I don't know how much longer I can parent my young adult DD

[intheshallow]

My DD is 18. I want to preface my post by saying that I love her. I want the best for her. She's talented and smart and funny. She's aspirational and interested in the world.

Life with my DD is unbearable most days. She's always been somewhat tricky , has control issues I would say, doesn't always connect well with other young people but does have a few close friends. She is a glass half empty sort of kid and while It's been hard at times , we stayed close and muddled through.

Fast forward to now and she's been studying hard A levels for the last two years. She has crashed and burned so badly that I do not recognise her.
She cannot tolerate even the smallest of requests from me , and I mean tiny ones like 'pick up your cup off the floor'. She is verbally abusive, says dreadful things about the kind of parent I am, and quotes long diatribes about being a toxic parent / she's going to go no contact when she's financially independent/hopes I rot in loneliness when I'm older.

It's just the two of us. Has been for a long time. She does see her Dad occasionally but he's a let-down on all fronts. She runs when he calls though, and I know that deep down so many of her issues are connected to him. Some days my life feels unbearable because for the last 2 years, I can't recall a single act of kindness that she has extended to me. She snarls when I speak, has taken to physically pushing me out of her way if I try to insist on a conversation, tells me to piss off/get out/ etc. my DD lives in squalor in her bedroom, I'm ashamed to say that it's so bad that it smells the entire upstairs. I tell her not to eat up there but she pushes past me and puts her headphones on to block me out. She is clean in herself but sometimes wears dirty clothes because she won't put them in the laundry basket but also won't let me in her room to take them out. She hardly leaves the house so entering her room anyway is not as easy as you'd think. She will physically push me out if I enter. Many, many times I've resorted to telling her that I cannot have her live here and act like this and she just snarls and says she won't be going anywhere.

My DD only interacts me to ask for lifts money or something else. She is escalating every week. There isn't a shred of her former kind self I can connect with , no matter how hard I try. I dream of selling my house and moving to a one bed flat that she can't come to. Believe me when I say that I feel like the mother she says I am, when I think this way.

I've tried to get her counselling. She won't go. She isn't going to university either. She does say she will get a job soon so that's something. I feel desperate most days

It’s not an excuse but normal parenting doesn’t work. You can’t demand or ask things like you can with NT children no matter how much you try, I still do it but it’s definitely not a simple solution

It really does help as it gives you a reason to understand why and what she is feeling, normal parenting doesn’t work with ND children. It’s obvious from this thread how much people still don’t understand this and think normal parenting tactics will work, I thought the same until my youngest and no amount of discipline works at times and you really need to pick your battles for everyone’s sake as it just escalates the situation

I’d look at parenting ND or PDA.

Lower demands

Reward the good

Avoid confrontations. It just makes everything worse. Also sanctions don’t work but rewards do.

Oh my goodness, she’s obviously tried this repeatedly over the years! Do you seriously think her demanding an apology from her daughter will make her daughter apologise now at this age and that she doesn’t attempt this and is so worn down? People really have no idea of living either this kind of behaviour.

She was really kind and caring as a younger child. It's only in the last few years that's disappeared hence me thinking it was puberty related. Teen brain and all.

Other traits - with clothes I would say yes. She has favourites she will stick with. As a child more so. Got bothered by material types and would rotate the same few outfits. Loves fashion though, so typical teen in that way.

You need to change the domestic dynamic.

You are both adult housemates not parent/child. That means living parallel but separate lives. Everyone responsible for their own food, laundry, housework. Separate cupboards in the kitchen, shelves in the fridge/freezer. No lifts anywhere, housemates just don’t do that.

If she’s not in education and not working she can claim UC for some income to tide her over until she’s found a job.

Your (difficult) job OP is to bite your tongue very hard after setting out the arrangements as above. She needs to see the consequences of her disdain for you.

Does she make and keep friends, misunderstand others intentions? Being ‘younger’ than her age is noteworthy for me. As is her burnout from finishing y13.

There is a lot there that is worth exploring. Also, I wonder then tempers are flared on both sides that rigidity and misunderstanding verbally communication may play a part. I know people will label your daughter as ‘rude’. My dd gets this also, but she isn’t. She doesn’t understand what people are saying, misreads what they are saying, is burnout from masking and just answering a question. In the kind is stereotype way that I would ask my kids if my dress is nice and they would say no it doesn’t suit you, rather than delivering it in a different way.

Next time things get tense, it might be good to observe this - maybe helpful? It’s good to hear that there are also nice interactions.

OP I feel you would benefit from reading this book "never let go" by Suzanne Alderton her daughter had very bad mental health and she runs a mental health charity now which is extremely successful and helped many many parents. While you find the time to acquire this book and read it (I find it you most useful to get it on a listening device as I don't have time to sit down and read). I would set yourself one month to do a little experiment.

Set aside all expectations ignore talking about her Room ignore talking about her Future, just provide good food and safety, instead of saying why don't you go out?
Say say I was thinking of trying one of those new frappe's in Starbucks, fancy coming? Then if she doesn't come no questions asked

don't talk about her hygiene or her clothing just literally step back from any single comment that could be deemed critical or demanding

after one month if you have no change in her reception of you. Then you haven't lost anything, you're already in a turmoil so what difference will it make realistically if it doesn't work?

However if it does work it might really turn things around.

also I would definitely read up on autism in girls. it can be extremely difficult to diagnose. My daughter is 19 now and was diagnosed at 17 however she was into all the usual teen things fashion make up animals certain pop and film stars etc however as a young child her interests were a little bit more way out, the signs were there as a young child however she is extremely intelligent and started masking from probably age 2 to 3 and spent her entire childhood masking, it was not picked up by anybody. Until she crashed and burned at exactly the same age lower six form the executive functioning required for A-levels was just too much for her. She was getting really behind. More stressed couldn't cope with the social side. Couldn't cope with life in general she spent six months in bed after her diagnosis. She has slowly slowly improved. She had a part-time job. She started socialising again. She's less demand avoiding although it's still there to a point but understanding her and understanding herself has hugely benefited her. She also does take sertraline which takes the edge of her anxiety.

The other thing I would consider is her hormones. My DD is extremely sensitive to her hormones and we have found birth control pill that suits her however she was put on the coil. but the hormone in the coil sent her anxiety sky high so we had it removed. She actually had to give up her part-time job due to that so don't under the estimate the hormones, as well autistic people are extremely sensitive to female hormones.

Lastly kids with Autism and adhd without learning disability can be extremely clever and intelligent They watch people and can manipulate you. It's a myth to say they can't do this. Executive function wise. Organising themselves. Do daily tasks etc. they are generally about a third behind thier peers so a 17 yo can be super intelligent but have the organised skills of a 12/13year old. This is extremely important to realise.

I wish you luck and id definitely consider a diagnosis for her sake.

I would say my DD has struggled with friendships on the whole. Preferred adult company a lot , even when other kids were around and i think this is because the pressure was too much. She had a tendency to be intense with them, hold them to very high standards of behaviour and when they fell short , it was all consuming. The positive side of that though is that she too held herself to high standards with friends and was loyal and supportive to the max. When it wasn't reciprocated, she would notice immediately. I think in a lot of ways her approach has held her in good stead because she knows what a good friend is and also behaves like one. The possible negative side of it is is that the intensity was too much for some and she didn't leave much room for the fact that her friends were young people ' still learning 'how to be a good friend. She would be like a coiled spring sometimes , and uptight and it was not for everyone. To this day I'd say she's upright still , and tends to moralise about things that really just should be laughed off , if that makes sense. I would also say she reads much more immoral intentions behind someone's behaviour than is the reality. She is pretty scathing about adults in her world for example who have fallen short of ' proper' behaviour. For example ,she recently learned that my sister has started smoking again and you would honestly think she'd been smoking crack cocaine. It's not just from a health point of view , it's a moral one - she is genuinely appalled. In a way I sometimes feel she attaches much more sinister feelings to things that are seriously not that deep and this is the kind of thing that I think affected friendships in the earlier years. She does seem to be fine in her current friendships though so perhaps it's just adults she holds to imposble standards of how they should be behaving in her eyes.

Does she treat you badly (verbal abuse, insults, etc) in front of other people? So if you had a friend or relative visit or you were both in public, would she speak to you the way she does when you’re alone together at home? I think the answer to that is important, as it will indicate how much/ little control she has over her behaviour.

This is good advice,

Mine crashed in y 12 too. 2 years ago,

Sjr hid in her room, coulfnt cope with any questions ( even what would you like for tea?!£, Shr was too exhausted to wash her hair. She began to get better about a year later.

Just finished an access course.

No. She isn't friendly towards me in front of them but she would never dare speak to me the way she does in anger

@intheshallow

It sounds really tough dealing with this alone. Do you think counselling would help you to unpick this?

This is really good advice. Thank you so much. I will try it.

My DD too spends many many hours in bed. She has studied hard for her exams but also spent days weeks and even months not working and lying about it. She was in denial about how much time she spent not working and it affected her relationship with the college. She seemed to hover between doing nothing and doing a lot and never anywhere in the middle of those two extremes. It's been a hard couple of years but it's in the last year that it's gone to shit. Not leaving the house except for college, skipping classes constantly , eating badly , deteriorating social contact, and the increasing squalor.

Doctors visit , counselling , contact with college - she would not engage with any of it.

Yes I think I need some outside help myself now because DD won't engage in any for herself just yet. She said she will think about it for next year

I agree, I have to do the same with something happening in my life. We need space to breathe and get support for ourselves too. Good luck.

I don’t think it’s true to say that people with Autism lack empathy - but it can be a bit wonky. It’s not unusual for girls especially, to be passionate and emotional about causes; animals, the environment, Palestine, but not to be able to consider the feelings and viewpoints of people close to them. I think this can be exacerbated by spending time online where debate often lacks nuance.

@intheshallow please keep on keeping on and get some real life support. I promise it’s not you! Although sometimes we think it is. I have a DD who is completely different (although who actually has other autistic traits). I am not sure I have to power to have influenced two children so much!

I agree with wonky. She has it for some things and not others. She is really unforgiving about adult mistake-making. i could get on board with teens not being able to realise adults aren't perfect , but where I struggle is the moralising about it. Attaching much more 'badness' so to speak, to a percieved mistake than actually fits the 'crime'.

Btw she holds me to much higher standards than her Dad. He frequently travels for leisure for long periods of time and works away too. She has periods of time where this upsets her and other periods where she excuses him. He also woefully under- supports her financially and she feels sorry for him about that, while being pretty vicious towards me for not having a better paid job. I know this is because she is conflicted about his sporadic interest in her life and I've been consistent. I know she's lashing out.

Everything you describe sounds just Luke my child who was diagnosed very young. Was she a challenging toddler?

This sounds so like burnout,

Honesyly she needs to stay in her room, avoid social contact and no demands on her, it’s the only way

I don't know if this is helpful - I'm aware your DD's behaviour is quite extreme - but I found Lisa Damour's book Untangled, about parenting teenage girls, really useful.

Consequences and rewards imposed by adults don’t always work for some kids. It increases the pressure to comply, which raises anxiety and either makes behaviour worse or sets up a horrible power dynamic that can cause even more conflict. The aim should be to have minimal demands and so lower anxiety. Then you can build back up from there. That’s a PDA approach but also can work in other situations.

Starting now Id stop all treats with the expectation of them being a bribe for good behaviour. Equally try to stay out of arguments and imposing consequences. The aim should be absolutely minimal demands on her. Keep your boundaries where absolutely necessary, but be prepared to go to the wall over these. Mine would be any sort of physical violence, and an agreed minimum level of personal hygiene. That’s it. Ignore everything else and let her recover. If she opts to stay in bed, let her.

She will come back OP, you just have to parent very differently to get there.

Yes very. Very chilled baby by the toddler years lasted a very long time. It went on for years. The tantrums lasted hours. I wasn't very good at managing them though. I would get wound up myself looking back. I could have done so much better at helping her to regulate. I was on my own with her but still, s he needed better.