Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

So start your own thread where the positions are reversed and see how it goes.

Why would a lady taking care of her financial security and her children into old age a ‘money grabbing fun sponge’
In my view she is a considered, sensible and intelligent person making wise decisions for the future.

If you would like to hook up with a freeloader that will drain your capital dry that’s your choice, I can’t imagine it’s much ‘fun’ though.

If you take him as in the relationship progresses and he moves in, you’re effectively taking his debt. You might not be paying it off but it’ll affect your daily living when he can’t go out for dinner, or go on holiday, or pay rent. Because he owes £30k, has no assets and no income. It affects your retirement because he has no pension provision. But I suspect you know this.

More likely its a wannabe cocklodger that cant even offer a decent cock.

He will be taking a large slice of the pie that you have fought so hard to create and support for your DCs - emotionally and financially.

People like him on fat salaries who have made no provision for housing and pension are selfish hedonists. I am not surprised he has a string of failed relationships behind him.

I think his ex-wife may have another narrative regarding his financial support for his DCs.

And his ex-partner will have another interpretation or a reason why they were uable to move forward / commit their relationship.

Some spaffing that type of money with little overheads has likley had an addiction (drink, drugs, gambling etc) - which he might have come through or is active or relapsed - hence the relationship breakdowns.

The 'unfair dismissal' claim - might well be related to the above - poor behaviour, attendence, performance at work.

My guess is the wheels have come off and you are his gravy train.

No wonder he is grooming you. Watch how his demeanor changes when he knows you see though his BS and are not going to bank-roll him.

Everything he takes from 'you' - he takes from your DCs.

I hope your talk goes well op, stay strong and resolved.

We found the level then....says it all really,but what I was expecting

Yet here you are.

Yes comedy value is high on here ...it's like the gift that keeps given .Bonkers lot....

Wow like I said a horrible lot alright money grabber fun spongers......image if a guy said this about. WOMAN ...OOOH red flag controling freak ,

I would advise any single parent of any gender to prioritise protecting the emotional and financial security they have fought hard to secure for their children

How the heck do you get in 30k of debt when earning that well? No flat, no car.

This is the tip of the iceberg. Run. You're just not compatible at all!

Hi OP. Here are two takes on this.

The first, written as though I’m your best friend.
The second is written as your financial advisor.

• Love is not enough—especially in midlife. You're not shallow or "money-focused" because you're questioning the future with someone who is financially unstable. You're being realistic. At this stage in life, love alone can't carry the burden of long-term compatibility, especially when financial values, responsibility, and life planning are deeply misaligned.
• Guilt does not equal obligation. You are not responsible for rescuing or fixing this man. Guilt often shows up when you’re a kind, empathetic person trying to make a tough choice that might hurt someone you care about. But guilt should never be the compass by which you steer your future. His financial state—and approach to it—is not your fault, nor your burden to carry.
• Patterns matter more than promises. It’s telling that when asked directly about his finances, he said "it’s all fine." That’s not transparency—that’s avoidance. The red flags you’re seeing aren't about being broke; they’re about someone who is 59, deep in debt, with no financial accountability, vague promises about a payout, and "cavalier" plans for it. You don't hate love—you’re honoring your instincts.
• You’ve done the emotional labour. You were honest from the beginning. You communicated your priorities and did your part in keeping the separation from your husband respectful and your children stable. You are not “running away” now—you’re protecting your future self and your children’s stability.

From a Financial Advisor’s Perspective:

• You are entering a critical financial stage. You're soon to be single, selling your home, and supporting a child through 5 years of university. Your resources, retirement strategy, and liquidity must remain protected. Taking on someone else's financial chaos could delay or even derail your long-term security.
• Debt is not the only issue—it’s the mindset. A person can recover from debt—but only with a disciplined and humble approach. You’ve noted evasiveness, poor financial choices (lease car, multiple cards), and “big payout” thinking. Those are massive risk factors. Financial compatibility isn't about how much money someone has—it’s about how they manage it.
• You’re already subsidising him. Paying for half the meals and weekends away may feel fair now, but that can quickly shift into being a caretaker if he loses income and runs out of options. Based on what you've described, he is financially dependent already—and increasingly so.
• Ending it now is cheaper—financially and emotionally. This may sound blunt, but it's true: the cost of ending this now is far lower than staying longer out of guilt and eventually being tied emotionally or financially to a man who cannot or will not contribute equally to a shared life.

i hope some of this can help you clarify your thoughts and future actions. Good luck!

My issue is about the values and life with someone like that. I would struggle that, despite earning a very good wage, someone does not have the self-control, awareness, or the foresight or the practical skills to manage money. Which would make me wonder what else is 'lurking' due to the lack of these skills and attitudes.
It is not like it is someone saying 'I want to dig myself out of this situation. It came about out of my control, and I am doing everything I can to get out of debt and build savings'.
So I would end it.

This!

(and should be in classics)

There’s nothing more attractive than a man that has his finances in order and can look after you if required.
I’m financially independent and married. 3 kids and I continue to work for my own money & pay into the house. However, my husband has stepped up on many occasions to support us. As have I. I just think it’s a nice quality.
We are however married, financial instability.. it’s immature and a red flag! 🚩
don’t take on anyone’s else debts

@Jemjemima How did it go with him? Hope all is well

Jemjemima how did he take you telling him it over? I know it was not easy but it was the right thing to do. Let's us know what happened

Firstly, thanks for all the advice -
all of it valid and hugely helpful and so nonjudgmental. I will hear the groan but I am still with this man. I decided to talk to him about it and he held his hands up -
admitted he’d been cavalier with his finances, didn’t blame me for being cautious. His separation from his wife broke him and he just lost his way. He was sincere and ashamed and said he would even sign a prenuptial so there would never be any threat to my finances. He is a rare man and has shown himself to be completely dependable, when I was in a car accident recently, not bad, he drove 2 hours and just sorted everything out. I feel very happy with him
and safe and loved absolutely. He has since been making huge efforts, he is working now and has been in touch with all his past employers and found a dormant pension of £85k. Not a fortune but something to suggest he wasn’t entirely blind to his future responsibilities. I am just going to see how it goes. I will be selling up next year and will be living alone and I have made that clear to him. He understands and it would be very foolish to move in with someone anyway after a separation with no healing time. Thanks again Mumsnet members xxx

Morning .
This is a lovely story 😊….
so far so good 👌 , he does sound like a lovely man PP , I hope everything works out for you guy’s ..
Stories like yours show that there are good men out there too ..
Best of luck in life x x

No groaning from me, OP, I think he sounds nice and you'd be foolish to break up over something so superficial. The fact you were able to speak to him about it is a good sign and his reaction also speaks volumes.

As long as you are sensible about your own finances and don't bankroll him (which doesn't sound likely) just enjoy the enjoy the relationship for what it is and see where it goes.

I was one of the people who felt that it was possible to keep your finances separate and still have a positive relationship so I was pleased to read your update. Glad the car accident wasn't serious. Good luck for the future!

He is a rare man and has shown himself to be completely dependable, when I was in a car accident recently, not bad, he drove 2 hours and just sorted everything out.

I’m going to be the one that puts a downer on things - sorry!

If your partner gets into a car accident, it is the done thing to go and help them and help sort things out for them.

I did this for my colleague who is known for less than 12 months and never even spoken to outside of work.

I hope you don’t overlook much bigger issues because he does things like this, when any man should do things like this for you.

However, I was one of the ones who said I believe you can have a successful relationship with a man who is in a different financial situation than you.

I am a single parent, I have no savings and a small pension and some debt but I am still very good with money and I am a good person/partner.

He’s made some mistakes and he’s had a divorce etc and I’d never share finances with him or get married but money isn’t everything and as long as women make their own money and keep things separate, then it’s fine.

I avoid men who have too much money/success as I (probably wrongly) find they are not very nice.

If he is a good man, then carry on.
Just don’t get married or share finances, I probably wouldn’t live together, at least not for a good 4 years.

You can be in a relationship but still maintain your independence and it sounds as though you’ve got your head screwed on and I’m pleased you’ve found someone you get on so well with.

I'm not groaning, I always felt you were judging him too harshly.

I hope it works out for you, he sounds a good man, from reading mn, they're like gold dust!

He was sincere and ashamed, even offering a prenup?

Madness. He's hardly going to be celebratory and proud so I don't see his reaction as anything to be pleased about.
It changes nothing.

A prenup? So he does think you will be living together and married at some point?

And who would be the mother/adult in the relationship?
You.

You have just walked into a similar relationship as your marriage.
Nearly 60 and not an ounce of sense.
No way would he be as attracted to you if you were as feckless as him financially.

Your calm, rock of financial sense is a huge attraction to him.

I am sorry but I think you are making a huge mistake.

As for the car business?
My husband did that for my friend when her husband was away on business.
It's what people do.
Don't over inflate it.

That feels rather harsh. Nothing the OP has written so far has shown her to be blind to the risks of her situation. And it's been clear from the beginning of this thread that her daughter is her priority, and she won't do anything to jeopardise that.

I honestly believe that if she keeps a close eye on things and doesn't allow her boundaries to be eroded by mission creep, the OP is very likely to be fine.

She had the nous to come to Mumsnet and ask other people what they thought from very early on, so she certainly wasn't blind to the risks of her situation.

My reading of this is that she has every chance of a long and happy relationship with this man, as long as she maintains her boundaries both now and in the future, and if she doesn't hesitate to break things off the moment they start to feel iffy.