Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

The OP is at the beginning of this relationship and was very rightly appalled to find out a nearly 60 year old man hasn't an ounce of financial sense.

All this talk of holding her boundaries is fine, but the reality is it becomes increasingly difficult the more involved she becomes emotionally, and the longer it goes on.

She is already so invested after a few months, that despite overwhelming advice to hard swerve him, she is still with him.

She was mother in her last relationship and has walked into a similar dynamic.

The more you become involved emotionally the harder it is to hold the line.

Inevitably there will be a housing crisis and she will be faced with him sofa surfing or moving in with her.
It is inevitable.

The OP has spent decades, her whole life, being prudent, only for her to take on yet another dependent as she faces into retirement.

Ignoring that harsh reality does not help her long term.

A financially stretched retirement having to fund two instead of one is not a fun future to look forward to.

Of course he is nearly everything she could possibly want in a man, she definitely is everything a man with no financial planning could want in a woman.

Kind, generous, home owning, solvent, employed, retirement ready.

The fact he is even thinking marriage is a red flag.
A pre nup wouldn't save her in such a situation.

Absolute madnes.
Perhaps my being 60, and being acutely aware of just how much money is required for a comfortable, not flash retirement.

OP, please be wary. You sound more smitten than ever.

@Jemjemima thanks for coming back to the thread - it's always interesting to hear how things turn out.

I must say I'm a bit disappointed to hear your update, but as long as you never plan to live together or get married then I guess it's ok. I'm glad you're happy.

Agree. He’s an operator. I bet the 10yr GF and ex W will have a few stories. There is much more to this - I can’t see how someone of his age earning good money had nothing and debt - without addiction.

You don’t have the same core values and he is lovebombing you as you are his lifeboat - all of the hard work saving for your DCs to set them up and inheritance will now be pissed away. He’s playing the long game and you have been caught on the hook. He will financially abuse you whilst he smiles and nods and strokes your back.

Is a prenup really legally binding where you are? Why would he offer that unless he's hoping to move in at some point? Or have you help him out when he hits a tough stretch. Frankly, you don't sound able to say no. I foresee a housing crisis at some point.

He forgot about a pension of £85k and suddenly "found" it when you were thinking about not seeing him any more due to his poor financial situation? What? Is he really that much of a flake?

I hope you see a certified financial advisor about securing your assets for your children. I really don't think you can afford this bf at this point in time when you need to finance your kids' education and your retirement.

I am listening to everything you are saying. All of it absolutely valid and I am under no illusions. I am adamant to live alone for the first few years - it would be a bit cowardly not to do a bit of work on yourself after a long marriage. I intend to do that and more importantly, a settled home for the kids. I have at least 3 more years working and if I get a hint he is freeloading, I am off. So, I can handle the truth MN people! Xxx

Thank you for coming back OP, and for taking all the comments on the chin. You sound like an incredible, level-headed person.

I too was very conflicted about this guy...on the one hand, he sounds lovely. Plus, once you reach a certain age, it seems to be hard to meet someone who you really click with. On the other, I'd find it very frustrating to be with someone who had allowed themselves, for no real good reason, to be in such a poor place, financially.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on and I'm glad to hear that you're continuing with the relationship - with eyes-wide-open, of course. Plus it's a good sign that you were able to have an honest conversation with him, and he was open with you. Wishing you the very best of luck.

I thought in recent years pension was auto enrollment, so did he opt out? There’s definitely a missing piece of the puzzle here and if he hasn’t provided any explanation as to having nothing to his name coupled with the debt, that’s a ref flag in itself.

I looked over your old posts in this thread.

Is he really the right person at the right time? Can you afford another dependent in the next few years and through retirement?

Has he cleared his debt of 30,000?

What happened with his old credit card debt?

Has he found a new job?

Have you seen a certified financial advisor and made financial plans for the next few years of your life and retirement?

You said he made plans for the future after you bought a new house and you didn't respond and that he got a little hurt. What were those plans?

I think you should work on that codependency. You can't afford to fix this guy. He's not hinting, he's flying huge red flags that you have just plowed right on past and you should examine why.

I am adamant to live alone for the first few years

There you go - the great big gaping hole in your boundary - that’s when you will lower the drawbridge because by then the grooming and lovebombing will have had you cooked.

In 3 more years he won’t be anywhere near financially solvent. This relationship is not reciprocal or equal. It’s like quick sand - the longer you leave it the harder it is to have any agency. He sounds both desperate and assuming. He has not been honest with you - none of his story adds up as a narrative or even in numbers - unless he has been a sponging ponce and addict all his life.

I remember your thread. His lease was up in September, is he living in a new rental now?

How can one forget they have £68k pension?

He has absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by being your perfect dream guy.

Too many foolish women are conned by men like this.

His whole life has been feckless, but he will be extremely clear headed as to what he needs, and where he needs to land.

I feel very sorry for your children as they will be who ultimately lose out when this operator gets across your threshold.

The pre-nup offer clearly tells you that you are the chosen one.
A pre-nup isn't worth the paper it is written on.

I have no doubt you will bitterly regret this path, like so many sweet talked women before you.

At least sit down alone and do the math of how your pension is going to support university and retirement for the two of you.

So many middle class pensioners have miscalculated how expensive it actually it is to retire today.

He has renewed his lease for another 12 months. He isn’t an addict - massively into the gym and nutrition. His kids adore him and his family are lovely. They make me incredibly welcome. He has his best friend staying with him from Australia whom he has known since they were 1 - he has nothing but praise but also sadness to his wife’s OCD and what it did to him. He is sincere, kind, loving and makes huge efforts when I stay with him. Cooks dinner, flowers, wine and treats me like something very precious. Nothing like my husband of 25 years who treated
me like his mother, did very little and expected me to do it all including all the supposed male jobs like diy, hedge cutting, chopping wood - never offering to help. The contrast is huge and I actually feel seen! As far as forgetting the pension, he used one of the now largely publicised companies and they found it for him. I do hear you! Who can really tell where I’ll be this time next year and how I will feel. But you have given me a lot of food for thought. Do I write off this person who has a beautiful soul and a loving family who he does everything for because he was cavalier with his finances. Tricky - my kids come first of course but can happiness be that easily found. 🙏🙏

I’ve always said you can tell a lot about a person from the way they treat their children & it’s one of the truest things 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Clearly OPS partner has treated his children very well or they wouldn’t love him the way they do ..
OP had said he has a fabulous family, or are they all really con artists , his kids too 🙄…

OP , it is very hard to find happiness ..
You strike me as a clever woman , I’m sure you’ll have a gut feeling if it’s wrong x

Enjoy time with him if he’s a nice guy.. You haven’t got to move in with him.

Just don't marry him, there's no reason to at this stage in your life.

Missj25 - you are an oasis - so right! Kind words and while it is good to be cautious I am not prepared to harden during this time of my life! Octoberfest - huge thanks to you too with your kind words. I guess we all have to walk a mile in the shoes of someone before we should judge. I have been married for 25 years and worked towards something that now will never happen. Retirement, grandchildren and till death us do part. I have no regrets actually and to have carried on would have been time stealing and nobody has the right to do that. But I have been lucky with steady employment in a job rarely solid or secure. Some don’t have the room to make good decisions while they spin the plates of a situation they could never have predicted. I have done my sums burntlemon and after working my ass off and doing up houses, paying into a good pension and planning for the kids future, nobody will starve. But I know this is not a dress rehearsal and some have it luckier than others.

‘He forgot about a pension of £85k and suddenly "found" it when you were thinking about not seeing him any more due to his poor financial situation? What? Is he really that much of a flake?‘

100% this. Also agree with a PP who says you sound more caught than ever. I hope it works out but like many others all I can see is the flap of red flags in the wind.

Sorry OP, but £85k at 59 years old is nothing. For someone financially prudent (like you and me) this is so offputting. Don’t be afraid to be alone please I don’t know why but I don’t like what you say about this guy. Good luck anyway

You do know the median pension pot at 60 is £137k?

But that’s still shocking .

He sounds like a good guy, snd there are not many out there. However, this would be a big issue for me as I am careful with money and plan. If you got to your older age together how would you go on holiday etc or even cover the basics

Go with your gut, op. Just don’t marry him or join finances. He sounds lovely as a person and that counts for a lot.

It would be interesting to compare the financial situation of his last partner - I wonder if she was a homeowner and financially sorted? If so he is a cocklodger.

He still hasn’t explained how he has not only through his substantial earnings but also acquired £30k debt? Did he have an expensive hobby, a passion for cars, what was it? When and why did he go into debt? Was in a one off lump sum for a reason or drip drip drip?

Has he always been employed? Him being sacked / let go / unfair dismissal - rings alarm bells as would need investigation.

You need to understand forensically his spending habits and how and why he chose to get into this level of debt alongside zero housing and zero pension. Because this is who he is and he won’t change - except to now use your resources - as I suspect he has used other women’s resources.

I wouldn’t be too swayed by nice friends and family - they likely have been bailing him out for years and relieved that there is someone else there to pick up the slack. Many flakes and fraudsters are totally charismatic and charming it’s the key skill of the assignment.

If you have now already softened and now see his financial situation as ‘acceptable’ then why not live with him - you could substantially relieve his financial hardship if he paid less rent and bills (once your DC have left home) - allow him to clear his debt and invest in a pension?

My dear friend had a similar charming guy living in her property - they were saving hard together to buy somewhere bigger - so she didn’t charge rent so that the pot would grow - and he cleared off once he had saved enough to set himself up in a property.

He was sincere and ashamed and said he would even sign a prenuptial so there would never be any threat to my finances.

I don’t think pre-nuptials are not binding in the UK.

You talk like you’re in a Danielle Steel novel.

Enjoy his company op but do t move in together or get married and don’t let him use your credit cards etc. he’s still a huge financial liability even if he is sweet and kind.