Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

Of course he’s kind, living and generous. He’s speculating to accumulate.

You want to break up with him, so do that, because if you don't you already know there's a chance he will bleed you dry financially.

I would never marry or move in with this man. I'd keep it casual and date him, but nothing more. However you're stopping yourself from meeting someone who would be a better fit for you.

Have you considered gambling? It's such a secretive addiction that it might not be obvious to you.
You are not financially compatible. Don't risk your and your children's future. You have worked so hard and you need to protect yourself. Run it's only been 6 months and listen to your gut.

That's a good decision OP. Mumsnet is full of threads from women who suddenly discover that the man they're dating has moved in, taking advantage of their generosity and starts to bleed them financially (and often emotionally) dry .
Sadly part of the attraction seems to be the woman's property and financial stability.

Very sad but true.

Some folk on here need to be reminded that this man (apparently) has been earning £70K a year for some time. If true, he has no excuse not to have a pension/savings etc instead of being £30K in debt!

How about framing it as having a different attitude to risk, OP, instead of focusing just on money? You're not compatible anyway. You deserve much better.

Another poster who doesn’t answer questions! It makes me so mad that they come on here, vent, people reply with sensible suggestions but the poster has run for the hills!

If you like him, just keep things as they are. Live separately, keep finances separate, split bills when you go out. If you keep things like this, his finances are not your responsibility and therefore shouldn't impact on your relationship.

Obviously, this may not suit you and you may want to marry again/ live with someone, not just have a live out boyfriend , in which case you probably do need someone more financially responsible.

I am at work at the
moment and can’t always respond. I appreciate everyone’s responses hugely!

Just looking at this conservatively
Let's say house equity 100K
Inheritance 80K
Salary over 10 years @ 40-51K take home = 5 years 40k and 5 years 50k
= a total of 450K salary
180K cash

= income of 630K

Yet he has 30K debt

So what has he spent 660K on?
He supported his ex wife and 2 DC forc2 years post divorce but aside from that why has he absolutely nothing, not just nothing he has debt?

Your gut is telling you that this imbalance is a problem, and sadly I think it's right. It's a niggle now, but in the way of these things it will only get bigger as time passes.

Whether you finish it now or hang on for a bit I think it will eventually spell the end of the relationship.

RUN! You stand to lose much of your security.

If you are very strong, keep him at arm's length, as a fun person to know. But bear in mind he'll have your financial situation sussed out just as you have his, and it will be influencing his behaviour.

I met my husband when I was going through a divorce. He was divorced and had definitely got her ducks in a row i.e. she'd cancelled all the direct debits from the joint account, stopped paying anything in took all the money out. By the time he found out, there were things going on for a few months with his health and surgery so he'd let her run things and she obviously hid letters, his building society were threatening all sorts and he was thousands of pounds in debt.

He did have a pension and a mortgaged house. I used the money I got in my divorce to clear his debts and mortgage arrears. We married quickly, Mumsnet would be going crazy. Here we are 40 years later with no money worries although his health has got worse.

Sometimes it works out.

If I was 59 and had no pension or assets, I would be extremely nice and caring and supportive to a solvent, single, home owning man I was dating too.

He's going to be very poor very soon. Do you want to be picking up the tab on all dates? Feeling pressured to support him financially?

Bluntly, it sounds like he has been a reckless chancer his whole life.

BTW these men who always have excuses and something coming along such as payouts, something to sell, business will come good are called future fakers.

It's never their fault , it will come good, just lend/ give me money until then, don't be harsh to me, I'm trying, it was my ex/ boss/ someone else's fault, you are the only one who understands me, no other woman comes close to you, I need you, I looooove you soooo much blah blah

Bullshit

I have seen people making some bad financial decisions when they were younger. They realise that things have to change when something goes wrong and they have not the cash to fix it. Imagine getting half the value of a house and an inheritance of £80,000 and ending up in his position? That's years of making no plans, high spending and no consideration for his long term future.
Meanwhile you have been financially responsible. You recently got divorced and you may be getting money due to this. Your planning how manage your finances over the next few years to help your kids with university. Your ex husband needs to help his kids out with these costs also. Get your kids to get a part time job as well to help with their expenses now.

You did the right thing in telling him it over. My feeling was that he was planning to move in with you. He have no shame in asking you for money down the line and of course he pay you back with this large lump sum he is going to get from his former job. Even HR people here said that an unfair dismissal case won't give him a large lump sum he expects.

The truth is that you want to be with a man in a similar position to yourself and whose finances are not a total mess. You have to look after yourself, your cash and your kids and a broke man is not your responsibility.

I get what you are saying, but to be honest, I think this way of thinking has worked against women forever.

I think we are brought up to value above all else those attributes which make us feel comfortable around a man, to the neglect of the things which actually stand out as likely to cause us trouble in future. I am thinking of when I was a teenager, all those stories of love across the divides, it doesn't matter if he has problems that mean he's effectively not looking out for himself if he makes you laugh and says nice things.

And the end result is that a lot of women went with affectionate feelings, and ended up with men who wanted to be looked after. Or didn't even actively want it, just sort of let it happen.

OP what it says to me is that either he's had a catastrophic event happen which has lost him all his assets - and that might not be his fault exactly - or he is a very short-term non-planning kind of a guy who will just let you pick up his lifelong slack if you're so inclined. Or worse, he's all woo, the universe will provide, god will provide - I couldn't bear that myself (because the universe/god will probably be some poor woman).

For every time an enormous gamble like yours works out, there are a 100 such tales where women are living on a budget due to having to stretch THEIR pension to include a relatively newish relationship that somehow became their responsibility.

Only naive foolish women get caught like this.

Can you let me know where you get your statistics from, obviously sometimes things work out and sometimes they dont but the mumsnet mantra that they never work out isn't true is it.

OP this man is LYING TO YOU. You do not get to 59, earning £70k and have NOTHING to show for it for any good reason.

Oh but he has a big payout coming from an unfair dismissal…sure he does. It’s also highly likely he’s in more than £30k debt.

OP this isn’t about not wanting to be with someone unless they are a high flyer with their shit together…your man is clearly, CLEARLY actually dodgy. It’s actually difficult to get to 59, earning £70k and have nothing but £30k debt. That does t just happen unless you have an unprecedented serious of catastrophic events, which I’m sure you’d have heard about if that was the case. Have you actually known him as having a job? Of when you met was he “recently made redundant for a £70k job”?

I disagree. Being secure is clearly important to OP and why should she be with someone who has ‘cavalier’ ideas of money; why should she be funding someone else’s lifestyle.

Is he part of a union? Has he received legal advice on the merits of his claim for unfair dismissal/age discrimination?

Has he received advice re. clearing his debt? e.g. from organisations such as this

https://stepchange.org

So your DH wasn’t 59 with no job, no mortgage and no pension then? So…not really the same at all.

I’m sure if there was a specific explanation for why OPs new man was in the situation he’s in she’d have mentioned it, but it doesn’t sound like there is. Or not one he’s willing to admit to. Anyone can can find themselves in hard times but to find yourself at 59 with having never had a mortgage, pension and £30k in debt but supposedly” recently made redundant from a £70k job” isn’t a tough couple of years you have to get yourself on top of. That’s something else entirely.

To all the people saying 'if you get on well otherwise, money shouldn't be a deal breaker, it's fine as long as you have sensible boundaries, don't live together' etc - it really doesn't work like that. Someone who is so chaotic with money needs and craves financial support, and they will get it one way or another.

It may or may not be calculated. Such people don't necessarily see themselves as scammers. Quite the opposite in fact - they might think of themselves as poor but noble, and it's the duty of the more fortunate people who love them to share their wealth.

"If I had the money, I'd support you" was one reproachful message I started getting from my ex. About a year in, I'd say - after the initial mutual flurry of treats and gift-giving had died down. Just like OP describes, this was another starry-eyed, later-life, 'miraculous that we've found each other' relationship😏. Needless to say it escalated until he exited and tried to claim half my house.

So my advice - in the fog of new love, try to keep a part of your brain alert. Because sometimes red flags come with hearts and flowers and rainbows on them.

Obviously, I had no idea you were at work. But I still can’t help wondering why you would post something that clearly requires a response when you knew you wouldn’t be available to reply! That is a bit annoying when people think you need them, but then disappear when they try to help.