Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

It's unfortunate that so many people focus solely on the financial aspect when giving you advice. However, if finances are a significant concern for you, it is a sign that you're not truly in love with him. In that case, it may be kinder to end the relationship, allowing him the chance to be with someone who appreciates and finds happiness in what he has to offer.

Hmm it would be very different responses on here if OP was a man and the new partner was a woman! Oh yes

Well why don’t you find a men’s forum then?

Please raise your bar. So many women are prepared to sacrifice their financial security and mental health just because a man is nice to them. It’s so sad.

Financial compatibility is important, and too many women end up sacrificing their very hard won financial security for men who being next to nothing to the table. Being with a decent, kind person is an absolute minimum in a relationship. At a later time in life a common attitude towards finances matters because nearing retirement isn’t the time to start to build your pension pot.

And I’d give the same advice to a man - don’t combine finances with someone who is clearly irresponsible.

End it. I have a family member like this. They don’t change. There will always be a big payout just around the corner and in the meantime cap in hand for rent money. Out of curiosity- is he an overeater as well?

So start your own "thread" and see how it goes.

Keep things as they are.
No joint accounts, nothing where both of you are signing the same contract, whatever that is. No being a guarantor for his flat or for his loan. No moving in together. No lending him a big chunk of money until his unfair dismissal claim comes through.
He may well accuse you of not trusting him to pay it back. Just be honest and say that he's right.
He might tell you the truth about where the money's gone, or if it has, for example been gambled away, then he may make up a cover story to save face. If you keep things as they are then you don't really need to know why he is so broke.

Agree. These guys always need to be charmers to keep grifting. Would be interesting to understand why his previous relationships finished.

Its interesting that some are saying you are too financially focused - but the reality is is that he is. You are a fabulous target and prospect for him.

He's not persuing a woman of equal means to himself is he?

You really dont need your head to be scambled worrying about keeping this loser at arms length. You have DCs who you need all your emotional capacity for over the next few years. You all deserve better.

He's love bombed and future faked you - you are more enmeshed than you realise. Act on your gut. Expect him to invent a crisis or make up some deadline to hang on to you for a few more months for him to groom your futher.

He is disrespecting your values and boundaries by begging.

RUUUUN.

Wow Lifeislove - I admire your attitude to be honest! I wish I could do that. Just shut down any conversation regarding his finances and carry on having a nice time.

No not at all. Into the gym and watches his diet

I have read all your updates.

You can't afford him.

and you most certainly can't ever marry him.

How do you know he is not a fraudster?
Remember those women married to secret service agents . . .
Except they weren't. And when it all came out eventually realised they were not married at all.
As he had a wife and children in Idaho.
Where he frequently returned but not on govt business.
Whatever is the truth in your case OP his use or misuse of money makes it a non runner.
Glad you hadn't got more entangled.

End it

Not saying this man is a killer, statistically unlikely - but when I hear stories like this I always think of that case of the murdered children’s author Helen Bailey.

She was in her late 50s I think, had recently lost her husband in a freak accident and was clearly very vulnerable. She started an blog about bereavement and this unemployed man of a similar age got his claws into her.

I think he was living off the money he got following his wives death (it later transpired her killed her too for money ).

Helen had significant savings and assets she had built up while working in the media when younger and her books had sold very well in her later years, plus she had no kids. This creep swept her off her feet, moved in with his two young adult sons and then long story short he killed her and immediately started spending her money. He had also got her to change her will before he killed her so he was looking to make a serious financial gain

Highly unlikely your guy is a killer, but my point is a lot more men than we are led to believe are after women’s money. Where there’s a mismatch you really need to keep your wits about you to discern their true intentions and motivations.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2022/jan/18/killer-of-childrens-author-goes-on-trial-charged-with-murdering-wife

Old saying but true: love flies out of the window when money walks out the door. Big mistake to stay with him. Listen to your gut and not your heart. He is on a win win with you & you have nothing to lose but yr home, money, and sanity. Be cruel to him in order to be kind to yourself longterm.

Oh my goodness, please be practical! End it!

What a bastard! So glad he revealed himself. Did he try and get in to the house? How did he react to the wedding being called off?

Just keep it friendly, but keep a tight rein on your own finances, and don't get deeply involved. The biggest deal-breaker in a relationship is different attitudes to money, and unless things change drastically he's going to be flat broke soon. Even if he gets a big payout, with his attitude he'll fritter it in no time. Money shouldn't be your primary objective in a relationship, but it matters - a lot!

I have decided to bring the meeting forward to tonight. After talking to you I have to get rid of the dread in the pit of my stomach. He has been texting me with genuinely kind messages but this has to end. Ultimately, I have felt sorry for him and obviously I can’t say that as how patronising would that sound, but I did! He was extremely protective and made me feel like a million dollars. He was supportive when my husband was being awful to me and I guess I had somewhere to retreat to. But, I have left a relationship because I became the mother and he let me do it all, I can’t now become a caretaker to somebody else! Thanks again, there has been some brilliant advice here xxx

What a horrible lot some of you sound..Bitching about money and pensions boring money grabbers.. live a bit it could be fun..l

I can live frugally the rest of my life if I keep my wits about me. I had 1 guy trying to be charming to me - no assets and no real job - but at least I didn't fancy him and had no probs keeping him at arm's length.
My Nanna lived in a tiny bedsit for all her retirement and I don't want to be like that. She was widowed in the Great Depression with 2 small kids so not exactly her fault but I can't do that. I just have to focus on being steady and frugal and I'll be fine.

I suggest you do too. There isn't much out there for you when you're old and poor.
"Old age ain't no place for sissies" is a quote that aging is not for the weak or delicate and implies a need for resilience and strength in the face of its difficulties.

I think he had misunderstood, you don't buy the debt from the company l, you agree a settlement where you pay a % of the amount outstanding and the company write the rest off.
So if he owes £1k they may let him pay off £700 and they write off £300.
Sometimes they will accept lower but only where the debt is really old and token payments are being made.

Where is he getting the money to clear all the debt even if its less than what he owed?

Great idea to bring it forward.

My ex husband is one of life's spendthrift's, always got to spend every penny he has and more.
We are now split for 7 years and still he is running up more and more debt.
Spends thousands on our daughter for Xmas while I have a budget of £300.

He pays her phone bill too but most months it bounces and she nearly gets cut off!

Not sure what his new girlfriend thinks, she is a lot older than him and has assets. They had an affair and she left her husband so there will be plenty of money soon.....