I don't know how much longer I can parent my young adult DD

[intheshallow]

My DD is 18. I want to preface my post by saying that I love her. I want the best for her. She's talented and smart and funny. She's aspirational and interested in the world.

Life with my DD is unbearable most days. She's always been somewhat tricky , has control issues I would say, doesn't always connect well with other young people but does have a few close friends. She is a glass half empty sort of kid and while It's been hard at times , we stayed close and muddled through.

Fast forward to now and she's been studying hard A levels for the last two years. She has crashed and burned so badly that I do not recognise her.
She cannot tolerate even the smallest of requests from me , and I mean tiny ones like 'pick up your cup off the floor'. She is verbally abusive, says dreadful things about the kind of parent I am, and quotes long diatribes about being a toxic parent / she's going to go no contact when she's financially independent/hopes I rot in loneliness when I'm older.

It's just the two of us. Has been for a long time. She does see her Dad occasionally but he's a let-down on all fronts. She runs when he calls though, and I know that deep down so many of her issues are connected to him. Some days my life feels unbearable because for the last 2 years, I can't recall a single act of kindness that she has extended to me. She snarls when I speak, has taken to physically pushing me out of her way if I try to insist on a conversation, tells me to piss off/get out/ etc. my DD lives in squalor in her bedroom, I'm ashamed to say that it's so bad that it smells the entire upstairs. I tell her not to eat up there but she pushes past me and puts her headphones on to block me out. She is clean in herself but sometimes wears dirty clothes because she won't put them in the laundry basket but also won't let me in her room to take them out. She hardly leaves the house so entering her room anyway is not as easy as you'd think. She will physically push me out if I enter. Many, many times I've resorted to telling her that I cannot have her live here and act like this and she just snarls and says she won't be going anywhere.

My DD only interacts me to ask for lifts money or something else. She is escalating every week. There isn't a shred of her former kind self I can connect with , no matter how hard I try. I dream of selling my house and moving to a one bed flat that she can't come to. Believe me when I say that I feel like the mother she says I am, when I think this way.

I've tried to get her counselling. She won't go. She isn't going to university either. She does say she will get a job soon so that's something. I feel desperate most days

I don't agree with people who are saying throw her out. That sounds like a path to breaking the relationship entirely - she'll take it as unforgivable rejection - and I don't think that's what OP wants at all.

I suspect this apology will not be forthcoming. and then what do you do?

I really don't. I've just had more days than not in the last year or so of thinking that it's the only way we will survive it. And yet it's an unbelievable gamble to take at the same time

@Fleetheart Keep asking for it and don’t help look for the shoes until she gets it?

What’s wrong with the OP setting some expectations regarding abusive behavior? I can’t understand why some posters are using ND as an excuse for her DD to abuse the OP and never apologize.

Sorry has been hard for her since she was a small child. It's almost unbearable for her. I don't why. I've modelled apologising when I've made a mistake

@intheshallow She needs to learn to say it though, OP. I imagine it’s hard for her to take responsibility for what she’s said, but it’s necessary. No one likes to admit that they’ve behaved badly, do they? I’d give it a try.

People saying shut up about autism... Clearly have NO idea how undiagnosed autism, poor mental health, family issues, single parenting struggles and teenage hormones can cause such an explosive situation. It's not all sensory toys and fun memes, so please kindly do not assume, unless you have direct experience.

People say it might be that because it reminds them of that, of what we may have been through. It's under diagnosed in women and girls, I'll say that again, it is under diagnosed in women and girls. It is also familial, meaning op themselves may have avoidant traits or general struggles as a result and not even know it.

Op, Google pathological demand avoidance, and autism masking in girls and women. It sounds very like untreated burnout to me.

I hear you, and I know it is absolutely verging on impossible as a life. But please don't let your love for your daughter die out, no matter how small that flame gets, and no matter the lengths you have to go to, inclysing living seperately. I doubt she would choose to be this way, unfortunately her behaviour is unacceptable, but if it is something more than just having this personality and being unchangeable, then with work and diagnosis and help, the situation can turn around.

Approach your doctor. For yourself, too. Contact CAHMS, get the (admittedly extremely slow) ball rolling. I'm sorry life is so hard, but there's always space here for you to relieve the pressure and talk.

A true apology means you should be able to put yourself in someone’s shoes. If you lack theory of mind and have a very black and white thinking, is going to be hard if not impossible.
So the best you might get is ‘sorry I pushed you’ with no clear understanding of why she needs to apologise in the first place.

honestly @BruFord, I don’t think you can understand that for these young adults it just isn’t a case of saying please do things and they will do it! My DS has PDA; he also has incredible stamina- he won’t just suddenly go “ oh yes Mum, I understand- sorry!” 😅. It just won’t happen, and meanwhile life becomes a war zone as OP describes.

@Fleetheart How do you stop your DS treating you as his emotional punch bag? My real fear for the OP is that if she doesn’t set some expectations now, her DD will still be verbally abusing her at 28, 38, etc.

Another question I have is whether her DD and your DS treat everyone like this or whether they only do it to one safe person?

For me my DS is like this with me and his Dad (who lives elsewhere); and his sister. I think he’s a bit better with his workmates. I have seen him be super polite as required, but he is volatile as well as tenacious. So generally I tend to avoid making demands as it just doesn’t work. I have realised that calmness is better. However, I know this is not the answer for ever, he is too controlling and it’s impossible to live with. I’m hoping he will move out in the next couple of years. At the moment he does not feel his behaviour is anything unusual, it’s just that I / his sister / his Dad are very annoying. His dad and his sister live elsewhere btw.

I thought burnout too.

Just been through 3 years of burnout with my dd. The only way out is to reduce demands…..

What ever is at play here, and I strongly think PDA, your daughter is struggling and needs treated as such. The posters suggesting coming down hard on her, putting rules in place etc, are in my opinion wrong. She needs compassion, low demands, help, autonomy and love. I’ve been here with my teen and they are now far more regulated and able to show love, but we are very careful with demands. It’s a total mindset change but it works.

My teenage autistic son is like this but not to that extreme. I work in young people’s mh and so many with adhd, asd and personality disorders behave like this with parents, it’s actually abusive and you need firm boundaries, try not to react in anger and disengage when she is being disrespectful. You need to stop doing anything for her. It’s hard to have consequences for their behaviours as it further fuels their anger and hatred towards you. You need to think of your own health and if she is not going to change you need to ask her to leave and be serious. Even if it is contacting housing and looking for options for her. She thinks she can continue with this but you need to make her understand you will not accept it anymore

I’m quite flabbergasted at the number of posters who say op should meet the situation of being verbally and physically abused, emotionally abused and being forced to live in a messy, unsanitary house by being even more compassionate than she already is and giving this adult daughter even fewer demands (even though she doesn’t actually work right now and seems to spend her time expecting lifts and money).

Op is important too in this situation. She is being treated appallingly by her daughter who abuses her day in day out and demands more money and more lifts while doing absolutely fuck all. But OP needs to take it all on the chin, be more compassionate and reduce her non existent demands even further while continuing to suffer from such an abusive toxic relationship!

this DD has no diagnosis of disability at present and to be honest even if she is ND, it’s not a get out of jail card to be abusive like this. And for her mum to just have to accept it. It’s not acceptable. Excusing it because of a possible disability is not doing any of them any favours. Nothing will change.

Op hasn't particularly described being compassionate though. Not to try and knock the op, she's dealing with a very difficult situation, but she says she's having arguments with her dd and then meeting her attempts to reconnect, with anger and resentment rather than trying to find a way forward. Both of them need to change, but only the op is here to talk to, seeking to change. So the change needs to start there.

Nobody said autism and pda is a get out of jail free card. It's merely an attempt to explain what could be going on, so the op can actually try and find some method which might help. which i should think it's a lot more helpful than "kick her out and never have anything to do with her again."

If DD is being met with silent treatments when she does try to reconnect that is abusive in itself so maybe not so one sided. Even if her attempts are feeble. My mother did and still does the silent treatment and it is emotionally crippling and very anxiety provoking to be on the receiving end. I don’t believe either that all of this has suddenly just started.

My DD doesn't yet have a plan beyond her A levels. She just knows she doesn't went to go to university. She is going to work for a few years and decide after that. Currently she is lounging in bed having just finished her exwme last week and I think that's ok for a few weeks , but then I will approach regarding job hunting. She did also say that she plans to work so that's positive. She hasn't had a job before now so fingers crossed that this happens I'll get her out of her head and her bedroom and into real life with other people.

Please can I ask that I am not misquoted in the posts I've made. I really want to learn a way forward and get better in my own communication style but never did I say I meet my daughter's attempts to reconnect with silence. I've been around MN for a long time and I have to say that I find this to be somewhat of a frustration on threads where posters are taken out of context. I said I find it hard to bounce back and meet my dd where she wants to be met. Which is at ground zero with no mention whatsoever of what's just gone before. I will call her out at that point, often refuse point blank to do the thing she's asking me to do , because , yeah , I dont much feel like chatting about that new top she's looking at , or can you help me find my shoes when I've just been called a shit mother half an hour before. I do not give her the silent treatment.
Where I will give the silent treatment, if you want to use that term, is when I'm being hounded from room to room when I've said no to something, and my DD can't accept my no. Won't accept my no, and so will pursue and hound me around the house haranguing me and shouting and cornering me until I cry. Sometimes I have to lock myself inside my bedroom and she's outside it persisting with the thing she's asking for. When that happens , I go silent yes.

The last post I made was for you.

I assumed you meant you were to angry from being called names that you would not communicate. Sorry, it sound like your relationship is in a terrible state and I am not sure how you can change it. My daughter is 12 and can at times be very rude and say mean things so I do know how that feels but no matter how I feel about what she has said I make sure I have a talk with her and let her know I will not tolerate the behaviour but also that I love her and I will do everything I can to help her when she is emotionally overwhelmed not sure how I’d deal
with an 18 year old though.

Some of this does sound like my DD, though less extreme. (She is definitely not autistic.) Being hounded from room to room when I've said no to something is very familiar. (This hasn't happened for a while, though.) She's very intelligent, articulate and will argue rings around me. She can't tolerate negative feelings and will deflect blame on to me even when she has clearly been in the wrong. She's said horrible things and never, ever apologises. She's pushed me out of her room when I've tried to talk calmly to her and she doesn't want to hear it.

She has matured recently, though, and things are a lot calmer, though with the occasional explosion still. On the positive side she can be very loving.

In OP's situation it feels like the DD feels empowered to treat her mum badly. Maybe she feels justified because of perceived poor treatment of her by the OP (not saying this is the case but young people are not always rational). Maybe she likes - or at least gets something out of - the feeling of going too far and seeing how far she can push you.

I don't condone "throwing her out" unless there's absolutely no alternative but I think there needs to be some kind of breaking of this escalating pattern whereby she feels empowered to behave in unacceptable (abusive) ways.

Is there anybody she would listen to, who could intercede in some way?

My dd was like this between the ages of 12 - 18. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at one point, though by the time she was discharged from CAMHS at 18 she no longer met the threshold for this diagnosis. She absolutely hated me, told me every day, was profoundly oppositional and aggressive to the point that a senior psychologist at CAHMS started talking about whether she might have conduct disorder.

It nearly destroyed me and my marriage. It got so bad at one point I nearly moved out.

All the 'you just need to put your foot down' advice - I had it. Also felt like a complete failure. I now look back and see that my daughter was completely unmanageable.

Eventually it passed, but about 19. She's 25 now, tells me she loves me every day, and says she doesn't know why she hated me so much. She doesn't understand how she behaved or how it got so bad. My only explanation is that she went through an absolutely terrible adolescence - that the neurological changes that are part of this time in a person's life were particularly problematic for her, maybe because of her personality type, her mental illnesses, her experience of abuse (by someone outside the home). You know how some babies are miserable and difficult to look after, but turn into happy toddlers? Or toddlers who are appalling - aggressive, reckless, impossible. Well I think some adolescents are like that too. It just goes on for a really long time. :-(

"Nobody said autism and pda is a get out of jail free card. It's merely an attempt to explain what could be going on, so the op can actually try and find some method which might help. which i should think it's a lot more helpful than "kick her out and never have anything to do with her again."

And NOBODY in this thread is qualified to diagnose this adult with Autism based on a few descriptions from OP. She needs a psychological or psychiatric assessment. The squalor and aggressive behaviour is concerning. I think this alone would mean it is prioritised. Please try to get this happening OP. Talk to your GP even if she won't.

@DeepRubySwan I completely agree that the OP needs to speak to her GP for her own sake. Her last post was really disturbing.
This type of verbal abuse can escalate to violence, the OP needs to feel safe in her home.

Won't accept my no, and so will pursue and hound me around the house haranguing me and shouting and cornering me until I cry. Sometimes I have to lock myself inside my bedroom and she's outside it persisting with the thing she's asking for.