Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

I’m in my mid 50’s and lucky enough to have taken very early retirement but am regularly contacted about taking on a short term contract or full time employment.

Sounds like your organisation is ageist?

That 25k pension -- well found. Because presumably he'll be drawing down the value of that to live on, in the coming year or maybe 2.

Good grief, this is one of the most naive things I have ever read on here.

You do realise that this is exactly how financial abusers and scammers trap their victims? by being the kind of charming, superficially caring men that make you "feel" looked after and cared for despite their financial irresponsibility. OP even said she met this bloke at a time when she was feeling vulnerable.

This man is wheedling his way into her life after being blessed with a large amount of funds that he frittered away on goodness knows what and he now has absolutely nothing. At age 59. After earning a huge salary. Does that not strike you as somewhat suspicious? Open your eyes- this is exactly how women get scammed and taken advantage of. Also, I note that HE isnt chasing a woman in debt with no assets is he? He clearly values solvency in a partner but just doesnt care to do it himself. Urgh.

I agree that the vagueness about how he got into this dire financial predicament is vag-clamping territory.

Whilst credit to your dh who managed it through discipline and planning, at 59, the chances of this man being able to generate income to claw himself out of debt and fund his retirement are pretty slim. At best, he is looking at a subsistence retirement on state pension IF he paid his NI stamp. As another poster said, the 'ship that is coming in' re: the litigation payout is a classic scam tactic designed to make OP subsidise him by stealth until she is in so deep she is too embarassed or emotionally entangled to leave him out in the streets (which will come to that if he is in debt with no income).

More mixed maritime metaphors. If there is hope of him getting back on an even keep financially, I'd say that ship has sailed.

This is the typical hobosexual/cocklodger modus operandi.
A couple of other people on here have already mentioned the mantra "No man falls in love as fast as one who needs somewhere to live".

He's got himself into difficulties and in September "his employment and insurance stops paying" (What is this insurance btw?)

This means in September he's going to have further financial difficulties.

A hobosexual falls in love with a financial solvent woman, with her own home (usually mortgage free), a good job, a few other assets etc. They are charm itself.
After an appropriate amount of time there's some kind of accommodation or employment emergency such as: losing job; needing to quit work due to being bullied or stressed (claiming they'll get a payout later); nasty landlord wants to sell the property and kick them out; family member they are crashing with or flatmates get pissed off with them and want them out; money for rent running out etc.
Because the woman is already invested and loves the hobosexual, who has been nothing but kind up to this point, the hobosexual can easily persuade her to "let him stay just for a couple of months until he gets back on his feet" even if the woman has said all along that she doesn't want to live together.
Those months turn into more months and then just as the woman is starting to get fed up with this, there will be some other emergency. If the hobosexual hadn't lost his job before, this might happen at this point, or he quits, or there's a mental health crisis at a convenient time (yes, I know all about mental health crises but I'm specifically talking about hobosexual mental health crises). This means the woman can't kick him out at this point because she'd feel terrible and there you have it, a full-on cocklodger who isn't working and isn't paying his way and isn't looking for work either because he can't because of his mental health.
Very, very hard to shift them at that point.

NB: this can also apply if the sexes are reversed or in same-sex relationships

So glad he showed his colours. She should’ve called the police about him driving her car without her consent too. He was obviously testing the waters for the marriage. How did he react after, bet he started stalking her?

This is why I asked the OP how she met him.

Lots of women (and men) are being targeted via dating apps by individuals with this agenda. Some are very well practiced at it and very good at getting their hooks into someone emotionally. It's a well known grift.

I'd also be very suspicious of his story because it really doesn't add up. Either he has assets he's not disclosing and is essentially targeting the OP as his next opportunity or he hasn't been honest about his past and what's led him to this point. I suspect there's a lot of skeletons rattling in the cupboard.

@Jemjemima you certainly made the right choice to get yourself out of this relationship. Something doesn't add up.

I don’t understand this, unless your salary difference is minimal and your house isn’t expensive. I’ve often wondered with men poorer than me I want to go on lots of cruises as I get older and enjoy nice things what if they can’t afford it? My house is far nicer and central than most men I date. It would be a no brainer which house they’d prefer to live in. Even for dating e.g restaurants, pubs, holidays how much money you have dictates what your preferences are. I don’t want to camp or slum it in basic hotels and I’m not paying for a grown man so would make dating really difficult..

Good on your friend. Someone moving in should be a joint decision, not made by one partner because they were becoming homeless.

@snughugs I don't want to go on cruises though, and I don't want to go to expensive restaurants or hotels or whatever. I can see it would be an issue if I did, but the things I like to do don't cost lots of money. Also, I have friends that I travel and do things that cost more with. I don't want or need a romantic relationship that is in all parts of my life.

This should be taught in schools.
The only bit you missed is if she asks him to leave he will threaten to kill himself.
They never do

Oh yeah, I forgot that one. I suppose it's part of the mental health crisis I referred to, always conveniently timed for when they are asked to do something they don't want to.

Should have remembered that as my ex said things like that to me too when I insisted he look for work. He was signed on at the unemployment office (different country so different rules) and he kept telling me there were no jobs but it later turned out he'd been offered 27 interviews and had gone to none of them so the employment office stopped his payments which also meant no health insurance. There was more to it but for the sake of being brief, he told me he was in a deep dark hole and wanted to end his life. So I rushed home from work (where I was exhausted working extra hours to pay for everything) to find him sitting in bed eating a pizza and drinking a beer.
Anyway, I then said he had a month to get the hell out. There followed further suicide threats but nothing came of it and he told a friend in another country that evil me had thrown him out on the streets (actually he was still sitting on the sofa in my flat, because of course, it was my flat, mortgage-free) so the friend and her husband paid for his train fare all the way to their country and let him stay "just until he got back on his feet" where he then leeched off them for over a year (or rather he leeched off his friend because her husband was also not working so she was left keeping both of them while also trying to work and deal with her own health issues). I think at some point she must have got pissed off with him and asked him to move on because the next thing I heard was that he'd finally got a job in another area.

> I hate to be practical when love is involved!
Practicality has to come before romance

Run for the hills. He will manage to get in your life even if you think you have strong boundaries and you don’t want him to Moab in. If he does get in your house to stay he won’t move out. He will cook and clean and fix some small things, will help with your daughter moving out or whatever and you will like it and your will not realise how quickly 3 months would have passed and then it’s too late. Then if you do try to get him out of your house he will claim you owe him in personal time for cleaning etc and will demand money or things from your home. He might steal things on his way out, IF he goes out. In the end he’ll have anything from you and your children too.
If you break up do not have sex again with him, pity or for the fun. If you are still fertile he'll try to get you pregnant. Beware of using your personal details and getting any debts loans in your name as a last trick when he realised he didn’t manage to get in your life and be your cocklodger. I’m sure he can’t wait for your daughter to leave and then come into your place, the big payment coming is lies or you will never see anything of that in a sense to see him improving his life. I'm not even sure he indeed worked for the company he said, better look his name if it comes up with companies house, especially with companies he opened and closed one after another. If he’s an immigrant, there’s a high possibility he even might have a house in his country that he’s building, renovating and decorating. Run for the hills, don’t look back and be careful to not leave you pregnant. He will turn upside down everything in your life and you and your children will suffer. You don’t care why he’s like this but to protect yourself.

I can relate to a point - I was seeing someone who was solely paying ex’s mortgage as well as his own rent .
There was never money to do stuff . He had a teen son and presumably the arrangement would last until he at least 18.
Was a shame as we got in really well but im not at all flashy / demanding etc but am at a stage in my life where I want to do fun stuff and he wouldn’t have been able to .
I guess it’s what is important to you!
For me , I’ve been prudent for years and now want some freedom / fun .

As PP stated , it doesn’t have to be serious just be careful it doesn’t become the norm that you are subbing / paying for everything

This.
keep it cool and casual and don’t get involved seriously with this guy.

It wouldn't bother me at all unless I were planning on pooling finances (which I never would).

Keep households and money separate and there's no reason to back off.

Why waste time on a relationship that you know you can never progress?

OP is better off investing her time and effort in a relationship with a future.

Easier said than done. Not everyone can compartmentalise and turn on and turn off emotions in this way.

OP is recently post-separation and vulnerable. If he is a predator, he will know how to choose his victims.

She should not even let him anywhere near her because he is going to slowly slowly erode her boundaries like a frog in boiling water.

Absolutely.
And all that "don't let him move in, don't pool finances" can easily go to pot when the person you love is suddenly in a dire situation and asks you if they can move in for just a few weeks to get back in their feet. That's the problem with it. It's very hard to see someone you love suffering and not hold out a hand to help them, especially if you've been vulnerable at some point or still are.
In they come, for just a few weeks and then that turns into months and you find yourself supporting them, them not contributing to bills etc. and it becomes an even bigger problem to deal with.

Exactly. I think people underestimate how easily one can get attached to people. Better not to let it get that far.

I dated a man who had no assets whatsoever and a similar debt. I paid for everything as I knew that anything he paid for was added to the credit card debt. He was a lovely man but I couldn’t see a future with him

So true!

You dont seem to understand that compulsive spenders come with a whole host of other issues.

It’s so upsetting how easily women are tricked into falling for someone who is clearly a terrible long term match or a full on fantasist because they are superficially nice and caring to them and/or a decent shag. How low the bar is for men and how many have slunk under it for op to think this man is possibly worth giving up her secure future and her daughter’s future for, even for a second! Fairytales can bugger off.

The odds of separating from an unhappy marriage and instantly meeting the perfect Mr Right are absolutely minuscule and you must know that op. He will turn up at your doorstep one day with a wilting bunch of daffodils, a suitcase and a sob story and only the stoniest of hearts wouldn’t let him stay for a couple of days and then he’s in and that’s that.