Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

What was he hurt out about? That you didn't want to move in with him?

I bet he's making plans for the future. I would prepare yourself for a romantic proposal, done in a way that is especially thoughtful and designed to tug at your heart strings.

Just not mature with his finances but has complete faith he will be ok and won’t sponge of me! And that is why I felt so
conflicted!

He’s saying all the right things but it’s hard to see how he won’t be sponging off you given his current financial situation. Any settlement is doing some seriously heavy lifting if he thinks it will solve his debt problem, find somewhere for him to live and support him in retirement.

No - that I was reminding him of his failings I think

Unfortunately people who are poor with money, have lived like there is no tomorrow only love a prudent person and often seek them out.

In effect they hand over provision for their future to the "sensible" one.

However charming and nice, why would anyone wa t such a thankless job as the responsibility for the retirement of another.

A comfortable retirement is a huge blessing and many who thought they would have one are rethinking it, in this economy.

Your children need you to keep thinking with your head not your heart.

They need to come back to a safe place with you from university, it adds to their security during a time of upheaval.

It would be interesting to identify what he’s actively doing to change his situation. Is he in work, aggressively paying down debt, looking for ways to maximise his income. If he honestly sees his current situation as a failing, what is he doing to make realistic changes. Or is he just waiting for a settlement that will never come while aligning himself with a much more financially aware woman?

I’m guessing his sadness was more about realising no sensible woman would take on his financial carelessness.

he has frozen the credit cards and therefore no longer paying huge monthly payments. He says he will offer to buy the debt at a cheaper rate 😬. Yep - I hear you all - ffs

So he’s looking at a DMP which will wreck his credit score and mean he doesn’t end up repaying what he’s borrowed. Instead of finding any work he can, pulling back on his lifestyle - that he can’t afford - and putting everything into getting debt free.

What financial system is he following? Dave Ramsey’s baby steps is good if a bit Americanised - having a system to follow and a plan is essential if you’re not naturally good with money.

I’m sure he’s a lovely guy but however his dismissal case goes- he will be looking for someone to support him. He can never get a mortgage, so let’s say absolute best case - he wins and gets enough money to pay his debts, buy a car and house. Then he’s unemployed on benefits for 8 years until he gets basic state pension. And this is someone who in 40 years of adult life has never managed to budget or financially plan, so I find it unlikely that those habits will suddenly change, so he’ll be in debt again. Just don’t take that trip to la la land with him

I am sure he is being wonderful! He can see his next meal ticket - if plays his cards right for a while he will be set up for life - no pension required.

Your to different for it to work
It will cause you stress being with him ,when your trying to be careful with money and he has a different attitude
You will end up parenting him ,and it will lead to resentment
Definitely let this one go
Financial independence is worth more than any relationship

Also would you really want to be with a man who doesn’t align with your financial values which he clearly doesn’t . I couldn’t imagine being with someone now who couldn’t plan a holiday or two a year with me (our next adventure no matter how silly ) or spoil future grandchildren without worrying too much about the money .
My dh is much more rich and money savvy than me but I came to him owning my own home even though smaller it was mine / own car / no debts and a great pension. I also told him I did not need him to financially support me because I had a decent job thank you. Now he spoils me rotten and I get it amd love it don’t get me wrong, but he does it because he wants to not because he needs too
You will basically have a man child to look after
It’s sounds like you are an amazing mum and role model to your children don’t change that for a man x

I should create more space. Book a two week holiday abroad somewhere with your daughter and go away. Keep the phone switched off whilst away. Don’t even give him precise dates. Just go away for a spell.

Stay strong OP. You are headed in the right direction to moving forwards without him.

Be careful of the face-to-face meeting. He will pull every stunt in the book to make you melt. Remember you don't have to make a decision on the spot. Give yourself breathing space by saying, you want to think about it. End the meeting and dump him by text and block. Sorry but that is being cruel to be kind. He will have to find another 'victim' soon before he is homeless in September or start getting his act together.

Anyone who plans for their retirement has usually been doing it over decades, not just for themselves but also to leave a legacy to their dcs. Don't let this opportunistic cocklodger-to-be snatch the grand prize just as your plans come to fruition.

Sory, did not mean to quote @Puglicks.

OP, how did you meet this guy? I cannot see you have answered that question.

He says he will offer to buy the debt at a cheaper rate 😬.

What does this mean? He is asking you to loan him the money to pay off his debts and he will pay you a cheaper rate?

Tell me that is not you mean. If I am correct, he isn't even hiding his spots anymore.

Run, OP, run like the wind.

Being broke is strong motivation to treat his financially stable, home owning girlfriend very well.

You are financially incompatible with this guy. That's the bottom line. Lots of relationships founder on finances, this is that

It sounds like he's already trying to weasel his way into moving in and is playing a little hurt that you've wisely made it clear your new place will be for you and your children only. That's manipulative.

If he is trying to move in, he's going to play the game. A crisis of some sort will come up, as previous posters have said and he will only need to stay a couple nights or a week and then you're fucked. What was his job? Did it require skill and concentration and focus? If so, it's likely he's got a retirement plan and you're it.

Con Men like him are a dime a dozen. They're charming and treat you well because they want housing and domesticity from you. When they get it, you will see another side.

Yeah, what is this offering to buy his debt at a lower rate?????

No - you can offer to effectively buy the debt off the credit card company as a reduced rate. No he hasn’t asked me for the money x

blueshoes I was out in a nice pub with some friends and was being hassled by a bloke at the bar and he stepped in politely and told him not to be so disrespectful! Yes - I know and no this guy wasn’t a plant as it got a bit heated and my soon not to be boyfriend diffused it amazingly. Nothing happened until a month later and I bumped into him again and we got talking! 🙄

He can never get a mortgage, so let’s say absolute best case - he wins and gets enough money to pay his debts, buy a car and house. Then he’s unemployed on benefits for 8 years until he gets basic state pension

This isn't a realistic best case, unfortunately. Unfair dismissal cases have a fairly standard amount of 1.5 weeks wages for every year you worked for the company. So - IF he wins his case for unfair dismissal, and he's worked there for 10 years, he's basically going to get 3-4 months wages as a payout. If he's worked there for 2 years, then he'll get 3 weeks wages.

That won't buy him a car, a house, or pay his debts.

Unfair dismissal case … do you know what both sides of this situation involved as even unfair dismissal of he is suing will not pay out enough for a house car debts and retirement that’s unrealistic if he thinks so surely .

A years pay would be an excellent result in an unfair dismissal case I would have thought.

That will not go far in his situation.

It's known as a full and final settlement. Debt company usually buy the defaulted debts (defaulted debt is a big red flag anyway) at about 10/15% of value) chase the debtor, make an arrangement but after a while, will accept a lump sum and write it off.

I've read the full thread and I'd just "go with the flow" here. He's definitely your divorce rebound lover (nothing wrong with that if your eyes are wide open) and you just keep moving on with your house sale/purchase, move and keep living your life.
Just keep dating. No staying over or making plans (it's only 6 months after all) and just have the date nights and the great sex.
Stop talking about futures or finances and just enjoy the superficial nature of it.
He'll be working hard on you (I'm sure of that as he's pretty destitute really) and you just benefit from the attention and adoration.

Close down any conversations about moving in and if he has a typical 'cocklodger' crisis and needs a place to stay for a while, you say no and just ignore.