to invite this potential problem into your life. Put yourself first OP. Stay alert and sensible.
There is no looking forward to nice things together with this man, unless you pay for them.

Run don’t walk. It’s very unusual for an employment case to pay out enough to keep someone in comfort for the rest of their life. It is convenient that you are ‘well set up’. It’s unlikely that someone aged 59 in a £70k job has zero assets and £30k of debt without reason. OP, I think you are his retirement plan.

Are they on £70k a year?

She's not looking for security from him. She's looking for a grown up. And someone who earns £70k a year, and has no pension, doesn't own a home or a car, and is £30k in debt, has not yet learned how to adult.

To reel the OP in. The meals out will stop once he is sure of his feet being truly under the table.

I’m sorry but there is absolutely no excuse for an able-bodied man in this country not being able to make at least a decent go of things. He’s 59 earning £70k a year with nothing to his name? Absolutely ridiculous.

"I feel sorry for disabled men, or men who have divorced and been somewhat cleaned out."

Awww. Think of the men!

This guy had a good income and has only £30,000 of debt and a leased car to show for it. His job is gone. His credit cards get declined. OP seems worried. I don't blame her. That kind of debt with a good salary is either extreme financial incompetance or something worse, like a gambling addiction. She has kids to put through school, she can't afford a financial drain like a hobosexual looking for an easy mark or just a guy who has massive debt and is dead ignorant financially.

What’s his background? Divorced and let ex wife have house? Kids? You haven’t said. Agree with majority too many red flags and something doesn’t add up re salary of £70k and nothing to show for it ! Next thing he’ll be asking to move in then what?

Do you know why he's in this position? If not, you should have a frank discussion with him.

If he's been living a frivolous life and blowing his money without a care for the future, that's very different to having found himself in financial dire straits and losing everything at some point due to illness health, or a failed business.

You say you're not motivated by money, but also that you want to end your relationship over this. Being useless with money doesn't necessarily make someone a bad person, but at his age this isn't something you can 'fix'. You'll need to think about whether the relationship is worth the risk of having to support him in the future.

I see that the MRA's who didnt pull tonight are here to pass their time.....

To be honest I am so tired of men who want women to behave like ‘50s housewives and yet refuse to be providers and still expect their partner to go out and earn. I see many, many, many examples of this in real life and on this forum. The OP is being rightfully cautious just in case she ends up in an all-too-familiar situation of becoming a nurse with a purse for a 59 year old man without a penny to his name.

My word who will think of the men?! The poor, oppressed men?!