Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

Yeah this. It sounds very dodgy - poor guy always being so unlucky with money - what's the chances?

He is either really bad with finances or full of bullshit.

Yes he just found it under the sofa when he was about to be dumped, how lucky!

This guy is full of shit 🚩🚩🚩

Do I write off this person who has a beautiful soul and a loving family who he does everything for because he was cavalier with his finances.

Does his soul pay his debts and bills?

Is his family going to?

When he's 10s of thousands of pounds in debt at 60 with no car, a small "found" pension that he's going to have to pay a percentage of to the finders company, and has the financial sense of a goose, yeah. But I'm a hard ass New Yorker who's dated a few finance bros who have given me pretty good advice and have a financial advisor who has a fiduciary duty to me. And I'm glad to be hard enough to do right by my kids putting them through school and securing my assets instead of banging some old charming dude who won't be able to support himself much longer.

You have kids to put through school. You're stretched as it is. You're looking at retirement and things aren't going to be getting any cheaper.

Does he have a job? You had said he was losing his job in September.

He's spending money on the gym and supplements?

He can't do shit for his family because he's got no money. They're probably hoping you'll take him off their hands because they don't want to support him in retirement.

Don't end up being the nurse with the purse. By all means casually date him if you must. But think of your future, and your children's future. Financial fecklessness is not an attractive quality, especially if they expect you to plug the gaps in their life expenses moving forward. Zip up your purse tight and do not ever lend him money, let him move in or go as guarantor on any rental or similar for him. The sense of entitlement that comes with being a cock lodger is just breath-taking, and callous as they know no bounds in the lies they tell to keep you hooked, and sponsoring them. Dig deep enough and you find some deep seated misogynistic views that mature women will put up with anything and everything to have a man at their side. Anything but turn into a....shock, gasp, horror....crazy cat lady. Cats are less expensive than cock lodgers. I have experienced both, and I would rather buy Kitty Kat by the wholesale pallet than adopt a man with a grubby and grabby attitude towards money.

But he is an emotional liability first. It’s clear what he’s doing - grooming, love-bombing - he won’t strike with the financial liabilities until he is sure this frog is clearly boiled. I suspect it’s his MO that has bounced him through life grifting and poncing off gullible women - he will be expert at it by now.

wouldn’t be too swayed by nice friends and family - they likely have been bailing him out for years and relieved that there is someone else there to pick up the slack. Many flakes and fraudsters are totally charismatic and charming it’s the key skill of the assignment

Ain't this the truth!

Omg Op you talk about him like he's the hero of a Barbara Cartland novel
Sooo sweet, charming and kind

Trust me its all Lovebombing to get his feet under your table,

Good men do not run up 30K debts when they earn 70K a year
They don't slate their ex wives
They don't get to 60 with no pension, then go ooops look what I found
They don't talk about prenups because a prenup means nothing in the UK

You are not getting it

Men like this are not nice
They are selfish egotistical losers.
The personality traits, bearing in mind hes a good earner, that go with chronic debt/ zero assets/ tiny pension at 60 are either addictive behaviour( booze, drugs, gambling , overspending) or making ridiculous, impulsive decisions.
This all points to immaturity

Any man can buy flowers and bloody wine and sweet talk, any of them
Particularly when they want what you gave got
You're his pension ...

Ok so im a female ( which im sure people will say "well thats different!" But it shouldn't be).

Had a good job, own house, good car, savings. Met the wrong person, lost it all.

Ran up debts even when earning high income.
You better believe I slate my ex
I have various pensions all over the shop which I dont have a clue about or idea whats in them. Hopefully I'll end up with a similar nice surprise from the high income job but that was a number of years ago now and I'll chase it down eventually.

Thank God my now partner didnt have a mumsnet advisor when we met. He out-earnt me, was financially stable, investments everywhere, was a success.

He saw past my financial situation and saw what I brought to him. We often joke about it, but he saw beyond the finances. These days, I have purchased my own property again, have my own investments, pay my way and we've been together well over a decade so far. We both have children separately, so have discussed how inheritance etc will work, but all the children would say they have benefitted emotionally from the relationship and honestly, it couldn't have worked out better, for him as well as me.

You can't buy a good person. Kindness and values are priceless. Im glad you didnt close yourself of to something good because of the size of a wallet. Good people can be down on their financial luck, doesn't mean they are a bad person and doesn't mean they'll stay there. They can actually contribute far more to benefit your life than paying for stuff.

That doesn't mean you close your eyes to faults, hell thats what got me in my initial mess, but it also doesn't mean you close yourself either

Baileys6904 - you are an oasis! Like your partner saw you, I actually see this man. But I am also extremely financially awake despite ‘sounding like a novel’. That bit is a bit sad to read and puts a cynical slant on life. I understand - women get stung and so I can see why some are very defensive. You have every right to be but I don’t believe I have reason or would want to be that person. Before I was married I went out with a cash strapped actor who had no idea about future proofing and I knew in my heart I would have to end it. Second boyfriend, another arty type, again cavalier and maybe I should have hated myself for being material. But I didn’t have a safety net back then and had to make harsh decisions about affording my future working in a very fickle industry. So, I am not some rose tinted romantic but life has to have some kind of soul surely and my marriage has taught me that you must feel for the person you are with. You have no right to time steal staying with someone you do not love. That has to be the harshest theft of all!

Intetesting that the person who agrees with you was also in a precarious financial position 😂

Well it will all play out.
You wont listen to us.
Im.not defensive BTW
Im financially well off but I've seen this type ruin my DSis and I can spot it a mile off...

Yep, OP sounds like a woman who sadly may have to learn the hard way.

you literally have not seen sprawling council estates filled with all kinds of individuals, but certainly not people with great assets or amazing pension

he is looking for a nurse with a purse. And that will be up to you

yes, really?

How moving in with someone when you have financial issues is good for you? You are vulnerable to upteen extent

That is desperate of you Poster. Get some common sense going

That's quite an achievement to have no pension at that age. Was he ever married? Kids? TBH I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone unless I knew we had shared values around money. Have a look at Rebel Finance School - it really set my head straight on this.

they might have rented and lived on a small NMW salary - people are from all walks of life

Desperate! Read the post! Human - so shoot me!

I think she's saying that it's unusual for someone who was a high earner to reach 59 with nothing, not even a car, plus tens of thousands of pounds of debt.

Naivety is not considered an attractive personality trait where I am. Nor is getting sanctimonious about it.

I do notice @Jemjemima hasn't answered whether he has a job.

Just read the FT

I wrote earlier on the thread and suggested he is Mr Right for Now. And I think he still is right for Now. Now being today.

Also @JemjemimaYou're definitely no fool.

I actually finished the relationship I may have written about in previous posts recently (32 months of incredible-ness 😂😂!) and he was fabulous. My Mr Perfect for now.
But, different issues to this thread topic were in the background. Always lurking about.

The last few months when I had doubts (in a similar way to how the OP had hers) I became quite analytical about it. The love goggles / limerence stage has eased (thank goodness as that was confusing) and I just did a type of Cost v Benefit analysis for me.

What do I get?
What do I give?

And at 31 months the 50/50 of above tipped to more 75/25 against me and I chose to step away. Gutted as the 25% was fabulous and I miss it a lot but he was Mr Right for Then.

Absolutely I was in a precarious situation. I now own 2 houses, have an investment portfolio and will be leaving an extremely substantial inheritance for my child. That is nothing to do with my partner, that was my doing

Must be touch being so cynical. Your experience doesn't make it the default scenario

@Hatty65 However kind he is, he's not a proper grown up, is he? He's got 8 years to go until he has a state pension (assuming he has paid enough contributions) and that seems to be all he will have to live on. How does he think he will pay his debts, and why does he have zero assets at his age? Unfair dismissal payments (even if he wins his case) are pretty small - generally 1.5 weeks pay for every year you worked for the company.

I would argue that it's not "grown up" to not be mindful that all people are different with different circumstances, and some people therefore will have not saved into a pension for a multitude of reasons.

Pretty ridiculous to judge him also for having "zero assets." The overwhelming people have no assets apart from their own house, and even a house can't really be considered an asset because selling it would mean you have nowhere to live.

Life is love - I admire your honesty and thank you. I have a horrible feeling it may go the same way for me - Mr Right for now! I don’t like the sound of that if I’m honest. I may hurt this man. Shuggles - I hear your take and have the same mindset. Hatty65 - I say the same things to myself regularly - is he a grown up?

Thats how I met my ex. The skint guys are always so charming and loving and caring. For them the relationship is work- they will do the work to get into your pocket. You will not see a bad word from him ever, as he knows the game too well.

Would be very interesting to know what his previous relationships were like.

He sounds very very charming and its too hood to be true.