Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

I expect he will live off your pension and assets when you both retire. I'd be "a lovely man" too if I had those prospects awaiting me.
I'd also totally lose respect for him after a few years.

I get what SomethingFun is saying but has the op indicated that she wants to join forces/set up house with this man - or with anyone? If she is not I see no reason. to end the relationship just because he is short of funds. She enjoys being with him. Different if they were going to live together for the rest of their lives but they live separately and it is still a fairly new relationship.

You need to untangle yourself from this. Financial incompetence at his age is a huge red flag.

Because he’s not going to get his payout and he doesn’t have a job so eventually his landlord will kick him out and where is he going to go? Is he going to go the council and say he’s now homeless and end up in the grottiest hmo in the area? Or is he going to be knocking at op’s door even if she’s said she doesn’t want to live with him. And what’s op going to do? She’s not going to say no room at the inn and shut the door is she? I can’t think of anyone I know wno wouldn’t let someone they care about stay a few nights if they have nowhere else to go.

I’ve read enough mn to know once those feet are under the table they go nowhere without a nuclear bomb under them. She can’t just keep him for nice chats and sex. If he got wind op would never give him room, board and money, they’d be off the table anyway. The nice chats and sex are the down payment for his future comfort, and it’s not exactly a hardship for him anyway. I’ll give you a fiver if, assuming op stays with him, in a year’s time he still lives independently and she still thinks he’s an awesome guy and excellent lover. I’ll give op a tenner if she’s nowhere near him then 😁

I think, even without a calculator involved, your gut instinct is telling you something is not right.

your body is warning you. Listen to that and good luck x

He's got emergency housing crisis written all over him at some point.
Its how so many men like this strong arm their nurse with a purse target.

Don't fall for it.

Sorry but trust your gut and run for the hills x

She has been replying.

She's come back 4 times with answers to questions plus several other times with responses.

"in September "his employment and insurance stops paying"
This means in September he's going to have further financial difficulties."

In September OP's eldest starts Uni too.

September will be high stress for her.

I think OP means she owns her own house, has no debt, has savings and a pension.

people underestimate how easily one can get attached to people

Yep, get a cat or dog instead. Easier to get attached to, cheaper to keep and they don't live as long!

Well you are motivated by money so don’t lie.

You've been very wise OP. Some bridges just can't be crossed without self sacrifice

Definitely most definitely get a dog( sheer adoration from my boy) Best male I've ever lived with( excepting 3 sons ofc)

And she’ll have room at the inn when his crisis hits, and she’ll be further into the relationship and feelings will get in the way.

One of my friends mum's is in her late 70s, in an unhappy relationship but unable to end it as he is penniless and if she does he will literally be on the streets. Don't be her.

The judgement for op considering finances is insane! Neither of them are young enough to start again financially and it’s not op’s responsibility to make up for this man pissing away the retirement planning he should’ve done for 40 years of working.

I’d also question how wonderful he is to start up a relationship with someone who is just separated and obviously vulnerable whilst he’s dealing with his own work and financial issues. That op helped him find his small pension and knows all about his issues within 6 months of meeting suggests poor boundaries on both sides.

I have said that when the family house is sold I will be buying a house alone. I can’t expect the kids to come home and somebody else be there so soon in their new space. It’s selfish to think that that would be ok. He knows how hesitant I feel when he makes plans for the future and I don’t respond. I have asked for space for a week to dilute the situation and will speak to him on Wednesday face to face. I am 56 and talking with friends, it’s a minefield out there but even though my heart really feels for this man, my gut is constantly nagging me and I can’t play with this man’s feelings even though I actually think he is just one of life’s man child with money!

So he knows you’re going to buy a new house. Do his future plans he is so keen for you to buy into include him living in the house and either marriage or him being on the deeds perchance?

No and he’s said this! He is all in but I have said Incouldnt marry a person in debt as it would threaten my kids inheritance. Sounds harsh I know. Everything everyone has said is right. You cannot change somebody who hides from their financial responsibilities. I would like to find someone new one day and I may chase after finding such an amazing connection but this is riddled with warning signs and the pure volume of advice saying ‘run’ has sealed my decision. I actually hoped you would all say, no, stay with him, life is short. Men like this are rare! Thank you and thanks for being Frank and honest xxx

What kinds of plans is he making? Is he talking about moving in together?

He is all in but I have said Incouldnt marry a person in debt as it would threaten my kids inheritance.

How did he respond when you said this?

He knows how hesitant I feel when he makes plans for the future and I don’t respond.

With a 30k debt, no pension and no assets, how can he possibly be making plans for the future that don’t involve your hard earned cash. What makes him think he has any right to even think of making plans with your money@, let alone talk to you about them.

You would be crazy to go along with any plans of his that don’t involve him matching your financial input, pension and spend, -pound for pound.

Sorry OP, but no wonder he’s loving and generous in other ways and desperate not to let you go.
Do not fall for that charm.
Wait and see how consistent that charm is when your plans don’t include rescuing him from the disaster he has recklessly made for himself all his life.

He was a little hurt but got it too! I have no idea how this unfair dismissal case is going to go. Unite the union have got their lawyers dealing with it all and he has been very transparent about it. It’s difficult as he has a lovely family and is a genuinely good man. Just not mature with his finances but has complete faith he will be ok and won’t sponge of me! And that is why I felt so
conflicted! But even if he does get a decent
pay out - it won’t subsidise his state pension 😔