I don't know how much longer I can parent my young adult DD

[intheshallow]

My DD is 18. I want to preface my post by saying that I love her. I want the best for her. She's talented and smart and funny. She's aspirational and interested in the world.

Life with my DD is unbearable most days. She's always been somewhat tricky , has control issues I would say, doesn't always connect well with other young people but does have a few close friends. She is a glass half empty sort of kid and while It's been hard at times , we stayed close and muddled through.

Fast forward to now and she's been studying hard A levels for the last two years. She has crashed and burned so badly that I do not recognise her.
She cannot tolerate even the smallest of requests from me , and I mean tiny ones like 'pick up your cup off the floor'. She is verbally abusive, says dreadful things about the kind of parent I am, and quotes long diatribes about being a toxic parent / she's going to go no contact when she's financially independent/hopes I rot in loneliness when I'm older.

It's just the two of us. Has been for a long time. She does see her Dad occasionally but he's a let-down on all fronts. She runs when he calls though, and I know that deep down so many of her issues are connected to him. Some days my life feels unbearable because for the last 2 years, I can't recall a single act of kindness that she has extended to me. She snarls when I speak, has taken to physically pushing me out of her way if I try to insist on a conversation, tells me to piss off/get out/ etc. my DD lives in squalor in her bedroom, I'm ashamed to say that it's so bad that it smells the entire upstairs. I tell her not to eat up there but she pushes past me and puts her headphones on to block me out. She is clean in herself but sometimes wears dirty clothes because she won't put them in the laundry basket but also won't let me in her room to take them out. She hardly leaves the house so entering her room anyway is not as easy as you'd think. She will physically push me out if I enter. Many, many times I've resorted to telling her that I cannot have her live here and act like this and she just snarls and says she won't be going anywhere.

My DD only interacts me to ask for lifts money or something else. She is escalating every week. There isn't a shred of her former kind self I can connect with , no matter how hard I try. I dream of selling my house and moving to a one bed flat that she can't come to. Believe me when I say that I feel like the mother she says I am, when I think this way.

I've tried to get her counselling. She won't go. She isn't going to university either. She does say she will get a job soon so that's something. I feel desperate most days

@Childrenare4life I agree that parenting doesn’t stop when our children are 18, but parents can set the expectation to be spoken to politely by their teenagers/adult children. Mine are 20 and 16 and there’s no way that I’d be giving lifts, etc. if they spoke to me rudely or abusively. Same if they speak nastily to DH or each other. It’s just not tolerated in our house.

If someone gets grumpy and says something nasty, they’re expected to apologize, both parents and children.

I agree. Not acceptable behaviour regardless of any diagnosis. Do people believe that this is acceptable if the person has a diagnosis of some sort?!

She's 18 and has her whole life ahead of her, I think for both your sakes you need to make her leave. At least she'll have a chance to smarten up her act. She won't if your essentially enabling her by allowing her to rule the roost and for her to go unpunished, she'll only continue to act this way.

I'd check with your local council homeless department what the process would be for her if you were to pack her bags and tell her to leave. Would they give her a spot in a homeless unit, a flat or a spot in a B&B? Then once you know give her the contact details and tell her to leave 9am to give the homeless team time to house her.

Adults don't behave the way she does, and she needs to learn that.

Sell up and get your 1 bedroom.

If this was your boyfriend or anyone's boyfriend acting this way, would you or anyone else say you should continue to endure this treatment, I think not.

You don't deserve this, have some respect for yourself and cut her loose.

In an abusive relationship with your DP, is it because they have autism or PDA...?

Also, she is undergoing a massive transition at the moment and probably really needs help thinking about the future. She sounds very lost with no clear plans, possibly listening to others in movies, SM and real life, living the summer of their dreams and having definite amazing futures. This must create such anxiety for her. My dd also finished her last a-level on Thursday and we really have had to be extra supportive for her. When she is extremely anxious, it can seem like she is a total bitch to me, but I can see this as anxiety and I can understand it. Other times we get along very well.

I know a lot of austistic people don’t like this, but I find it helpful to think of their emotions as roughly 2/3 of their age. It helps me
in tense moments to understand where my school are at.

regarding her room, she may not know how to clean it. She may be so overwhelmed and spent all her executive function on keeping on top of revision that she cannot see the wood for the trees in her room. I break down the task for my dc. Eg, just clean the recycling, just give me your washing, just get the dishes, sort your make up. To give you insight into some of the mess. My dd went very well in her GCSEs, so she has to keep her her notes from gcse as good luck, she has to wear similar clothes to each exam and eat the same foods. Do you notice anything unusual like this?I think I do have the patience of a saint with my dc. At least about 95% of their time. I regulate with them because I need them to be able to be independent adults who can work and be active in the community. Maybe support under the guise of career advice would be helpful. I imagine she will struggle if looking for work because all of a sudden she has been so supported at school and now she is truly alone.

my dc plans to go to uni, but she’s taking a couple of weeks just to chill (and sort through the gcse notes!) then she is going to look for a part time job. Dd had her autistic burnout in year 10. She missed a year of school, had a suicide attempt, was anorexic and was hospitalised. It was me that discovered neurodiversity in my family and I can see it in my parents, siblings and possibly me. It was a horrible experience. Here you have the opportunity to help your dd, do some research, autistic girls network is a good website, see some parenting techniques that may be helpful. Must females do actually self identify, so chances are she is feeling very different anyway. You’ve had super helpful advice and and now I guess it is time to action the advice and move forwards. And hugs for you. It’s bloody hard. But I just do t think that people are generally born bad or mean, their are reasons for their behaviour and understanding and supporting this is key.

I think you need to get yourself some help to regulate your emotions to deal with DD. This is one thing you can do for yourself.
Then just withdraw from her to stop the endless rows and fights. Very difficult, I know, but it will be hard for her to fight where there is no opposition.
She is 18 now. Don't do her cooking, washing, shopping etc. Let her explore being an adult and having to fend for herself.
Show her father the condition she is keeping her room in, the embarrassment might get her to clean occasionally.
If nothing improves, let her know that you will be selling and so estate agents and buyers will be looking in her room. Finally breathe and walk away when it gets too much.

You both sound like you need help. Does she have any ACE's (Adverse Childhood Experiences)? Sounds like ASD and possibly ODD or PDA. Could also have a personality disorder. I think there is more here than meets the eye. Your possibly going to have to refer yourself to Adult Services to get help. Good luck OP.

very often it is; but with them a) they are adults and b) you can leave them

I agree with the people saying not every ungrateful child is autistic. It's a get out clause so many times. Parents are lazy and can't be bothered to parent. Give her a time limit to fix Hershel out or kick her out and stick to it.

BUT OPs daughter is an adult she is 18. She is doing A levels so presumably doesn't have learning difficulties.

Why are we infantilising adults now? At 18 you can work, drive, vote, have sex etc. That is an adult.

You know that not all learning difficulties and disabilities stop people from attending school and doing exams, right? Please tell me you know this? This can't be new information to you, surely?

I mean you've waded into a thread about a very likely disabled person and says she can't be disabled because she's doing a levels. I'm just checking.

I was implying she must have a level of intelligence to do A levels. I.e she does not have the brain age of a child. I was only referring to that aspect. If someone has for example ADHD and is 18 they are an adult.

My question is why are we infantilising 18 year olds in general?

Why do you think that learning difficulties means you must have the brain age of a child?

Also autism isn't a learning disability.

This is a very naive view. No one says she has the brain of a child. But certain aspects of her neural development may behind the chronological development of a neurotypical person. Certain aspects may be well ahead. The whole point of neurodivergence is that it doesn’t follow expected paths and until identified is hard to spot and assess, and therefore manage.

You are absolutely not a weak parent! You are worn down, worn out and grieving the lovely relationship you previously had. Your daughter may be autistic? With a PDA profile? She may be depressed? But none of that gives her the right to be verbally or physically abusive to you. You don't deserve this. You sound nice OP but you can't live like this anymore. Potentially phone Young Minds Parentline for some support. Also, tell your daughter, you deserve to be spoken to nicely and respected and you absolutely will not tolerate being pushed. Tell her the rules of living in your house and that if she wants to live here she needs to follow them. You can do this. Take care OP, I really feel for you.

Do you think an 18 year old is an adult?

I am saying many conditions do NOT mean you are exempt from the expected behaviour of an adult.

Perhaps she has Newson's Syndrome; pathological demand avoidance (autism) or perhaps she's just a bully. You both need tough love and she possibly needs help from doctors too.

There is some good advice from posters who have walked the walk here amongst the nuggets of bile that you are wisely ignoring OP.

At the core of the best advice is to seek help from professionals and to read up on autism and PDA profiles. As has been pointed out, your daughter doesn’t need a diagnosis to implement some of the strategies and you could start trying some today. A GP appointment would be next.

I also hear in your OP that you are burnt out too and want to run away to be alone. Unsurprising, given your circumstances. But it’s important to look for help for you as well as your DD. The issue of whether or not you might be ND yourself has been mentioned and I cannot tell you how many parents of children and teens undergoing assessment go on to be assessed themselves. The process of assessment makes them realise that not only do they have a missed diagnosis, but so did their parents, grandparents, siblings and wider family members.

I agree that the best thing you can do is work on your reaction. It’s not acceptable to react with anger when she comes to you afterwards, difficult to do though sometimes.

I had this exact same thing with our ND DD the other night. She was so vile that I took myself off upstairs for the evening and watched TV up there. And hour and a half later she turned up as though nothing had happened and wanted a chat. Really she had realised, hopefully, that she had upset me and wanted to make sure we were still ok.

I think my own DM had problems with anger and never had managed to reflect on this and try and change. I don’t see a lot of her now.

Would a narcissist question their own behaviour like OP is doing? OP has provided details of things that she has done that she knows weren't great. Surely a narcissist would omit any details that would show them in a bad light?

Also, I'm not sure what consequences you will suffer from calling OP a narcissist. Posters may disagree with you but you can just leave the thread or argue back with no consequences to your life or career.

I have been/am in a similar situation with a younger child.

Two books I found really helpful are:

Eddie Gallagher, Who's in Charge? and
Jeffrey Bernstein, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

They both "get it" and are wise, experienced and humane. Gallagher needs an editor though!

I would also say autism - my daughter who just finished a levels is newly diagnosed and now in autistic burnout as she masks when she leaves the house. She’s getting out of bed at around 4/5pm - genuinely asleep until then.

You need to seek.help from people who've been there.

There is a lot of soppy "be kind" advice out there. Some children have challenging behaviour for reasons that have little to do with parenting. You need strategies, tips, ideas, support (the actually supportive kind).

And yes my daughter is also autistic!

I’m glad some parents who have real understanding and constructive advice are coming along! One of the hardest things for me as the parent of an ND child was the judgement t of other
parents and that awful feeling of failure which pervades all aspects of your life. The support of other parents who have walked the walk is invaluable as it gives you energy and motivation as well as practical help. For me in Herts ADD-vance has been an enormous help. Coaching and guidance. It’s hard road on your own, and actually a lot of the judgment I’ve seen on this thread is the kind of thing that makes it much harder.