My DD is 18. I want to preface my post by saying that I love her. I want the best for her. She's talented and smart and funny. She's aspirational and interested in the world.
Life with my DD is unbearable most days. She's always been somewhat tricky , has control issues I would say, doesn't always connect well with other young people but does have a few close friends. She is a glass half empty sort of kid and while It's been hard at times , we stayed close and muddled through.
Fast forward to now and she's been studying hard A levels for the last two years. She has crashed and burned so badly that I do not recognise her.
She cannot tolerate even the smallest of requests from me , and I mean tiny ones like 'pick up your cup off the floor'. She is verbally abusive, says dreadful things about the kind of parent I am, and quotes long diatribes about being a toxic parent / she's going to go no contact when she's financially independent/hopes I rot in loneliness when I'm older.
It's just the two of us. Has been for a long time. She does see her Dad occasionally but he's a let-down on all fronts. She runs when he calls though, and I know that deep down so many of her issues are connected to him. Some days my life feels unbearable because for the last 2 years, I can't recall a single act of kindness that she has extended to me. She snarls when I speak, has taken to physically pushing me out of her way if I try to insist on a conversation, tells me to piss off/get out/ etc. my DD lives in squalor in her bedroom, I'm ashamed to say that it's so bad that it smells the entire upstairs. I tell her not to eat up there but she pushes past me and puts her headphones on to block me out. She is clean in herself but sometimes wears dirty clothes because she won't put them in the laundry basket but also won't let me in her room to take them out. She hardly leaves the house so entering her room anyway is not as easy as you'd think. She will physically push me out if I enter. Many, many times I've resorted to telling her that I cannot have her live here and act like this and she just snarls and says she won't be going anywhere.
My DD only interacts me to ask for lifts money or something else. She is escalating every week. There isn't a shred of her former kind self I can connect with , no matter how hard I try. I dream of selling my house and moving to a one bed flat that she can't come to. Believe me when I say that I feel like the mother she says I am, when I think this way.
I've tried to get her counselling. She won't go. She isn't going to university either. She does say she will get a job soon so that's something. I feel desperate most days