Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

I disagree. The ‘practical side of things’ is the foundation to a stable life.

I don’t think you can be romantic about money when you’re older. Neither dh or I had a pot to piss in when we met but we were early 20s. There is no way I’d be willing to sacrifice the last 20+ years of saving up and going without to a new man who hasn’t done that but has had good financial luck and just pissed it away. I’m glad op that you are ending it as you will only get more involved and you don’t sound like the kind of person who could see your boyfriend go homeless if he couldn’t pay his rent.

Plenty of posters seem to think being nice and a good shag is more important than being able to take care of yourself, so I don’t think he’ll be single for long 😁

Not sure what his new girlfriend thinks, she is a lot older than him and has assets.

Thats no accident. He targeted an older woman as she would be 'grateful' for a younger guy - no surprise she has assets.

Classic cocklodgers MO.

They never 'fall in love with' a woman without assets.

Trust your gut and get out - now - or you will live to regret it !

Can't imagine why but this made me think of OP's soon to be xbf.
Beware the romantic play list OP. Hope you extricate yourself with dignity preserved all round and don't beat yourself up about it.

https://x.com/jeepu67/status/1937303857060630856

Never take action in FOG.

These emotions fear, obligation or guilt are not about your values or well-being - they are about meeting others values and needs. It always goes wrong.

Stay strong. Dont remain his friend because he will try to groom you (make you feel like a million dollars or will have some invented crisis health/family etc where he 'urgently' needs your support) - dont fall for it like all his other relationships.

You are still a single parent to teens - they need our support and direction until they are 25. Your teens have had a family breakdown so will inevitably, even subtly experience emotional bumps along the way - they dont need your time, emotional energy, headspace and attention wasted and distracted being hyper-vigilant on keeping this guy at arms length where you miss something with them.

Close it right down. Leave no chink of light for him to exploit any emotional FOG.

Are you the OP's would-be cocklodger?

Yes, it really is.
Life isn't a rom-com where you fall in love with someone, there's a few twists and turns and then you live happily ever after.
If you don't have a practical, stable foundation with both partners bringing approximately the same to the relationship the whole thing quickly descends into resentment and then all the romance goes straight out of the window.

Times have changed. Gone are the days when a couple of 18 year olds got engaged, then married, then moved in together and built up a life together, had children and stayed together until one of them died.
More and more marriages these days end in divorce, which means more people looking for partners later in life which also leads to a lot of imbalance in financial situations and also, unfortunately, some people (of both sexes) who haven't managed to prepare well for retirement for whatever reason who then look to someone else to top up their pension.

You take him on then. He's going to be single soon.

Yep my idea of fun is taking on £30k of someone else’s debt, providing them with housing and daily living expenses while they fritter away whatever money they do have. Thats a total barrel of laughs.

I have dated people like this too @Jemjemima and I think you are doing the right thing. For me, it was a case of my values not aligning. I have worked so hard to be financially independent and stable. It has been a massive priority for me to ensure that I will not be a burden to my DC and that I can stand on my own two feet now and in retirement. When I dated men who told me that they had no assets or savings, pension etc it was an immediate no, because I knew that they didn't prioritise the same things in life as me. Absolutely nothing to do with being money grabbing at all.

There is nothing wrong with either way of being, but you aren't going to want the same things going forwards at best. At worst, you potentially have a man who is looking for someone else's nest to lay his head and get comfortable at no cost to himself.

Good luck this evening. No need to go into details about why you don't want to continue the relationship, you can just say that you don't want to and that is reason enough.

@Jemjemima Good luck with ‘the talk’ and stay strong. I know it will be difficult but you’re doing the right thing. The only person you need to be a caretaker off the moment is yourself .

The first time my DD was told about the new girlfriend he said that she was rich 😱

Who even says that about a new partner...surely it's about personality and other good traits, not about money in the bank.

I despair but actually just relieved I don't have to put up with him anymore.

In the time we've been divorced I've managed to save up a deposit and buy my first house (completed yesterday).
I always wanted to buy but couldn't when we were together as he spent all his money on crap and gradually I paid more and more of the household outgoings so there was never any spare money🙁

What @SortingItOut describes makes much more sense. There is no incentive for the creditor to accept a lower rate if they are going to continue to be strung out. They will only agree if they get paid upfront (albeit with a discount).

Again, I question whether he would be getting the money for this unless he is robbing Peter to pay Paul. Maybe getting yet another loan? If he cannot explain it properly (though there is no point to ask ,OP, assuming you have made up your mind and are going to end it), then that shows his lack of financial literacy.

Except that Redbarron is probably another cocklodging male. Match made in heaven.

Congratulations sorting it out on buying your own home.

Your doing the right thing Jemjemia in ending things with him. I was chatting to a friend about your situation and she said there nothing as attractive to a broke man as a woman with a house and money.

I have a friend who is in her early 50's and lives in a house with no mortgage. She has a job at the moment but plans to change job's to improve her income, savings and to put more into a private pension.
I know in the future she will be getting several inheritances and I say these will be around £180-£250k. My friend has a fwb situation and meets this man occasionally.
She has decided not to get into a relationship because she wants to protect her house, income and in time her inheritance. She has seen broke men in action and does not want this.

Huge congratulations - thats a momentous achievement for you - despite him - and a wonderful role model to your DD. Hope you have a few pennies left to celebrate in style.

Thank you.
My son is also hugely proud, DD's Dad was his StepDad and he knew the crap I went through.

I had a bottle of champagne given to me a few years ago so cracked that open 🍾 🥂

What a woman you are👏👏👏your son has every reason to be proud of such an achievement.

You have given him the gift of knowing you are going to be secure in your future, priceless.

I rest my case ......

Wow like I said a horrible lot alright money grabber fun spongers......image if a guy said this about. WOMAN ...OOOH red flag controling freak ,
....think about eh ..you don't help the cause

Who says you got to take on the debt ??? ok date a completes cock or ichkie guy is ok if they got house and pension omg.....

Nothing is as attractive as a solvent woman! Enjoy a casual fling maybe but do not start feeling that you owe him anything. You and your daughter will have enough to pay for in the next few years.

He is a 56 year old adult not a 16 year old child!

Good for you OP!