I don't know how much longer I can parent my young adult DD

[intheshallow]

My DD is 18. I want to preface my post by saying that I love her. I want the best for her. She's talented and smart and funny. She's aspirational and interested in the world.

Life with my DD is unbearable most days. She's always been somewhat tricky , has control issues I would say, doesn't always connect well with other young people but does have a few close friends. She is a glass half empty sort of kid and while It's been hard at times , we stayed close and muddled through.

Fast forward to now and she's been studying hard A levels for the last two years. She has crashed and burned so badly that I do not recognise her.
She cannot tolerate even the smallest of requests from me , and I mean tiny ones like 'pick up your cup off the floor'. She is verbally abusive, says dreadful things about the kind of parent I am, and quotes long diatribes about being a toxic parent / she's going to go no contact when she's financially independent/hopes I rot in loneliness when I'm older.

It's just the two of us. Has been for a long time. She does see her Dad occasionally but he's a let-down on all fronts. She runs when he calls though, and I know that deep down so many of her issues are connected to him. Some days my life feels unbearable because for the last 2 years, I can't recall a single act of kindness that she has extended to me. She snarls when I speak, has taken to physically pushing me out of her way if I try to insist on a conversation, tells me to piss off/get out/ etc. my DD lives in squalor in her bedroom, I'm ashamed to say that it's so bad that it smells the entire upstairs. I tell her not to eat up there but she pushes past me and puts her headphones on to block me out. She is clean in herself but sometimes wears dirty clothes because she won't put them in the laundry basket but also won't let me in her room to take them out. She hardly leaves the house so entering her room anyway is not as easy as you'd think. She will physically push me out if I enter. Many, many times I've resorted to telling her that I cannot have her live here and act like this and she just snarls and says she won't be going anywhere.

My DD only interacts me to ask for lifts money or something else. She is escalating every week. There isn't a shred of her former kind self I can connect with , no matter how hard I try. I dream of selling my house and moving to a one bed flat that she can't come to. Believe me when I say that I feel like the mother she says I am, when I think this way.

I've tried to get her counselling. She won't go. She isn't going to university either. She does say she will get a job soon so that's something. I feel desperate most days

Well that's the thing some of us are trying to say.. Tough love is completely the wrong approach if this young woman is PDA. the "tough love" the op has tried up till now has led to this point with all the arguing and rejecting the dd when she tries to apologize - all they're doing is constantly equalizing off each other and it's escalating . If op wants things to change, she needs to try something different.

What the heck is HTH?
Is it some sort of hormonal therapy?
A delivery company?
mumsnet is a plethora of abbreviations…!

That's not what you said.

Just pointing out the ableism in stating with such confidence that someone can't be disabled if they're studying.

She sounds awful, needs a rocket up her bum. Why isn't she working and stop doing everything for her. She has become an entitled spoilt brat.
At 18, I had done a levels, working, looking after my nanna, learnt to drive so this burn out crap is bs. My parents didn't give me money or anything, I came from a crappy childhood.
Put strong boundaries in, stop giving her money, tell her to clean her room, get a job and stop being a bum. Tough love.
She has energy to be nasty but can't be bothered to put things in the washing basket.
People are quick to label Autisim. It is not an excuse for poor behaviours.
If she is on social media, probably comparing her life to these celebrity teenagers, this will create more of a entitled Mindset.
Speak to her dad as well.
You sound weak in your parenting skills.

More ableism.

Disabled people don't have to suffer to be valid.

If they are not suffering (as you put it) why would they need to draw attention to it??

But being disabled (if OPs daughter is; she currently has no diagnosis of disability), does not give you a free pass to physically, verbally and emotionally abuse people. The daughter is an adult not a child. She has an awareness that you don’t go around physically and verbally abusing people otherwise she would have done it in school too. Instead, she just abuses her mum behind closed doors. OP is in an abusive relationship right now and a potential diagnosis of a disability does not make that okay

Sorry I never said she tried to apologise. I said my DD will approach me when she's finished with the event /argument / outburst and speak normally. Ask me to something usually but sometimes just asks what time it is or where her shoes are , that sort of thing. I've explained to posters that I am not ready to be helpful in those moments , I'm still reeling , I'm still hurt and dysregulated myself. I tell DD this , firmly, sometimes downright harshly. I accept this isn't the best approach but the only acceptable thing for me to do in my DD's eyes at that moment is to move on, help her find her shoes , tell her the time, fulfil whatever request it is she's asked for. What she absolutely does not do is apologise and she is not approaching me for that. She isn't ever willing to talk about what has gone on before and so when I don't play along, she blows up again.
I accept this maintains the cycle. But honestly in those moments all I feel I have left in my armour is to maintain a bit of my own dignity , so I refused to jump and pretend she didn't just swear at me 30 minutes before.

Thanks so much. I wish I could thank everyone individually. I am reading

This is helpful. And completely true. I have work of my own to do x

I resonate with this. The nervousness. I never thought I would see the day when I'd be nervous to be around my own kid but it's my reality. Hardly any interaction is pleasant. When it is, it throws me off guard and I'm like a grateful child , eating it up.

Thank you. I have a 13 Yr old PDAer & we've had to turn our entire worlds around for him, so I get that.

My 18 Yr old is very recently diagnosed, & because he is so, so different from his brother- social/ excelled at school/ at uni/ easy to parent growing up- we're sort of at a loss how to help him with this waking thing. He sleeps through phone alarms/ other alarms no matter how early or late he goes to bed.

Texts also work well with him. Long conversations go in loops & don't achieve much.

Also, both drive each other insane! 🙈.

Older DS is NT like me & deals with it all beautifully thank God, but he's away at uni.

Hi, I am a single parent of three children who are now young adults, my husband passing when the eldest was 7 and the youngest 3. We have a liberal sprinkling of ND in my three daughters. There is a strong suspicion my eldest is autistic and my middle has ADHD. My eldest and youngest were both very late diagnosed dyslexic, which is prolific in our family. But I want to say how much your post resonates.

My middle daughter was very hostile growing up, picking fights with all her sisters and me, huge, loud screaming matches, very unkind things said. Her room was an absolute tip and she would happily sit in it surrounded by chaos. No amount of pleading/shouting would make the slightest difference. I'm not proud of how I reacted sometimes but every time I lost it, I would give her a little time, go in and apologise because I am the adult and I am meant to show her how it's done. Things improved massively when she left home and about six months later, she messaged me to say thank you for not giving up on her. It meant the world to me, because when she said how crap a mum I was, I believed her.

Sixth form studying, the dyslexia came out in force and my youngest's personality changed out of all recognition. She poured every ounce of energy into her A levels and was a shell of herself. There were simply no spoons left for anything else, no friends, no hobbies, no energy to tidy up, just studying and she also angry, aggressive and quite tricky to live with. It was all consuming.

I think what I've learned from all this, is the help and support they need, isn't always obvious. The neglect of themselves/their rooms is symptomatic of how they feel inside. I did things differently with the youngest, I didn't put any pressure on her at all, I did a little each day to tidy her room, remembering my middle daughter said how right I was that her messy room made her feel 10 times worse but she just couldn't do anything about it - she felt paralysed. (I now understand this to be task paralysis and a difficulty in initiating and transitioning into the task).

I hope you recognise you aren't a crap mum, but that this is a tough situation and that you're just struggling. There's a lot of good advice on this thread.

@CocoKenny I read your post, I hope things work out

I really needed this. Thank you so much. That poem....🥺

Withdraw the lifts !
the meals, the clean washing.

She’s a young adult. Treat her like one.

mothering is not being a maid or a doormat! It’s teaching your children to be adults.

leave the cups on the floor. Leave your cup on the floor.
wash a cup and a plate as you want to use one. Hopefully it’ll only last a few days / try not to cave first. She’ll realise if she wants a cup she needs to bring the used ones and wash them up!

let her see the consequences of her actions, instead of nagging her before she realises.

She may not be apologising, but do you think it’s likely that she is checking in her own way that all is still good with you and that you love her?

I completely understand that might not be ready to be who she needs in that moment, but what do you think in her world a satisfactory response from you would be? And are you able to tell her (in writing if necessary) that you understand that’s what she wants, but that you feel hurt and confused and that makes it harder for you?

Seriously, OP needs to stop enabling her daughter and pandering to her needs.

I know most of mumsnet believes in gentle or kind parenting or whatever the latest name is. BUT children or teenagers need discipline. Discipline is not bullying or physical. She will respect you for it in the long run.

OP, the current approach has not worked so why do you think writing notes is going to change the situation

Throw her out or develop a backbone and discipline her. Do not back down.

I could have written this 7 years ago. I’m still in the same position now, my DD lives at home, won’t work despite being highly educated, is verbally abusive, unless it suits her and she wants something, Please don’t make the mistake I made. Put your boundaries in place and stick to them. It’s so much harder when the are fully fledged adults - if I had taken the pain 7 years ago she would be in such a better position, as would I.

I haven't read the whole thread, but your first post is heartbreaking and I feel so bad for you - for both of you, because she can't be happy either.

I have a DD of the same age and she can be difficult at times (better since she went to uni) but nowhere near this level. I can feel your hurt. I hope and trust things get better.

I totally agree with what you are saying I can see this and hear this playing out with neighbour and her adult DD mine 12 and has been acting out for a little while and I am certainly not allowing this to happen in my situation. The signs are always there you have to nip it in the bud show them they are loved and always come first but do not tolerate this kind of behaviour.

I know a grown man in his 40s like this I couldn’t believe it when he said he was mother his too skint to buy his snacks n cherry coke for the week so he will have to go without. He stays up all night and sleeps all day. I don’t know him that well but I just thought what a sad bastard I have no respect for you and what is his mother doing? Hideous.

When she speaks to you normally after an outburst and wants help finding her shoes, etc. could you respond with something lije “You shouted and swore at me 20 minutes ago. I’d like an apology, please, as it’s not acceptable to speak to other people like that, is it?” Accept her apology and then move on.

Regardless of whether she’s NT or ND, surely it’s important for her acknowledge that she was nasty and that an apology is required before everyone can move on. You’re not her emotional punching bag.

What does she think you have done, to deserve this anger? It seems so extreme - saying she'll go no contact, hoping you rot, etc - that it seems there must, in her mind, be some reason you "deserve" this kind of treatment. What does she or would she say if you ask her?

(I'm not saying it's your fault or that you or anyone actually deserves such treatment!)

Thanks , this is helpful for me to think about. I do ask her when she approaches me if she has anything to say about what just happened , but it escalates her again. Will talk over me and say are you helping me find my shoes or what. That sort of thing. It's rarely good. I accept that I will be contributing to that aggro though in the way I receive her bid for connection, regardless of how she bird for it. I'm the adult. I know she is too, but I agree that she is still a child really. She is mature in her language development and a very smart girl academically but emotionally she is a few years behind that I think. God it's a minefield. I only have one child and I honestly thought it would be easier. I think in my DD's case , it has created such a singular and unrealistic view of the world and what it's like to live in a family. She only really has me to compare it to. She hasn't had to share me , or with siblings etc. We don't have wider family nearby. It's all been so intense for years.