I don't know how much longer I can parent my young adult DD

[intheshallow]

My DD is 18. I want to preface my post by saying that I love her. I want the best for her. She's talented and smart and funny. She's aspirational and interested in the world.

Life with my DD is unbearable most days. She's always been somewhat tricky , has control issues I would say, doesn't always connect well with other young people but does have a few close friends. She is a glass half empty sort of kid and while It's been hard at times , we stayed close and muddled through.

Fast forward to now and she's been studying hard A levels for the last two years. She has crashed and burned so badly that I do not recognise her.
She cannot tolerate even the smallest of requests from me , and I mean tiny ones like 'pick up your cup off the floor'. She is verbally abusive, says dreadful things about the kind of parent I am, and quotes long diatribes about being a toxic parent / she's going to go no contact when she's financially independent/hopes I rot in loneliness when I'm older.

It's just the two of us. Has been for a long time. She does see her Dad occasionally but he's a let-down on all fronts. She runs when he calls though, and I know that deep down so many of her issues are connected to him. Some days my life feels unbearable because for the last 2 years, I can't recall a single act of kindness that she has extended to me. She snarls when I speak, has taken to physically pushing me out of her way if I try to insist on a conversation, tells me to piss off/get out/ etc. my DD lives in squalor in her bedroom, I'm ashamed to say that it's so bad that it smells the entire upstairs. I tell her not to eat up there but she pushes past me and puts her headphones on to block me out. She is clean in herself but sometimes wears dirty clothes because she won't put them in the laundry basket but also won't let me in her room to take them out. She hardly leaves the house so entering her room anyway is not as easy as you'd think. She will physically push me out if I enter. Many, many times I've resorted to telling her that I cannot have her live here and act like this and she just snarls and says she won't be going anywhere.

My DD only interacts me to ask for lifts money or something else. She is escalating every week. There isn't a shred of her former kind self I can connect with , no matter how hard I try. I dream of selling my house and moving to a one bed flat that she can't come to. Believe me when I say that I feel like the mother she says I am, when I think this way.

I've tried to get her counselling. She won't go. She isn't going to university either. She does say she will get a job soon so that's something. I feel desperate most days

Can you read what you just wrote !!!
A nasty entitled brat , if OPS daughter was well mentally, she would not be displaying the behaviour she is displaying !!!!!
This isn’t how it is if everything is okay with someone mentally !
SHE’S NOT OKAY !..

There's a couple of posts on the parents of adult children board that night help, lots of parents in similar positions and how they've dealt with it:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/5324336-impossible-adult-daughter-still-at-home?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Unless you're a narcissist.
No child turns against their parent for no reason especially a mum. We have heard one side and immediately people are listening and accepting what's written, all because it comes from a parent. I'm not saying this is the case but why am I the only one who has queried this? The fact people, other mum's, are saying to get rid and get the daughter to leave home is disgusting. At 18 you're still a child, only in the eyes of the law are you an adult but in reality you're a child. I don't expect my opinion to be popular but having spent a lifetime working with homeless teens, abused women, ex offenders and children I'm more than prepared to stick my head above the parapet and suffer the consequences.

And this one

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/5332030-auadhd-dd19?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I agree, the clue is in the op
"She has crashed and burned so badly that I do not recognise her."

It seems to me she's completely burnt out and needs help, not throwing out.

Teenagers can be foul. I don't think people should slap a medical diagnosis on someone they don't know, haven't met, and are not qualified to label in any case. It happens far too often these days. I imagine if she was autistic it would have shown itself before she was 18 - and you said she was very different previously.

Teens rebel and the target of their rebellion is usually the authority figure, ie you. I think it is actually pretty healthy as she is establishing her own boundaries, and it will be temporary. In other words, she will grow out of it. But it is hard as you go through it. All you can do is lay down the rules of the house (ie keeping your bedroom clean and tidy) and make the consequences clear - WIFI goes off, or no money for clothes/outings, etc. Once the room is clean, WIFI can go back on but not before. Good luck OP.

Please look up pathological demand avoidance -
i would assume neurodivergent burn out from what u have described -
and by the way - you are not a weak parent !! Sounds like u are holding on in there in a very difficult situation

Sure, there are two sides to every story.

But I totally disagree about children rejecting their mother for no reason. The Internet is FULL of influencers creating bogus narratives around toxic parents - young people become attached to these ideas and before you know it the victim complex kicks in as it validates them and creates a sense of belonging.

yes I did thinK along these lines too. We are only getting one side. My
mpther was so verbally abusive to me and as a grown woman i have not cut her off but limited contact. It takes a lot for a child not to want their mother around

@intheshallowOP I feel like I’ve written this myself. I am in exactly the same position. Sending massive hugs. I find it frustrating when people say in a few years she’ll change and you’ll be best friends- it doesn’t excuse the YEARS of torture she has put me through.
really hope things get better for you. Xx

How awful for you. She does sound really unhappy but you need to set some really clear boundaries and call her out on her behaviour every time. Don’t engage with her when she is shouting being rude etc … walk away and follow it up with a text telling her you will not tolerate her behaviour and make sure you follow through by not giving her lifts / money etc.
Give her a clear timeline or when she needs to sort her room out, get a job etc (e.g 3 months) If nothing has changed after 3 months I’m afraid I would have to make a plan that either she moves out / in with dad or you are selling the house. I wouldn’t touch her room or do her laundry (I don’t go near my 18 year old bedroom!)
Keep telling her you love her and that you are willing to help her but only when she will work with you.

She was possibly masking, very very common in girls with autism.
They mask very well, until they can't any longer.
Prolonged stress takes its toll on all of us, let alone a young adult with undiagnosed (so unsupported) autism who's spent the majority of her life masking.

If you're really wanting to kick her out I understand, it feels like your problem will be solved and you won't have to deal with her.
And mn agrees! Of course you'll find a lot of pp saying all sorts to support this idea.

People who have absolutely no experience of parenting a child who's autistic.

It's not the same, eg what looks like rudeness comes from extreme anxiety.

And no one should be pushed and shoved and I'm not saying to accept that, but think of it like a scared cornered animal that lashes out when the vet is trying to help. It's instinct, flight or flight.

She's overwhelmed, done in.

She's reacting without the ability to think.

But then she comes to you to apologise or make up for it and you're still angry, and you react.

And the cycle continues.

You need to break the cycle at some point. And it's always up to us, the adults, the mamas. You can do it. Ask for more time or text her as someone suggested.

Start showing her by your actions you want to help and you're on her side. At least give it a try.

As soon as I read your post I thought she may be PDA autistic. If you’ve not had her assessed, she needs to do it herself now but I highly recommend it. She’s clearly struggling massively.

She asked me not to wake her at all and started to use the buzzer on her Fitbit. There were times she overslept but that wasn't the end of the world.
For shopping trips etc it helped if I gave her forewarning and reminders over what's app. Even now I send every message as an invite and put "no pressure" on the end.
Writing things down is actually a much better way of communicating for us. We what's app all day, mainly funny little GIFs and such.

Our DD is kind, ridiculously clever, and has got her life sorted out. I am so glad we learned about PDA and how to manage it and didn't give up on her. She'd be homeless if we had and we would be heartbroken.
I second those who recommend listening to Naomi Fisher's podcasts, she is brilliant and a life saver.

I appreciate this post. I know I need to do better at accepting her bids for connection after an argument. They come in the form of a request for something or a nonchalant comment about something unremarkable, but I hardly ever accept them because half an hour before she called me a horrible name and I'm still reeling. She can't and won't ever apologise or revisit a previous hurt or engage in repair and I get too hung up on that being a thing. It just continues the cycle

Yes, maybe for a while but long term, no. Mum's are vital to our wellbeing and as a 48 year old whose mum died when I was in my 20s I can say very honestly that I still need her. I missed out on a lot of knowledge and support. No one would willingly do that for a long period of time. Having children can be tough and they know what buttons to press but they don't stop being a parents responsibility at 18. The way some people talk is shocking. Seagulls make better parents. No wonder we have such a messed up society.

Hi OP. I don’t know if you’re still reading this thread but I wanted to comment because your description of your daughter sounds just like how I was at that age. (Well, a bit younger - I left to live with my dad at 16. My choice.) I was diagnosed as autistic in my 30s. I didn’t recognise it at the time, but I was chronically overstimulated (secondary schools aren’t exactly havens of peace, and I didn’t get much respite at home with a younger sibling around). I reacted very badly to my mother’s demands, which in themselves were not unreasonable (like doing the dishes), but because she was so resentful and irritated that she’d come home from work and I’d not thought to do them (autism - I do need to have other people’s needs spelled out. NOW I would know that it’s helpful to make sure someone has a tidy home to walk into after work, but at that age I didn’t. It needs to be learnt, not expected that it’s obvious) that she would snap at me, I’d react, and it’d just be a nasty conflict. I don’t know what your approach is, and I get that given how you’re feeling it’s hard to be anything but short so I wouldn’t blame you for being that way, but looking back I really needed kindness and patience as well as to be left alone to recharge a lot. Maybe you asked her to pick up her cup when she was hyperfocused on something (which could have been a thought). I still get very snappy if I’m broken out of my focus. Also transitions are hard. Maybe phrasing like “When your ready please would you make sure the cups aren’t on the floor” could help. Gives her a chance to mentally prepare to do the task rather than have the pressure of having to switch from doing one thing to doing another thing immediately.

I recognise that this sounds very gentle, gentle in response to horrible behaviour, but behaviour is communication. She needs something and probably doesn’t know what. She’s not being nasty because she hates you, she’s being nasty because she’s overwhelmed. The question is of course “by what”, but I guess that’s your job to figure out. So many responses have immediately suspected autism. Your daughter suspects she is autistic. I am autistic and identify hard with your description of your daughter. You don’t need a formal diagnosis to research how best to support an autistic child. Maybe the techniques will work, maybe not. But it doesn’t sound like you have many options left to try.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - it’s almost made me emotional reading it. What’s so sad is that you sound, from your post, like such a reasonable person, and yet you’re being treated so unbelievably cruelly.

I think ultimately that your love for your DD has unfortunately just led her to being completely complacent about your relationship. You need to make some seismic changes to turn this around, but it’s not impossible.

Huge hugs and love to you in the meantime. It’s not going to happen overnight but I do think you have a great chance of positive change.

It's not the same, eg what looks like rudeness comes from extreme anxiety.

It doesn't matter what it comes from, it matters that the behavior is still unacceptable from any adult.

Autism is a spectrum and in terms of communication and speech, at one end you have completely non verbal, the other end I guess is pp who communicate well.

And somewhere in between lies our dds!

Sometimes it's like a riddle trying to work out what my dd is actually trying to say because her words aren't it.

Your dd is trying, it's not an apology where she's saying she's sorry but it's her attempt at making amends and re-connecting with you. And showing you she's sorry.

It looks to me your dd loves you and wants to connect with you, she's just struggling to do that how she used to. There's hope here, I'm rooting for you op 💐

I haven't but I'd never be closed to the idea. I struggle to regulate my own emotions sometimes. Only in this area of my life and not really anywhere else , but I struggle nonetheless.

A poster suggested possible narcissism in me. My DD has said this too and again I would be reluctant to defend that because I'm aware that being defensive about being a narcissist is narcissistic, somewhat. I'm not a psychiatrist though , so who knows. Perhaps I am. I know that people with this condition struggle to regulate their emotions and that's definitely a profile I'd meet. I think also that narcissists are manipulative and self serving, like to be admired etc and believe they are superior. My instinct is to say that I'm not that person , but then that's what a narcissist would say I guess. The truth is I don't know

This post is so , so helpful. I really will try these things. Everything you say resonates

umm teenagers turn against their parents ABSOLUTELY ALL THE BLOODY TIME. Nothing about the ops posts make her sound like a narcissist.